(no subject)
Before this year, I had never lost anyone close to me. This year alone, I have lost my best friend and my ex-boyfriend. When someone dies, if takes a little while for a person to believe it, for it to sink in. Apparently, there's 5 stages of grief when someones dies: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. I know I'm still in the denial stage, but it's beginning to slowly hit me. Joe is gone he's never coming back. The thing that really hurts is that we weren't on good terms when he died. The last time I spoke to him is when I yelled at him for insulting Helga. I feel so horrible right now, I can't even describe it. I wouldn't even want to try. I still love him, though I'm sure he didn't know that. I feel like I made him feel so horrible all the time. I am going to feel guilty about this forever. If I wasn't such a bitch, he would've come along with us to Hogsmeade. He wouldn't have been there alone and he'd be alive right now. Or, well I would have been with him...and I would have died to. And at this point, I wish I had.
If I hadn't met Chad, who I know has had some malicious intent with me since we met, Joe would be alive. We never would have had those fights. Chad's another problem. I know he's only nice because he wants something. Why am I so stupid? He's a prick. I swear, I just want to throw the bracelet he got me right out the window. He pretty much said he wouldn't care if I died. Nice. Real fucking nice. Anyway, If I didn't leave the hospital wing after he dumped me, he'd still be alive. If I had been a little less selfish, he'd be alive right now. What the fuck is wrong with me? I would do anything to start things all over again. Maybe Joe would still be alive. Maybe Ashley would still be alive. Oh god...this hurts. Ok, I think I'm doing from the Denial stage right to the depressed stage.
I don't think I'm going to be going to any more classes for a few days. I made an ass out of myself in Muggle Studies, which is just...sad. I just need to think...or not think. If anyone from my classes could just let me borrow the notes and let me know what the assignments are, I'd really appreciate it. I promise I'll repay you. Oh, and thanks for the chocolates Parvati. And thanks for drawing with me Pansy.
I owled my parents today and told them that Joe died. I forgot that they had no idea who Joe was. So, I told them he was my ex-boyfriend. They kept asking if it was that boy they dropped me off to see during the holiday. I told them no, and they didn't believe me. It took me two owls to convince them that no, it was not him. Yeah, and then my mother yelled at me for not telling her that I had a boyfriend. Yes, because yelling is what I need right now...
EDIT If you decided to read this entry, (which you did not have to, you're not being forced to)and you decide to leave comments, please make them nice. I really am not in the mood to argue with assholes.