(no subject)
0o+@yyy,
You were a really good friend. you were so kind, sweet, caring, funny, incredible, and so much more. I just can't describe what you are. You're...awesomely cool and fabulous. If only you could of come visit ALL of us. I just want one more conversation, one more laugh with you, one more hug, one more picture. everything. I noticed that a lot of people that you didn't even know or didn't know you, they were crying. They saw OUR pain for you, and started to cry. You see? You gave this really big affect on everyone. Even strangers. And, ever since you moved to vegas, I know you were sad, depressed, frustrated, angry, mad, confused. You thought that people thought you were "invisible" or didn't care about you anymore. Or just completely forgot about you. And now, because you have passed away, you can see that A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE care about you and love you sooo much. If you died because you were sick, or like, you wouldn't wake up from your sleep, then that's understandable. We would have pain and misery, of course, but not as much as right now. the way you died...its not the understandable kind of death. It brings so much pain. The biggest hole in our hearts. A car accident. That's not a way that an innocent 14 year old should die. And yet, YOU did. your sweet soul. Beautiful eyes. Lovely face. Cute smile. Happy laugh. i don't believe that it was your time yet. You were too young. This wasn't even suppose to happen. You even said in your lj post "but with noone i know here- oh myyy hearttt- its hell. argh. when i come back to culver - ill kick them all with mey kickass combat boots [ ♥ ] . heheh. blah." you had an aching heart. you were devastated to come back to culver city. you wanted to see everyone and their smiles, faces, laugh, gossip, hang out and stuff. this place made you happy. one step on culver city grounds, and you felt like the happiest person alive. and i believe you were. you always had a smile on your face, and when someone was sad, you tried your best to make them feel better. you'd crack up a joke just to give them a little laugh or smile. thats whats so great about you. you cared so much for everyone. and in return. everyone cared so much for you. you kept saying things like "oh, people already forgot about me. and people barely talk to me online. I think i wanna delete my buddylist. i can't stand seeing so many sn's, but i don't talk to any one of them." but thats not true. a lot of people talked to you. they showed that they still cared, even if your were miles away. and you also said this whole thing that just made me[and maybe other people] sad...
"yeah. okay. i just dont get it because when im in l.a. its like everythings cool again and RIGHT when i come in the house- i get so fucking pissed at EVRYTHING. everything here just IRRITATES the shit out of me. and like at the retreat i see these people who've probably gone through alot of things and god helped them- but i do that because i dont know why- i just dont get the rushy feeling that i think alot of people get and i dont know why. and when im here- everything and everyone from everywhere ignores me. especially l.a. people. its like when im not there i DONT EXIST. and that scares the crap out of me. bad things happen to me here. its like i cant be happy here. when i was in culver- i could sleep and not think about things. here i'd just think alot and then cry myself to sleep. then wake up and remember things again and i get depressed the whole day. that sucks. and i have no motivation to do anything. nothing. everythings so lonely here and i have to deal everything all by myself. wtf is up with that?
agh. fucking frustrating"
you DO/DID exist. that shithole vegas was just sucking up all your good, positive energy, making you sad and stuff. i can understand why you were lonely, but you should of never thought that anyone forgot about you. cuz they didnt. i promise and swear. and i was one of them. everything green reminded me of you. remember KIX?!?! once you ate two cups of kix, you went into "hypermode!!!" god octavia, you have no idea how much i loved you. i know we weren't close friends. But, i knew that we could be there for each other. And I'm glad that i went to vegas that one time over summer. That was the last time i saw you. I know we were "lonesome" people. It was cuz I was tired. I'm so sorry if i made you more bored or whatever. But i knew you and i were happy that we at least had one another. :) I remember, right before i left, i gave you one last good hug. and i was really happy i saw you. but sad to leave...and i remember you gave me a hug back and said "bye kristull :) see you soon" but i never did...still, i'm glad that i'm one of the last people that saw you before you slipped away. I believe that in sudden death...spirits still roam around. And i believe that your spirit is still here on earth, floating around, watching every move we make, every step we take, and every breath we breathe. You're our guardian angel. The most beautifulest one, yet :') you have taught us a lesson. life is short. don't take ANYTHING for granted. make the best of what you have and what you live for. think of those who live among you. love people more. and before you think of kiling yourself, think of the people around you. people who care. how would you think you'd make them feel if you died? you have taught me a great lesson, octavia. thank you for that. i love you soo much. i may not have said it to you a lot when you were still alive, but i did love you. and i hope that wherever you are, and wherever you roam, you'll be safe and rest in peace.
take care. :) <333
-YOUR kristull :') KIX!