Strut It, Flaunt It! (for konnichipuu)
Happy Birthday, konnichipuu !
That's right, I finally wrote a crack fic based on that lovely crack fanart of yours.
For any of you familiar with Kobato anime, another work of CLAMP, the gang (post series) arrives in her world and spends a day and night there. It was never clear what Fai and Kurogane did to earn money to help out Kobato, so this fic answers that. One of the running jokes of that episode is how similar Kurogane and Ioryogi (Kobato's stuffed dog companion) voices are - which is true because Tetsu Inada is the seiyuu for both characters.
Title: Strut It, Flaunt It!
Rating: PG/PG-13
Warnings: Outrageous undergarments, chipper stylist, wicked photographer/designer
"It sure is a nice day," Fai commented. He and Kurogane were strolling down a sidewalk in a district. The weather was cold and the air was frosty as it was winter time, but for now it was not snowing. Fortunately the outfits that they received from Clow Country were very practical with the cloaks helping them stay warm. Yet their desert clothing really made them stood out and thus they garnered a lot of unwarranted attention from the people walking by. Naturally Kurogane would give them a piece of their own medicine by staring back at them with his own fierce glare.
When the two plus Syaoran and Mokona landed in this world, they ran into a girl who offered to let them stay at her place. However she desperately wanted to gather money to buy supplies to make chocolate at the nursery she volunteered at for Valentine's Day, which was tomorrow. So Fai hatched a plan that to repay her for her hospitality all of them would help her secure enough funding. Syaoran and Mokona went to the bakery to assist her, leaving Fai and Kurogane scrambling around to find a temporary job.
"Excuse me, are you two cosplaying by any chance?" a delicate, yet an oddly familiar voice asked from behind them.
"For the last time, we are not-" the ninja began as the two turned around. Who they saw made him stop.
The young woman had very long black hair with even bangs across her forehead. She was two heads shorter than Kurogane and her eyes were violet. And those eyes were twinkling in bemusement. Make no mistake this was Tomoyo of this word. "T-Tomoyo?" he flustered, still not getting the hang of seeing different incarnations of Nihon's princess in different worlds.
But instead of bearing a confused expression for hearing that a stranger knew her name, this Tomoyo clapped her hands and her eyes twinkled dangerously more. "You knew it was me? The photographer?" she asked the men in awe.
Photographer? Before either could reply, Tomoyo threw her hands into each of theirs one by one and shook them. "Normally I go by Daidouji-san but you may call me Tomoyo-chan if you want," she eagerly said.
Fai always had it easier getting acquainted with people in various words. "Nice to meet you, Tomoyo-chan. My name is Fai and this big man right here is Ioryogi-san."
"It's Kurogane, you idiot," the other hissed in exasperation.
"Oh, are you Ioryogi-san cosplaying as Kurogane or Kurogane-san cosplaying as Ioryogi?" Tomoyo asked in amused innocence.
Before Kurogane could even counter back, Fai playfully wrapped one arm around the taller man's neck and placed the other over his mouth. "Well you see he's dressed up as Kuro-sama. Kuro-sama is known to be a brute ninja who was exiled from his home world but eventually he came to soften up and becomes a good daddy. Kuro-sama is also good in b-"
But Fai was cut off immediately by Kurogane who shooed him off by wrestling the mage's lanky arms off of him. "No, I am Kurogane and I am not cosplaying as anyone!" he insisted.
"Is that so?" Tomoyo blinked, as if she were totally ignorant of their playful banter. "Well then, I'm happy to be acquainted with you Fai-san, Kurogane-san. But…" she mused, clearly interested in them and their outfits, "may I take some photo shoots of the two of you?"
"Eh, I'm so sorry Tomoyo-chan, but Kuro-puu and I are on an important mission to find a job," Fai explained apologetically. Fai especially was dead set on securing money to owe back Kobato and help her for her plans tomorrow. The mage waved jovially with a sheepish grin and he and Kurogane resumed walking, but Tomoyo ran up behind them again.
"But wait," the photographer pleaded, obviously trying to woo them back with her innocent eyes. "I am short of two people for today's shoot. I promise I will pay you two for your service." At that point she clasped her hands and was making a pout to accompany her pleading eyes.
"Wait a minute, I'm not sure," Kurogane tried to reason, but Fai beat him again.
"We'll happily step in, Tomoyo-chan," he offered. "We'll do whatever you want us to do."
Great, Fai had to emphasize on "whatever". That meant it permitted this perky Tomoyo to subject them to any far-fetched thing. If it ended up in the ninja having to get his hair fixed or - gods no, he shuddered at the thought - wear freaking makeup, Kurogane knew who he would give a good beating for revenge.
