How to anthropomorphize your immune system.
So I kind of feel like updating. Not because I have a lack of things to do, oh no. Simply because I don't do it much anymore, and sometimes it's just good to get your thoughts out. It's kind of a pity I haven't been updating much this year. Certainly there are more opportunities here for exciting and memorable events than there were back at home, with the same daily schedule. Not that chronicle-ing your life doesn't get annoying either.. but sometimes its nice to look back on things and still remember them. I feel like this largely undocumented college year will mostly just slip from my memory. And journaling on a daily basis kind of helps to appreciate things that happen, too. Gives your days a bit of structure.
About these thoughts. They're never revolutionary. To me, new things learned are often little epiphanies. I may come to learn about and understand something in a way I haven't before, and that to me is exciting and intriguing. But you can't really convey that kind of emotion, especially if people don't really know where you're coming from. So to you what follows may seem boring stuff. But I think I've really learned to appreciate thinking.
Yesterday instead of going to normal Mather for lunch, I went upstairs for this interfaith council discussion luncheon. The topic this time was about symbols and icons in religion and whether they help or hinder religious experience. It was pretty interesting to get the perspective of Jews and Muslims on things (though there were only about 13 of us there total)- what religious studies I've been engaged in so far have related mainly to the Christian tradition. Anyway, a lot of interesting ideas were brought up, and it was nice to see the commonalities despite our different backgrounds. It was also nice to eat real food- visible chunks of chicken in the soup, tortellini with roasted tomatoes and pesto, fresh bread, brownies.. Mm. Funny how Chartwells steps up the wuality of food whenever its catered outside the dining hall.
I realize I've actually learned a lot this year. I find whenever I go home, I talk to my parents about things I've discovered. I actually think about things, make associations, apply them to real life.. I've become engaged in what I'm learning about. In high school, academics were so disjointed. Math, science, history were all radically separate subjects, all just requirements to get you through school. Here, it seems (and it might be just the humanities-ish courses I'm taking) everything seems to kind of fit together.. even if the common denominator is as simple as human experience, or knowledge. I've never before really been able to appreciate knowledge for its own sake, and its really nice to be able to enjoy it that way.. to be able to learn things and apply them to your understanding of life, of the world.
I think I've really come to enjoy intellectual discussions, whether in class or outside of them. Funny, though.. your image of that is probably me confidently stating my opinion about something, or gesticulating to get some point accross.. or else some snobby people all waiting to get their own word in. No, no.. you see, I just sit there. I sit and listen, and barely ever say anything. I often wonder why that is. To a large extent, I feel like I just don't have much to say. Though I may be attentive to the dialogue, actively following it and responding to it in my head, any conclusions I come to are always basic. I'll be thinking, and when I think I come up with something interesting its only to find tthe discussion being driven towards some further, deeper, more complicated idea and mine are just elementary- simple byproducts of my mental processes in trying to understand. Should I be coming to deep, complicated associations or conclusions? I don't think I'm not capable of it. Mostly, I think it's that I just don't have experience. Sometimes I lack experience in the subject matter.. everything I'm hearing is new to me, so my reactions are "oh!" and "hMmm!".. which doesn't leave room for thinking of my own. Besides subject matter, maybe I lack experience in THINKING.. in actively drawing conclusions, making associations, taking risks in analyzing things. When did we ever really have to do THAT in high school? Not extensively, at least. It's times like these I appreciate Mrs. Kiefer's class.
So here on one hand I have this admiration of learned people, of intellectual discussion, of the constructive sharing of ideas. But on the other, I dislike phonies, people who act like they know what they're talking about, and dress up their language and stuff. In speaking up, I probably risk being simplistic and wrong, or phony and wrong.. so I just don't say anything. I guess that's stupid.. as long as I'm prepared, I can surely participate in class SOMEHOW, without even having to perform extensive analysis of anything. But honestly.. I DON'T know things, and though I'd like to, there's still so much left for me to achieve. I feel like listening just might be a better choice for now until I kind of adapt that way of thinking and communicating my thoughts. Though could that make me seem stupid, too?
How would that make me seem.. Everyone says, "who cares what everyone else thinks?" "Be yourself." It's true, is it not? Kind of tough, though, when you don't really know who you are. When you don't trust yourself enough to judge, and look to others to tell you. So many of my actions are based on "what will people think" that I think it might actually be a problem. I mean, I think it's girls' nature to be really critical. A boy might tell you you look great, but you know your best girlfriend will tell you if your butt looks too big- it's kind of the way we are. And I know I, too, am critical of other people. I constantly notice things about others, and naturally, make a judgement or opinion when necessary. But you tell yourself, people don't REALLY notice, or care, do they? But then one time you're outside on the quad on a beautiful day, playing with your friend and her little brother and sister, trying to fly a kite, and you hear some girl say, "hahaha, oh my gawwd, if I ever saw you running with a kite, I'd never talk to you again." I mean, who DOESN'T love publically making a fool of themselves, right?
That's so hard. It's such a basic, basic thing, and we all experience it but it's not so easy to get over. Maybe I'm just sensitive. It killed me though.. I'm playing with little kids.. outside.. in the sun. It seemed like the purest kind of fun, the most natural kind of high.. and yet to these girls -whose idea of fun is no doubt baking in the sun, talking on their cellphones, and getting drunk and skanky on the weekends- it was positively embarassing. What a twisted standard!
