Avoiding Mirrors; (c5)
(C5) - & if I should stay?
JaeJoong&Yunho
Romance, Drama, Smut
Summary: Yunho is a Psychoanalyst and JaeJoong's his patient.
Avoiding Mirrors;
Chapter 5
"What is it Jae? Yunho asked the younger man who sat in between his legs, his back rested snugly against the warmth of Yunho's chest. Yunho had his arms wrapped around the younger man's stomach, his fingers mindlessly making circles around his lover's belly button, his lips pressed to his lover's back as his eyes stole glances to his blond beast. In JaeJoong's hands held a newspaper in which he was too absorbed in that he was oblivious to Yunho's existence.
Yunho enjoyed their Sunday afternoon's together, laying idly on the couch, his lover in his arms reading the newspaper. JaeJoong was never busy on Sunday's, on week day morning's he would be on set for his upcoming movie which was on the wrap up, then in the afternoon he would be off to photo shoots or promotional events. On weekends he would be in the studio recording his new new single, then from there he would guest in radio shows or interviews. Sundays were his only day off. Whenever he got off of work early he would find a way to sneak into Yunho's apartment. The office was barely an option anymore. It simply amazed Yunho how the younger man could handle his work load and still find time and energy to be with him. Was he Superman?
"You're the air that I breathe Yunhoyah. You keep me going, even when I want to stop.
I love you."
JaeJoong would always tell him that, repeated it endlessly. Yunho had yet to say those words - but JaeJoong never looked at him as though expecting it. Never once did he look disappointed when Yunho didn't respond. That was something Yunho didn't understand the most.
Yunho glanced at the article, but dared not read it for he knew JaeJoong would summarize it for him after anyways. In the beginning, Yunho used to try to catch up with JaeJoong - but JaeJoong was a skimmer. Where as Yunho liked to analyze things and take time reading things slowly, JaeJoong liked to speed read. Yunho realized not too long ago that it was a force of habit. An automatic trigger that set JaeJoong off, for he unconsciously timed himself up to do everything fast.
Ever since JaeJoong was pushed into the limelight, he was scheduled and timed precisely, never having the piece of mind that slow was good. Old habits don't die easy, and since JaeJoong was basically trained to do things fast, he developed a mentality that he was always running out of time. Yunho slowly had been trying to slow JaeJoong down a bit, and slowly - JaeJoong was getting used to 'slow'. But speed reading was something JaeJoong would not give up.
JaeJoong loved facts and current events, half the things they talked about was about what JaeJoong had read from the newspaper or seen on the news. JaeJoong had told him history was his favorite subject when he was a kid, even confessing he fell in love with his female history teacher, and considered the fact that maybe if he had waited they might have possibly hit it off.
Yunho didn't know everything about JaeJoong, as much as he wanted to know him to his very core, he wouldn't force it. He was after all still his Analyst, if he could even call himself that. He had to deal with JaeJoong the way he knew how, and that was with patience. Yunho didn't know anything about JaeJoong's family, nor did JaeJoong speak of them. It was as if he were passing them off as a bad dream that he was struggling to forget. He couldn't force it, he would wait - for as long as it took until JaeJoong could tell him what was eating him up. What was it that had him in such a state.
JaeJoong, however, knew just about everything about Yunho, from his overbearing and never content father, quiet mother, and his sibling's - from his past friends to why he was still with Bae. There wasn't a thing Yunho didn't tell JaeJoong, for he was not an interesting man. He lived a regular childhood, maybe a little too bright for his own good - and always top of his class. It wasn't as if his father beat him, but he did go home to a father that pushed him farther and harder into maddening superiority. Whatever he did, he had to be the best - no matter who he stepped on, he had to be the best - and because of that, he was always alone.
But now, Yunho finally had a taste of love, had a taste of waking up in someone's arms - the warmth, his racing heart, the feeling of being at one with another person - he felt alive. Now that he had it, he knew he couldn't do without it, couldn't live without it - without him.
The only thing he hadn't told JaeJoong was what he longed to tell him the most - that was that he loved him - and that he was his first time. JaeJoong never asked anyways, possibly because he didn't want to know for he was too easily jealous or because he knew Yunho was a virgin.
JaeJoong read Yunho like an open book, always being able to read his mind, or finish off his sentences. He knew JaeJoong could feel him from the first time they laid eyes on each other - as if he was seeping into his mind, analyzing his dirty secrets, milking out his insecurities. Sometimes he wondered who the Analyst was, him or JaeJoong. But in a room with only them - his lover and him together. It scarcely mattered who was analyzing who.
Yunho on the other hand knew JaeJoong had not been a virgin. JaeJoong never talked about it, but Yunho knew - he could feel it. Feel it with the way JaeJoong led him in the first couple times they made love and he knew that he had done it with men before - how else would he pick up such techniques that drove Yunho to the edge.
"Jae?" Yunho said again, resting his chin in the crook of JaeJoong's neck, stealing yet another glance at his preoccupied lover. A troubled expression clouded the younger man's face, his eyes beetled together as if pained by what he was reading, his lips slightly parted as small wheezing sounds escaped his mouth. Yunho watched as the younger man clutched the newspaper, his eyes frantically scanning every sentence of the article. Yunho looked at the headline;
'Another Model Commits Suicide.'
"Those sons of bitches." JaeJoong said under his breath. His voice soft but hard - a contradiction. Yunho frowned, staring at his lover with worried eyes as the younger man clutched the newspaper tighter. Yunho could feel JaeJoong's body tense up in his arms, he was trembling - Yunho was quick to react, he hugged the younger man tighter, turning his head to the side - he pressed his ear to JaeJoong's back, listening to his heart beat.
