debbie downer & mostly rambling
Since I quit drinking I feel very lonely and sad overall. There was some euphoria midway, I felt so damn empowered! I got through the physical pain and was proud of making a goal and sticking with it. But I've been going down these past few days... It's creating some tension and distance between E and I, partly because I want to have our house be better and I don't want to do it all alone. Do you know how irritating it is for beer bottles and bottle caps to be strewn about each day? And the recycling tower of pisa? And the promises of things that are not done...ever. Gave up on one tonight and will probably give up on more tomorrow. It's causing me to feel resentment and that is not healthy. I need to accept the good and appreciate it. Sex is good. Dinner was good. Got some nice compliments last night.
Still, the good doesn't stay long. It's like a glimmer on the horizon that once I've lost focus it's imperceptible.
I'm finding myself jonesing for a bottle of wine, or pack of Shermans, or both. I know it won't help the roots of this. I cancelled my acupuncture appt today and am regretting that. I cancelled my workout since E started making dinner early and I would have had to eat later, alone. It's very confusing and frustrating.
I think that drinking allowed me to feel happy and party and chum it up and really not care about my own disrepair, let alone the disrepair of house & home. Now I can't help but care and it's causing me lots of hurt. A small bit of pride in my personal strength but mostly hurt.
Also today is day 18 without booze and I haven't lost a single pound. I gained one. More proof there is no justice. Even if I am healthier I notice my flaws even more. I can't live up to my own standards and yes must learn to manage expectations... I fear it's like learning patience and even in 30 years it will only be a 20% improvement. That's not enough.
I'm afraid about what this is doing to my partner relationship. I used to think I was pretty fearless but I guess it was liquid courage.
I want to communicate with E on this. Got some tips here at my side. Past attempts have been unsuccessful. Most of the time I get either rage, a 'well you...' or no response in return. It takes two to have a conversation. I don't know if I should express how serious this is or whether that will just add stress and ruin things even more.
I feel like I might be ruining what I have regardless.
Mercury is retrograde for the rest of May. Oh Joy! Fine time to be breaking down and wishing to communicate with partner
/sarcasm
So this isn't all doom and gloom here's some of the good things:
Took a huge load to Goodwill last weekend, including some brand new and barely used business clothes, leather jackets, and other items sure to please & it felt great to give
Signed up for Wharf-to-Wharf and Race Thru the Redwoods
Got my Birthday off from work and plan on a romantic campout and beach day in Big Sur
Am looking forward to family vacation May 30-June 5th (annual Shasta trip)
Likely going to August family reunion (E's side's annual) in the Sierras
Checked out tickets to Vegas vs car trip and the ideas bring some joy
Going to see my parents and brother this weekend
Am making good progress managing my 'hell contract' and other projects are going well
Although work is stressful and busy that is one modicum of success in my life
The bathroom is 90% clean - just have the floor behind the toilet left (couldn't bring myself to finish tonight)
I'm going to take a bubble bath, read my book, and remember that perception shapes reality... now that I'm processing my feelings, wants & needs, and the reasons I've been a lush for so long I will learn & as a continuous learning junkie this is an interesting experiment
Still, the good doesn't stay long. It's like a glimmer on the horizon that once I've lost focus it's imperceptible.
I'm finding myself jonesing for a bottle of wine, or pack of Shermans, or both. I know it won't help the roots of this. I cancelled my acupuncture appt today and am regretting that. I cancelled my workout since E started making dinner early and I would have had to eat later, alone. It's very confusing and frustrating.
I think that drinking allowed me to feel happy and party and chum it up and really not care about my own disrepair, let alone the disrepair of house & home. Now I can't help but care and it's causing me lots of hurt. A small bit of pride in my personal strength but mostly hurt.
Also today is day 18 without booze and I haven't lost a single pound. I gained one. More proof there is no justice. Even if I am healthier I notice my flaws even more. I can't live up to my own standards and yes must learn to manage expectations... I fear it's like learning patience and even in 30 years it will only be a 20% improvement. That's not enough.
I'm afraid about what this is doing to my partner relationship. I used to think I was pretty fearless but I guess it was liquid courage.
I want to communicate with E on this. Got some tips here at my side. Past attempts have been unsuccessful. Most of the time I get either rage, a 'well you...' or no response in return. It takes two to have a conversation. I don't know if I should express how serious this is or whether that will just add stress and ruin things even more.
I feel like I might be ruining what I have regardless.
Mercury is retrograde for the rest of May. Oh Joy! Fine time to be breaking down and wishing to communicate with partner
/sarcasm
So this isn't all doom and gloom here's some of the good things:
Took a huge load to Goodwill last weekend, including some brand new and barely used business clothes, leather jackets, and other items sure to please & it felt great to give
Signed up for Wharf-to-Wharf and Race Thru the Redwoods
Got my Birthday off from work and plan on a romantic campout and beach day in Big Sur
Am looking forward to family vacation May 30-June 5th (annual Shasta trip)
Likely going to August family reunion (E's side's annual) in the Sierras
Checked out tickets to Vegas vs car trip and the ideas bring some joy
Going to see my parents and brother this weekend
Am making good progress managing my 'hell contract' and other projects are going well
Although work is stressful and busy that is one modicum of success in my life
The bathroom is 90% clean - just have the floor behind the toilet left (couldn't bring myself to finish tonight)
I'm going to take a bubble bath, read my book, and remember that perception shapes reality... now that I'm processing my feelings, wants & needs, and the reasons I've been a lush for so long I will learn & as a continuous learning junkie this is an interesting experiment