The art of losing sanity
Fifth Chapter - The art of losing sanity
Within the following days Yong Guk barely left his room.
His nights were filled with tossing and turning, he couldn’t sleep easy at all and it was getting him weary and exhausted.
Their schedule had been put on hold after the album promotions were wrapped up.
They still were busy with training but there were no interviews, recordings or shootings to attend to.
So he stayed in his room most of the time, avoiding Zelo, avoiding Himchan and he knew it was stupid and he was supposed to step out there and get things straight.
However he kind of felt like time had run out on him.
Everything was so weird and fucked up and there must have been a moment where he should have had said something but that moment had slipped thought his fingers.
He did join the boys on training though but refrained from dealing with neither Himchan nor Zelo.
His eyes never left them though and his mind was far from being at ease.
Basically he felt like even though he was physically present at the practice room, his thoughts were drifting of inexorably.
He tripped over his own feet a couple of times during dance practice while his eyes were fixed on Zelos reflection in the mirror.
Taking in every little bit of the boys figure.
How his pink locks bounced on his head as he repeated the dance routine, how a thin drop of sweat ran down his temple and he wiped it off into his sleeve, the focused and determine look on his face while he monitored his reflection.
His limbs just refused to obey when he watched the maknae.
He could feel his chest tighten, his breath getting stuck in his throat.
Himchan scoffed at him more than once with his lips drawing a superior smirk as he looked down on him and Jongup rushed over to him almost every time to get him back on his feet, always wearing a concerned expression on his face.
Zelo never looked at him during practice hours, only during breaks he felt his gaze in his back and it was more than once he had felt the urge to turn around and meet his eyes.
Zelo cursed when he missed the beat and Yong Guks head shot up.
“Drop the cursing Zelo!” Yong Guk scolded, the words passed his lips before his mind had the chance to step in.
Zelo tripped and spun around to look at him, eyes wide open.
Yong Guk was just as stunned on his outburst as Zelo was, somewhere in his chest the leader inside of him had stepped in the moment he heard the maknae drop the words.
His reproof was the first words he directed towards the pink haired boy since the night they bumped into each other in the kitchen.
The tension they caused was sensible as Zelos mouth dropped open and a little huffed noise escaped his throat.
The music stopped playing; the others had stopped dancing and were looking at them.
Daehyun kept looking from Zelo to Yong Guk then over to Youngjae who was just as puzzled as his friend.
Jongup was kneeling next to the stereo, his hand still on the power button.
In the corner of his eye he saw Himchan eyeing them, arms crossed in front of his chest.
Zelo kept staring at him, still panting from exhaustion after hours of dancing.
His first impulse was to apologize but he didn’t even get as far as to open his mouth because Zelo grabbed the towel that was draped around his neck and tossed it to the floor.
He grit his teeth together and dashed pass him, bumping against Yong Guks shoulder, almost knocking him off his feet.
“What was that?” Daehyun uttered, eyes locked on the door Zelo had just ran out of.
Jongup sighed.
“I guess we’ll be having a break then.” He got off the floor and walked out the door, about to go search for the youngest member.
Himchan snorted with laughter and grabbed a bottle of water.
“What’s so funny?” Yong Guk turned to face him, his eyes narrowed.
Himchan raised an eyebrow and was about to reply with a probably devaluation answer when Youngjae cut him off.
“Please! Can you drop it?” His voice was strong and sharp.
Daehyun looked a little taken aback on his friends’ tone, his eyes clearly express he never wanted Youngjae to direct that tone towards him.
Ever.
“I don’t know what your problem is but you guys better sort it out!”
His voice was bold and piercing.
It wasn’t a request coming from their dongsaengs mouth.
This was clearly an order.
It was pitch dark and he barely saw anything as he kept pacing up and down the corridor.
Everyone had gone to bed already, exhausted from the training.
Yong Guk didn’t feel like sleeping though, not after Zelo had run off on him today, not after Youngjae had set him straight this afternoon.
He felt embarrassed over the fact that his dongsaeng had to get involved first before he gathered the courage to face his demons.
Everything was going down the drain and Yong Guk had had enough of it.
If Himchans was playing games he was not going to have it, not anymore.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment before his hand grabbed the knob of Himchans door.
He turned it carefully, trying to keep it from making noises.
He stepped into the room, closed the door behind him, the clicking sound of the lock breaking the silence that was lingering in the air.
His heartbeat was thumbing in his ears, his mouth dry and swallowing was almost painful.
The only light in the small room was that of Himchans computer monitor.
Himchan sat in front of it not turning to face the other, the sound of his mouse clicks being the only noise that filled the room.
Yong Guk took a deep breath he walked towards the other, stopping a few steps in front of him.
The thumbing noise in his ears got louder as he opened his mouth, the words stuck in his throat but somehow he managed to get them out.
“Are you sleeping with Zelo?”
Direct, blunt, straight to the point.
His heart dropped as his mouth formed the words.
He felt like being torn apart inside but he couldn’t stand it anymore he needed a clarification.
Himchan snorted his lips drew a smirk.
“Who I let into my bed is none of your business hyung.”
Yong Guks fist smashed into the wall to his left, his teeth clenched together, a furious gleam in his eyes.
Himchan rose from his chair, taking a step towards Yong Guk, looking straight into his leaders’ eyes.
“Do you sleep with him?” he pressed the question through his teeth sharply.
