Seeking comfort in the arms of his enemy
Sixth chapter Part 1 - Seeking comfort in the arms of his enemy
He had tried to talk to Yong Guk before, one time, two times, now he wondered if the other even remembered.
Had Yong Guk ever listened to what he tried to convey to him?
That he was feeling tossed aside, that he couldn’t deal with the change in Yong Guks attitude.
It was true that Himchan wasn’t one to easily convert his feelings especially when he was hurt or sad, he just couldn’t say the words out straight but initially he hadn’t needed too, at least not with the leader.
But it wasn’t even that Yong Guk didn’t understand him, he actually wouldn’t listen in the first place so basically there was nothing for him to reflect on.
After a while Himchan had given up, he got bitter.
Yong Guks world revolved around Zelo only.
There was nothing getting through to him unless it was related to the pink haired boy.
Himchan had figured that much.
He wasn’t stupid.
He had seen Zelo cling to his leader, he had seen the gleam in his eyes and if no one noticed Himchan would.
The way Yong Guk had been troubled all of a sudden, how he started to avoid the maknae and he’d also noticed when his leaders’ gazes towards Zelo changed.
He was aware of all of it because he always looked at Yong Guk, because he was Himchan and that was Yong Guk and they were inseparable.
At least until the maknae had snug his way in between them and Himchan understood clearly what impact it had on their friendship.
It hurt.
It hurt so much at times he could barely stand it and the worst was that Yong Guk didn’t see his grief at all.
Yong Guk had drifted off so far Himchan wasn’t able to get a hold of him anymore.
So after a while he felt like he was pushed into a position where he was observing from afar.
Yong Guk, he was hurting, undoubted and Zelo was too.
He kept an eye on them and he knew.
He knew more than anyone else, he was sure he did.
He saw Zelos yearning glances, saw his hurt expressions the little attempts to touch the leader.
He saw Yong Guks weird behavior, saw his confusion and doubt.
Himchan saw it all.
He even saw the tears that weren’t sheet, heard the words that weren’t uttered and he knew he wasn’t supposed to notice.
He felt sore.
He didn’t particularly hate Zelo as a person; it was just that he hated him around Yong Guk.
And even though he’d hoped that if Zelo only left the others side everything was going to go back to normal he had to face the fact that it actually made things worse.
The effect the younger boy had on his friend, how he turned him into a wimp, a coward, someone that lost the ability to be true to themselves, he hated it.
The other had lost his courage and even though Himchan saw the pained longing gazes that Yong Guk laid on the maknae and he saw the feelings he had yet to realize himself, Himchan didn’t even feel like talking to him about it.
Because Himchan wasn’t the type to talk feelings and Yong Guk wasn’t supposed to be the insecure and anxious person he’d turned into.
He didn’t deserve Himchans help anymore.
Just where had the once so proud and confident Yong Guk vanished to?
He had allowed the maknae to step between them and Zelo had managed to change him into whom or what he was at the moment.
And Himchan wanted to make him lift the spell he had laid on the leader, let go of his friend and stop him from turning Yong Guk into someone he barely recognized.
He wanted Yong Guk back to who he’d used to be, wanted them back to how they’d used to be.
So when he found Zelo crying in his room one night he’d felt pleased for a moment.
It was a bad thing to feel he knew that but he couldn’t help it.
He wasn’t sure how he actually came to disliking Zelo so much that he was enjoying the sight of him crying.
He stood there for a while, staring into the room, the young boy curled up on his bed while he cried and whined.
When Zelo lifted his head their eyes met and Himchan felt caught.
Zelos expression was cold, pained but straight at the same time; he didn’t even seem embarrassed about Himchan watching him or rather he didn’t seem to care.
Himchan eyed him for a while with Zelo staring back at him, his arms still wrapped around his legs.
It was a weird situation and he decided to walk off to his room before the mood got awkward and one of them had to say something.
He sat in front of the computer again and it wasn’t much later that his door was opened and a tall and slim figure slid into his room.
He turned around and looked at the maknae questioning; his cheeks were deep red, eyes puffy and dry traces of tears were left visible on his skin.
He wasn’t too sure what to think of the picture in front of him but something inside his body twitched when he took in the determined look on the others face.
He got off his chair, his body literally moving on his own as he kept wondering what the younger wanted.
