Maybe it's better to live and sleep in constant dreamscapes.
Despite all the shit that i've been going through these past months, for some reason i feel like the clouds are finally spreading.
If you don't feel like hearing me rant, then leave now.
The summer of 8th grade is when it all started. During the year, I had been playing with my band, Audio Suicide (don't ask) we were decent. We played a graduation party for this girl, Laine. That was the night I met Alyssa. She was gorgeous. I couldn't help but stare at her all night. We exchanged a few words here and there, but for the most part I was quiet. Sometimes I would go up to Super G to skate, and i'd see her with Liz, and we'd talk. It happened on and off like that all summer pretty much. At the end of August, Tony, Liz, Alyssa, and I all went to the St. Joanne of Arc carnival. It was a great night, we went on rides, won goldfish, got attacked by dogs, laid on hills. While waiting for our ride at the gas station, we held hands, and I couldn't have been happier. I finally built up the courage to ask her out on the first day of school, September 4th, 2002. A little more than 2 years ago, and now look at me. I went from a kid who had everything he could possibly want to a worthless piece of shit with nothing but a little bit of hope. What happened between those two years that made everything go so wrong? Was it my jealousy? Was I a bad boyfriend? I tried to give her everything, but obviously I wasn't enough.
I had a few friends, maybe 4 or 5, yet I was so content with life. Now I find myself not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to do anything. The time im happy is when im at a show, or playing music. Since August, I've been alone pretty much. Trying to search for my true self, something that hid deep inside. I still haven't found it, and I'm not sure if I ever will. All I know is I love all of my friends. Deeneille, Veronica, Kelley, Brando, Mitchell, all of my show buddies ( including meyers, even though you suck at dancing ) Chris, Brian, Judd, for letting me play with Direction North. Our shows were so fun, Im really sad to to see it go. Even Alyssa, though we've been through some tough shit, I still love you. Anybody whom I forgot to mention, I love you.
My biggest fear is to die alone, and you guys make me feel like everything is going to be alright.
I love you all.