Avoiding Mirrors; (c8)
(C8); The Distance Between Us
JaeJoong&Yunho
Drama, Romance, Smut
Summary: Yunho is a Psychoanalyst and JaeJoong's his patient.
Avoiding Mirrors;
Chapter 8
At the age of 28, Yunho motionlessly silent, leather soles rooted solid onto wet freshly cut grass. His toes curling as his breaths came in shaky puffs as though struggling to breath; as though it hurt to breath. A crumpled letter clutched in his right hand.
His vacant brown eyes fastened on each letter that was neatly engraved onto the gray tombstone that stood tauntingly before him. Licking his dry lips, his eyes narrowed; black orbs darting from one letter to the other, as though desperately searching for a hidden message within the letters that spelled out a name. As if trying to piece together the puzzle, the mystery as to why it happened. Those nine letters only Yunho would see.
Everyday he returned to that grave, muted by denial that choked and suffocated him into overwhelming helplessness. It was denial alone that kept him coming back, needing to be reminded everyday of his loss. Small pricks of grass had already started poking through the soil, and yet he stood before that grave unbelieving. Many times the impulse to dig up the grave, to open the casket, and force open those pretty eyes that once looked at him so lovingly became so unbearable he would mindlessly dig his nails into his palms, drawing blood as he balled his hands into tight fists; his whole body shaking as he fought with himself.
He tilted his head to the side, left - right, left - right, his head moving side to side as if not sure was to do with himself. Since his loss, Yunho lived the life of a man who welcomed death with open arms; but cowered at the thought of taking his own life.
Two years had went by in a blink of an eye, from JaeJoong's attempted suicide which was later called an "accidental overdose" by the media to Yunho and Bae's marriage. Two weeks after JaeJoong was released from the hospital, he stepped out of the limelight and disappeared, last spotted at Gimpo Airport sporting a black hoodie and black beanie, and sun glasses that covered half his face with two bags at hand and a ticket to America. That was the last time JaeJoong was ever seen, vanishing completely without a trace as if never having existed.
Three months after JaeJoong's disappearance, Yunho and Bae were married before a priest. No family were present to witness their coming together as husband and wife; for Bae had no family and Yunho couldn't be bothered to invite his own.
Bae had been an orphan, brought to an orphanage at the age of 6 by her grandmother who claimed Bae's parent's had died in a car accident, and that she was not financially prepared to take Bae into her care.
She stayed in that orphanage, unwanted and uncared for; having to struggle on her own. At 16 she packed her bags and ran away, having found a small unused storage room on the third floor of her high school and she made it her home. From there she worked odd jobs to support herself, working two jobs as both a morning paper delivery girl and a dishwasher at a small sushi bar in the evenings. It was at night that she would do all her studying, along with eating her only meal of the day in which she stole guiltily from the cafeteria kitchen.
By the time she graduated from high school with honors at the age of 19, she was accepted into Seoul University on a full scholarship, that same year she was diagnosed with a rare heart defect that left her doctor numbed with regret, having no possibility of curing the beautiful young woman that smiled painfully through tears. The beautiful young woman that slowly nodded her head upon hearing her diagnosis, and said "I trust you doctor."
"There is nothing we can do Bae Shii," She was told two months later. Having looked at all her possibilities, there was no way she could come out of anything safely. Having only ten percent of living if put into surgery, and having the possibility of coming out of it permanently disabled.
Bae met Yunho at the age of twenty, a man with a face plastered with drive and determination. A man she quickly took a liking to. Yunho sat three seats away from her in Psychology, and five seats away from her in Sociology; always to her right, eyes always on the white board, hands moving briskly to jot down concise notes.
"Can I borrow your notes?" Simple, those five words brought them mutual companionship. In the back of her mind, she had expected the handsome man to reject her, to scoff at her and tell her she should have taken good notes on her own, but incredibly he nodded. A small, somewhat piercing smile on his lips as he handed her his notes, which were so neat Bae took extra care of it.
At the age of twenty-two, Yunho found out about Bae's illness after having collapsed at school. Yunho had brought her to the hospital, wonderment and fear filling his veins with hot acid. The doctor mistakened the teary eyed Yunho as a relative and discussed her condition with him as Bae slept soundly. "There really isn't anything we can do for her. All we can do now is wait. Wait for a miracle."