They watched as Tomoyo put a hand under her chin and observed them, clearly thinking what useful things she could do with them for her supposedly important shoot. With an "aha" expression dawning on her face, she leaned to touch Fai's ponytail. He had decided to grow out his blonde hair again and it was tied with a blue ribbon.
"That's a really pretty ribbon. It compliments your hair, Fai-san," Tomoyo gushed.
"Aww, why thank you, Tomoyo-chan. I'm so flattered!" Fai waved his hand, pretending to be all meek about it.
"I think you would make a great hairstylist, Fai-chan…if you don't mind me calling you that?" Tomoyo peered at Fai with her sparkling eyes.
"Of course you can, Tomoyo-chan," Fai purred contentedly. "I would be happy to style!"
The photographer clapped her hands in delight. "Thank you so much, Fai-chan!" she smiled. "As for you, Kurogane-san…" she whipped her attention to the taller man.
Kurogane felt extraordinarily uneasy as Tomoyo silently scanned him, her brows furrowed in deep concentration. It was obvious she was observing his built, despite the fact that the clothing he wore was made of thick fabric, not to mention he even put on the huge cloak. After mumbling notes to herself, Tomoyo grinned, struck with a solution.
"Oh ho ho, I know just what to do with you," she said, violet eyes flashing maddeningly.
xXx
That's it, Kurogane fumed, someone was going to pay. Big time.
He should have stayed with the kid and the manjuu at that bakery the girl was working at. Who cared if he sucked at baking and hated sweets? Gods he even hated the wafting scent of sugar and other saccharine sweets so much that after they hosted that café he swore he would never set his foot in a bakery again. The situation he was in was so bad that the ninja would willingly put up with the smell, even put up with the silly manjuu and that odd, gruff stuffed dog. Gods, anything but this.
It was bad enough that Tomoyo enlisted Kurogane as the model. Hah, he thought at first, what made her think he would be great for posing in clothes? Horrible memories of Tomoyo-hime demanding that he tried on the latest fashion of hakama and yukata for her back at Shirasagi were burning in the back of his mind. But no, he wasn't even wearing clothes. Nor was he entirely nude either, thank gods, otherwise he would hurt something or even someone badly.
Because Tomoyo worked for a lingerie modeling company. A male lingerie modeling company to be precise. Not only was she in charge of taking pictures for advertisement in catalogs and for, oh gods, readers to pore over, but she also designed them. Kurogane thought this Tomoyo was mad, out of her rocker for finding pleasure in designing men's underwear. Gods, everything was just so wrong! So now Kurogane found himself stripped of his clothes and dignity, being pretty much stark naked except for the tight boxer brief that was squeezing his thighs and his sculpted ass. It was so wrong on all levels that left him feeling vulnerable. He, a proud and strong warrior whittled down to wearing only underwear in front of other people at the whim and mercy of a person with a twisted mind and agenda was just so wrong.
Now he was standing there while everybody else (who was all fully clothed thank you very much) was scrambling around and adjusting everything last minute for the photo shoot. Tomoyo was testing her camera and ordering other assistants for proper arrangements of the set.
"We're almost ready," she informed everyone. "Now we just need one last person…" she noted with another dangerous smile. Turning around to the direction of the dressing room, she cupped her mouth. "Fai-chan!"
"Coming~!" Fai skipped out of his room with his supplies. Kurogane swore he never looked as chipper as now.
"We need to get our model prepped up," Tomoyo commanded.
"Hai!" He continued to skip and run to Kurogane and he pulled out a comb from his apron. "You need a good grooming, Kuro-model. Your good old friend Mr. Comb comes to the rescue!"
"What the hell are you talking about? Me and fucking 'Mr. Comb' are no friends…"
"Eh, no wonder your hair is so unruly," Fai chuckled, grabbing Kurogane's hair ("Let go!") and forcing the stupid comb through it. Hell, the idiot wasn't even combing properly at all; more like he was scratching the teeth on his scalp.
"That better be all, moron," Kurogane snarled once Fai let go of his hair and saw that the stupid comb actually had some broken teeth.
"Not quite yet, Kuro-min," Fai grinned, squeezing out whatever it was from the bottle he also brought over. He slapped his hand on Kurogane's bare stomach and slathered it everywhere. "I thought you need oil for your pretty abs," Fai explained too cheerfully, clearly having the time of his life at the expense of Kurogane's own humiliation and misery. He just glared at Fai. It was all the idiot's fault that they landed themselves in this insanity.