Himchan crossed his arms in front of his chest his head cocked to the side.
“I don’t know why it concerns you but yah I do.” He said, his voice came out clear and indifferent.
Yong Guks eyes widened on the bluntness of his answer.
Somehow something inside of him had hoped for the other to deny it.
He couldn’t move at all when Himchan took another step towards him, stopping only a few centimeters away.
The blood was shooting through his veins, throbbing in his ears.
His eyes roamed over Himchans face, still hoping the other would crack a smile at him, tell him he was only joking, that it was a prank he pulled on him but nothing.
Himchan looked back at him, about to say something.
“He was very shy at first you know.” A smirk appeared on his face as he leaned closer, his breath tickling Yong Guks ear as he spoke.
“But he got into it after I told him to think of someone else.” He was scoffing at him.
Yong Guks hands shoot to his collar, his fingers clutching the fabric tightly.
The person in front of him wasn’t his friend anymore, he was so disgusting, disturbing unspeakably despicable.
The blood rushed through his veins, almost painfully.
His body felt tense and heavy.
Himchan on the other hand seemed amused about his outburst of anger.
His head tiled right and there was this look on his face again, the smirk that was so presumptuous and arrogant.
“He even asked for more while I drove into his body. He was really enjoying it.”
He wanted to cover his ears.
His grip tightened on Himchans collar, he pulled on the fabric so forcefully the younger boy had to stand on tiptoes to not get choked by the neckline.
“Shut it!” He yelled, his voice strong and threatening.
He bit down on his lips unable to deliberate on the others words or to comprehend what was happening exactly, what had happened to Himchan.
His heart ached from the fact that the person he’d considered his best friend was telling him those things, that those obnoxious statements involved Zelo.
He didn’t want to do this, didn’t want to hate Himchan but the feeling spread through his body.
His hands kept shaking as Himchan continued his deliberations.
“Now Hyung…try to guess whose name he cried out when I made him come.”
He looked right into his eyes as the words poured from his mouth and Yong Guk lost it.
He swung him to the floor the other landing on his back violently.
“Dirty bastard!” A fist landed in the handsome mans face. His lip bruised.
“Oh come on! It’s not as if you never laid your dirty little hands on him before!”
He wiped off the trail of blood that ran from his lip.
Yong Guks jaw dropped open.
He couldn’t believe he was being compared to him.
“Do you wanna die Kim Himchan?” he was furious.
His fist swung towards the others face when it was stopped midway by a heavy weight hanging onto it.
Zelos hand held his wrist tight, he hung his whole bodyweight onto the others arm.
“Hyung listen! “ he yelled.
Yong Guks mind was so blurred by his anger he barely took notice of the young boy that had entered the scene.
He tried to break loose from his grip but Zelo only held on tighter.
“It was me.”
He stopped in his tracks eyes still focused on the person who had turned into someone so despicable, someone he had used to call his best friend.
“I was the one who came onto him not the other way around!” Zelos voice cracked as he yelled the words towards his hyung.
Tears welled up in his eyes.
Yong Guk dropped his fist leaving his arms hanging loosely to his sides.
Himchan shrug his shoulder and sneered.
“I never said it was my idea.”
He lifted his body off the floor, moving out from underneath Yong Guk.
The handsome young man fixed his hair as he looked down on the sobbing mess that was his maknae, then to Yong Guk who was staring at a random spot on the floor, hands still clenched into fists.
“I guess you don’t need me here any longer.” He scoffed with a smirk on his lips before he dragged himself out the room.
Yong Guk remained frozen in his position the sound of Zelos sobbing traveling to his ears.
The pink haired boy kneeled at his side, tears continuously running down his cheeks.
He tried to wiped them of into his sleeve but they came right back.
Yong Guk wasn’t too sure about what was going on, why Himchan had suddenly become so despicable or why Zelo was sitting beside him crying his eyes out.
What the hell had happened? How had everything turned out like this?
His chest was rising heavily as the adrenalin kept pumping through his veins.
He felt Zelos cold hands wrap around his fist, holding on to it as if he was trying to calm him down.
He didn’t dare to look at the younger.
Afraid of the sight he’d be presented with, afraid of what he might say or do if he saw the others tears and reddened eyes and cheeks.
His fist unclenched and for a second he wrapped his hand around the others and squeezed it tightly before he withdrew from their touch.
Zelos sobs stopped for that moment only to get worse after he was denied to hold Yong Guks hand any longer.
His breath got so heavy and he was gasping for air, Yong Guk wondered if it was even healthy.
It hurt to hear, it would be even worse to see.
He didn’t know what to do or say, he wasn’t even sure if he was supposed to react or if he was better off doing nothing.
He bit his lip and sighed, shook his head and gulped hard.
Zelo remained by his side, hands clenched into the fabric of his tiger-printed tracking pants.
The room was filled with the sound of Zelos sobs and after a while Yong Guk couldn’t take it anymore.
He couldn’t stand the sound of Zelos cries, the freezing cold air in the room, the fact that he wanted to pull the young boy into his arms as much as he wanted to shout and scream at him.
He couldn’t take the scent of Himchan lingering in the air, the buzzing noise of his computer, the suffocating tightness that took over his chest.
So he jumped off the floor and out the room, not looking back at the picture of misery kneeling on the floor.
He dashed out.
The door slammed shut behind him with a loud bang.