I'm Sorry.
Hey Kids,
I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry I'm even writing this, and when you're sorry for being sorry, you know something is really wrong. I need to find a reset button for myself. I just need to get back to clear, and clean, and open to the possible.
"You'll remember me, when the west wind moves, among the fields of barley, you'll forget the sun, in his jealous sky, as we lie in fields of gold."
There are times when I just KNOW I don't deserve to feel this bad, and there are times when I think every inch of it is my fault. That I ask too much of everyone I love, that I pushed everyone away, and that I can only force negative energy into everyone's life, as I take all the positive for myself. I just want to LIVE again, without feeling so empty.
"Please take me dancing tonight, I've been all on my own, you promised one day we could,
that's what you said on the phone, I'm just a prisoner of love, always hid from the light,
take me dancing, please take me dancing tonight."
God, I used to write interesting things. I used to be a fireball. I used to hold you and show you that the whole world was ours, and now I have nothing but these memories of songs sung to you, and words written for you. These memories of the park behind the mall, and of tears wiped away after crashed cars, of the smell of hair dye and of talking all night long. I remember a kiss that brought me to the floor, and nights I did nothing but think of you. I remember someone who never judged me, someone who never hurt me, someone who was always there, always listened and always cared and never told me a lie. Someone who let me into a world I never could have imagined, and a world I know I will never get to again.
"If I was on the outside, looking at the inside, I would burn this place to the ground, straight to the ground, now."
I look through the windows to see the happiness everywhere. I hear the sound of laughter, and the amazing language of a little boy discovering the world. I see a whole life I know I will need. I could be happy alone, couldn't I? SHOULDN'T I? It used to mean something, when I said that. I used to know. It isn't being alone that stops me from being able to be alone, it's that desperation, that works both ways, of something being taken from me. God I just want someone to listen. Someone to show myself to, someone to help me remind myself that if I really want to, I can do ANYTHING. I can move mountains, with the right motivation, I can stir souls and send hearts soaring. You just watch me. But you have to want to hear it. You have to want to see it. And I have not got that. I have no audience. I am an empty hall. No bookings.
"I don't make promises lightly, and there have been some that I've broken, but I swear in the days still left, we'll walk in fields of gold"
I hear the words in my head again and again, "I will never leave you. I will never hurt you like she did." Everyone says that. They aren't lying, any of them. Circumstances to follow cannot be controlled. Promises are not forever. I am not STUPID. I know it's like that for me too, or it would be if I weren't such a freak. A monster. Split down the middle of the heart, separate compartments for lovers, and arts.
"I am everything you want, I am everything you need, I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be, I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and you don't know why."
I wasn't worth it anymore. I understand that. I'm painful and draining, 'cause I need to be with someone like me. I need to be with a multiplicitous heart, with an ear that doesn't carry weight, with an open mind and an open soul, who understands that I just need to talk sometimes. That I am made of words, and feelings, and they need expression. That it doesn't mean you have to fix me, that it doesn't mean you have to be weighed down, that it doesn't mean you have feel guilty for the fact that I feel. Sometimes we say the wrong thing, when the thunder pours out, sometimes we ache so much from loving that the fire engulfs us. But I am not a man who carries hatred, or anger, I am not made for holding grudges or judging or hurting. I would suffer for you, if you asked me to. And I would not mind.
"Oh the distance is not do-able, in these bodies of clay my brother, oh the distance makes me uncomfortable, guess it's natural to feel this way"
I am melting in the suns of ten planets, even as the cold wind blows up under my nose.
I am waiting for the words of the churches to sing to the soul and bring me to light.
I am calling the future to come down and wreak its might and its passion upon me.
There is a night to come when all will be put right. But it is not this night.
There is a night to come where all the fighting and crying and cursing will calm. But it is not this night.
There is a night to come when I will see angels again. But it is not this night.
There is a night to come when happiness will touch my lips like soft sweet syrup. But it is not this night.
There is a night to come when I will get better.
But it is not this night.
"She would never say where she came from, yesterday don't matter if it's gone"
I am climbing. You know it. I will be me again. I am fighting everyday to find myself again. There are downsides. This week they have been worse than I ever thought they would be again, since I left home. But I will not give up. I will not let this make me what I used to be. I will not let anymore be taken from me by this cruel life. I will not let the sun set on nightmares anymore. I will watch the fire of its descent and let it fuel me for the darkness to come.
"Come on, Come on, put your hands into the fire"
I am a flame. It is how I'm made. And I will burn again. I miss your voice. Just tell me you love me.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
P.S. If these entries are too boring for you, or too depressing, let's play a game. I'll keep using lyrics in my posts, as I like to, to connect with what I'm saying, and I'll make 'em bold like I did here, and if you don't want to comment on the content of the entry, you can just guess the song and the artist of any or all of the lyrics, some will be really easy, some will be more obscure. A good game can be your reward for listening to me blab on. You can even comment anonymously. I don't mind.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything. I'm sorry I'm even writing this, and when you're sorry for being sorry, you know something is really wrong. I need to find a reset button for myself. I just need to get back to clear, and clean, and open to the possible.
