Living the fifties ideal
It is often disconcerting to be living the lifestyle espoused by people whose views I generally don't agree with. While I was pregnant my mother-in-law mentioned how happy she was that all of her daughter-in-laws were staying home with their kids. I made some agreeable noises, and I certainly believe that if one of the parents wants to stay home, then that is a great situation and worth some financial sacrifices. But staying home is not magically better than working out of the home. You can stay at home and be a lousy parent (I know I am some days) and you can go to work and be a wonderful parent(as maxemulien does and is.)
Acting as if there is only one true way to raise happy healthy kids really irritates me, and it is extra hard when people say things along the lines of "it's so good that you're staying home with your baby," because I want to tell them they're wrong, but I'm really not sure how to phrase it. I mean, on the surface I agree with them. I'm very glad to be at home with Raine and I do think the arrangement is a good one--otherwise I would try to change it. But there is a whole layer of assumptions that I don't agree with, and it irritates me that by living my life the way I do, I'm tacitly approving of those assumptions.
Of course changing my life just to defy an outmoded stereotype seems stupid, since I'm currently living the life I want, and have always wanted. Granted it's not perfect, and my vision of what I want out of my life has changed* over the years. But at heart what I have always wanted most in the world was to be a mom, and while the reality is challenging in ways I never imagined, it is also intensely satisfying and very, very right. So messing that up to make a statement is just plain silly. It just makes me feel like a bad feminist** sometimes.
There is also the part of me that is frankly a coward, and I am relieved that I don't have to fight with my mother-in-law or my father about how I raise my daughter. And then I feel somewhat guilty, because the path I've chosen has less resistance, and I wish everyones choices were embraced as easily. Why can't we all just treat each other like unique individuals and free thinking adults?
*During my parent's divorce my father said in a kind of smug yet baffled tone, "Your mother told me what she wanted out of life was to be barefoot and pregnant, and I think I did a pretty job giving her that." I don't remember what I said in response, but my two thoughts were a) it isn't unreasonable to have ones life goals change over the course of twenty years and b) I'm sixteen and she hasn't been pregnant since I was born, so you haven't really been doing such a great job lately.
**In high school, I didn't even identify as a feminist, because I couldn't mesh my life goals with what I saw as the ideals of feminism, but I now have a broader understanding of what it means to be both a woman and an adult, which is really what feminism means to me these days--treating women like fully functional adults.
Acting as if there is only one true way to raise happy healthy kids really irritates me, and it is extra hard when people say things along the lines of "it's so good that you're staying home with your baby," because I want to tell them they're wrong, but I'm really not sure how to phrase it. I mean, on the surface I agree with them. I'm very glad to be at home with Raine and I do think the arrangement is a good one--otherwise I would try to change it. But there is a whole layer of assumptions that I don't agree with, and it irritates me that by living my life the way I do, I'm tacitly approving of those assumptions.
Of course changing my life just to defy an outmoded stereotype seems stupid, since I'm currently living the life I want, and have always wanted. Granted it's not perfect, and my vision of what I want out of my life has changed* over the years. But at heart what I have always wanted most in the world was to be a mom, and while the reality is challenging in ways I never imagined, it is also intensely satisfying and very, very right. So messing that up to make a statement is just plain silly. It just makes me feel like a bad feminist** sometimes.
There is also the part of me that is frankly a coward, and I am relieved that I don't have to fight with my mother-in-law or my father about how I raise my daughter. And then I feel somewhat guilty, because the path I've chosen has less resistance, and I wish everyones choices were embraced as easily. Why can't we all just treat each other like unique individuals and free thinking adults?
*During my parent's divorce my father said in a kind of smug yet baffled tone, "Your mother told me what she wanted out of life was to be barefoot and pregnant, and I think I did a pretty job giving her that." I don't remember what I said in response, but my two thoughts were a) it isn't unreasonable to have ones life goals change over the course of twenty years and b) I'm sixteen and she hasn't been pregnant since I was born, so you haven't really been doing such a great job lately.
**In high school, I didn't even identify as a feminist, because I couldn't mesh my life goals with what I saw as the ideals of feminism, but I now have a broader understanding of what it means to be both a woman and an adult, which is really what feminism means to me these days--treating women like fully functional adults.