Thump-thump-thump-thump
His heart beat raced.
"The fuck is this?" JaeJoong screamed throwing the paper to the ground.
"Jaebaby?" Yunho said through his quivering voice. He knew what was coming, he needed to prepare himself.
Almost suddenly, JaeJoong threw his head back, the back of his head meeting Yunho's shoulders, his teeth gnashed in a painful grimace and his eyes wide with fright and despair. Yunho could feel the spasms that surged through his lovers body, sending his lover into a state of uncontrollable convulsions.
"It's okay baby. It's okay!" Yunho could feel his stomach churn in fear - fear coating the insides of his chest and lighting a fire in his stomach. He quickly bit his tongue and swallowed as he hugged his lover tighter. Holding his lover in panic, holding him as if his life was on the line
Don't panic, don't fucking panic - or else you'll scare JaeJoong even more.
JaeJoong moved his jaw up and down as if struggling to speak. But no words formed, just whimpers and strangled cries, his face a mask of tears and sweat as his eyes darted from side to side as if searching for something to help ease his pain.
"It can't kill you Jae. It can't kill you!" Yunho said into his lover's ear as his strong arms tried to keep his grip on his shaking lover, "It can't kill you Jae. I won't let it." Yunho cried, rubbing his lover's chest.
Try to breath Jae, try to breath. Relax, please. Relax!
JaeJoong suffered from panic attacks since the tender age of 13. Yunho's first experience with JaeJoong's panic attacks left him devastated to the point he couldn't sleep without seeing his lover on the floor shaking violently, his head moving up and down as if he had been possessed. It rendered Yunho immobile.
It had not been the first time he had to deal with a patient that suffered with panic attacks, and he would handle it as a professional, no emotions. One of his former patients, Park Yoochun had the worst panic attacks Yunho had ever encountered, and he did not even bat an eye. Of course he felt bad for his patients - but he did what he had to do.
JaeJoong's panic attack was the first time he panicked, not knowing what to do - he ended up crying as he held JaeJoong's hand, begging for JaeJoong to breath.
His last panic attack had been 5 months ago.
JaeJoong's black eyes shifted back and forth, his eyes blazed with desperation. Yunho was already in tears, this is bad - this one's bad he thought to himself as he cried into his lover's ear. With one last strangled cry, JaeJoong gasped for air - terrified, his chest heaving like something was trying to get out.
"Yun." JaeJoong choked as his shaking grounded to a complete stop, JaeJoong eased into Yunho's death grip, his whole body limp as all energy was drained from his body. "Yun," JaeJoong cried again, this time he sobbed; clinging onto Yunho's arm like a child. His eyes closed shut as he cried agonized chest-wrenching cries.
I know Jae.
I know it hurts. What can I do for you, how can I help you? What can I do or say to free those thoughts
you've imprisoned inside your head - those unspoken thoughts you're too ashamed to say - even to me.
"Jae." Yunho cried harder, folding his body around his lover like a protective blanket, kissing his lovers temple as his eyes strayed to the newspaper.
''Another Model Commits Suicide'
Dirty price of fame, list of men has been found. In a suicide letter, Model Min Go Shin admitted she was forced into sex with -
"It's okay now Jae. It's over now." He cried, kissing his lover's head repeatedly as they both cried in their own secret pain.
"Jaebaby." Yunho whispered, blinking the sleep from his eyes. He turned to the digital clock on his dresser, "nine am?" he whispered to himself. He turned to his lover who slept undisturbed beside him. "Jae," he said again, kissing his lover's cheek. His unblemished beauty slept like a log, his hair in disarray, as it lapped over like waves - his breaths coming in light huffs suggesting good sleep.
The younger man intuitively moved his head towards Yunho, nuzzling his face into Yunho's neck, his hand coming up from the sheets to hug around Yunho's stomach. Yunho laughed, pushing JaeJoong's shoulders so he lay flat as he rolled on top of him. He kissed the younger man's slightly opened mouth. "Wake up," he whispered, his kisses becoming more demanding.
"Mmm, noo." The younger man whimpered throwing his head to the side to avoid Yunho's kisses - then slowly finding sleep again.
"Jae!" Yunho said teasingly, as he inched down his lover's naked body. Kissing him delicately before he reached his lovers cock. In one go, Yunho took his lovers cock in his mouth sucking him off, the taste of cum still present from their love making the night before.
Yunho choked, alarmed at the sound of knocking at his door.
"Yun!" JaeJoong jolted up, his breath ragged, his cheeks tinted pink.
"Good! You're up." Yunho said, getting up off the bed, "someone's here, hurry dress up!" Yunho instructed, putting on a shirt and fresh boxers, aware his lover was giving him a stare down.
"Yunhoyah, you fucking bastard!" JaeJoong muttered, getting up - hands on hips. "You started it, now take responsibility."
Yunho looked at JaeJoong and realized what he had done. Across from him on the other side of the bed stood his blond beast, his arms crossed and his cock painfully erect. Yunho laughed and walked towards his lover - pulling him into a soft kiss.
"Don't be mad Jae." He whispered into JaeJoong's ear before getting on his knees and kissing the tip of his lovers cock, "forgive me-" he said taking in the head and sucking at it furiously. He looked up seeing his lover's eyes closed tight as he gasped out, his eye lashes fluttering
So beautiful, so truly beautiful.
Yunho smiled, getting up, he kissed his lover's cheek. "I'm sorry!" Yunho laughed, dashing out of the room into the washroom. JaeJoong always brought out Yunho's childishness, one way or another. It was almost comical, seeing a grown man of 26 smirking to himself as he ran to the washroom to hide from his angered lover.
