[FOR GERALDINEDRAGON] how it's like to fall [3/5]

[krishanthemods]

Part II

It was oh-nine-hundred hours when the doorbell to Lu Han's home rang, and she glanced up from where she was polishing the glass cabinet, feeling completely perplexed. They didn't usually have visitors at this time of the morning, since most people Yunho knew would be in the midst of training, and Lu Han didn't know anyone else who'd visit her. She wasn't expecting Yifan until later in the afternoon, when she has had her lunch and had nothing else on her hands to occupy her time.

Calling out in acknowledgment, Lu Han quickly washed her hands clean, and straightened herself in the mirror by the entrance before answering the door, feeling mildly breathless from the rushing. Every trace of exhaustion was promptly replaced by surprise, though, when she finally looked up and realised who it was at the door.

"Yifan?" She asked, the confusion clear in her voice. He'd usually let her know in advance if he had the morning to himself, but Lu Han couldn't recall him ever informing her that on the previous day. It was then that she noticed the frenzied look he was wearing, and the dark circles beneath his eyes, much more prominent than any other days she had spent with him. Lu Han immediately threw the door wide open, and touched Yifan gently on his arm - the first time she'd initiated any form of contact between them, but that wasn't important right now - hoping that it would calm his nerves a little. "Yifan, what's wrong?"

"Can we go for a walk? I know it's rather early, but-" Yifan blurted, then stopped himself. Several more seconds passed them by before he chewed on his bottom lip and sighed. "Please?"

"Now?" Lu Han hesitated, thinking about the amount of housework that was waiting for her. Even if this was in lieu with what Yunho was expecting from her, to get close to Yifan, it still didn't sit well with Lu Han to abandon her responsibilities at home. She was still his wife by name, and that came with certain expectations. "Can you give me another hour or so?"

"Please, Han. I need to talk."

There was something unnerving about Yifan's words - something which sounded a lot like desperation and fear - which felt so foreign to Lu Han's ears, and she was promptly overwhelmed with worry. This wasn't the Wu Yifan which Lu Han had come to know in the last couple of weeks. Yifan was confident, calm, and tender - nothing like the bundle of nerves standing before her right now.

Something must be wrong, and despite her worries about the weather - it seemed as though the sky was going to pour soon - there wasn't an ounce of hesitation in Lu Han as she said yes.

--

In all honesty, Yifan hadn't expected this to happen.

He had his usual set of nightmares, which ended with him shooting up in bed covered in cold sweat and panting hard from fear, his insides frigid as the residual effect from his dreams lingered behind. Normally, the fear would pass once he's taken in enough deep, calming breaths, and then he'd be fully functional again, but this day was different. Even after employing all the techniques Junmyeon had taught him, methods to dispel fear and for relaxation to take place, Yifan still found his senses on an overdrive, the residual tendrils of his nightmares impinging on reality. Even the smallest of sounds would make him jump, and he couldn't stop his mind from feeding him all sorts of unnecessary images.

It was a good thing Song Qian was already out of the house for yet another of her meetings by then. Yifan dreaded to think what might happen if Song Qian saw him in his current state. It might possibly provoke her memories from the other day, where she had very nearly been taken hostage. Who knew what might transpire from that?

In the end, not knowing what else he could do, Yifan immediately took off for Lu Han's house. It wasn't in his nature to beg, but when Lu Han had shown signs of hesitation, the plea slipped off his tongue before he could even process it. Yifan didn't think he could rest easy if she were to turn him down and left him to deal with his shadows all alone, but that was where Yifan knew that he could count on Lu Han.

Ten minutes and a fresh change of clothes later, Lu Han was by his side, their arms brushing as they walked down the familiar path they always took. The atmosphere was especially cold that morning, owing to the cumulus clouds decorating the sky, and the worry seeped into Yifan's senses a little too late. In his state of mental disarray, Yifan hadn't noticed the change in weather, but he hoped that it wouldn't rain so soon. He needed desperately to talk, and Lu Han was the only person whom he could put his trust in right now with his problems - Junmyeon already knew enough of his nightmares, and he wanted a fresh perspective instead of having someone scrutinise his brain from a medical point of view.