Today coming back from lunch, I saw two of my friends walking out of my dorm. I yelled to them happily, "Hey! Happy DaAy! happy SUNNY day! (noticing the weather.) Happy sunny day to youu!" Wacky, a bit, yes. But somehow, liberating. When you spend so much of your time being self-conscious, trying not to upset society's (aka everybody-else's) idea of "okay" and escape their judgement, I think it's natural to just have to let loose every now and then. I might blame my ocassional giddy goofiness on lack of sleep, and I'm sure it does have something to do with it. But it's times like those you think, you know what, screw it. I'm going to do what makes me happy, and as long as it makes some other people happy, I don't even care. Those who notice and are able to appreciate the quirky joy in my weirdness are probably nice, creative and open-minded people anyway, and I'm glad to let them have their amusement. And everyone else, keep living your tightwad lives. Keep fitting in with the screwed up social standards if that's what you feel is natural.. if that's what really makes you happy.
But on the other hand, there's always the risk of being a clown. What if people never take me seriously? What if they don't think I'm capable of being taken seriously? How can I speak up in class with that kind of reputation? How will I be a Professional with that kind of reputation? And the cycle begins again. How do you find a balance?
I pretty much have my room for next semester picked. The whole process has been kind of annoying.. I wanted to room with these two other girls in a nice quad with a bathroom and common room, and all we needed was a fourth person. Then there were these two other girls (one of them a good friend of mine since the beggining of the year), so I was thinking of quadding up with them- wwe would have had a perfect four (because one of the original girls dropped out.) But it turns out everyone just wants their own single. It stinks, cause I was really looking forward to living in a quad, and having some kind of community with close friends. But now I just have this vision of me sitting alone in my room and no one really caring. At least in a quad people would kind of have to remember I exist.. Being in a single seems so lonely. Hopefully though, I'm just crazy and it'll turn out okay.. I bet my inhibitions have been shaped by my friend experience this year, where I was kind of the odd one out. I don't get it though.. we'd still have individual rooms, but with a common room.. I don't see why it was such a big deal for them NOT to want the quad. Weird people. Independent types, I suppose.. unlike me: needy, I guess.
Psh, so finally we picked our singles and then this girl wanted to switch because she wants to go out on the roof and smoke. Truthfully, It doenst make a difference to me but I'm so sick of being pushed around and not being able to have control over what I want to do next year. From losing the Tutorial program, to having to think up substitutes and dealing with all the resulting chaos.. what a mess it's been. And this "good friend since the beggining of the year" of mine seems to want to please all these upperclassmen because their her cool friends. She says we don't talk often and wants to hang out, but then when she does have a chance, runs off with someone else... someone cooler, no doubt. Maybe I have some old-fashioned view of loyalty or something, i don't know.. i know it's not good to be possesive about people.. but some things just feel very phony to me, and I hate that. Whatever. I need to learn to accept others' decisions and not depend on people so much. :/
I have way too many papers to do. I dont even want to talk about it. TOO MUCH! I'm going to fall over, or explode. Not even papers.. I do have a few papers, but on top of that.. flute (recital on Saturday! Easy piece, though.), chapel singers concert coming up, spanish oral interview (!!), SPRING WEEKEND this weekend and I probably won't even be able to see Guster perform.. not that I know them. I hate being so stressed out! Feeling the overwhelming weight of these things hang oer my back. Bah!
Haha, actually- if I do explode- it'll be because of all the damn food I'm eating. I haven't gone to the gym in over a month. And now that lent's over, I'm eating desert multiple times a day (as opposed to relatively minimal amunts during the week). Not to mention I have a hard time controling my portion sizes in general. Everytime I eat here I feel positively stuffed.. that can't be healthy.
Health! I'm getting over some coldish thing. I have a wart on my knee, I think my scoliosis has gotten worse, I busted my finger at work yesterday, my toe- in my room by opening the door into it, I have some weird bump on my ear.. BraAAGh! Maybe I need more sleep. What do you say to that, immune system? Huh, huh? You want some rapid eye movement action, don't youuu, don't youu!?
I can't believe everything's ending so soon. Summer will be so relaxing, and I know this is going to sound mushy, but it's going to be nice to spend time with Kyle, too. He visited the weekend of the 8th and we did some things, ie- went to the Newman Cub Dinner friday night, played with kids Saturday morning, went to CVS, went to the Wadsworth Atheneum and saw some Picasso/ random cool surrealism and sculpture, worked at the library for a bit, and then played billiards and stuff (cause we missed the 70s party.. that is, went wayy too early when there was nothing going on and didnt think to come back later.) Kyle also helped me with the powepoint for my Spanish class skit/presentation, which I did really really well on. I'm so, so grateful that we've kind of gotten things back on track this time.. or perhaps/rather, that I have.. and it's a shame we haven't really been able to enjoy it. I love knowing that we can depend on one another though, and that we're not having any major problems despite the long-distance-during-school relationship. Going back to the earlier theme, it's also great to be with someone you know won't judge you.. a relief, even.
/siggh.
I feel like I've written a bunch of crap. I can be much more eloquent and organized than this I think. But whatever. I need to nap for a bit, and then go to some RA meeting thing, and then write my paper. HmM :/
Cya l8er GuyZzz.
KS
PS- Made huge quilted presents out of foam at work today. [Random scenery.]