"Yun!" Yunho could hear JaeJoong yell. "Get dressed fast!" Yunho responded before his, "I'll be right there!" to the person outside the door.
in 30 seconds both were dressed, in 1 minute both had speed brushed their teeth and washed their faces, in 2 minutes both styled their hair - JaeJoong taking a bit longer to get his mohawk just right, in 3 minutes JaeJoong was on the couch, his legs crossed to hide his provoked arousal and Yunho at the door welcoming his unexpected guest.
"Bae." Yunho said quizzically as the beauty entered, "what are you-"
"I'm sorry, I know it's early in the morning." Bae replied shyly, her eyes bright as she looked Yunho square in the face. Yunho couldn't help but feel flushed when he saw her in a good mood. For she extracted a light atmosphere for Yunho, but at the same time - she complicated everything.
"No, I'm sorry. I actually have a patient over. This was the only time he could be scheduled." Yunho tried to make up a perfectly reasonable excuse for having a patient over so early in the morning without generating any kind of suspicion.
"Oh!" Bae said surprised, her lips pressed together in curiosity.
"Sensei. I don't have all day." A dull voice came from the living room. Yunho frowned to himself, not sure what JaeJoong was up to.
"Is that?" Bae asked, her eyes wide, "Kim JaeJoong?"
"How did you know?" Yunho asked in wonderment, he knew he never mentioned JaeJoong was his patient to Bae.
"Who wouldn't know Yun Oppa! His voice in like no other." Bae jumped up, almost childlike. Yunho couldn't help but smile at the eager Bae who looked star struck.
Bae looked up at him sadly, "Oppa, do you want me to leave?"
"I'm sorry Bae - it's work. You know how it is- " Yunho reasoned. He really didn't want JaeJoong and Bae to meet, he knew only bad could come of it.
"Sensei." JaeJoong's dulled voice came up again. Yunho jerked back, finding JaeJoong walking towards them, hands jammed in his pockets.
Jae, what are you doing, I'm already getting rid of her - go back!
"Sensei, is this your girlfriend?" JaeJoong asked, his face showed no trace of wonder - for his face was expressionless, suggesting boredom - but his eyes, Yunho saw fire, dancing in a pool of black. He scanned Bae from head to toe, Yunho saw that his lover was was sizing her up very carefully.
Painful silence surrounded JaeJoong when he looked at Bae, as if becoming unbearable to look at her he closed his eyes. Yunho could feel it, behind his strong front - behind his wall of strength lingered uneasiness and instability. He was threatened.
"Hontoni kire ne Sensei." JaeJoong said, his voice becoming faint, monotonous. But his look mocked Yunho, as if Yunho had lied to him and he wanted to punish him for doing so.
Yunho looked at him, taken aback. But Bae looked unfazed, oblivious to JaeJoong's death glares. Bae didn't understand Japanese, and Yunho was glad JaeJoong had been using Japanese to converse with him - but something felt off. The way JaeJoong was talking. Even though being around other people brought back his bad boy character, the JaeJoong Yunho and Bae were with seemed harsher.
"JaeJoong shii, should we end our session now?" Yunho glared at him threateningly.
JaeJoong looked at him, frozen in place as if seriously contemplating the complexity of the question. Then suddenly his eyes lit up strangely, and he smiled - a lopsided, somewhat devilish smirk. His smirk revealed a faint glow of satisfaction - he could feel Yunho, and Yunho knew it, he was seeping into his mind again - Yunho was nervous.
"No, its fine Sensei. We'll continue and she can join us. Don't worry Sensei, you'll still receive payment since I'm still in your presence." JaeJoong winked, then reverted his gaze back to Bae who stared at him in awe and fascination.
JaeJoong on the other hand stared her down, as if desperate to find fault in the beauty - a flaw, any kind of flaw - within seconds he nodded as if concluding his thoughts.
"My name is Kim JaeJoong, nice to meet you." He regarded her emotionlessly.
"Hello JaeJoong shii, my name is Ba-" Bae trailed off, a pang of disappointment filling her chest.
JaeJoong had cut her off by heading off into the living room, "follow me, will you." He said lazily, without looking back.
Don't be an asshole Jae ...
Bae looked flustered, not knowing what to do with herself, she looked at her hands.
"Maybe I should go." She smiled meekly.
"Bae, don't. You know how celebrities are." Yunho said trying to salvage the situation. He knew he should have agreed she leave, knew that if she were to stay he would be digging his own grave. But Bae was his friend, Bae didn't deserve JaeJoong's treatment and didn't deserve Yunho cheating on he either.
Nervously Bae looked up at Yunho, and was met with an encouraging smile. Yunho took her hand and led her to the living room.
"Wow, and I thought you guys left me to fuck." JaeJoong mocked, "sit." He motioned to the single couch chair as he eased comfortably on the main couch.
Yunho stared at the younger man, his lover becoming detached - his lover reverting back to his bad boy character - his lover finding solace in his character's hostility. It was if Yunho was looking at the kid he saw 7 months ago, that day JaeJoong came for his first session.
The younger man's eyes strayed, finding Yunho holding Bae's hand. His eyes snapping up to meet Yunho's stare.
Yunho heard JaeJoong's voice in his head, loud and clear. "Drop her hand Yun. Drop it now." Slowly, Yunho did as instructed and nodded for Bae to sit. Bae obeyed, sitting where directed.
Yunho didn't know what to do, what to say. He couldn't sit near Bae for he knew JaeJoong would have it in for him after Bae left, and he knew he couldn't be near JaeJoong in case Bae felt something going on between him and the younger man. JaeJoong already walked around the damn apartment like he owned it, and he simply acted as though Bae was a guest in his home. Yunho was afraid, if he sat beside JaeJoong - it would reveal too much.