"Yifan, what is the matter?" Lu Han's concerned voice made Yifan stir from his thoughts, and he instantly felt a million times better upon seeing her face. Funny, how she had that sort of effect on him, when Song Qian didn't even come close. "It's not like you to be this... on the edge."

Yifan flashed a thin-lipped smile at her. "Remember what you said the other day, that you can sense that I have secrets I couldn't tell anyone else?" Lu Han eyed him cautiously for one moment, before nodding slightly. "Well, I'm about to let you in on them. But I hope you won't judge nor shun me for what you're about to hear."

Lu Han shoved at him lightly, probably hoping to lighten up the mood a little. "I gave you my word, Yifan. You didn't judge me when you found out about my background. I'm not about to do that to you, now."

While Yifan had already known that, the confirmation still made him feel better. "I'm suffering from the same disorder as the officer who held you hostage the other day." He allowed the words to rush out in a single breath, hoping it could lessen the shock it dealt to Lu Han. Her eyes did widen marginally from the revelation, but she did not stiffen nor increase the distance between them. Only then did Yifan gain the courage to keep going. "Post-traumatic stress disorder, they call it. A terrible condition caused by the mental scarring from the war, from everything we've seen and done on the battlefield. It's not a disease we've contracted by choice."

"What-" Lu Han paused, as if thinking about the right words to say. "What does it do to you?"

Yifan shrugged, trying to seem as unaffected by it as he could. He should be, considering the amount of time he had spent living with the condition. But things only seemed to get worse, despite the therapy he had been receiving. "Nightmares. Vivid recollections of the war. Seeing yourself kill and be killed repeatedly, in many different ways. Sometimes-" The images rushed up to greet him, and Yifan came to a halting stop, squeezing his eyes shut and swallowing hard to will them away.

It doesn't work. It never did.

Then there was a gentle touch to his arm, sincere and fearless, that made him open his eyes again. As usual, the way Lu Han looked at him stole his breath away, but what was different today was the way Lu Han reached up to cup his face with her small hands, the warmth seeping through his skin and stealing its way into his heart. Her eyes searched his earnestly, as if wanting him to open up to her even more. "Does she-"

Even if Lu Han couldn't manage to finish her question, Yifan knew exactly what she wanted to know. He shook his head, lips pressed into a thin, grim line. "You're the first person apart from Junmyeon to know." He informed her, voice uncharacteristically quiet. When Yifan had first met Lu Han, he never would have expected her to be the first person he showed his weaknesses to, to be the only person apart from his consulting doctor who knew of the nightmares which plagued him night after night. Fate, in that sense, unwound itself in curious ways. "I couldn't possibly tell her-"

"Oh, Yifan..." Lu Han sounded broken, and something in her voice which simmered of sympathy didn't quite sit well with Yifan. She must understand, after having seen how Song Qian had reacted to the incident the other day, that Yifan could never begin to discuss about his condition with his wife, but this wasn't what Yifan was searching for.

So Yifan took a step back, and flashed a sad smile at Lu Han. "I am not seeking for sympathy, Han. I just needed someone to listen."

It seemed like the wrong thing to say, when Lu Han appeared hurt by his words. "I am not offering you sympathy, Yifan." She breathed, and there was something akin to frustration in her intonation. "Was I mistaken to have thought that you're telling me this because I am your only outlet, that you wanted to seek comfort which you would never otherwise find in Song Qian?"

Even in the softness of her voice, Yifan could hear how it trembled, and suddenly he wished he could take his words back. Chewing on his bottom lip, Yifan exhaled through his teeth, feeling extremely exhausted by everything that had happened thus far. "I'm sorry-"

Lu Han didn't grant him the opportunity to finish his sentence, though, when she surged up to him in the next moment, throwing her arms around his neck and going on tiptoes to seal their lips together. Yifan literally forgot to breathe for a long while, trying to comprehend what was going on, because never in his wildest dreams did he expect for her to do something like this. If anything, Yifan thought he would be the first to crack, to cross the invisible line they've been toeing for so long, wanting the other yet not really daring to do something that would upset the friendship they've been balancing precariously for a while now.

