and the blood drains out of my body.

Oh fuck. Why couldn't I have paid more goddamn attention?

I have the acute feeling that people are laughing at me, and I want to make them feel intense pain. Being home is wonderful, I don't have to cook for myself or have any responsibility other than to clean up and go to work when it's required of me. And I absolutely despise myself and my reliance on the insulation of my family, it's a crutch keeping ( Read more... )

I'm very happy to go home and have a huge change of pace. I'm falling into the same pattern I do this time of year; rapid loss of motivation and desire to do something new and interesting ( Read more... )

It was the Northwestern tournament last weekend, two days in Evanston, and I think it's the best day Men's Epee has had at any tournament I've been to. We went 8-1 all day, only losing to Northwestern, and I was 14-4. I lost to Davidson Barr and another NU fencer, and then later in the day to Chicago's Finnegan and Kane (I am not happy about that ( Read more... )

Sometimes I completely hate my life.

This has been a rather pathetic week, it really felt like I was just going through the motions. It was wonderful to get back to fencing and focus on doing what I loved, and Northwestern next weekend will be even better- my first tournament as a squad captain. I hope I don't screw up any bout sheets and play it right ( Read more... )

I am struggling with the slow realization that there is little of meaning in our lives. The complete futility of our short, unhappy, difficult lives. We will grow up, spend our lives working and suffering, with brief spots of what we think is happiness, and then we will die ( Read more... )

A Short Story"It's really cold out. Your scarf looks warm." He had a half-smile on his face, but I didn't notice ( Read more... )

I was deceived, and greatly
By joy for which I longed,
And granted lately.

I was deceived, and rightly
By words and thoughts so sweet,
The mornings passed brightly.

I was deceived, and sadly
Such time passed by,
I plunged too deep, and madly.

Had I seen the end was clear,
Would I have given time so dear?
I deceived myself, and fully.

Were I the sort of person who believed in a god that put his hand on our daily lives I would curse him unendingly for the pain he inflicts. Job was the worst of fools to shrug and say "Praise the Lord."

To be so stupid, that I could blame my misfortune on anyone other than myself! I would kill a hundred to be able to shrug my shoulders and ignore ( Read more... )