YJ fic: How Not To Blow Your Not-Secret Identity, by kuonji (G)
Title: How Not To Blow Your Not-Secret Identity
Author: kuonji
Fandom: Young Justice (comics)
Characters: Superboy, Impulse, Robin
Pairings: none
Category: humor
Rating: G
Words: ~780
Summary: "Are you guys insane?" "Um, no?" "Aw, come on, I'll split the grape with you."
How Not To Blow Your Not-Secret Identity
by kuonji
"Yo, check it!"
"What? What is it?"
"Zesti's sponsoring a Superboy Look-A-Like contest!"
"Ooooh. Congrats, man. That reminds me, there was a group of people once who all dressed up like the Flash and ran a relay race around a bunch of landmarks in New York. That was really fun."
"Fans, man. Gotta love 'em."
"Yup."
"So the winner of this contest gets a lifetime supply of Zesti Cola."
"Wow, that'd be awesome. I like the lime flavor. I can chug a gallon at a time."
"Seriously? You should totally do it. I'll bring some next time."
"Really? Cool!"
"Yeah, but anyway... You know what would be even cooler?"
"What?"
"A lifetime supply of Zesti Cola!"
"Yeah? But how-- Oh!"
"It says here they give you assorted flavors. You can have the lime, if you want. I like cherry and grape."
"Deal! I'll go get-- the camera. Okay, strike a pose. Hey, you can't fly, remember?"
"Oh, yeah. What do you think a kid who isn't me but trying to look like me would do?"
"Hm... Let's ask Robin. He's kind of a normal kid, right?"
***
FORTY-NINE SECONDS LATER
"Are you guys insane?"
"Um, no?"
"Aw, come on, I'll split the grape with you."
"That's not-- Okay, look, first of all, you need to have a civilian identity to claim the prize. What are you going to do, put down Superboy Headquarters for your return address?"
"Oh, yeah."
"You can use my address."
"All right!"
"And also! We're the good guys. We're not supposed to cheat."
"This from the guy who always wins when we play poker?"
"Yeah!"
"I can't help it if you two have tells that can be read from space. And speaking of cheating, who was using his super-speed to peek at everyone else's cards?"
"Not me!"
"Not me!"
"Um..."
"Uh...?"
"The point is, you'd be doing something wrong for personal gain, plus you'd be compromising Impulse's secret identity."
"Good point. How about we use yours instead? You've got a normal life and stuff, right? If they checked? You don't even have to tell us your real name and address. Just split the winnings with us. We'll do it even, one-third each."
"I am not going to send in some crazy contest entry for you!"
"How about 50-50. Impulse, that okay with you?"
"Okay. But I still get your share of the lime, right?"
"Sure."
"..."
"I don't think he's going to help us, Superboy."
"Yeah."
"He's doing his Batman thing again."
"Yeah, with the glower and everything. We should tell him it doesn't work."
"Hello, I'm still standing right here!"
"I just realized, it makes him look like one of those evil monkeys from that movie."
"The Wizard of Oz?"
"No, the other one."
"Planet of the Apes?"
"That's the one. Hey, you think Grodd and his mob will take over the world some day?"
"His band."
"Say what?"
"A group of gorillas is called a band. I always think that's funny because then I imagine Grodd playing the keyboard."
"That is pretty funny. Hey, you know what? We should start a band. I'll sing lead."
"I'll play the drums! I've wanted to try that for weeks. Robin, what do you want to play?"
"Guys!"
"Right, yeah, focus! How are we going to enter this thing?"
"That's not what I meant! Superboy, Impulse, you can't--"
"I could hand-deliever it and tell them I'm doing it for a friend. I'll pick up the prize in person, too."
"Naw, too obvious. They know you and me work together. Maybe we can just make up someone."
"Or maybe we can use my neighbor's address."
"Yeah, tell him it's for a good cause!"
"Will we have to share the prize with him?"
"Yeah, probably. Darn. Get your uncle to do it."
"I don't think he will."
"You two aren't even listening to me, are you?"
"What about a P.O. Box or something? Oh, but you have to be an adult to get one of those."
"I'll bet Rob knows how."
"Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. This is a crazy, stupid idea."
"Robin? Aw, don't be mad."
"Let him go. We can figure this out ourselves, right?"
"Yeah!"
***
TWO AND A HALF MONTHS LATER
"Superboy! Superboy, look! We got a letter from Zesti!"
"Slammin'! Get ready for some chuggin'. Hey, what...?"
"What is it? When are they going to send it?"
"This is so bogus!"
"Let me see-- Oh!"
"Hi, guys. Is that a letter from Zesti Cola?! Don't tell me you entered the contest after all!"
"It doesn't matter."
"What do you mean?"
"He didn't win!"
"..."
"It's not that funny!"
"It... really is."
"Oh, shut up."
END.
