Little Things
Hey Kids.
Here's a list of some stuff I've been thinking about lately:
1 - How did Staples run before I came back?
With 1 exception they have quite literally called me every day since 2 days before I was supposed to officially start, either to come in earlier than I was supposed to, or to come in on days I wasn't scheduled. Every day but one. They left a message again this morning. If I go in, it will be 5 of 7 days that I have gone in early or on a day I was not expecting to. I hate to say no. I love that they can count on me to come in whenever they ask, and I feel trusted and important. It's nice. But I have writing to do, and x-box to play, and I don't want to work everyday.
I should really call them back and say no, or go in for a couple of hours just to help, 'cause I know what it's like when they're really short staffed, and it's no fun. But I REALLY just wanted to sit at home for a day. Seriously.
2 - Selfishness (sorry, it's a vague one)
I hate how sometimes, especially when one is really close to someone, one's desire to be close and to have times shared with the person overwhelm one's ability to even tell if one is still doing the best thing for them. It's so selfish to think about how much you want to be with someone, how much you want to spend time with them and do things for them that you want to prevent them from living their own lives. I didn't used to think I was like this. Maybe I was spoiled by being with someone who had very little social activity outside of spending time with me. I would never really try to limit someone I love in their ability to spend time with others or to have experiences. But there are times when these things are really difficult for everyone involved. For example, have you ever had the experience where you really wanted to share a place, or a piece of artwork that was really close and personal to yourself, something that made up a huge part of your identity, with someone you loved, and then somehow they had the opportunity to experience it with someone else? A small example would be a movie, a big one would be a place, like a place you visited that REALLY moved you, or the place where you grew up. And the bigger the opportunity, the more you care, and the less you can expect them to turn it down just because it would bother you. I can't stand to ask someone I love to live a more limited life because of my selfish desire to share an experience with them, but I can't stand the idea of them having this experience without me there to share it, without me there to see their face the moment that they see/hear/feel it like I did. And when it's so powerful, they know you feel this way, and you can't hide it, but you feel SO guilty letting them know, like you're trying to manipulate them into saying no, into waiting to do it with you. It's all so awkward and angsty.
I guess we just have to learn to let go of these things. To make them unimportant. But there's such a big part of me that wonders if letting these things become unimportant, as necessary as it might be to feeling happy and comfy, is what lets the passion out of a relationship. I wonder if it's giving up expectations, letting little disappointments go, coming to terms with not getting the things you're passionate about, the things you really want, that leads to falling out of love.
I suppose it's like anything else. We temper it with moderation, we cool ourselves, and we prioritise the things that are REALLY important over the things that aren't. The only problem then is gauging what is important enough to make a fuss about and what isn't. I would love to be so easygoing that the person I love could do anything they wanted, because I want them to be happy and free, but it's obvious that can't happen, everything someone does, and doubly so when you love them, affects you somehow, and you can't just turn off all your feelings because it would make someone else happier, and of course, shouldn't be asked to. Even monogamy has been a problem that way. I would love to let the person I'm with keep their relationships with others separate from their relationship with me, to know that if they tell me they love me, they mean it, and that someone else doesn't have to affect that. And I used to be ok at that, but now I'm fucking awful. I am a different person now, and in a lot of ways, I don't like who I've become. I feel so much weaker about my own needs, so much more demanding of the people I love. I never wanted to be like that.
Man, this has become like a novel. I guess I'll stop that one now.
3 - Josh Ritter
I saw Josh Ritter in concert recently. Now, I already believed Josh Ritter to be one of the best songwriters I had ever heard, and now I also think he's one of the best performers. He is unavoidably CHARMING on stage. I expected him to be a bit serious, intensely artistic, because his writing is so literary, so intellectual. But he's got a sort of a southern farm boy charm that completely belies his brilliance. (Not to say that southern farm boys can't be brilliant, simply that goofy grins are not generally associated with towering intellects. Although if I expect my novel to be successful, I can't really say that, can I?)
The long and the short of it is, if you have the opportunity to see Josh Ritter in concert, do so. If you have not heard his albums, particularly "The Animal Years" and "The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter," I suggest picking them up for a listen. You will not be disappointed.
4 - X-Box
I recently picked up an X-box. Thus far I have three games, any of which I could write an entire Livejournal entry about, not only because they are excellent as games, but because they really push me to think, as a good book would. I may do review/commentary entries about them sometime, but for now here's a simple list:
A) Assassin's Creed - Set in the Holy Land in the time of the Crusades, (well, with a more complicated premise that I won't go into in this entry) this game is all about different factions, different political ideals, and whether the ends justify the means. Also it's just bloody fun to leap on a guards back and stab him with a hidden wrist blade.
B) Bioshock - Set in an anarchist's dream city built at the bottom of the Ocean circa 1940, Warren Spector (of System Shock 2 and Deus Ex fame) has created another ridiculously creepy, yet extremely fun shooter. Maintaining his style of FPS+RPG to create a shooter with a little more depth to it, and with a fascinating setting and story, the game just...rocks.
C) Mass Effect - I have said it before and I will say it again. Nearly nobody makes games as well as Bioware. I REALLY want to work for this company. (Sadly it would mean living in Alberta, or worse, Texas) This most recent effort, which is one of the big reasons I wanted an X-box, takes their standard style of D&D style character creation and development and combines it with the recent trend of squad based third person shooters, without of course forgetting their absolutely top-notch dialogue and almost unparalleled depth of setting. Even given its own entry, I could not talk about how much I LOVE this company's work. They represent the reason I am a gamer.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
Here's a list of some stuff I've been thinking about lately:
1 - How did Staples run before I came back?