Yifan still stood frozen, preoccupied with the many things which came to mind - most of which spoke of the risks they had to take, if he ever responded to her bold move - until the very moment Lu Han pulled away. Through his glazed eyes, Yifan could see how her cheeks were tinged pink with embarrassment, and it was the loveliest Yifan had seen of her.

The words which left her lips next were even more broken than before, however. "I apologise. I was too full of myself. I thought that was what you were looking for. You can pretend nothing had happened between us." She whispered, and turned around to leave, but immediately Yifan reached out and grabbed hold of her hand, gripping it tightly yet not nearly enough to hurt. Lu Han glanced at him, the light dancing in her eyes speaking of desperation and hope and something more, and it was all that was needed for Yifan to reel her back into his embrace, his long arms coming up to wrap around her petite frame, his head dipping to meet her lips once again. The last thing he wanted for her to think was that he didn't reciprocate her feelings, because he wanted her, has wanted her for the longest time ever.

Kissing Lu Han was like taking a deep breath after being submerged underwater for a long while, something Yifan hadn't known he needed this badly. It was different from the kisses he had shared with Song Qian in the early stages of their courtship and the initial period of their five-year long marriage, each slide of lips against lips sending delicious shudders down his spine. His hands finally came to rest on her hips, pulling her flush against him, and his heart threatened to burst with how well they fitted together. Lu Han's soft hands were pressed against the underside of his jaw, holding him in a tender manner.

Yifan had no idea how long they've been standing in the middle of the path with their lips locked, didn't know if anyone else had stumbled upon them; he also understood that what they were doing was considered taboo, but Yifan didn't care. He'd been yearning for this moment for far too long, and he'd been damned if he were to ruin it with his own hands. His palms roamed the entire expanse of Lu Han's back, feeling her shudder under his touch, and suddenly everything felt right in this world.

Even as the first few drops of rainwater fell upon them, they continued to kiss, Lu Han's fingers reaching behind to grip at Yifan's shirt, her head tilting slightly to give him better access. It wasn't until the sky started pouring that they finally broke apart, panting hard but with broad smiles tugging at their faces as they pressed their foreheads together to catch their breaths, and still Yifan ran his hands down the length of Lu Han's arms, trying futilely to keep her warm.

Lu Han laughed at his efforts, and landed another chaste peck on his lips. "I think we would benefit better from a shelter, or we might both fall ill."

Yifan grinned back down at her, before threading his fingers with Lu Han's and started to lead her away. They were far from the army base by now, and would be drenched to the bones if they wanted to get back, but there was another haven tucked away in the woods, a place where Yifan hadn't gone to in a long while. "I know just the spot."

--

Laughter and two sets of footsteps, along with the sound of the pouring rain, flooded into the space which had been deadly still mere seconds ago, though the latter was quickly shut out when they closed the door behind them. Yifan and Lu Han were dripping wet, their hair plastered to the sides of their faces and the water pooling at their feet, but still they were happy. Unable to stop himself, Yifan trapped Lu Han between him and the door, and swooped down to kiss her once again.

"Looks like we're stuck here until the rain abates," Lu Han giggled softly when Yifan pulled away, but there was a contented look on her face, the tips of her fingers digging lightly into the front of his shirt.

Yifan smiled warmly at her and hooked her hair behind her ear, stroking Lu Han's face gently with his thumb. "You don't seem very concerned by that, or am I mistaken?"

Lu Han deliberately ignored his question, merely smiling and squirming away from him, her eyes scanning the room. "This is a nice place, though. How did you get to know about it?"

Yifan shoved his hands into his pockets and strolled after her. "It's a club for the officers, actually, but rarely anyone comes here anymore. This is a place I always escape to when I need the space to myself."

"It's very well-maintained." Lu Han twirled around and beamed at him. He really couldn't believe that she was here with him.

"I always drop by to clean this place up. It would be a shame to see it go into a state of disuse." He shrugged. By now, they were standing face to face in the middle of the room, with the dulled sound of the rain pelting against the window in the background, and all Yifan could think about was how much he wanted the girl who was standing before him.

"What do you say we make better use of it, then?" She asked, smiling seductively at him.

"Like what?" Yifan replied, feigning innocence, only laughing when she hooked her fingers through the belt loops of his pants and pulled him towards her.