"Would you like some coffee, tea?" JaeJoong said walking to the direction of the kitchen. Bae Looked at him, her look full of wonder. Yunho looked at Bae nervously, trying to read her expression. It was a mixture of both surprise and disappointment. But nothing more than that, it were times like that Yunho felt happy he was an Analyst.
"No, its okay." She whispered and JaeJoong nodded returning back to his seat, "it seems as though you're very acquainted to Yun's apartment." Bae said looking around. For she had never been in Yunho's apartment, not once - and they were supposed to be friends, they were supposed to be a couple.
JaeJoong touched his bottom lip with his thumb and grinned, the fire in his eyes re-ignited. "Yeah, cause I've been here many times before."
"JaeJoong Shii." Yunho said seriously, Yunho didn't like how JaeJoong was acting, didn't like it one bit. There was a difference between the bad boy character he portrayed in interviews and the one he was acting out - the one he had been acting out was an asshole. Plain and simple.
"With my schedule." JaeJoong sighed, "I have no time to go to his office. Does that make sense to you? Plus, what would the media say if someone were to take a picture of me entering such a place. Wouldn't they assume something?"
JaeJoong finished with a smirk, one for Bae - and a harsher one for Yunho.
"You see Bae." JaeJoong said getting up, "if you saw a picture of me in a magazine, of me going into a such a building. Wouldn't you think - " Yunho watched as JaeJoong leveled with Bae, his eyes peering into her eyes. "-I was crazy."
And he leaned in kissing her neck.
"What the fuck was that Jae?" Yunho yelled at the younger man who sat in his couch, "what the fuck was that?!" Yunho fumed, his voice coming out in loud booms.The younger man didn't answer, but sat motionless - his expression perplexed and puzzled. Like a beast caught in a trap. But Yunho could see his lips moving, like he was murmuring to himself.
"Were you trying to seduce her?" Yunho yelled louder. Pacing around the room, glaring at the younger man who once again, became his lover - his shy Jaebaby. "Jae, is that how you treat all your fans?" Yunho asked helpless.
"She was a fan?" JaeJoong finally said, his voice as of a child. "I didn't know." he whispered. Then he began saying something almost inaudibly, Yunho could barely make out the words. But he could swear he heard, "she's perfect."
"Why Jae. Why would you treat her like that? How could you be so selfish!" Yunho struggled with himself, his hand itching to hit the younger man for the stunt he pulled was inexcusable.
"Me? selfish?" JaeJoong laughed, getting up. "I'm the selfish one? Aren't you the one that's fucking me while you have her on the side?" JaeJoong spat, pushing his finger into Yunho's chest.
"You know why Jae." Yunho said, his tone hard.
"No, No I don't know why! why are you keeping her Yunhoyah?" JaeJoong challenged, "why? Is it because she's beautiful? Because she's perfect?!"
JaeJoong buried his face in his hands, but left his mouth uncovered, "is it because she's innocent Yun? Because she's pure and untouched?"
"Jae what are you talking about?" Yunho whispered, opening his arms to hold his lover.
"No, don't touch me!" JaeJoong screamed, jerking backwards in a frenzy, "I'm dirty - it's because I'm dirty." He whispered to himself, his head hung low that Yunho couldn't see his face.
"Jaebaby, calm down." Yunho choked. He couldn't understand what his lover was talking about - couldn't comprehend. As he stared at his lover, he was terrified. He never saw JaeJoong act the way he did. Never saw JaeJoong so frantic, so angry - so unstable.
"You're just using me for sex." JaeJoong said, his voice high but strained, as if his vocal cords were not in his throat, but in his stomach instead. His voice lingering, as if it were coming from far away, "and you're keeping her to marry." He looked up at Yunho, his eyes full of realization, as if he was finally seeing him.
"Jae - what are you - " Yunho felt the pressure of tears behind his eyes, "Jae please, stop this. I'm sorry."
"End it now Yun." JaeJoong screamed, pounding his foot onto the ground in a childlike tantrum, "or else Yun." he threatened. Yunho watched JaeJoong's tear masked face, unblinking - he saw JaeJoong's eyes filled with desperate tears.
"You know I can't Jae-" Yunho whispered. He couldn't believe he said it - like it wasn't him, as if it were someone else who spoke those words that hurt his lover.
In one swift movement, JaeJoong punched the older man in the face, falling backwards onto the ground - he was too late to scream out to his lover - as his lover dashed out into a run, slamming the door behind him.
1 week passed and he hadn't heard a word from JaeJoong. He didn't answer his calls, and he didn't respond to Yunho's texts. Yunho thought it was okay, thought that JaeJoong needed time - and he would give it to him, for he knew JaeJoong would come back to him. Because they belonged together.
as so he thought.
One week after JaeJoong wrapped up his movie, he was spotted boarding a one way flight to Japan. Without a word - without a goodbye, JaeJoong ended their love affair.
//
Darling's, I'm back!
I'm a bit hyper right now, please don't judge :p
Anyways, you might be wondering about the Japanese trans - JaeJoong basically says "ah, she's pretty huh, Sensei", and Yunho now understands Japanese since Jae has been teaching him (I didn't bother to put in that info.) Also, fact is JaeJoong does not pay Yunho for his sessions, as if you would make your lover pay you!
Next, Bae did in fact run away after JaeJoong kissed her. Good girl right? or bad girl cause she ruined their beautiful morning *cringes-
Oh what am I going to do with my characters! *sighs-
Comments and hello's are epic epic epic ♥ !