With 1 exception they have quite literally called me every day since 2 days before I was supposed to officially start, either to come in earlier than I was supposed to, or to come in on days I wasn't scheduled. Every day but one. They left a message again this morning. If I go in, it will be 5 of 7 days that I have gone in early or on a day I was not expecting to. I hate to say no. I love that they can count on me to come in whenever they ask, and I feel trusted and important. It's nice. But I have writing to do, and x-box to play, and I don't want to work everyday.
I should really call them back and say no, or go in for a couple of hours just to help, 'cause I know what it's like when they're really short staffed, and it's no fun. But I REALLY just wanted to sit at home for a day. Seriously.
2 - Selfishness (sorry, it's a vague one)
I hate how sometimes, especially when one is really close to someone, one's desire to be close and to have times shared with the person overwhelm one's ability to even tell if one is still doing the best thing for them. It's so selfish to think about how much you want to be with someone, how much you want to spend time with them and do things for them that you want to prevent them from living their own lives. I didn't used to think I was like this. Maybe I was spoiled by being with someone who had very little social activity outside of spending time with me. I would never really try to limit someone I love in their ability to spend time with others or to have experiences. But there are times when these things are really difficult for everyone involved. For example, have you ever had the experience where you really wanted to share a place, or a piece of artwork that was really close and personal to yourself, something that made up a huge part of your identity, with someone you loved, and then somehow they had the opportunity to experience it with someone else? A small example would be a movie, a big one would be a place, like a place you visited that REALLY moved you, or the place where you grew up. And the bigger the opportunity, the more you care, and the less you can expect them to turn it down just because it would bother you. I can't stand to ask someone I love to live a more limited life because of my selfish desire to share an experience with them, but I can't stand the idea of them having this experience without me there to share it, without me there to see their face the moment that they see/hear/feel it like I did. And when it's so powerful, they know you feel this way, and you can't hide it, but you feel SO guilty letting them know, like you're trying to manipulate them into saying no, into waiting to do it with you. It's all so awkward and angsty.
I guess we just have to learn to let go of these things. To make them unimportant. But there's such a big part of me that wonders if letting these things become unimportant, as necessary as it might be to feeling happy and comfy, is what lets the passion out of a relationship. I wonder if it's giving up expectations, letting little disappointments go, coming to terms with not getting the things you're passionate about, the things you really want, that leads to falling out of love.
I suppose it's like anything else. We temper it with moderation, we cool ourselves, and we prioritise the things that are REALLY important over the things that aren't. The only problem then is gauging what is important enough to make a fuss about and what isn't. I would love to be so easygoing that the person I love could do anything they wanted, because I want them to be happy and free, but it's obvious that can't happen, everything someone does, and doubly so when you love them, affects you somehow, and you can't just turn off all your feelings because it would make someone else happier, and of course, shouldn't be asked to. Even monogamy has been a problem that way. I would love to let the person I'm with keep their relationships with others separate from their relationship with me, to know that if they tell me they love me, they mean it, and that someone else doesn't have to affect that. And I used to be ok at that, but now I'm fucking awful. I am a different person now, and in a lot of ways, I don't like who I've become. I feel so much weaker about my own needs, so much more demanding of the people I love. I never wanted to be like that.
Man, this has become like a novel. I guess I'll stop that one now.
3 - Josh Ritter
I saw Josh Ritter in concert recently. Now, I already believed Josh Ritter to be one of the best songwriters I had ever heard, and now I also think he's one of the best performers. He is unavoidably CHARMING on stage. I expected him to be a bit serious, intensely artistic, because his writing is so literary, so intellectual. But he's got a sort of a southern farm boy charm that completely belies his brilliance. (Not to say that southern farm boys can't be brilliant, simply that goofy grins are not generally associated with towering intellects. Although if I expect my novel to be successful, I can't really say that, can I?)
The long and the short of it is, if you have the opportunity to see Josh Ritter in concert, do so. If you have not heard his albums, particularly "The Animal Years" and "The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter," I suggest picking them up for a listen. You will not be disappointed.
4 - X-Box
I recently picked up an X-box. Thus far I have three games, any of which I could write an entire Livejournal entry about, not only because they are excellent as games, but because they really push me to think, as a good book would. I may do review/commentary entries about them sometime, but for now here's a simple list:
A) Assassin's Creed - Set in the Holy Land in the time of the Crusades, (well, with a more complicated premise that I won't go into in this entry) this game is all about different factions, different political ideals, and whether the ends justify the means. Also it's just bloody fun to leap on a guards back and stab him with a hidden wrist blade.
B) Bioshock - Set in an anarchist's dream city built at the bottom of the Ocean circa 1940, Warren Spector (of System Shock 2 and Deus Ex fame) has created another ridiculously creepy, yet extremely fun shooter. Maintaining his style of FPS+RPG to create a shooter with a little more depth to it, and with a fascinating setting and story, the game just...rocks.
C) Mass Effect - I have said it before and I will say it again. Nearly nobody makes games as well as Bioware. I REALLY want to work for this company. (Sadly it would mean living in Alberta, or worse, Texas) This most recent effort, which is one of the big reasons I wanted an X-box, takes their standard style of D&D style character creation and development and combines it with the recent trend of squad based third person shooters, without of course forgetting their absolutely top-notch dialogue and almost unparalleled depth of setting. Even given its own entry, I could not talk about how much I LOVE this company's work. They represent the reason I am a gamer.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight