Self Sacrifice - Does it even exist?
Hey Kids,
I'm really sorry I haven't posted in so long. Mostly I'm sure no one really cares if I post here or not, but I am always interested when I read my friends page, so maybe you guys were missing my self-indulgent blather as much as I miss yours when you don't post. :')
Sometimes in our lives we are given the opportunity to sacrifice something that is extremely important to us so that we can give something to someone else. This opportunity, and taking advantage of it, bring up some complex and difficult emotional obstacles.
The first feeling seems to be strong reluctance. We're all selfish, and who wants to give up something that is really important to us? Especially those things we believe we can't get back. For me, the biggest losses are the losses of potential experience. Is it worth giving up something we really want in order to give someone else the opportunity to have what they want? Worse is the feeling that fighting for what we want is unfair, and will hurt the other person, not only by taking away this thing from them that they really want, but worse, by making them feel guilty for wanting to have it and having it despite that it will hurt you.
If we DO give up what we want for the other person, alongside the disappointment, or even grief of having to give up what we wanted, there is an intense desire to have our sacrifices appreciated. Perhaps it's as much a personal style of dealing with things like this, perhaps I am narcissistic or desperately need to be everything to everyone, to have people need me and admire me, but there seems to be this deep desire to do things that demonstrate how hurt I am, how much I am losing. Not because I want this person to feel awful and guilty, but because I want them to know how much I am giving up, how much it truly IS a sacrifice for me and how much of a hard time I am having. Perhaps this turns a sacrificial act into an act of selfishness, and whilst I chose to give the thing up because I didn't want to take anything away from someone I care about, I can't help but worry that my desperation to be appreciated lessens the sacrifice. Is it wrong to want something good for myself out of a situation that has been so unhappy for everyone? Is the principle of self sacrifice valuable enough to be worth giving up all the happiness in the situation, including the happiness gleaned from being seen as "the kind of guy" who sacrifices things for the people he loves? When the situation feels like it cannot be happy for anyone, is there any way to determine what is right? And will someone who thinks giving things up is an admirable quality always end up being the person who does so? Or is that even relevant? Should one even take that into account, or is it better to deal with every situation separately, and not wonder if you're always the one making the sacrifices?
And when it's too late, will we resent the person we gave these things up for? I don't tend to DO longterm resentment, but for some reason, I am always concerned that I will. What if this is the time I can't rise above the temptation to feel hard done by? Or what if I seem to be fine, but then this person doesn't appreciate the sacrifice in a way that makes it feel worthwhile? Will that lead to a newfound resentment? And why do I ASSUME I'm not, and will not, be appreciated for the things I do for others? Is it because of past times people have thrown those things back in my face, or ignored that they even happened? Is it because I am, at heart, insecure and terrified of being unimportant?
I insist on not having people apologise to me in these situations. If you are allowing me to make this choice, this sacrifice for you, don't make me regret it by telling me you are "sorry" for taking away the things I want. I resist the temptation to say "if you were really sorry you wouldn't do this."
Some people tend to be good about saying that they "know what it's like" to think something is extremely important when no one else understands. That's a gracious thing to say, but it's also an easy one when you're not willing to give up the things you think are important.
Perhaps I should simply never back down? Would that be better? We always talk about the value of self-sacrifice, but is it really only nice because it seems unselfish? We can't deny that selfishness has value too, from self preservation to success, selfishness is way more valued in our society than we often admit. So why do we feel guilty about it, and is it really so horrible that it should be avoided at the cost of things that are really important to us? In the end, I'm not wired that way. I like to give in sometimes, I like to be, and admittedly as much, to seem unselfish and generous.
I was hoping that this posting would help me to work through my feelings, and to feel better. Sometimes expressing my emotions publicly makes me feel satisfied, makes things easier to deal with. I guess it doesn't actually make disappointment or unhappiness go away. I THINK I did the "right" thing, but I feel so bad that I can't help wondering if that can possibly be true. Can bad feelings be the defining feature of having done the right thing, when the right thing is self-sacrifice? Is it wrong to expect appreciation even though being unappreciative is considered wrong too?
I want to be a good person. I also want people to THINK I'm a good person. I want to give things up for the people I love, but I also want to be happy.
Where's the balance? And how do we even know when we've got it right?
