My Mental Health is Slipping
I am waiting for the next available center with the chat suicide preventionlifeline.org. I've been waiting for a while.
I want to kill myself. I just think everyone would be better off. At first I think they would be sad, but once the dust settles, they will realize I'm a horrible person. My husband will be grateful I won't be around to yell at him any more, my sister will be grateful I won't be around to make her feel shamed anymore, work will be grateful I won't bring down morale any more, the world will be grateful for one less person in it. I should it before I have kids and fuck them up. I should do it before I feel better and convince myself it's ok, and then I come back here.This space, where my head always is.
I spent the summer in a mental hospital. 24 hour care as I worked with therapists and psychiatrists and groups. I thought it would help or at least make a difference. It hasn't. I'm still just as shitty as before I went. I speak to a therapist 3x a week, I go to a group every Wednessday, I take medication, I see a psychiatrist, and I try to do the things I'm suppose to. Yet... I still just want to die. I still get so mad I scream cruel things at those I love. How can you really claim to love someone if you treat them the way I treat them? I still get so upset I eat everything and then vomit. I still skip medications and promise to do better. I try to do things that should make me feel better and don't. This summer was a waste and the only thing I think about is how I wasted money, how I wasted time, and how all I have ever done is take up space and other people's efforts for nothing.
I'm useless.
It was hard when my dad did it, and deep down I think I know I will hurt others and this is selfish. Then there is a part of me that knows I can't ever get out of this hole that I have lived in for so long and I just want to be burried in it so I don't have to be teased by the sun above that I will never be able to see again any more.
Nothing works, if kimo fails, they let you opt in for a less painful option. You can legally commit suicide if it's terminal and treatments aren't working. Is this really any different?
Still on hold, I know no one will read this either. I know that tomorrow I will feel guilty all day for yelling at Steve. I know I will feel stress all day for the things I feel I have to do. I will feel sick from the things I did today. I know tomorrow I will want to die, and regret not doing it today.
Once your dead, it's over. Maybe it will hurt my sister and mom who have been through a lot. Maybe they will follow. That should sadden me, but at the same time, I feel that it's the solution and I can't control how others react. Maybe it's just better. There is no pain after death, there is no regrets. Just death. I don't believe in an after life, I just believe there is nothing. I want nothing. I want it to end, and trying to end it with help isn't working.
Still on hold.
Its still searching for a next center.
Maybe that's a sign?