"Like this," was all that Lu Han said, before she kissed him again, this time with more fervour, having been granted a space all to themselves, with the assurance that no one would stumble upon them. Yifan's first impression about her was right - she may appear innocent on the surface, but beneath all that, Lu Han was actually a bold person, someone who wasn't afraid to show her affections where it was due.

This time, they let the last of their inhibitions go, hands roaming over every inch of skin they could find. Her slender fingers found their way to his shirt buttons, undoing them in an extremely deft manner which left Yifan surprised. He said nothing about it, though, and allowed Lu Han to peel his damp shirt off him, which eventually landed on the floor with a wet, dull thud. The feeling of her hands on his bare skin sent spikes of pleasure coursing through him, and their kisses turned messier, with plenty of nibbling and sucking thrown in the fray. Her soft moans and whimpers caressed his senses, and it was probably the most beautiful thing he has ever heard.

Even though he was already partially undressed, his erection straining against the material of his pants, still Yifan's hand lingered hesitantly over the zipper of her dress, and he paused for them to catch their breaths for a brief moment. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked, more for her benefit than his. Yifan wanted Lu Han to think this through, afraid that she might only regret things when it was much too late.

The way Lu Han looked back at him, eyes bright with passion and determination, though, dispelled most of his worries, and the way her chest heaved with every breath taken was just so damned beautiful. His own breath came out in a quick rush when she pressed her hips into his groin, pushing Yifan close to his limit. Any more of this, and he'd damn everything to hell and take her immediately, considering how he was already close to losing his self-control. Lu Han was a great tease; Yifan loved it.

"I have been the one to initiate most of this thus far, Fan." Lu Han caught her lips between her teeth, looking up at him with wide eyes. "Does that not speak volumes about what I desire? Unless... I have read you wrongly?"

Her words had Yifan tugging her zip halfway down, teasing her and allowing her just a little more time to consider all at once. "There is no question that I want you, Han - more than I have felt for anyone else in this world. I just- I don't want you to regret."

Lu Han grabbed hold of his free hand and brought it to her shoulder, before guiding him to pull her dress down her arm, exposing a greater expanse of that milky white, tantalising stretch of skin and half of her breast. Yifan gulped at the sight. "There are many things which I regret in life, but this will not be one of them." She leaned in to whisper, and it was the signal Yifan had needed to proceed, tugging her zipper the rest of the way.

Heavy with the rainwater which had soaked it through, Lu Han's dress fell to the floor and pooled around her ankles without Yifan having to do anything else, baring all of Lu Han's body for him to see. Lu Han had decided that a bra wasn't necessary before she'd left her house, it seemed, and while she wasn't as well-endowed as Song Qian was, Yifan still thought she was beautiful, and her black lace underwear was the only garment which kept the last of her modesty intact. Lu Han's breasts fitted well in his hands, Yifan noted idly as he dipped his head to nip at the column of her neck, her breaths hot in his ear, her body pressing closer and closer into his touch. Lu Han worked at his belt in the meantime, pulling it out in one swift motion, before proceeding to undo the button and the zip of his pants, and Yifan let out an open-mouthed moan against her heated skin just above the swell of her right breast, feeling another wave of passion shoot through his nerve endings when she palmed him through his briefs.

It was a bonus that Lu Han was light, and when he squeezed her ass lightly, she was alert enough to take it as a signal to wrap her legs around his waist, her arms hooked around his neck as he brought them towards the daybed, his mouth roaming insistently over her breast and sucking a nipple between his teeth, nibbling lightly and making her moan in pleasure. Yifan wasn't sure if her panties were soaked because of the rain or because of her arousal, but he wasn't about to wait to find out. Gently, he lowered her onto the daybed, and he'd be damned if he didn't find this attractive, when her hair was splayed out beneath her and her legs spread wide in invitation, her cheeks flushed because of him.

He didn't pause too long to admire the sight, knowing that they were both desperate for more, and immediately Yifan covered her body with his, returning to his previous ministrations. One hand of his found its way to her perfectly-sized breasts once again, kneading it and rolling a nipple between the pads of his fingers, his tongue paying attention to the other, and another of his hand ran down her sides, caressing her tenderly. Lu Han was a lot more responsive than Song Qian was in bed - something which Yifan couldn't help noticing, from how Lu Han was calling for his name every now and then, and how her breaths hitched whenever he discovered a sensitive spot on her body.