At twenty-three Yunho graduated early and went head strong into his set occupation. Driven and eager to earn quickly and support Bae as much as money could allow him. Determination isolated him from the real world, plunging himself into work in order to help his only friend, becoming less of a human to save his friend that was dieing slowly before him.
At twenty-four Bae graduated, but was labeled unable to work. Pushing Bae further into depression, and Yunho in inhuman work hours, having taken it upon himself to support her. No, maybe he wasn't just working for the sake of showing his father up, no. He wanted to support her, give her strength and a shoulder to lean on. But as the years went on, Yunho began to slip away from Bae. Supporting her with money, and only that. Losing himself, and his humanity. Until he found JaeJoong, but what JaeJoong took away from him, Bae gave back to him. Loving him unconditionally.
Yunho and Bae tried to live as normally as Bae's health could allow them to. The days of their marriage were filled with doctor appointments in hopes maybe there was a way around her heart defect, there wasn't. Bae living passed the age of 22 was miracle enough. "I'm not really a person. Am I Yun Oppa? Something - is really wrong with me isn't there Oppa."
"I'm sorry Bae Shii. I'm so sorry there wasn't anything we could do."
Two weeks after Bae's 28th birthday, she passed away as one would in their sleep. A letter tucked in between her finger's.
[Bae Seul Gi
1981 - 2009]
Yunho pressed his lips together, his fingers trembling as they unfolded the letter he read everyday, his aged eyes squinting as the sun shone upon the wrinkled piece of paper.
[ Dear Yun Oppa,
Love makes you incredibly greedy. Overwhelmingly selfish and greedy, and that is what I became because of your love. Oppa, you took care of me well, and you loved me as much as you could. I thank you for that. Our marriage Oppa, made me happy. Too happy, It hurt. Because I didn't deserve you. Because, I knew you loved someone else and I didn't let you go.
Oppa, I let you suffer even though you were nothing but good to me. I'm sorry, Oppa. Really. I'am sorry. I'm also sorry that I was the reason JaeJoong shii left. I knew, I knew you loved JaeJoong Shii when I came over that time, and still I didn't want to give you up. Oppa, I was happy when JaeJoong shii left.
Have I upset you Yun Oppa? Leaving you this letter, do you hate me? I know I deserve it for I tied myself to you when all you wanted was to be set free. I used your vulnerability to my advantage and tried to keep you mine.
I'm sorry Oppa. Please forgive me, for I am not at your side anymore. Please don't hate me, for I am not burdening you any longer. Please don't cry, for I know JaeJoong shii is waiting for you. It is your time now Oppa, time for you to set yourself free from me and find JaeJoong shii. Please Oppa, for yourself.
Love, Bae. ]
Yunho ran his finger down Bae's dried tear drops on the letter, low sobs escaping his throat as he cried silently to himself. Bae, I'm sorry you thought of yourself as a burden. I'm sorry.
Bae loved Yunho, loved him like she could do no other, not being able to see a life without him. Selfishly loving Yunho was all she could do. But she not once told Yunho she loved him. Not even being able to write down her confession in her farewell note. As much as she wanted to, she knew it would hurt her husband - her only friend. She died, without having told Yunho what was really in her heart. As broken as it was, it was filled with Yunho.
"Yun Oppa, I love you ..."
Closing his eyes, Yunho drew a strangled breath before picking his cell phone out of his pocket, dialing, and putting it to his ear, "operator, can you give me the number to Shim Changmin's office?"
//
Why hello, long absence? Yes I know. I'm terribly sorry. But I did in fact take my darling's advice, and took a break from work! :D I promise. No more collapsing at work! One time is enough for me.
But yes. I took a break :D *jumps up and smiles-. So, as you can see - this took me forever to write. Or maybe not since I privately posted this on June 22. But I really couldn't stand to look at it! Something really felt wrong with it, and it really etched me to the bone that I dreaded writing this chapter!