"You'll remember me, when the west wind moves, among the fields of barley, you'll forget the sun, in his jealous sky, as we lie in fields of gold."
There are times when I just KNOW I don't deserve to feel this bad, and there are times when I think every inch of it is my fault. That I ask too much of everyone I love, that I pushed everyone away, and that I can only force negative energy into everyone's life, as I take all the positive for myself. I just want to LIVE again, without feeling so empty.
"Please take me dancing tonight, I've been all on my own, you promised one day we could,
that's what you said on the phone, I'm just a prisoner of love, always hid from the light,
take me dancing, please take me dancing tonight."
God, I used to write interesting things. I used to be a fireball. I used to hold you and show you that the whole world was ours, and now I have nothing but these memories of songs sung to you, and words written for you. These memories of the park behind the mall, and of tears wiped away after crashed cars, of the smell of hair dye and of talking all night long. I remember a kiss that brought me to the floor, and nights I did nothing but think of you. I remember someone who never judged me, someone who never hurt me, someone who was always there, always listened and always cared and never told me a lie. Someone who let me into a world I never could have imagined, and a world I know I will never get to again.
"If I was on the outside, looking at the inside, I would burn this place to the ground, straight to the ground, now."
I look through the windows to see the happiness everywhere. I hear the sound of laughter, and the amazing language of a little boy discovering the world. I see a whole life I know I will need. I could be happy alone, couldn't I? SHOULDN'T I? It used to mean something, when I said that. I used to know. It isn't being alone that stops me from being able to be alone, it's that desperation, that works both ways, of something being taken from me. God I just want someone to listen. Someone to show myself to, someone to help me remind myself that if I really want to, I can do ANYTHING. I can move mountains, with the right motivation, I can stir souls and send hearts soaring. You just watch me. But you have to want to hear it. You have to want to see it. And I have not got that. I have no audience. I am an empty hall. No bookings.
"I don't make promises lightly, and there have been some that I've broken, but I swear in the days still left, we'll walk in fields of gold"
I hear the words in my head again and again, "I will never leave you. I will never hurt you like she did." Everyone says that. They aren't lying, any of them. Circumstances to follow cannot be controlled. Promises are not forever. I am not STUPID. I know it's like that for me too, or it would be if I weren't such a freak. A monster. Split down the middle of the heart, separate compartments for lovers, and arts.
"I am everything you want, I am everything you need, I am everything inside of you that you wish you could be, I say all the right things at exactly the right time, but I mean nothing to you and you don't know why."
I wasn't worth it anymore. I understand that. I'm painful and draining, 'cause I need to be with someone like me. I need to be with a multiplicitous heart, with an ear that doesn't carry weight, with an open mind and an open soul, who understands that I just need to talk sometimes. That I am made of words, and feelings, and they need expression. That it doesn't mean you have to fix me, that it doesn't mean you have to be weighed down, that it doesn't mean you have feel guilty for the fact that I feel. Sometimes we say the wrong thing, when the thunder pours out, sometimes we ache so much from loving that the fire engulfs us. But I am not a man who carries hatred, or anger, I am not made for holding grudges or judging or hurting. I would suffer for you, if you asked me to. And I would not mind.
"Oh the distance is not do-able, in these bodies of clay my brother, oh the distance makes me uncomfortable, guess it's natural to feel this way"
I am melting in the suns of ten planets, even as the cold wind blows up under my nose.
I am waiting for the words of the churches to sing to the soul and bring me to light.
I am calling the future to come down and wreak its might and its passion upon me.
There is a night to come when all will be put right. But it is not this night.
There is a night to come where all the fighting and crying and cursing will calm. But it is not this night.
There is a night to come when I will see angels again. But it is not this night.
There is a night to come when happiness will touch my lips like soft sweet syrup. But it is not this night.
There is a night to come when I will get better.
But it is not this night.
"She would never say where she came from, yesterday don't matter if it's gone"
I am climbing. You know it. I will be me again. I am fighting everyday to find myself again. There are downsides. This week they have been worse than I ever thought they would be again, since I left home. But I will not give up. I will not let this make me what I used to be. I will not let anymore be taken from me by this cruel life. I will not let the sun set on nightmares anymore. I will watch the fire of its descent and let it fuel me for the darkness to come.
"Come on, Come on, put your hands into the fire"
I am a flame. It is how I'm made. And I will burn again. I miss your voice. Just tell me you love me.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
P.S. If these entries are too boring for you, or too depressing, let's play a game. I'll keep using lyrics in my posts, as I like to, to connect with what I'm saying, and I'll make 'em bold like I did here, and if you don't want to comment on the content of the entry, you can just guess the song and the artist of any or all of the lyrics, some will be really easy, some will be more obscure. A good game can be your reward for listening to me blab on. You can even comment anonymously. I don't mind.