Hearts like crazy paving, upside down and back to front...
Hey Kids,
I haven't posted in a while. Having someone move in with you really messes with your regular schedule. But I'm so happy that my life seems to be on a track where I sort of have an idea of where I want it to be for the next few years, and I really like to have that vague outline again. :')
I'm not posting about that now though. I just wanted to talk for a bit about people. People seem really fucked up around me these days. I don't THINK they're really more than they used to be, but every time I meet someone new and get to know them, and lately the people I have been close to for a long time as well, I wonder if there can be any freedom from psychological problems.
I and someone very close to me have both cried recently because we thought we were "not good people." The things we cried about were things that seem silly, and I know they're simply insecurities about being and doing "right" to other people. It seems so easy to think one can be a bad person by accident, though. But you guys have read me griping on and on about this to no end, and in the end,
I wonder sometimes about balances, wonder if some people getting better means others have to get worse. Of course in practical terms it sounds like nonsense. Things just happen, right? There's no cosmic force regulating the balance in the universe, so some are always up and some down. But it does feel like it sometimes, in our limited experience of the world. I am very worried about way too many of my friends for it to be healthy. I want to help everyone and make everyone better, and I can't do it all. I feel really ineffectual most of the time, and I know it's not my responsibility to do anything beyond "being there" for my friends when they need me, I can't stand the idea that I'm not able to do more than just listen.
I wish I could say things that would put people in perspective. Like astute observations that would just carry their wisdom into people's hearts. I think I understand a lot about feelings. I'm intuitive and I'm caring and I really try to understand what people are going through, and I think I'm fairly successful on that front. Unfortunately, (and I know at some point I just have to accept that this is the way things are) I feel like I can't get through to people.
This suddenly feels like a condescending post. I don't know better than anyone, and I don't mean to say I do. I don't have the wisdom to lift people up over the ways that they hurt themselves, even if I am watching them do it, and I feel like I understand why. We all have our little obsessions, I'd say we probably all even have some that hurt us. Mine is my need to be cared about and loved. I want everyone to admire me, to look up to me, and I feel like a desperate failure when I meet someone who doesn't "get" me, or simply doesn't like me. I shouldn't, and I know I shouldn't, but it happens again and again. I try desperately not to let it manifest in me manipulating others, not to let it turn me into an insecure lump of need, and I think that keeping the danger in mind helps. But the obsession doesn't go away. Not completely.
So what of other people's self destructive obsessions? Can we help anyone who really needs it? Is there any way to help the people you love? Is it condescending to think you know better than they do, that they would be better off if they "fixed" things?
I just don't want people to hurt. I feel tied down listening to them. And I listen. It's what I do. But I feel like they desperately want me to say something. Sometimes it's words of wisdom, sometimes they want to be validated in their worries and obsessions. But always I feel like I don't have the power to help, or don't have the right to tell people what's right for them.
Does anyone reading this feel beautiful and happy with who they are?
I really need to hear someone tell me they love themselves, that they're proud to be themselves, before I start to really believe that all we do anymore is make people who can't love themselves, who need and want to be other things, instead of valuing what is wonderful about them.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve oneself, there is nothing wrong with working hard to get better, and to become the person you want to be, but being unhappy with yourself because you value yourself based solely on the things you think you lack, is not only unhealthy, it's dangerous. I want to give everyone a mirror that can only show them a balanced truth. One that takes into account the good and the bad, and cuts through their insecurities to show them what's really there. Most of us would be afraid of that, I think, but we would also be pleasantly surprised at what we saw. It sounds idealistic, but I really believe that.
It looks like I am moving away at the end of the summer. I will deeply miss Winnipeg, and it will be crazy to live somewhere else and not know when I'll be back. There are so many people I would love to bring with me in my luggage. Make sure you make plans with me this summer if you want to see me before I go.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight.
I haven't posted in a while. Having someone move in with you really messes with your regular schedule. But I'm so happy that my life seems to be on a track where I sort of have an idea of where I want it to be for the next few years, and I really like to have that vague outline again. :')
I'm not posting about that now though. I just wanted to talk for a bit about people. People seem really fucked up around me these days. I don't THINK they're really more than they used to be, but every time I meet someone new and get to know them, and lately the people I have been close to for a long time as well, I wonder if there can be any freedom from psychological problems.
I and someone very close to me have both cried recently because we thought we were "not good people." The things we cried about were things that seem silly, and I know they're simply insecurities about being and doing "right" to other people. It seems so easy to think one can be a bad person by accident, though. But you guys have read me griping on and on about this to no end, and in the end,
I wonder sometimes about balances, wonder if some people getting better means others have to get worse. Of course in practical terms it sounds like nonsense. Things just happen, right? There's no cosmic force regulating the balance in the universe, so some are always up and some down. But it does feel like it sometimes, in our limited experience of the world. I am very worried about way too many of my friends for it to be healthy. I want to help everyone and make everyone better, and I can't do it all. I feel really ineffectual most of the time, and I know it's not my responsibility to do anything beyond "being there" for my friends when they need me, I can't stand the idea that I'm not able to do more than just listen.
I wish I could say things that would put people in perspective. Like astute observations that would just carry their wisdom into people's hearts. I think I understand a lot about feelings. I'm intuitive and I'm caring and I really try to understand what people are going through, and I think I'm fairly successful on that front. Unfortunately, (and I know at some point I just have to accept that this is the way things are) I feel like I can't get through to people.
This suddenly feels like a condescending post. I don't know better than anyone, and I don't mean to say I do. I don't have the wisdom to lift people up over the ways that they hurt themselves, even if I am watching them do it, and I feel like I understand why. We all have our little obsessions, I'd say we probably all even have some that hurt us. Mine is my need to be cared about and loved. I want everyone to admire me, to look up to me, and I feel like a desperate failure when I meet someone who doesn't "get" me, or simply doesn't like me. I shouldn't, and I know I shouldn't, but it happens again and again. I try desperately not to let it manifest in me manipulating others, not to let it turn me into an insecure lump of need, and I think that keeping the danger in mind helps. But the obsession doesn't go away. Not completely.
So what of other people's self destructive obsessions? Can we help anyone who really needs it? Is there any way to help the people you love? Is it condescending to think you know better than they do, that they would be better off if they "fixed" things?
I just don't want people to hurt. I feel tied down listening to them. And I listen. It's what I do. But I feel like they desperately want me to say something. Sometimes it's words of wisdom, sometimes they want to be validated in their worries and obsessions. But always I feel like I don't have the power to help, or don't have the right to tell people what's right for them.
Does anyone reading this feel beautiful and happy with who they are?
I really need to hear someone tell me they love themselves, that they're proud to be themselves, before I start to really believe that all we do anymore is make people who can't love themselves, who need and want to be other things, instead of valuing what is wonderful about them.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve oneself, there is nothing wrong with working hard to get better, and to become the person you want to be, but being unhappy with yourself because you value yourself based solely on the things you think you lack, is not only unhealthy, it's dangerous. I want to give everyone a mirror that can only show them a balanced truth. One that takes into account the good and the bad, and cuts through their insecurities to show them what's really there. Most of us would be afraid of that, I think, but we would also be pleasantly surprised at what we saw. It sounds idealistic, but I really believe that.
It looks like I am moving away at the end of the summer. I will deeply miss Winnipeg, and it will be crazy to live somewhere else and not know when I'll be back. There are so many people I would love to bring with me in my luggage. Make sure you make plans with me this summer if you want to see me before I go.
Until Next Time,
I'm Ktwilight.