If you enjoyed this story, you might try these:
A Story With A Capital 'S' (Or Two) (Nightwing, Teen Titans v3), by kuonji
Put Your Fist Here (Young Justice cartoon), by Traincat
Author: kuonji
Fandom: Young Justice (comics)
Characters: Superboy, Impulse, Robin
Pairings: none
Category: humor
Rating: G
Words: ~780
Summary: "Are you guys insane?" "Um, no?" "Aw, come on, I'll split the grape with you."
How Not To Blow Your Not-Secret Identity
by kuonji
"Yo, check it!"
"What? What is it?"
"Zesti's sponsoring a Superboy Look-A-Like contest!"
"Ooooh. Congrats, man. That reminds me, there was a group of people once who all dressed up like the Flash and ran a relay race around a bunch of landmarks in New York. That was really fun."
"Fans, man. Gotta love 'em."
"Yup."
"So the winner of this contest gets a lifetime supply of Zesti Cola."
"Wow, that'd be awesome. I like the lime flavor. I can chug a gallon at a time."
"Seriously? You should totally do it. I'll bring some next time."
"Really? Cool!"
"Yeah, but anyway... You know what would be even cooler?"
"What?"
"A lifetime supply of Zesti Cola!"
"Yeah? But how-- Oh!"
"It says here they give you assorted flavors. You can have the lime, if you want. I like cherry and grape."
"Deal! I'll go get-- the camera. Okay, strike a pose. Hey, you can't fly, remember?"
"Oh, yeah. What do you think a kid who isn't me but trying to look like me would do?"
"Hm... Let's ask Robin. He's kind of a normal kid, right?"
***
FORTY-NINE SECONDS LATER
"Are you guys insane?"
"Um, no?"
"Aw, come on, I'll split the grape with you."
"That's not-- Okay, look, first of all, you need to have a civilian identity to claim the prize. What are you going to do, put down Superboy Headquarters for your return address?"
"Oh, yeah."
"You can use my address."
"All right!"
"And also! We're the good guys. We're not supposed to cheat."
"This from the guy who always wins when we play poker?"
"Yeah!"
"I can't help it if you two have tells that can be read from space. And speaking of cheating, who was using his super-speed to peek at everyone else's cards?"
"Not me!"
"Not me!"
"Um..."
"Uh...?"
"The point is, you'd be doing something wrong for personal gain, plus you'd be compromising Impulse's secret identity."
"Good point. How about we use yours instead? You've got a normal life and stuff, right? If they checked? You don't even have to tell us your real name and address. Just split the winnings with us. We'll do it even, one-third each."
"I am not going to send in some crazy contest entry for you!"
"How about 50-50. Impulse, that okay with you?"
"Okay. But I still get your share of the lime, right?"
"Sure."
"..."
"I don't think he's going to help us, Superboy."
"Yeah."
"He's doing his Batman thing again."
"Yeah, with the glower and everything. We should tell him it doesn't work."
"Hello, I'm still standing right here!"
"I just realized, it makes him look like one of those evil monkeys from that movie."
"The Wizard of Oz?"
"No, the other one."
"Planet of the Apes?"
"That's the one. Hey, you think Grodd and his mob will take over the world some day?"
"His band."
"Say what?"
"A group of gorillas is called a band. I always think that's funny because then I imagine Grodd playing the keyboard."
"That is pretty funny. Hey, you know what? We should start a band. I'll sing lead."
"I'll play the drums! I've wanted to try that for weeks. Robin, what do you want to play?"
"Guys!"
"Right, yeah, focus! How are we going to enter this thing?"
"That's not what I meant! Superboy, Impulse, you can't--"
"I could hand-deliever it and tell them I'm doing it for a friend. I'll pick up the prize in person, too."
"Naw, too obvious. They know you and me work together. Maybe we can just make up someone."
"Or maybe we can use my neighbor's address."
"Yeah, tell him it's for a good cause!"
"Will we have to share the prize with him?"
"Yeah, probably. Darn. Get your uncle to do it."
"I don't think he will."
"You two aren't even listening to me, are you?"
"What about a P.O. Box or something? Oh, but you have to be an adult to get one of those."
"I'll bet Rob knows how."
"Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you. This is a crazy, stupid idea."
"Robin? Aw, don't be mad."
"Let him go. We can figure this out ourselves, right?"
"Yeah!"
***
TWO AND A HALF MONTHS LATER
"Superboy! Superboy, look! We got a letter from Zesti!"
"Slammin'! Get ready for some chuggin'. Hey, what...?"
"What is it? When are they going to send it?"
"This is so bogus!"
"Let me see-- Oh!"
"Hi, guys. Is that a letter from Zesti Cola?! Don't tell me you entered the contest after all!"
"It doesn't matter."
"What do you mean?"
"He didn't win!"
"..."
"It's not that funny!"
"It... really is."
"Oh, shut up."
END.
If you enjoyed this story, you might try these:
A Story With A Capital 'S' (Or Two) (Nightwing, Teen Titans v3), by kuonji
Put Your Fist Here (Young Justice cartoon), by Traincat