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JaeJoong&Yunho
Romance, Drama, Smut
Summary: Yunho is a Psychoanalyst and JaeJoong's his patient.
Avoiding Mirrors;
Chapter 5
"What is it Jae? Yunho asked the younger man who sat in between his legs, his back rested snugly against the warmth of Yunho's chest. Yunho had his arms wrapped around the younger man's stomach, his fingers mindlessly making circles around his lover's belly button, his lips pressed to his lover's back as his eyes stole glances to his blond beast. In JaeJoong's hands held a newspaper in which he was too absorbed in that he was oblivious to Yunho's existence.
Yunho enjoyed their Sunday afternoon's together, laying idly on the couch, his lover in his arms reading the newspaper. JaeJoong was never busy on Sunday's, on week day morning's he would be on set for his upcoming movie which was on the wrap up, then in the afternoon he would be off to photo shoots or promotional events. On weekends he would be in the studio recording his new new single, then from there he would guest in radio shows or interviews. Sundays were his only day off. Whenever he got off of work early he would find a way to sneak into Yunho's apartment. The office was barely an option anymore. It simply amazed Yunho how the younger man could handle his work load and still find time and energy to be with him. Was he Superman?
"You're the air that I breathe Yunhoyah. You keep me going, even when I want to stop.
I love you."
JaeJoong would always tell him that, repeated it endlessly. Yunho had yet to say those words - but JaeJoong never looked at him as though expecting it. Never once did he look disappointed when Yunho didn't respond. That was something Yunho didn't understand the most.
Yunho glanced at the article, but dared not read it for he knew JaeJoong would summarize it for him after anyways. In the beginning, Yunho used to try to catch up with JaeJoong - but JaeJoong was a skimmer. Where as Yunho liked to analyze things and take time reading things slowly, JaeJoong liked to speed read. Yunho realized not too long ago that it was a force of habit. An automatic trigger that set JaeJoong off, for he unconsciously timed himself up to do everything fast.
Ever since JaeJoong was pushed into the limelight, he was scheduled and timed precisely, never having the piece of mind that slow was good. Old habits don't die easy, and since JaeJoong was basically trained to do things fast, he developed a mentality that he was always running out of time. Yunho slowly had been trying to slow JaeJoong down a bit, and slowly - JaeJoong was getting used to 'slow'. But speed reading was something JaeJoong would not give up.
JaeJoong loved facts and current events, half the things they talked about was about what JaeJoong had read from the newspaper or seen on the news. JaeJoong had told him history was his favorite subject when he was a kid, even confessing he fell in love with his female history teacher, and considered the fact that maybe if he had waited they might have possibly hit it off.
Yunho didn't know everything about JaeJoong, as much as he wanted to know him to his very core, he wouldn't force it. He was after all still his Analyst, if he could even call himself that. He had to deal with JaeJoong the way he knew how, and that was with patience. Yunho didn't know anything about JaeJoong's family, nor did JaeJoong speak of them. It was as if he were passing them off as a bad dream that he was struggling to forget. He couldn't force it, he would wait - for as long as it took until JaeJoong could tell him what was eating him up. What was it that had him in such a state.
JaeJoong, however, knew just about everything about Yunho, from his overbearing and never content father, quiet mother, and his sibling's - from his past friends to why he was still with Bae. There wasn't a thing Yunho didn't tell JaeJoong, for he was not an interesting man. He lived a regular childhood, maybe a little too bright for his own good - and always top of his class. It wasn't as if his father beat him, but he did go home to a father that pushed him farther and harder into maddening superiority. Whatever he did, he had to be the best - no matter who he stepped on, he had to be the best - and because of that, he was always alone.
But now, Yunho finally had a taste of love, had a taste of waking up in someone's arms - the warmth, his racing heart, the feeling of being at one with another person - he felt alive. Now that he had it, he knew he couldn't do without it, couldn't live without it - without him.
The only thing he hadn't told JaeJoong was what he longed to tell him the most - that was that he loved him - and that he was his first time. JaeJoong never asked anyways, possibly because he didn't want to know for he was too easily jealous or because he knew Yunho was a virgin.
JaeJoong read Yunho like an open book, always being able to read his mind, or finish off his sentences. He knew JaeJoong could feel him from the first time they laid eyes on each other - as if he was seeping into his mind, analyzing his dirty secrets, milking out his insecurities. Sometimes he wondered who the Analyst was, him or JaeJoong. But in a room with only them - his lover and him together. It scarcely mattered who was analyzing who.
Yunho on the other hand knew JaeJoong had not been a virgin. JaeJoong never talked about it, but Yunho knew - he could feel it. Feel it with the way JaeJoong led him in the first couple times they made love and he knew that he had done it with men before - how else would he pick up such techniques that drove Yunho to the edge.
"Jae?" Yunho said again, resting his chin in the crook of JaeJoong's neck, stealing yet another glance at his preoccupied lover. A troubled expression clouded the younger man's face, his eyes beetled together as if pained by what he was reading, his lips slightly parted as small wheezing sounds escaped his mouth. Yunho watched as the younger man clutched the newspaper, his eyes frantically scanning every sentence of the article. Yunho looked at the headline;
'Another Model Commits Suicide.'
"Those sons of bitches." JaeJoong said under his breath. His voice soft but hard - a contradiction. Yunho frowned, staring at his lover with worried eyes as the younger man clutched the newspaper tighter. Yunho could feel JaeJoong's body tense up in his arms, he was trembling - Yunho was quick to react, he hugged the younger man tighter, turning his head to the side - he pressed his ear to JaeJoong's back, listening to his heart beat.
