My incredibly ordinary disappointing selfish self *rambing warning*
So another birthday has come and gone...big whoop. The older I get, the more it matters inside, and the more disappointed I get with the outward reality. I suppose, in my way of thinking, I make a deal out of my loved one's birthdays - dinner, cake, cards, presents, smiles - but when it comes to my own, it's rarely (if ever) the same celebration for me. Maybe I expect too much, or maybe I just make too big a deal out of everyone else's, and feel they ought to do the same for me - I dunno. Anyhow, sweetie did do me proud - got me a cake and a beautiful card...no gift though. I can't remember the last time I actually got an actual birthday gift from anyone other than my lunch gals. Kinda hurts inside, but I'm getting used to it/coming to a realization it ain't gonna happen, so why expect it? Maybe that little hopeful glimmer is slowly extinguishing. So, yeah, I was very happy about the cake and all. Bek called around quarter to 5, I was at the bank and couldn't grab the call in time, so I got back to the car and she was on his phone, so I talked to her then. Was nice - she remembered. Scott finally called at about a quarter past 10 pm - he said he was busy at work but wanted to call and say happy birthday. Better late than never! I'm glad the kids didn't forget - I know they're so busy with their own lives, that I should really be an afterthought at this stage of the game...then again, that whole selfish I-make-a-big-fuss-over-you-and-I'd-like-for-you-to-do-the-same-after-all-I-AM-your-mother thing kicks in...::sigh::. I really do feel selfish about it. And I'm ashamed of that...realistically, maybe I should lower my expectations and just swallow that this is the way it's gonna be from now on. I always get accused of all I do is bitch bitch bitch. I'm sure that will also get applied to this post.....but, fuck it - it's my journal and I can use it to vent like others do, right? I dunno...all mumbled up inside. Then Sunday, went for my usual birthday dinner. Went down to Scott's, so I chose LoneStar since we were down there rather than up here. I was so looking forward to that awesome prime rib I had there a couple of years ago - it was amazing! First, Bek called to get some info for her fin aid....damn! I forgot to bring mine, have to get it to her today...anyhow, she's talking, and I'm making small talk, asking how work is going...come to find out she quit her job a couple of weeks ago. Well, damn! I had no idea she'd quit! So I ask about it, why, and all - your basic questions, wasn't being bitchy, just tryin to understand - and she gets annoyed with me. Probably thinking I'm such a bitch again. I really don't understand why she thinks I'm such a bitch - I've really been trying to not be annoying, or judgemental..I mean, she's an adult, it's her life, she's going to live it the way she chooses, and it's not up to me to tell her anything anymore regarding that - so I butt out as much as possible in that way. But, quitting the job a couple weeks ago and just learning about it now puzzled me...hence my asking why. I wasn't trying to be annoying, I was just wondering what prompted the decision. After she hung up I did learn what happened, but sweetie felt it 'wasn't his place' to tell me about it. WTF? Not his place? This wasn't a minor thing, yanno! I just don't get it. I feel so left out and uninformed - like I don't matter to be told the major things, like I'm incapable of a serious conversation because I'm so fucking 'critical'...I honestly don't think I'm that awful, and I really try not to be, but just to listen and let it be - instead, I'm viewed as a battleax? I don't understand how or why this happened. Certainly was never my intent, and certainly not the kind of mother/daughter (or, for that matter, mother/son) relationship I had in mind. I'd always hoped for one, strived for one like my mom and I - we could talk for hours about anything and I never got annoyed with her to the extent that my kids seem to be with me. Anyhow, I got off the track, let me return...so, anyway, after the call I'm kind of in a sullen mood, thinking about the situation, wondering why, wondering why I was never told, all on two hours of sleep - I dozed off. Slept a bit then headed off to my prime rib dinner a little before 3...we get there and I'm searching the menu and searching the menu for my PR - don't see it. Ask the waitress - 'Oh, we don't have that anymore - corporate decided to discontinue it'. BLAH! I'd been working up a taste for prime rib for a week now! So I chose a ribeye and a baked sweet potato, and steamed broccoli. When it arrived, it was just okay...nothing outstanding, nothing exciting, just a basic steak. Definitely not worth the price they wanted for it. I probably won't be going back. Lonestar went from a damn good place to a cookie-cutter steakhouse. We left, and the rain and wind was really obnoxious. Stopped at BB&Beyond and Walmart and got a couple things. Got back to the apartment and watched more of Dirty Jobs 4 and checked my email...left about 9:15 pm in the middle of a blinding snowstorm - WTF!! The weathermen certainly missed the mark on this one - they ALL were calling for heavy snow and WW advisories for the counties along the IL/WI border - down south was only supposed to be an inch, at most, and where Scott lives, even less than that. HA! The storm arrived just the opposite. The roads were awful, so we took the interstate since the traffic volume was greater and the roads would probably even be plowed there. It took over 45 minutes for what normally is a 15 to 20 minute drive. I was white-knuckled all the way. Very glad to crawl into my own bed and sleeeeeeep. Sadly, that's what I enjoy lately - doing a puzzle or three, getting drowsy and drifting off. Maybe it's avoidance, maybe it's stress - I know I have to change this, but I'm just not up to it quite yet. I'll get better with it all - I have the images in my head, and visualization is just one part of the process. My self-esteem is battered enough, and it's high time for it to end this. I'm a valuable, worthwhile person, and I deserve to be treated as such, even if I'm the only one doing it. Here's hoping.