I do not go much into Bae's and Yunho's marriage for I really couldn't bear to write it, and I do not write about Jae's attempted suicide for a reason D: Trust me, I have a reason haha! ♥
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JaeJoong&Yunho
Drama, Romance, Smut
Summary: Yunho is a Psychoanalyst and JaeJoong's his patient.
Avoiding Mirrors;
Chapter 8
At the age of 28, Yunho motionlessly silent, leather soles rooted solid onto wet freshly cut grass. His toes curling as his breaths came in shaky puffs as though struggling to breath; as though it hurt to breath. A crumpled letter clutched in his right hand.
His vacant brown eyes fastened on each letter that was neatly engraved onto the gray tombstone that stood tauntingly before him. Licking his dry lips, his eyes narrowed; black orbs darting from one letter to the other, as though desperately searching for a hidden message within the letters that spelled out a name. As if trying to piece together the puzzle, the mystery as to why it happened. Those nine letters only Yunho would see.
Everyday he returned to that grave, muted by denial that choked and suffocated him into overwhelming helplessness. It was denial alone that kept him coming back, needing to be reminded everyday of his loss. Small pricks of grass had already started poking through the soil, and yet he stood before that grave unbelieving. Many times the impulse to dig up the grave, to open the casket, and force open those pretty eyes that once looked at him so lovingly became so unbearable he would mindlessly dig his nails into his palms, drawing blood as he balled his hands into tight fists; his whole body shaking as he fought with himself.
He tilted his head to the side, left - right, left - right, his head moving side to side as if not sure was to do with himself. Since his loss, Yunho lived the life of a man who welcomed death with open arms; but cowered at the thought of taking his own life.
Two years had went by in a blink of an eye, from JaeJoong's attempted suicide which was later called an "accidental overdose" by the media to Yunho and Bae's marriage. Two weeks after JaeJoong was released from the hospital, he stepped out of the limelight and disappeared, last spotted at Gimpo Airport sporting a black hoodie and black beanie, and sun glasses that covered half his face with two bags at hand and a ticket to America. That was the last time JaeJoong was ever seen, vanishing completely without a trace as if never having existed.
Three months after JaeJoong's disappearance, Yunho and Bae were married before a priest. No family were present to witness their coming together as husband and wife; for Bae had no family and Yunho couldn't be bothered to invite his own.
Bae had been an orphan, brought to an orphanage at the age of 6 by her grandmother who claimed Bae's parent's had died in a car accident, and that she was not financially prepared to take Bae into her care.
She stayed in that orphanage, unwanted and uncared for; having to struggle on her own. At 16 she packed her bags and ran away, having found a small unused storage room on the third floor of her high school and she made it her home. From there she worked odd jobs to support herself, working two jobs as both a morning paper delivery girl and a dishwasher at a small sushi bar in the evenings. It was at night that she would do all her studying, along with eating her only meal of the day in which she stole guiltily from the cafeteria kitchen.
By the time she graduated from high school with honors at the age of 19, she was accepted into Seoul University on a full scholarship, that same year she was diagnosed with a rare heart defect that left her doctor numbed with regret, having no possibility of curing the beautiful young woman that smiled painfully through tears. The beautiful young woman that slowly nodded her head upon hearing her diagnosis, and said "I trust you doctor."
"There is nothing we can do Bae Shii," She was told two months later. Having looked at all her possibilities, there was no way she could come out of anything safely. Having only ten percent of living if put into surgery, and having the possibility of coming out of it permanently disabled.
Bae met Yunho at the age of twenty, a man with a face plastered with drive and determination. A man she quickly took a liking to. Yunho sat three seats away from her in Psychology, and five seats away from her in Sociology; always to her right, eyes always on the white board, hands moving briskly to jot down concise notes.
"Can I borrow your notes?" Simple, those five words brought them mutual companionship. In the back of her mind, she had expected the handsome man to reject her, to scoff at her and tell her she should have taken good notes on her own, but incredibly he nodded. A small, somewhat piercing smile on his lips as he handed her his notes, which were so neat Bae took extra care of it.
At the age of twenty-two, Yunho found out about Bae's illness after having collapsed at school. Yunho had brought her to the hospital, wonderment and fear filling his veins with hot acid. The doctor mistakened the teary eyed Yunho as a relative and discussed her condition with him as Bae slept soundly. "There really isn't anything we can do for her. All we can do now is wait. Wait for a miracle."