Thump-thump-thump-thump
His heart beat raced.
"The fuck is this?" JaeJoong screamed throwing the paper to the ground.
"Jaebaby?" Yunho said through his quivering voice. He knew what was coming, he needed to prepare himself.
Almost suddenly, JaeJoong threw his head back, the back of his head meeting Yunho's shoulders, his teeth gnashed in a painful grimace and his eyes wide with fright and despair. Yunho could feel the spasms that surged through his lovers body, sending his lover into a state of uncontrollable convulsions.
"It's okay baby. It's okay!" Yunho could feel his stomach churn in fear - fear coating the insides of his chest and lighting a fire in his stomach. He quickly bit his tongue and swallowed as he hugged his lover tighter. Holding his lover in panic, holding him as if his life was on the line
Don't panic, don't fucking panic - or else you'll scare JaeJoong even more.
JaeJoong moved his jaw up and down as if struggling to speak. But no words formed, just whimpers and strangled cries, his face a mask of tears and sweat as his eyes darted from side to side as if searching for something to help ease his pain.
"It can't kill you Jae. It can't kill you!" Yunho said into his lover's ear as his strong arms tried to keep his grip on his shaking lover, "It can't kill you Jae. I won't let it." Yunho cried, rubbing his lover's chest.
Try to breath Jae, try to breath. Relax, please. Relax!
JaeJoong suffered from panic attacks since the tender age of 13. Yunho's first experience with JaeJoong's panic attacks left him devastated to the point he couldn't sleep without seeing his lover on the floor shaking violently, his head moving up and down as if he had been possessed. It rendered Yunho immobile.
It had not been the first time he had to deal with a patient that suffered with panic attacks, and he would handle it as a professional, no emotions. One of his former patients, Park Yoochun had the worst panic attacks Yunho had ever encountered, and he did not even bat an eye. Of course he felt bad for his patients - but he did what he had to do.
JaeJoong's panic attack was the first time he panicked, not knowing what to do - he ended up crying as he held JaeJoong's hand, begging for JaeJoong to breath.
His last panic attack had been 5 months ago.
JaeJoong's black eyes shifted back and forth, his eyes blazed with desperation. Yunho was already in tears, this is bad - this one's bad he thought to himself as he cried into his lover's ear. With one last strangled cry, JaeJoong gasped for air - terrified, his chest heaving like something was trying to get out.
"Yun." JaeJoong choked as his shaking grounded to a complete stop, JaeJoong eased into Yunho's death grip, his whole body limp as all energy was drained from his body. "Yun," JaeJoong cried again, this time he sobbed; clinging onto Yunho's arm like a child. His eyes closed shut as he cried agonized chest-wrenching cries.
I know Jae.
I know it hurts. What can I do for you, how can I help you? What can I do or say to free those thoughts
you've imprisoned inside your head - those unspoken thoughts you're too ashamed to say - even to me.
"Jae." Yunho cried harder, folding his body around his lover like a protective blanket, kissing his lovers temple as his eyes strayed to the newspaper.
''Another Model Commits Suicide'
Dirty price of fame, list of men has been found. In a suicide letter, Model Min Go Shin admitted she was forced into sex with -
"It's okay now Jae. It's over now." He cried, kissing his lover's head repeatedly as they both cried in their own secret pain.
"Jaebaby." Yunho whispered, blinking the sleep from his eyes. He turned to the digital clock on his dresser, "nine am?" he whispered to himself. He turned to his lover who slept undisturbed beside him. "Jae," he said again, kissing his lover's cheek. His unblemished beauty slept like a log, his hair in disarray, as it lapped over like waves - his breaths coming in light huffs suggesting good sleep.
The younger man intuitively moved his head towards Yunho, nuzzling his face into Yunho's neck, his hand coming up from the sheets to hug around Yunho's stomach. Yunho laughed, pushing JaeJoong's shoulders so he lay flat as he rolled on top of him. He kissed the younger man's slightly opened mouth. "Wake up," he whispered, his kisses becoming more demanding.
"Mmm, noo." The younger man whimpered throwing his head to the side to avoid Yunho's kisses - then slowly finding sleep again.
"Jae!" Yunho said teasingly, as he inched down his lover's naked body. Kissing him delicately before he reached his lovers cock. In one go, Yunho took his lovers cock in his mouth sucking him off, the taste of cum still present from their love making the night before.
Yunho choked, alarmed at the sound of knocking at his door.
"Yun!" JaeJoong jolted up, his breath ragged, his cheeks tinted pink.
"Good! You're up." Yunho said, getting up off the bed, "someone's here, hurry dress up!" Yunho instructed, putting on a shirt and fresh boxers, aware his lover was giving him a stare down.
"Yunhoyah, you fucking bastard!" JaeJoong muttered, getting up - hands on hips. "You started it, now take responsibility."
Yunho looked at JaeJoong and realized what he had done. Across from him on the other side of the bed stood his blond beast, his arms crossed and his cock painfully erect. Yunho laughed and walked towards his lover - pulling him into a soft kiss.
"Don't be mad Jae." He whispered into JaeJoong's ear before getting on his knees and kissing the tip of his lovers cock, "forgive me-" he said taking in the head and sucking at it furiously. He looked up seeing his lover's eyes closed tight as he gasped out, his eye lashes fluttering
So beautiful, so truly beautiful.
Yunho smiled, getting up, he kissed his lover's cheek. "I'm sorry!" Yunho laughed, dashing out of the room into the washroom. JaeJoong always brought out Yunho's childishness, one way or another. It was almost comical, seeing a grown man of 26 smirking to himself as he ran to the washroom to hide from his angered lover.