Zelo seemed nervous, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, he kept biting his lips.
He stopped a few centimeters in front of the younger and kept eyeing him.
The other didn’t look at him as he closed the distance between them, wrapping his arms around his torso, pressing his slim body against his.
Himchan stumbled a little as the others weight pressed into his body.
The maknae clung onto him like he was trying to prevent himself from drowning.
He could tell for what reason the other came to his room he just couldn’t figure out why but he didn’t care.
That was the night he embraced Zelo.
He wasn’t sure himself why he did it, when it was actually Zelo he wanted to vanish.
Maybe he figured it was because after all both of them were equally hurt, both of them feeling equally betrayed and discarded.
Maybe it was because while Zelo was partly a cause of his pain, in a way he was also the only one who could fully understand it.
And also there was this tingle of superiority that took over his belly.
He knew Yong Guk would be devastated if he knew, he knew Zelo would feel remorse and it was a foul way of thinking but the thought of taking what his friend was too gutless to claim made him feel satisfied in a way.
However when he’d seen a wet shimmer in Zelos eyes he’d hesitated.
He’d laid his head against the others, his palms resting on Zelos burning cheeks.
“This is your last chance to back out of this, if you don’t I won’t stop is that clear?”
Those were the words he said to the young boy that was anxiously shivering underneath him.
Zelo looked straight back into his eyes, an eager look in them even though the way he sucked in and bit his lip showed his inner conflict.
He shook his head and Himchan threw all reserves out the window.
He never went rough on the younger boy, not more than he would have with anyone else.
After all he wasn’t doing it to hurt Zelo, not physically at least.
His lips never met the younger ones and Zelo never kissed him either.
It was like a silent agreement between them, no feelings involved meant no kisses shared, simple as that.
Still Zelo was rather tensed and Himchan knew he would need to relax at least a little to enjoy what they were doing, physically that was.
So he did the only thing he could think of and told him to think of Yong Guk.
Well not literally because he never dropped the leaders name but he was certain about who the maknae would think of while being held by him.
The first time the leaders name slipped Zelos lips he felt vindicated, the second and third time he felt angry and by the fourth time he started to feel sorry for the maknae.
The way he cried out the others name was so helpless, despaired and soaked with pain.
Himchan wanted to cover his ears.
He didn’t want to be confronted with the depth of Zelos feelings, didn’t want to face the fact that it wasn’t just a puppy love for Zelo.
He had despised Zelo for being a stupid, infatuated little brat that clung to his friend, he didn’t want to have that impression changed.
The sight of the small sobbing and shaking ball Zelo had curled into afterwards wasn’t as pleasing to him as he had thought it would be.
And for once he allowed himself to forget about the grunge he held for the other, he sat down on the bed again his hand reached out for Zelo.
He wouldn’t look at him but his hand found its way to Zelos head and he ran his fingers through the soft pinkness.
He caressed his cheek softly, because even though Zelo was still a little brat in his eyes, he was so pitiable Himchan couldn’t just ignore him in that moment.
“The worst.” He mumbled not getting specific about whom or what he was addressing like that.
He got up again jumped into a pair of pants and a shirt and advanced towards the door about to leave.
“You better leave soon.” He advised him before stepping out the room leaving the shivering Zelo lying naked and exposed on his bed.
While he closed the door it hit him that he should probably air the room as soon as the younger had left.
When Zelo came to his room the next day and straddled himself on his lap his decision was unimpeachable.
He pushed the young bandmate off his lap, watching how Zelos eyes furrow, his head tilting to the left, a puzzled expression on his pretty features.
“I’m not interested. It’s boring.” He explained in a cold voice.
He wasn’t going to be Yong Guks replacement after all; it had seemed like “fun”, it wasn’t.
After all seeing Zelo hurt wasn’t what he wanted, he wanted him to leave not to be in pain and all of it still wouldn’t get him his friend back.
Zelo just nodded and slid off onto the bed.
Himchan turned his back on the younger, leaving him sitting there.
He fell asleep after a while and when he turned to face him tears had started to run down his sleeping face and Himchans belly cramped painfully.
Because Zelo looked weak and vulnerable and for a second he could see why Yong Guk was drawn to his pretty face but he shook off those thoughts.
He woke him up and told him to get a grip and fix his face in the bathroom because he couldn’t stand it.
Himchan thought it was a closure.