Prisoners and Merchants
Hey Kids,
I sometimes wake up early in the morning wondering about different paths my life could have taken. I wonder about what ways the choices that I've made in my life have limited me. There are a million cliches about this feeling. It's not quite regret, but like a form of nostalgia for something that never was. A desire for something that could have happened, if you hadn't chosen something else. Some of the things I'm missing never could have been, or would have been lost anyway, but it's the times you have said "maybe one day" that turn into "maybe in another life" that feel the strangest. It's one of those feelings that although you know it is a common thing, it feels like you're the only one who feels it. Like everyone else is so sure about the life their living. That everyone knows what they want, and have made the choices it takes to get there, and that you just sort of.....coast, and hope.
It's probably simply natural for us to doubt ourselves. Often seems like me moreso than anyone, and I wonder if the mistakes I've made will ever really let me move on. Or if the things that I've chosen because they make me happy will ultimately make me sad, and make me miss out on happier things. It's no way to live, to waste the happiness in your life wondering what other things lie out there, and I won't take the things I have for granted, but sometimes I feel like what I'm supposed to do is just put my head down on my desk and close my eyes. I have never been good at letting go of possibility.
I am mostly a very responsible person. I think my job is important, even though it's just a job. If I make promises I always endeavour to keep them. I never outright lie, and I try not to bend the truth. But sometimes I want so badly to be free. But good things, especially people, are like helium balloons, when it comes to this. You can't let go of the string 'cause you need a free hand, and expect the balloon to just be waiting there for you to hold it again. It sometimes makes me feel really disconnected from people that we make all of these demands of one another, that we have caveats and obligations. Don't get me wrong, I like to be able to rely on people, and I see the value in that. I'm not suddenly going to be completely unreliable. (or even a little bit for that matter) Ask and I'll be here, you know that, I hope.
But I start to feel like everything's a barter system. Like you're here because I'll be here and I make promises to you so that you'll make promises to me. I know that it's a balance. That none of us can expect everyone to be selfless so that we can be selfish. Not even sometimes. But it seems like a game we play, instead of really connecting, and really meaning something, we all marry ideas. We all commit to a contract. Is that cynical? I wish making promises always felt as good as telling someone you love them and meaning it, whether it's a promise to a person, or to a cause, or to a job, even.
I don't think I know how to fix this. I don't think there is a way. And sometimes, I don't even think there's a problem. Maybe that's when I'm healthiest, when the balance actually feels right to me, feels fair. Maybe I'm just trying desperately to cling on to being young and selfish, even as I grow up and learn to compromise. I wonder sometimes if life is always going to be this hard. It's not that I'm unhappy, it's just that everything in my life feels like hard work sometimes, and I want to structure it so that at least some things are easy. Maybe you can't have that, and get the things you want at the same time. Some people will tell you that for everything that's worth having, there's hard work that must be done, sacrifices that must be made. Some will even suggest that the sacrifice is what makes the goal worthwhile. I don't know about that. I don't want everything to just fall in my lap. I don't want to feel like I've never achieved anything, but I don't want every success I have to be about how much I sweated or how much of myself I gave up.
I miss a lot of people way out here on the West coast. Some are the people I would see everyday if I hadn't left Winnipeg. Some are the people I never saw anyway, and with whom it feels like a constant battle just to keep in touch, no matter how much we want to. Maybe Christmas will help with that, seeing family and friends.
It's strange, when I lived in England, I was going through one of the hardest times I've been through in my entire life (I guess this Livejournal can attest to that) but I still felt so at home there, even though I was so lonely. Lately I feel so disconnected from things, that I wonder if all of that hell taught me to shut the desperate, overpowering part of me off, so that I could just get along. I love this city, it is exciting and fun and alive. I love the wet weather and I love the trees in the neighbourhood and I love the apartment. But I feel like I'm walking in a dream. Like all of this is just a story I'm telling that is going to end soon, and I'll go back to my old room in my old place and everything will go back to being the way it was. Maybe we always feel that way when things change? Maybe I'm at a stage where I'll feel like I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I'm just in a mood right now. Goodness I hope no one is wasting their time reading all of this.
Soft the breaking thunder sounds
outside the walls that wrap around
though this prison keeps us bound
tonight it keeps us safe.