"Yun!" Yunho could hear JaeJoong yell. "Get dressed fast!" Yunho responded before his, "I'll be right there!" to the person outside the door.
in 30 seconds both were dressed, in 1 minute both had speed brushed their teeth and washed their faces, in 2 minutes both styled their hair - JaeJoong taking a bit longer to get his mohawk just right, in 3 minutes JaeJoong was on the couch, his legs crossed to hide his provoked arousal and Yunho at the door welcoming his unexpected guest.
"Bae." Yunho said quizzically as the beauty entered, "what are you-"
"I'm sorry, I know it's early in the morning." Bae replied shyly, her eyes bright as she looked Yunho square in the face. Yunho couldn't help but feel flushed when he saw her in a good mood. For she extracted a light atmosphere for Yunho, but at the same time - she complicated everything.
"No, I'm sorry. I actually have a patient over. This was the only time he could be scheduled." Yunho tried to make up a perfectly reasonable excuse for having a patient over so early in the morning without generating any kind of suspicion.
"Oh!" Bae said surprised, her lips pressed together in curiosity.
"Sensei. I don't have all day." A dull voice came from the living room. Yunho frowned to himself, not sure what JaeJoong was up to.
"Is that?" Bae asked, her eyes wide, "Kim JaeJoong?"
"How did you know?" Yunho asked in wonderment, he knew he never mentioned JaeJoong was his patient to Bae.
"Who wouldn't know Yun Oppa! His voice in like no other." Bae jumped up, almost childlike. Yunho couldn't help but smile at the eager Bae who looked star struck.
Bae looked up at him sadly, "Oppa, do you want me to leave?"
"I'm sorry Bae - it's work. You know how it is- " Yunho reasoned. He really didn't want JaeJoong and Bae to meet, he knew only bad could come of it.
"Sensei." JaeJoong's dulled voice came up again. Yunho jerked back, finding JaeJoong walking towards them, hands jammed in his pockets.
Jae, what are you doing, I'm already getting rid of her - go back!
"Sensei, is this your girlfriend?" JaeJoong asked, his face showed no trace of wonder - for his face was expressionless, suggesting boredom - but his eyes, Yunho saw fire, dancing in a pool of black. He scanned Bae from head to toe, Yunho saw that his lover was was sizing her up very carefully.
Painful silence surrounded JaeJoong when he looked at Bae, as if becoming unbearable to look at her he closed his eyes. Yunho could feel it, behind his strong front - behind his wall of strength lingered uneasiness and instability. He was threatened.
"Hontoni kire ne Sensei." JaeJoong said, his voice becoming faint, monotonous. But his look mocked Yunho, as if Yunho had lied to him and he wanted to punish him for doing so.
Yunho looked at him, taken aback. But Bae looked unfazed, oblivious to JaeJoong's death glares. Bae didn't understand Japanese, and Yunho was glad JaeJoong had been using Japanese to converse with him - but something felt off. The way JaeJoong was talking. Even though being around other people brought back his bad boy character, the JaeJoong Yunho and Bae were with seemed harsher.
"JaeJoong shii, should we end our session now?" Yunho glared at him threateningly.
JaeJoong looked at him, frozen in place as if seriously contemplating the complexity of the question. Then suddenly his eyes lit up strangely, and he smiled - a lopsided, somewhat devilish smirk. His smirk revealed a faint glow of satisfaction - he could feel Yunho, and Yunho knew it, he was seeping into his mind again - Yunho was nervous.
"No, its fine Sensei. We'll continue and she can join us. Don't worry Sensei, you'll still receive payment since I'm still in your presence." JaeJoong winked, then reverted his gaze back to Bae who stared at him in awe and fascination.
JaeJoong on the other hand stared her down, as if desperate to find fault in the beauty - a flaw, any kind of flaw - within seconds he nodded as if concluding his thoughts.
"My name is Kim JaeJoong, nice to meet you." He regarded her emotionlessly.
"Hello JaeJoong shii, my name is Ba-" Bae trailed off, a pang of disappointment filling her chest.
JaeJoong had cut her off by heading off into the living room, "follow me, will you." He said lazily, without looking back.
Don't be an asshole Jae ...
Bae looked flustered, not knowing what to do with herself, she looked at her hands.
"Maybe I should go." She smiled meekly.
"Bae, don't. You know how celebrities are." Yunho said trying to salvage the situation. He knew he should have agreed she leave, knew that if she were to stay he would be digging his own grave. But Bae was his friend, Bae didn't deserve JaeJoong's treatment and didn't deserve Yunho cheating on he either.
Nervously Bae looked up at Yunho, and was met with an encouraging smile. Yunho took her hand and led her to the living room.
"Wow, and I thought you guys left me to fuck." JaeJoong mocked, "sit." He motioned to the single couch chair as he eased comfortably on the main couch.
Yunho stared at the younger man, his lover becoming detached - his lover reverting back to his bad boy character - his lover finding solace in his character's hostility. It was if Yunho was looking at the kid he saw 7 months ago, that day JaeJoong came for his first session.
The younger man's eyes strayed, finding Yunho holding Bae's hand. His eyes snapping up to meet Yunho's stare.
Yunho heard JaeJoong's voice in his head, loud and clear. "Drop her hand Yun. Drop it now." Slowly, Yunho did as instructed and nodded for Bae to sit. Bae obeyed, sitting where directed.
Yunho didn't know what to do, what to say. He couldn't sit near Bae for he knew JaeJoong would have it in for him after Bae left, and he knew he couldn't be near JaeJoong in case Bae felt something going on between him and the younger man. JaeJoong already walked around the damn apartment like he owned it, and he simply acted as though Bae was a guest in his home. Yunho was afraid, if he sat beside JaeJoong - it would reveal too much.