When Lu Han began to rock her hips against his body to gain some friction, Yifan laughed against her skin and held her hips down with his hands, before kissing a heated trail down the length of her torso. Before she could even complain about him taking too much time riling her up, his fingers had already hooked around the waistband of her panties, pulling them off and throwing them aside. Lu Han wasn't shy to have her pussy on full display, unlike how Song Qian's hands had immediately moved to cover her private parts on their wedding night. Instead, Lu Han sat herself up on the daybed, fingers tangling in Yifan's hair when he lowered his head and gave a tentative lick. She tasted like heaven on his tongue, and the way her body shuddered from unadulterated pleasure merely encouraged him forth, her quiet whines a potent aphrodisiac in their own right.

His hands held her thighs apart as he continued to lick into her vagina, occasionally pausing to suck at her clit and relishing the way her moans seemed to grow louder whenever he did so. Yifan was an adventurous person, and he was glad to note that Lu Han was just the same. Her hips began to shake uncontrollably when Yifan introduced a finger into her while his tongue continued to flick in and out of her, the muscles in her abdomen tense as she tried to fuck herself down on his tongue and digits, only to have his hand holding her down firmly.

"Yifan, please," she whined moments later, when the sensations were too much for her to handle, and Yifan added another finger, scissoring her fast. Lu Han came with a loud cry soon enough, her body arching off the bed as the waves of her first orgasm washed over her. It was only then that Yifan straightened himself, leaving only his fingers to continue scissoring her through her high, while his lips found their place on hers once again. Lu Han lapped at his mouth eagerly, tongue pushing past well-kissed lips to lick at the insides of his mouth to taste herself on him.

"You're so good for me," Yifan mouthed against her hot, hot skin when she finally came down from her climax, and she laughed into his hair, pushing her chest against his lips, evidently liking the way they traced every inch of her body.

"Only because you allow me to be," Lu Han said, steadying herself against his chest. It was surprising how strong she was, to be able to push Yifan down on the bed when he had least expected her to, but soon Yifan found their positions reversed, with Lu Han straddling him. Her cunt was still dripping wet against his thigh, leaving a sticky trail across his skin whenever she shifted slightly, and Yifan craved for more.

Lu Han evidently knew what he wanted, for his pants and briefs joined the rest of their clothes soon enough. Before Yifan could even ask what she was about to do, Yifan squeezed his eyes shut in pure bliss, a moan escaping his lips when Lu Han wrapped her fingers around his fully-erect cock. She slicked it up a little with the precum that was leaking out of his tip, before lifting her hips and sinking herself down on his cock in one fluid motion, eliciting pleasured groans from both of them. She felt so amazingly tight with her walls clenched around him like that, and it took all of Yifan's efforts and concentration to not spill over right then and there. Once she was used to his girth, Lu Han began to roll her hips against his, simultaneously pleasuring herself and him. For someone who appeared so innocent on the outside, Lu Han struck Yifan as someone who was incredibly experienced in sex, though he stopped short of asking her if she would sleep with Yunho still, despite not loving him.

For now, Yifan could only surrender to his senses and lose himself in the way Lu Han was riding his cock, lifting her hips until the tip of his cock was almost slipping out of her, then sinking all the way down once again. It was almost maddening, how Lu Han knew how to move her hips, understood what exactly she should do to draw the loudest moans out of him. With all his nerve endings in an overdrive, it didn't take long for him to teeter off the edge of his climax, coming with Lu Han's lips pressed against his to swallow up all the sounds he was making, her following him soon after. In the haze of his high, Yifan was mildly surprised to note that she didn't mind having him filling her up with his cum, but again, it was Lu Han's decision to make.

In their post-orgasm bliss, they laid there on the daybed curled up together, savouring each other's body warmth like their lives depended on it. It was the happiest Yifan had felt in a very, very long while, and the residues of the nightmare which had shook him to the core just this morning was gone without a trace. He was sure Lu Han knew how he felt, through the lazy kisses they shared after, and the way his heart was pounding wildly against his chest.

