Sew this up with threads of Reason and Regret so i will not Forget
i just had to get this off of my chest. sorry.I was reading through some old papers tonight and through old journals. I found this again, and I really wish I hadn’t. It was written by my step-father’s grandmother almost 3 years ago to my brother and I during the divorce. I think I just died again:
Dear guys,
There’s a line from an old song-“Oh well, it was good while it lasted.” I kinda feel the same way. It was fun knowing both of you. I don’t suppose we’ll be see much of each other any more-you may even be required to blend into yet another family-not a bad deal, since you two are so likeable!
I would like to have occasional news from you-graduation, sports awards won, academic awards ditto, etc.
I missed your birthdays this year. I didn’t mean to.
I know you’ll both do great in life.
Love,
Grandma Clark
It hurts a lot to know that’s all you are to people, someone who is just there along for the ride and expected to blend into any new family that we come across. Like I’m not really a person, and just an unfortunate piece of baggage that is tossed from one shelf to another. I don’t know why I’m hanging on to that letter, but I can’t bring myself to throw it out. I can’t believe her audacity, her apathy…yet she is right. My brother and I do blend in nicely to anything, I mean we are only human. We don’t have feelings. We are accounts transferable. We are putty in anyone’s hands. We are Human.
Kyle has done so much doing “great in life”. Excessive absences, failing grades, threatened to be transferred to the alternative high school, not welcome anywhere he sets foot. He doesn’t impress people and is a thief, a liar, an ignorant and rude smart ass. But he is still my brother, and no matter how much I can’t stand for his character, he is still my brother. I feel sorry for him, but I will never show it. He’s crossed me too many times. He is degrading and too rooted into the life of Sault Ste. Marie. I don’t wish for him to fail. But he will. He has no vision, no Hope, and no Ambition. He will fall. This is faulty parenting, misguided morals, and apathy from those who were supposed to be there for us when we needed it the most. Our dad is irresponsible and uncaring. He is currently living in Canada in the basement of his girlfriend’s parents’ house. I haven’t heard his voice since he called me on my birthday and didn’t realize it was: “I’m going to need your birthday, Matt, so that I can get dual citizenship.”
“It’s today, dad.”
“What?”
“It’s today.”
“Oh, well happy birthday. So your birthday is the 9th then?”
Just another pick at the Scab. That’s all. I’ll get over it. It doesn’t matter, right?
I was able to find some kind of backwards self-reliance, and I became an adult child at the age of 9. Today I am 45 years old, having completely skipped my adolescence, which lasted about a summer, and spearheaded into adulthood. What’s done is done. My brother is too far gone to save. It tears me apart that my mom and dad don’t care…they just don’t care and are too self-absorbed in their own lives. They are children with a new reign on life; one that does not involve children. I hope my father doesn’t call me again. I don’t think I could take any more. I’m angry and upset that it has to be like this, but I don’t want to play anymore.
I know that one day I will eventually get over this, but I can’t fathom that right now. I’m too busy being bitter about what they have not given us: love, home, and security. I’m angry that my brother has no guidance and that he will be in prison by the time he is 20. I’m sad that they deny all of this and that they attest that they love us. They don’t, and I’ve accepted that. Love is more than a convenient parent relationship of discipline when one is in a bad mood and then leaving the child to fend for himself. Love is there for all the times in between. Love is guidance and understanding. Love is not Abandonment. Love is not Here today, nor will it ever be I fear…
“Welcome to the Fallout, welcome to resistance, the Tension is here between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be….I dare you to Move like Today never happened…Maybe Redemption has stories to tell, maybe Forgiveness is right where you fell, where can you run to escape from Yourself? Where ya gonna go? Salvation is Here.”
I don't want to be home anymore. It's not home. It's just a house with my stuff. it's empty besides.
I didn’t intend to go on like this, but I don’t want to erase this again. Sorry.
Dear guys,
There’s a line from an old song-“Oh well, it was good while it lasted.” I kinda feel the same way. It was fun knowing both of you. I don’t suppose we’ll be see much of each other any more-you may even be required to blend into yet another family-not a bad deal, since you two are so likeable!
I would like to have occasional news from you-graduation, sports awards won, academic awards ditto, etc.
I missed your birthdays this year. I didn’t mean to.
I know you’ll both do great in life.
Love,
Grandma Clark
It hurts a lot to know that’s all you are to people, someone who is just there along for the ride and expected to blend into any new family that we come across. Like I’m not really a person, and just an unfortunate piece of baggage that is tossed from one shelf to another. I don’t know why I’m hanging on to that letter, but I can’t bring myself to throw it out. I can’t believe her audacity, her apathy…yet she is right. My brother and I do blend in nicely to anything, I mean we are only human. We don’t have feelings. We are accounts transferable. We are putty in anyone’s hands. We are Human.
Kyle has done so much doing “great in life”. Excessive absences, failing grades, threatened to be transferred to the alternative high school, not welcome anywhere he sets foot. He doesn’t impress people and is a thief, a liar, an ignorant and rude smart ass. But he is still my brother, and no matter how much I can’t stand for his character, he is still my brother. I feel sorry for him, but I will never show it. He’s crossed me too many times. He is degrading and too rooted into the life of Sault Ste. Marie. I don’t wish for him to fail. But he will. He has no vision, no Hope, and no Ambition. He will fall. This is faulty parenting, misguided morals, and apathy from those who were supposed to be there for us when we needed it the most. Our dad is irresponsible and uncaring. He is currently living in Canada in the basement of his girlfriend’s parents’ house. I haven’t heard his voice since he called me on my birthday and didn’t realize it was: “I’m going to need your birthday, Matt, so that I can get dual citizenship.”
“It’s today, dad.”
“What?”
“It’s today.”
“Oh, well happy birthday. So your birthday is the 9th then?”
Just another pick at the Scab. That’s all. I’ll get over it. It doesn’t matter, right?
I was able to find some kind of backwards self-reliance, and I became an adult child at the age of 9. Today I am 45 years old, having completely skipped my adolescence, which lasted about a summer, and spearheaded into adulthood. What’s done is done. My brother is too far gone to save. It tears me apart that my mom and dad don’t care…they just don’t care and are too self-absorbed in their own lives. They are children with a new reign on life; one that does not involve children. I hope my father doesn’t call me again. I don’t think I could take any more. I’m angry and upset that it has to be like this, but I don’t want to play anymore.
I know that one day I will eventually get over this, but I can’t fathom that right now. I’m too busy being bitter about what they have not given us: love, home, and security. I’m angry that my brother has no guidance and that he will be in prison by the time he is 20. I’m sad that they deny all of this and that they attest that they love us. They don’t, and I’ve accepted that. Love is more than a convenient parent relationship of discipline when one is in a bad mood and then leaving the child to fend for himself. Love is there for all the times in between. Love is guidance and understanding. Love is not Abandonment. Love is not Here today, nor will it ever be I fear…
“Welcome to the Fallout, welcome to resistance, the Tension is here between who you are and who you could be, between how it is and how it should be….I dare you to Move like Today never happened…Maybe Redemption has stories to tell, maybe Forgiveness is right where you fell, where can you run to escape from Yourself? Where ya gonna go? Salvation is Here.”
I don't want to be home anymore. It's not home. It's just a house with my stuff. it's empty besides.
I didn’t intend to go on like this, but I don’t want to erase this again. Sorry.