Until next time,
~I'm Ktwilight.
I sometimes wake up early in the morning wondering about different paths my life could have taken. I wonder about what ways the choices that I've made in my life have limited me. There are a million cliches about this feeling. It's not quite regret, but like a form of nostalgia for something that never was. A desire for something that could have happened, if you hadn't chosen something else. Some of the things I'm missing never could have been, or would have been lost anyway, but it's the times you have said "maybe one day" that turn into "maybe in another life" that feel the strangest. It's one of those feelings that although you know it is a common thing, it feels like you're the only one who feels it. Like everyone else is so sure about the life their living. That everyone knows what they want, and have made the choices it takes to get there, and that you just sort of.....coast, and hope.
It's probably simply natural for us to doubt ourselves. Often seems like me moreso than anyone, and I wonder if the mistakes I've made will ever really let me move on. Or if the things that I've chosen because they make me happy will ultimately make me sad, and make me miss out on happier things. It's no way to live, to waste the happiness in your life wondering what other things lie out there, and I won't take the things I have for granted, but sometimes I feel like what I'm supposed to do is just put my head down on my desk and close my eyes. I have never been good at letting go of possibility.
I am mostly a very responsible person. I think my job is important, even though it's just a job. If I make promises I always endeavour to keep them. I never outright lie, and I try not to bend the truth. But sometimes I want so badly to be free. But good things, especially people, are like helium balloons, when it comes to this. You can't let go of the string 'cause you need a free hand, and expect the balloon to just be waiting there for you to hold it again. It sometimes makes me feel really disconnected from people that we make all of these demands of one another, that we have caveats and obligations. Don't get me wrong, I like to be able to rely on people, and I see the value in that. I'm not suddenly going to be completely unreliable. (or even a little bit for that matter) Ask and I'll be here, you know that, I hope.
But I start to feel like everything's a barter system. Like you're here because I'll be here and I make promises to you so that you'll make promises to me. I know that it's a balance. That none of us can expect everyone to be selfless so that we can be selfish. Not even sometimes. But it seems like a game we play, instead of really connecting, and really meaning something, we all marry ideas. We all commit to a contract. Is that cynical? I wish making promises always felt as good as telling someone you love them and meaning it, whether it's a promise to a person, or to a cause, or to a job, even.
I don't think I know how to fix this. I don't think there is a way. And sometimes, I don't even think there's a problem. Maybe that's when I'm healthiest, when the balance actually feels right to me, feels fair. Maybe I'm just trying desperately to cling on to being young and selfish, even as I grow up and learn to compromise. I wonder sometimes if life is always going to be this hard. It's not that I'm unhappy, it's just that everything in my life feels like hard work sometimes, and I want to structure it so that at least some things are easy. Maybe you can't have that, and get the things you want at the same time. Some people will tell you that for everything that's worth having, there's hard work that must be done, sacrifices that must be made. Some will even suggest that the sacrifice is what makes the goal worthwhile. I don't know about that. I don't want everything to just fall in my lap. I don't want to feel like I've never achieved anything, but I don't want every success I have to be about how much I sweated or how much of myself I gave up.
I miss a lot of people way out here on the West coast. Some are the people I would see everyday if I hadn't left Winnipeg. Some are the people I never saw anyway, and with whom it feels like a constant battle just to keep in touch, no matter how much we want to. Maybe Christmas will help with that, seeing family and friends.
It's strange, when I lived in England, I was going through one of the hardest times I've been through in my entire life (I guess this Livejournal can attest to that) but I still felt so at home there, even though I was so lonely. Lately I feel so disconnected from things, that I wonder if all of that hell taught me to shut the desperate, overpowering part of me off, so that I could just get along. I love this city, it is exciting and fun and alive. I love the wet weather and I love the trees in the neighbourhood and I love the apartment. But I feel like I'm walking in a dream. Like all of this is just a story I'm telling that is going to end soon, and I'll go back to my old room in my old place and everything will go back to being the way it was. Maybe we always feel that way when things change? Maybe I'm at a stage where I'll feel like I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I'm just in a mood right now. Goodness I hope no one is wasting their time reading all of this.
Soft the breaking thunder sounds
outside the walls that wrap around
though this prison keeps us bound
tonight it keeps us safe.
Until next time,
~I'm Ktwilight.