Outside, the rain continued to fall as they drifted to sleep, cocooned by the comfort their embraces offered to each other.

--

Contrary to expectations, it was fairly easy for them to keep their relationship dynamics relatively unchanged to the outside world. After parting some ways before they'd reached both their homes that evening, clothes mercifully dry and not a hair out of place, Yifan was back by Song Qian's side, and Lu Han, Yunho. It was the same for Yifan - he still had to please Song Qian in bed, if only to fulfil her lifelong dream of being a mother, and then they were back to their usual interactions, which were mostly only verbal in nature. And by verbal, it meant that Song Qian did all the talking.

For a couple of days after Yifan and Lu Han's first sexual encounter, they did not meet, for fear that what they've done would be immediately exposed. Those were the longest few days of Yifan's life, when all he wanted to do was to seek Lu Han out so that he could talk. From the way Lu Han had responded to the revelation of the disorder Yifan was suffering from, it was clear to Yifan that she would never judge him, and he found that there were millions of things he wanted to tell her - things which he would never otherwise have even thought about telling Song Qian.

By day five, Yifan finally couldn't take it any longer, and decided that a trip to her home was due. It was a good thing he knew of Yunho's schedules, which made it a lot easier for him to drop a surprise visit without arousing suspicion.

Lu Han was as anxious as him when she answered the door, and a significant amount of tension was lifted off her shoulders when she lifted her gaze and saw Yifan standing before her. What surprised Yifan most, though, was how eager she had been, immediately shutting the door behind her and dragging him down their usual path, pulling him towards their newfound private haven.

Needless to say, Yifan managed to enjoy a good talk and an even greater afternoon being acquainted with Lu Han - both emotionally and physically - once again.

Thereafter, both of them decided that so long as they didn't show overt signs of being interested in each other while in the presence of someone else, they hadn't a reason to avoid each other like a plague. It was emotionally torturous, they'd both agreed, and so they suggested to both their spouses for regular meet-ups over dinner. It seemed to be the least suspicious manner they could think of to spend more time with each other, and it was also a good thing Yunho was Yifan's second-in-command who was only too eager to be better acquainted with his superior.

Thankfully, Song Qian enthusiastically agreed when Yifan brought the suggestion up as well. It did seem to Yifan that she was rather fond of Lu Han, seeing that the rest of her cliques were rather superficial bitches, and she didn't really have a friend who wouldn't judge her for something she said or suck up to her because of Song Qian's status.

(Song Qian had complained to Yifan one too many times about her clique. He could only wonder why she hasn't stopped talking to them yet. The social circle she submerged herself in was toxic, that much was for sure, but it was Song Qian's life. He had no desire in controlling it. Lu Han, though. Lu Han was different. Accommodating, understanding. Even Song Qian agreed with Yifan on that.)

Hence, it was how Yifan and Lu Han found themselves together night after night, with the companionable discussion between Song Qian and Yunho in the background as they stole secret glances at each other. It was also a good thing their dinners mostly took place at Yifan and Song Qian's home, where their dining table was rounded instead of square, so Yifan would invariably find himself seated next to Lu Han. No one had any reason to look beneath the table to see them knocking their knees together, with the occasional linking of their ankles whenever they were feeling bolder.

And definitely no one needed to know about the notes they passed between themselves whenever Song Qian and Yunho weren't looking, holding the plans for their next rendezvous.

--

Lu Han had the silly thought that her face might fall off soon, if she didn't stop grinning so widely. Her feet were rather sticky, having been dipped into seawater earlier with no fresh water to clean them after, but the exhilaration she felt in her mind was much too overwhelming for her to feel remotely bothered by it. Even though she was currently in the enclosed space of Yifan's jeep, her senses were still caressed by the salty air of the seaside, and everything smelt like the ocean. She honestly couldn't complain.

