(no subject)
There is massive upheaval in my mind. I am bursting at the seams with someone's excitement.
Jessica is a very nice person, honestly, she's everything Justin could ever be and more and you'll have plenty of opportunity to make judgments of her character for yourself next year.
I am not delusional. I am not being irrational. I do not expect a warm welcome, I do not expect to be treated equally or treated well or treated in any way how I would like to be treated. I am discarding a year's social comforts to test the limits of people and of my rights as a person and to test waters that will dictate my perceptions of irreversible actions that will dictate the rest of my life.
Everything is already set in motion. I am the driving force behind the machine at every step, it's my decisions to step forward or backward, and there is a fulfillment to be had merely for putting my weight behind my decisions for the first time in forever.
Jessica is a very nice person and a very well-rounded human being and she is going to do incredible things with her life and be incredibly happy sometime, someday. The hardest part is waiting patiently for that day to come and realizing the futility of trying to rearrange the calendar. But the inclusion of the 2005/2006 school year on that calendar, I feel and Dave feels and most importantly I feel, is not futility.
It is something akin to progress, on some path, and for it, for better or for worse, I will be a better person.
So don't try and talk me out of it.
(And no, there are no punches pulled here. Barring an unforeseen change of plans, there will not be a Justin Heba at the Academies next year. I know a few of you have been keeping up with these last few entries, maybe even inadvertantly, and I'd like you to know I am more or less confiding in you.)
(I am not assuming confidentiality, though it'd be appreciated. All that I ask is if you have kept up with these last few entries, and you are from the Academy, and you haven't said anything to me, I'd like you to comment something or say something or anything.)
(Your approval or disapproval will not change me, no, but it may calm me or reassure me or make me happy or bring me back down to Earth. My friends are important to me, will become more important than ever next year, and if you're here I'd like to know you're here. So show of hands, via voices.)
I CAN'T WAIT. I WANT TO RUN DOWN THE HALLS TOMORROW AND JUST SHOUT IT OUT, LAY MYSELF OUT IN FRONT OF THE WORLD TO BE TAKEN AS I AM. THE PRICE OF MY SELF-LIBERATION HAS BECOME IRRELEVANT.
My name is Jessica and someday I'm going to love every day of my life with an unprecedented vigor. Until then, I am content to try my best.
Change is constant but slow and gradual but appropriately so. I hate it.