"Would you like some coffee, tea?" JaeJoong said walking to the direction of the kitchen. Bae Looked at him, her look full of wonder. Yunho looked at Bae nervously, trying to read her expression. It was a mixture of both surprise and disappointment. But nothing more than that, it were times like that Yunho felt happy he was an Analyst.
"No, its okay." She whispered and JaeJoong nodded returning back to his seat, "it seems as though you're very acquainted to Yun's apartment." Bae said looking around. For she had never been in Yunho's apartment, not once - and they were supposed to be friends, they were supposed to be a couple.
JaeJoong touched his bottom lip with his thumb and grinned, the fire in his eyes re-ignited. "Yeah, cause I've been here many times before."
"JaeJoong Shii." Yunho said seriously, Yunho didn't like how JaeJoong was acting, didn't like it one bit. There was a difference between the bad boy character he portrayed in interviews and the one he was acting out - the one he had been acting out was an asshole. Plain and simple.
"With my schedule." JaeJoong sighed, "I have no time to go to his office. Does that make sense to you? Plus, what would the media say if someone were to take a picture of me entering such a place. Wouldn't they assume something?"
JaeJoong finished with a smirk, one for Bae - and a harsher one for Yunho.
"You see Bae." JaeJoong said getting up, "if you saw a picture of me in a magazine, of me going into a such a building. Wouldn't you think - " Yunho watched as JaeJoong leveled with Bae, his eyes peering into her eyes. "-I was crazy."
And he leaned in kissing her neck.
"What the fuck was that Jae?" Yunho yelled at the younger man who sat in his couch, "what the fuck was that?!" Yunho fumed, his voice coming out in loud booms.The younger man didn't answer, but sat motionless - his expression perplexed and puzzled. Like a beast caught in a trap. But Yunho could see his lips moving, like he was murmuring to himself.
"Were you trying to seduce her?" Yunho yelled louder. Pacing around the room, glaring at the younger man who once again, became his lover - his shy Jaebaby. "Jae, is that how you treat all your fans?" Yunho asked helpless.
"She was a fan?" JaeJoong finally said, his voice as of a child. "I didn't know." he whispered. Then he began saying something almost inaudibly, Yunho could barely make out the words. But he could swear he heard, "she's perfect."
"Why Jae. Why would you treat her like that? How could you be so selfish!" Yunho struggled with himself, his hand itching to hit the younger man for the stunt he pulled was inexcusable.
"Me? selfish?" JaeJoong laughed, getting up. "I'm the selfish one? Aren't you the one that's fucking me while you have her on the side?" JaeJoong spat, pushing his finger into Yunho's chest.
"You know why Jae." Yunho said, his tone hard.
"No, No I don't know why! why are you keeping her Yunhoyah?" JaeJoong challenged, "why? Is it because she's beautiful? Because she's perfect?!"
JaeJoong buried his face in his hands, but left his mouth uncovered, "is it because she's innocent Yun? Because she's pure and untouched?"
"Jae what are you talking about?" Yunho whispered, opening his arms to hold his lover.
"No, don't touch me!" JaeJoong screamed, jerking backwards in a frenzy, "I'm dirty - it's because I'm dirty." He whispered to himself, his head hung low that Yunho couldn't see his face.
"Jaebaby, calm down." Yunho choked. He couldn't understand what his lover was talking about - couldn't comprehend. As he stared at his lover, he was terrified. He never saw JaeJoong act the way he did. Never saw JaeJoong so frantic, so angry - so unstable.
"You're just using me for sex." JaeJoong said, his voice high but strained, as if his vocal cords were not in his throat, but in his stomach instead. His voice lingering, as if it were coming from far away, "and you're keeping her to marry." He looked up at Yunho, his eyes full of realization, as if he was finally seeing him.
"Jae - what are you - " Yunho felt the pressure of tears behind his eyes, "Jae please, stop this. I'm sorry."
"End it now Yun." JaeJoong screamed, pounding his foot onto the ground in a childlike tantrum, "or else Yun." he threatened. Yunho watched JaeJoong's tear masked face, unblinking - he saw JaeJoong's eyes filled with desperate tears.
"You know I can't Jae-" Yunho whispered. He couldn't believe he said it - like it wasn't him, as if it were someone else who spoke those words that hurt his lover.
In one swift movement, JaeJoong punched the older man in the face, falling backwards onto the ground - he was too late to scream out to his lover - as his lover dashed out into a run, slamming the door behind him.
1 week passed and he hadn't heard a word from JaeJoong. He didn't answer his calls, and he didn't respond to Yunho's texts. Yunho thought it was okay, thought that JaeJoong needed time - and he would give it to him, for he knew JaeJoong would come back to him. Because they belonged together.
as so he thought.
One week after JaeJoong wrapped up his movie, he was spotted boarding a one way flight to Japan. Without a word - without a goodbye, JaeJoong ended their love affair.
//
Darling's, I'm back!
I'm a bit hyper right now, please don't judge :p
Anyways, you might be wondering about the Japanese trans - JaeJoong basically says "ah, she's pretty huh, Sensei", and Yunho now understands Japanese since Jae has been teaching him (I didn't bother to put in that info.) Also, fact is JaeJoong does not pay Yunho for his sessions, as if you would make your lover pay you!
Next, Bae did in fact run away after JaeJoong kissed her. Good girl right? or bad girl cause she ruined their beautiful morning *cringes-
Oh what am I going to do with my characters! *sighs-
Comments and hello's are epic epic epic ♥ !
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