Beside her, Yifan was looking at her with tenderness in his eyes, his hand coming up to hook her long locks behind her ear. Lu Han smiled and leaned into his touch, sighing contentedly. This was the best birthday in her entire twenty two years of existence. Nothing else could ever come close.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Lu Han blurted out and giggled when Yifan still wouldn't avert his eyes. Her skin felt warm from the intensity of his gaze, more so today than ever. He was also surprisingly silent throughout their trip, only watching her enjoy herself with keen eyes. Although she'd laid herself bare before him plenty of times by now, Lu Han still felt extremely self-conscious under such scrutiny, and she squirmed a little in her seat.

A tiny shudder wracked through her body when he stroked her face with the back of his finger. The fond smile on his face was making her feel a little breathless - in a good way. "You're beautiful when you smile. You should do that more often."

Lu Han grabbed hold of his hand and pressed a chaste kiss into his palm, before smiling back up at Yifan, the way he liked it. "I'm happy, and it's all thanks to you."

"You deserve all the happiness in the world," Yifan told her, leaning forward to press their foreheads together, his thumbs still stroking her cheeks in a slow, tender manner. "You seemed to have lived a rough life before this. It pains me to think that you've suffered."

Lu Han was about to ask what Yifan had meant by that, but before she had the chance to do so, she found herself freezing when she could feel Yifan placing a light pressure over the base of her spine, right above an old scar she'd sustained in the past. In all the times they've made passionate love in the confines of the clubhouse, Yifan had never questioned her about the numerous scars which littered her body. Lu Han thought Yifan hadn't noticed them, but right now, she couldn't be sure. "Yifan?"

She gasped again when Yifan wrapped his strong arms around her and buried his face in the crook of her neck, though she reached around and dug her fingers into his shirt, savouring his warmth pressed so close to her. Her heart constricted at the mere thought that she might lose him some time down the road. "The scars on your body - did Yunho leave them on you?"

It was then that the fear seized her. While it was true that she'd received a fair share of abuse from Yunho, it didn't end with him. Many other men have laid their hands on Lu Han while she was executing Yunho's nefarious plans at getting promoted through the fastest way possible, and she was extremely afraid that Yifan might look at her with disgust instead of love in his eyes, from how tainted her body was. Even the thought itself scared her; she'd usually handle the other men with callousness, not caring if their reputations were ruined in the end, because that was part of Yunho's plans all along. Casualties were to be expected, Lu Han had been told, and her body was nothing more than a tool, used by Yunho to claw his way to the top, to seduce these high-ranked officers into getting her husband a promotion in the army.

But things were different with Yifan. Lu Han knew of this from the very first time they'd met at the Officers' Ball, when Yifan had rejected Yunho's offer at allowing him to have a dance with Lu Han. If it were any other man, they would have jumped at the chance without second thought, especially when Lu Han had been wearing such a bold dress which revealed more of her body than clothes those days were supposed to. Yifan, however, treated her with utmost respect and gentleness, until Lu Han had made the first move on him.

Yifan was the first and only person who held her like she was fragile, never once hurting her, and Lu Han realised that she couldn't bear to lose him, now. She didn't want to keep helping Yunho with his cause, not if it would harm Yifan in the process. She couldn't.

"You don't have to be afraid to tell me, Han." Yifan whispered in her ear again when she remained silent. "I'm here to protect you. I won't let him hurt you."

Only then did Lu Han swallow against the invisible lump in her throat. "I'm not afraid of being hurt, Fan. I'm more afraid that you'll hate me if I told you the entire truth."

Yifan held her impossibly closer to him, and Lu Han closed her eyes, savouring what could possibly be the last few moments she had with Yifan before he pushed her away and shunned her for her past. "I couldn't possibly hate you, Han, so please, let me know who did this to you."

Steeling her nerves, Lu Han sucked in a deep breath and extracted herself out of Yifan's embrace. It would probably hurt less this way, with Lu Han hugging herself as she told Yifan more of her past, instead of having him push her away when he got too revolted by what she had done. She wasn't proud of it, but it wasn't as though she had a choice.

"Yunho wasn't the only one who'd left these scars on me," Lu Han said through the thundering of her pulse, though she forced herself to plough on, knowing that she'd lose her courage to continue if she ever stopped. She didn't think it was fair, for Yifan to continue being with her without knowing everything about her. "I... I used to sleep around a lot. Under Yunho's orders. He-" At this, Lu Han squeezed her eyes shut, not wanting to see the changes in Yifan's expressions with her own eyes. "He is extremely ambitious, and he intends to get promoted through the ranks in the fastest possible way. And by using me as an offering, he'd bribe the higher-ranked officers in other battalions to get his way."