At twenty-three Yunho graduated early and went head strong into his set occupation. Driven and eager to earn quickly and support Bae as much as money could allow him. Determination isolated him from the real world, plunging himself into work in order to help his only friend, becoming less of a human to save his friend that was dieing slowly before him.
At twenty-four Bae graduated, but was labeled unable to work. Pushing Bae further into depression, and Yunho in inhuman work hours, having taken it upon himself to support her. No, maybe he wasn't just working for the sake of showing his father up, no. He wanted to support her, give her strength and a shoulder to lean on. But as the years went on, Yunho began to slip away from Bae. Supporting her with money, and only that. Losing himself, and his humanity. Until he found JaeJoong, but what JaeJoong took away from him, Bae gave back to him. Loving him unconditionally.
Yunho and Bae tried to live as normally as Bae's health could allow them to. The days of their marriage were filled with doctor appointments in hopes maybe there was a way around her heart defect, there wasn't. Bae living passed the age of 22 was miracle enough. "I'm not really a person. Am I Yun Oppa? Something - is really wrong with me isn't there Oppa."
"I'm sorry Bae Shii. I'm so sorry there wasn't anything we could do."
Two weeks after Bae's 28th birthday, she passed away as one would in their sleep. A letter tucked in between her finger's.
[Bae Seul Gi
1981 - 2009]
Yunho pressed his lips together, his fingers trembling as they unfolded the letter he read everyday, his aged eyes squinting as the sun shone upon the wrinkled piece of paper.
[ Dear Yun Oppa,
Love makes you incredibly greedy. Overwhelmingly selfish and greedy, and that is what I became because of your love. Oppa, you took care of me well, and you loved me as much as you could. I thank you for that. Our marriage Oppa, made me happy. Too happy, It hurt. Because I didn't deserve you. Because, I knew you loved someone else and I didn't let you go.
Oppa, I let you suffer even though you were nothing but good to me. I'm sorry, Oppa. Really. I'am sorry. I'm also sorry that I was the reason JaeJoong shii left. I knew, I knew you loved JaeJoong Shii when I came over that time, and still I didn't want to give you up. Oppa, I was happy when JaeJoong shii left.
Have I upset you Yun Oppa? Leaving you this letter, do you hate me? I know I deserve it for I tied myself to you when all you wanted was to be set free. I used your vulnerability to my advantage and tried to keep you mine.
I'm sorry Oppa. Please forgive me, for I am not at your side anymore. Please don't hate me, for I am not burdening you any longer. Please don't cry, for I know JaeJoong shii is waiting for you. It is your time now Oppa, time for you to set yourself free from me and find JaeJoong shii. Please Oppa, for yourself.
Love, Bae. ]
Yunho ran his finger down Bae's dried tear drops on the letter, low sobs escaping his throat as he cried silently to himself. Bae, I'm sorry you thought of yourself as a burden. I'm sorry.
Bae loved Yunho, loved him like she could do no other, not being able to see a life without him. Selfishly loving Yunho was all she could do. But she not once told Yunho she loved him. Not even being able to write down her confession in her farewell note. As much as she wanted to, she knew it would hurt her husband - her only friend. She died, without having told Yunho what was really in her heart. As broken as it was, it was filled with Yunho.
"Yun Oppa, I love you ..."
Closing his eyes, Yunho drew a strangled breath before picking his cell phone out of his pocket, dialing, and putting it to his ear, "operator, can you give me the number to Shim Changmin's office?"
//
Why hello, long absence? Yes I know. I'm terribly sorry. But I did in fact take my darling's advice, and took a break from work! :D I promise. No more collapsing at work! One time is enough for me.
But yes. I took a break :D *jumps up and smiles-. So, as you can see - this took me forever to write. Or maybe not since I privately posted this on June 22. But I really couldn't stand to look at it! Something really felt wrong with it, and it really etched me to the bone that I dreaded writing this chapter!
I do not go much into Bae's and Yunho's marriage for I really couldn't bear to write it, and I do not write about Jae's attempted suicide for a reason D: Trust me, I have a reason haha! ♥
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