"Chop chop, people, let's get this going!" Tomoyo called to order. "Kurogane-san, stand over there in front of the screen." Grumbling he walked over in front of the set. Tomoyo was readjusting her lens one last time.
"Hyuu~!" Fai whooped.
"Now, Kurogane-san, simply stand where you are like that. Come on now, it's not that hard. Good and lift your chin a bit - yes - that's good, you look all so manly!" Tomoyo guided as she began to snap away.
Tomoyo kept asking him to do ridiculous poses beyond the "yeah, I'm a man" one. There were times he simply put his hands on his waist and then there were the ones he was forced to - why? - lie down on the floor and prop on his elbows as if he was some goddamn pinup model. He swore it kept on going like that for hours and hours and the stupid stylist was not helping either. He kept raving on about how he looked like a god and "oh, look at his bronze abs glinting in the light" and "so chiseled, so sculpted. Who knew underneath all this gruffness was a sexy man?"
Worst of all, being photographed by Tomoyo was unsettling. He had to keep reminding himself. This was not the same Tomoyo as the princess back at home. Tomoyo-hime would never snap away pictures of him being so dressed down like this inane young woman. At least he didn't have to worry that this world Tomoyo was also a dreamseer and could communicate with Tomoyo-hime since the latter gave up her powers a long time ago. Otherwise there would surely be exchanges of pictures of him - oh gods - posing and strutting in only boxer briefs. Gods he would never ever live that down if that happened.
But why did she have to look like Tomoyo-hime?
"Kurogane, you're blushing a lot!" the giggling photographer pointed out. "How could I produce amazing ad shoots if the model is blushing?"
"Don't you have the power to edit them?" Kurogane asked hotly. Goddamn it, he just wanted to be over with this! His wish was granted after Tomoyo stopped at the 1,000 or something like that shot.
"Come on mage, we're going," Kurogane insisted. Gods he was so ready to leave this mad place and go back to the way more calm headed kid.
"Oh ho ho, not so fast! You have to understand Valentine's Day is tomorrow. I can't leave readers disappointed without a special shoot, you know," Tomoyo said. Her eyes were flashing really dangerously.
The petite photographer grabbed Kurogane's arm and dragged him back to the dressing room without even asking. Shutting the door behind them, she went to a chest bin and pulled out a delicate bag with one of her another up-to-no-good design. "I want you to model this, Kurogane," she said as more of an order than a question. Tomoyo took out the next underwear he had to model and presented it to him in its entire un-glorious manner.
No, anything but that! This one, oh gods, was red. And lacy. And the lacy parts were see-through. Except for the crotch area. Hell, even the stupid boxer brief he was in was way more conservative. Who the hell was she to design this scantily perverted undergarment and demand him to pose, yet alone flaunt around in it?
"No," he flat out refused. "Absolutely no."
"If you don't model this, I'm afraid you and Fai-chan will not receive that paycheck," Tomoyo calmly said, although her eyes said so otherwise.
How dare she threaten him! That nice girl who was hosting them all had better understand the horror and humiliation he had to put up with in the name of freaking gratitude and favor and the sickening chocolate party she was going to throw. Scowling, Kurogane snatched the obscene underwear from her hands and went away to change into it, making sure to curse out loud the entire time. Once he was done, he stormed back out to the shoot set where Fai was standing on the side. The blonde idiot made sure to make cat calls the whole freaking time he made his way to where Tomoyo was waiting with her camera.
"Oh. My. God," one of the photo shoot assistants said with her jaws dropped down. What a creep she was, ogling at him! Did anybody at this mad place have any shrew sense of decency? "This has gotta be the best birthday present ever."
xXx
Finally after the whole ordeal Fai and Kurogane arrived back at Kobato's room. She and the kid plus the manjuu and that dog were not back yet - and they won't be until late at night. After closing the door, Fai latched onto Kurogane.
"Kuro-sama always refused to wear sexy underwear for me, so now he got his comeuppance," Fai crooned, tracing his fingers on the other's throat.
"Shut up, mage," Kurogane huffed. "Thank gods when we leave I don't have to deal with those damn photos."
Fai laughed and kissed the other. At least they had time to themselves. Unfortunately for Kurogane, Fai had asked Tomoyo for quick prints of the shoot while Kurogane was changing and used his magic to store them away, just in case he needed them for blackmailing purposes in the future.
-------------
One last note - the random assistant (and the readers Tomoyo keeps referring to) could be any one of us, mwhahaa. Actually my birthday is the day before V-Day so it's also sorta an author's cameo. Shame on me, I know