Lu Han could feel herself tremble and being covered in cold sweat, even though the afternoon sun was high and the inside of the jeep was warm. Telling these things to Yifan meant that Lu Han had to dig up the most unsavoury of memories, many of which she would find herself at the receiving end of knuckles and open palms and belts. "These officers... they were almost never gentle, and when they found out that I was born a refugee's daughter, they'd-"

The flashback of a leather belt coming down at her in high speed - the memory associated with the scar at the base of her spine - struck her just then, and Lu Han had to inhale deeply and dig the tips of her fingers into her knees, creating pain to fight against pain. The memories of her being abused for these men's sexual gratification were the worst, and rarely did Lu Han get out of these sessions unscathed. They always struck her hard, as they couldn't have done the same to their own wives for fear of inviting malicious gossip about their skewed preferences, but Lu Han was different - Lu Han was free game, with Yunho allowing them to do whatever they pleased with his wife. As long as these men were happy by the end of it and Yunho got his way with things, Lu Han's comfort and injuries were secondary.

Her pain was so overwhelming that Lu Han gasped and screamed when a warm pair of hands touched her face out of a sudden, and she tried desperately to open the door, wanting nothing else but to get out of this confined space, to get away from the person who was trying to get advantage of her. She succeeded for the most part, only to stumble when she hopped off the vehicle, forgetting that she had been seated in the jeep. Her hands stung where it had scraped against the rough grains of sand, though her first instinct at the sound of another door slamming shut was to run.

"Lu Han!" The man yelled after her, but still Lu Han continued to run, knowing that the man will hurt her if she ever stopped. That was what they always did - punish her gravely if she ever dared go against their wishes.

Lu Han screamed again when the man finally managed to catch up to her, his arms coming to wrap around her body, and she found herself being slammed painfully back against his chest. This time, she could no longer stop her tears of fear from falling, feeling her body shivering from the mere thought that she'd receive a fresh set of scars by the end of the day, bruised and battered and having to cover up or hide at home for a couple of days until the worst of her injuries healed up.

"Lu Han, calm down!" The man shouted in her ears over Lu Han's incessant screaming, holding her tightly still but oddly not enough to hurt. The warmth was familiar - too familiar for comfort, and suddenly Lu Han was reminded that she had been in the car with Yifan, and had been telling him of her experiences before she was freaked out by the ghosts of her past.

In that sense, Yifan was so incredibly patient with her, cooing at her softly as he continued to hold her in his arms. "Lu Han, please, calm down. Listen to me-" Yifan said again, this time a lot more gentle. "-you're safe. You're safe with me. I won't let anyone hurt you in the same way they did. Shh."

Only then did Lu Han feel her pulse slowing down, even though the tears still lingered at the corner of her eyes and she still felt chilled to the bones. Whenever these memories returned to her, it always took hours for Lu Han to return to full functionality. "I'm sorry, I thought-"

"You don't have to explain, Han. I understand." Yifan told her, pressing tender kisses to her saltwater-licked hair, keeping her in his warm embrace. "I wish I could erase those memories for you; anything at all so that you won't be afraid anymore."

Lu Han couldn't trust herself to open her eyes, afraid that the illusion might shatter and she might be greeted with Yifan's disgusted expressions. "You- you don't hate me? For everything I've gone through? For how filthy I am?"

"I couldn't possibly hate you." Yifan whispered in her ear, voice trembling, as though the mere thought of him hating her pained him. Lu Han wanted to believe it was true. "You had no control over what had happened, but now I'm here, and I won't let anyone hurt you if I could help it. So please, let me take care of you."

Lu Han tightened her grip on Yifan's hand; he was an existence which grounded her to reality, and she grew to love him even more than ever. "I will never let you get embroiled in Yunho's plans, I hope you know that."

She could feel the way Yifan smiled against her hair, and her worries that Yifan would think of her in a lesser manner were effectively dispelled. "I know, Han. I know."

--

Part IV