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight
I'm really sorry I haven't posted in so long. Mostly I'm sure no one really cares if I post here or not, but I am always interested when I read my friends page, so maybe you guys were missing my self-indulgent blather as much as I miss yours when you don't post. :')
Sometimes in our lives we are given the opportunity to sacrifice something that is extremely important to us so that we can give something to someone else. This opportunity, and taking advantage of it, bring up some complex and difficult emotional obstacles.
The first feeling seems to be strong reluctance. We're all selfish, and who wants to give up something that is really important to us? Especially those things we believe we can't get back. For me, the biggest losses are the losses of potential experience. Is it worth giving up something we really want in order to give someone else the opportunity to have what they want? Worse is the feeling that fighting for what we want is unfair, and will hurt the other person, not only by taking away this thing from them that they really want, but worse, by making them feel guilty for wanting to have it and having it despite that it will hurt you.
If we DO give up what we want for the other person, alongside the disappointment, or even grief of having to give up what we wanted, there is an intense desire to have our sacrifices appreciated. Perhaps it's as much a personal style of dealing with things like this, perhaps I am narcissistic or desperately need to be everything to everyone, to have people need me and admire me, but there seems to be this deep desire to do things that demonstrate how hurt I am, how much I am losing. Not because I want this person to feel awful and guilty, but because I want them to know how much I am giving up, how much it truly IS a sacrifice for me and how much of a hard time I am having. Perhaps this turns a sacrificial act into an act of selfishness, and whilst I chose to give the thing up because I didn't want to take anything away from someone I care about, I can't help but worry that my desperation to be appreciated lessens the sacrifice. Is it wrong to want something good for myself out of a situation that has been so unhappy for everyone? Is the principle of self sacrifice valuable enough to be worth giving up all the happiness in the situation, including the happiness gleaned from being seen as "the kind of guy" who sacrifices things for the people he loves? When the situation feels like it cannot be happy for anyone, is there any way to determine what is right? And will someone who thinks giving things up is an admirable quality always end up being the person who does so? Or is that even relevant? Should one even take that into account, or is it better to deal with every situation separately, and not wonder if you're always the one making the sacrifices?
And when it's too late, will we resent the person we gave these things up for? I don't tend to DO longterm resentment, but for some reason, I am always concerned that I will. What if this is the time I can't rise above the temptation to feel hard done by? Or what if I seem to be fine, but then this person doesn't appreciate the sacrifice in a way that makes it feel worthwhile? Will that lead to a newfound resentment? And why do I ASSUME I'm not, and will not, be appreciated for the things I do for others? Is it because of past times people have thrown those things back in my face, or ignored that they even happened? Is it because I am, at heart, insecure and terrified of being unimportant?
I insist on not having people apologise to me in these situations. If you are allowing me to make this choice, this sacrifice for you, don't make me regret it by telling me you are "sorry" for taking away the things I want. I resist the temptation to say "if you were really sorry you wouldn't do this."
Some people tend to be good about saying that they "know what it's like" to think something is extremely important when no one else understands. That's a gracious thing to say, but it's also an easy one when you're not willing to give up the things you think are important.
Perhaps I should simply never back down? Would that be better? We always talk about the value of self-sacrifice, but is it really only nice because it seems unselfish? We can't deny that selfishness has value too, from self preservation to success, selfishness is way more valued in our society than we often admit. So why do we feel guilty about it, and is it really so horrible that it should be avoided at the cost of things that are really important to us? In the end, I'm not wired that way. I like to give in sometimes, I like to be, and admittedly as much, to seem unselfish and generous.
I was hoping that this posting would help me to work through my feelings, and to feel better. Sometimes expressing my emotions publicly makes me feel satisfied, makes things easier to deal with. I guess it doesn't actually make disappointment or unhappiness go away. I THINK I did the "right" thing, but I feel so bad that I can't help wondering if that can possibly be true. Can bad feelings be the defining feature of having done the right thing, when the right thing is self-sacrifice? Is it wrong to expect appreciation even though being unappreciative is considered wrong too?
I want to be a good person. I also want people to THINK I'm a good person. I want to give things up for the people I love, but I also want to be happy.
Where's the balance? And how do we even know when we've got it right?
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight