What You Wish For, Prequel (Part I)
Title: What You Wish For, Prequel (Part I)
Author: alliterationhor
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Spoilers: not a one.
Rating: R.
Status: 1/2.
Author’s note: so this is totally wrong, lol. I knew I'd be wrong, but I thought this would be posted before we found out anything about Fai's past. ah well.
Another note: this ... doesn’t actually have Kurogane in it. but it’s part of the Wish-verse so I think it belongs here. *crosses fingers*
One more note: the prequel was going to be one big post, but it exceeded livejournal's word limit. so, next Monday, part II!
Word count: 6,822
Comments/concrit appreciated.
What You Wish For
Prequel (Part I)
Fai was nine and a half years old the first time he killed someone.
* * *
“Freak!”
“Do not call me a freak!”
“You are a freak! Always making things float! And explode! No one else does that and you are a freak!”
Fai shoved hard and the other boy fell.
“I am not a freak!”
“Are too!” the boy yelled back, and tackled him. “Fai is a big freak!”
Fai and the boy rolled in the snow. Fai managed to climb on top and tried to punch the other boy.
He was so mad he did not even notice that the other children had formed a circle around them, gasping and cheering and booing as any enthralled audience.
“Freak freak freak!” the boy chanted and shoved Fai off him, getting to his feet.
“Stop calling me a freak!!” Fai yelled, shrilly.
Suddenly, the boy stopped. He stopped standing, and fell to the ground. He stopped moving.
Fai got to his feet and stood with his fists curled at his sides, breathing hard.
“Hey.”
No response.
“Hey. Donne.”
Fai took two careful steps toward the boy, certain it was a trick. “Donne. What are you doing? Donne?” He nudged Donne’s shoulder with his boot. “Donne, you big baby. I did not hurt you. Get up.”
Silence.
Someone whispered, “He is not breathing.”
“He is dead!” someone shouted.
Fai looked up to find dozens of eyes on him, all wide and terrified.
“He killed Donne!”
The children started running and screaming-away from Fai.
Fai looked down at Donne again. Donne’s eyes were still open, glassy and empty.
“Good trick, Donne. Now everyone is scared of me.” Fai said, getting angry again. “Ha ha ha, great joke.” He knelt down beside the fallen boy and shook his shoulders roughly. “Come on, Donne. This is not funny anymore! Get up! Donne!”
Fai let go and the boy thumped heavily back onto the snow.
“Donne?” he whispered.
Fai realized Donne was dead.
Fai ran away.
* * *
It was Saraphi who found him, hours later.
Fai was curled into a ball, near hypothermia, tucked under the root of a fallen everblue tree in the forest where they used to play when they were children.
There were tears frozen on his cheeks.
* * *
Fai was not asleep.
He was supposed to be asleep. He should have been asleep hours ago.
But Fai was awake, staring at the darkness that would be the ceiling of his room if there was any light to see by.
It was strange, Fai thought. There was no difference if he had his eyes open or his eyes closed.
It was all black.
* * *
Fai crept out of his bedroom, silent and stealthy. He tiptoed down the hall.
His parents’ bedroom door was open only a few inches. It was enough to let a slant of warm lamplight spill into the hall, piercing the darkness.
Fai sat down beside the door, tucked into the dark. His knees drawn up to his chest; his nightshirt stretched over his knees and legs. His toes were just beyond the edge of the light from the doorway.
He listened; his parents’ voices were hushed, the words not meant for his ears.
“-you think we should do?”
“I do not know.” A sigh. “But you heard what the healer said. The boy was killed with magic.”
His mother’s voice, angry and defiant, “I know what the healer said. He did not mean to do it!”
“I know, love. I know he would never mean to hurt anyone. But we cannot ignore this.”
“We cannot send him away, either. Fai is still our son!”
Soft, “And he killed a boy, June.”
“He did not mean to!”
“And that scares me! Does it not scare you? He did not mean to. But he did.” A pause. Voice low, “We have other children. What if Fai gets angry at Lei? Or Moira, or Saraphi? What if he gets angry at you or me?”
“No.” Voice thick, “Clemence. He would never-”
“He would never mean to. I know he would never mean to.”
A low noise, the rustle of cloth against cloth; a hug.
Whispered, “But he cannot control his magic, June. Have you not noticed, it keeps getting stronger? Fai has to learn how to control it. Before he hurts someone else, or himself.”
“He is your son, Clemence.” A choked sob. “How can you even think ...”
“And as his father, I must do what is best for him, and what is best for my family. I love him as much as any father loves his son.” A pause, a confession; “But right now ... I am afraid of him.”
Fai’s toes were cold.
* * *
The day Fai left his home, the sun was bright and shining.
His father was driving their old horse and cart. Fai was sitting in the back of the cart, angry and sad and silent.
His mother and his brother and his sisters were standing in front of their house as the cart dragged further down the road.
Saraphi ran after them, to the halfway point of the road. She was crying and waving to Fai.
Fai hated everyone in the world.
He would show them. They would all be sorry for this, one day.
One day he would be the greatest wizard in the world. One day everyone would know his name. One day they would be sorry.
One day.
* * *
Fai was twirling a paperweight in the air above his fingers. It was crystal and the sunlight from the window sparked colours as it turned.
“Is that the best you wish to do, Fai?” Augustus asked quietly, from the doorway.
“If you taking the marking off me, then I will learn.”
Fai had given Augustus no cause to believe that; Fai had been his charge for nearly a year without the marking and he had refused to learn.
“If you will learn, we will discuss the removal of your marking.”
It was a familiar exchange; a too familiar impasse.
Fai only kept twirling the paperweight.
* * *
“Fai, wait!”
“It was a stupid idea to come back here!” he called angrily over his shoulder as he kept walking, his strides swift. “I was stupid to even try!”
“Fai, stop!”
Saraphi grabbed his arm and whirled him around to face her. She took a moment to catch her breath, the cold stinging in her lungs.
“Fai, please do not go.”
“You heard father. I am a criminal. The King has banished me.” He shook off her arm and started to turn away. “There is no place for me here.”
Saraphi blocked his way. “You are my brother.” she stated, serious and sincere. “You are not a criminal-not to me.”
Fai smiled a little. “If only your word was law.”
“It was an accident, was it not? You did not mean to-to ... You did not mean to, what happened to Augustus?”
“No! Of course I did not mean to!”
“I believe you.”
“I did not-!” He broke off, and sighed. “I did not know.” he said, quietly. “I did know it was me. Augustus was old, I just thought he was sick. But the healers said ...”
The healers had said that Fai’s grudge against Augustus had become some sort of magical poison. The healers had said that Augustus had died because of him.
“Maybe they are right.” Fai confessed, not looking his sister in the eyes. “I should not be around people, because ... It is too dangerous for me to be around people I care about.”
Saraphi lifted his chin with a gentle hand and stared at him with eyes that were the same clear blue as his own. “I do not want to lose my dearest brother. If you leave, I fear I will never see you again.”
Fai took her hand from his chin, but kept his hold on hers as their hands dropped. “But I cannot stay here, Saraphi.” He sighed wearily, letting sadness take the place of anger. “Father is right; there is no place for me here.”
“Perhaps not now.” she admitted reluctantly. “But I am almost of age. In a year or two I will have my own house, and I will not be bound by mother and father’s decisions.” She smiled brightly, encouragingly, taking his other hand in hers. “You could come back then, and stay with me.”
Fai looked down at their hands and touched the diamond ring on her finger. “You are engaged. To Kno?”
Saraphi nodded, unable to contain a happy, shy smile.
Fai smiled and kissed the back of her hand. “I am happy for you.”
“Thank you.”
“In a year or two, you will be married. You will have a family of your own to think of.” Fai released her hand. “And your husband will not be swayed to harbour a criminal any more than our father was swayed by mother.”
Fai turned and started to walk again, slower now. Saraphi followed, a few steps behind.
“That does not mean-” She broke off and made a helpless, unhappy noise. “Kno likes you, he does-”
“Kno does not like me that much.”
“But you could at least, still come and visit.” She caught his arm again to make him stop walking. “I will not be denied that. I do not care what father or mother or Kno says-”
Fai smiled kindly. “I will be alright, Saraphi. You do not have to worry about me.”
Saraphi frowned, unhappiness written on her face. “You are my brother. And you are only fourteen. You should not be on your own.” A tear slipped from the corner of her eye. “Of course I will worry about you.”
Fai reached up and smoothed the tear away with a gentle thumb. “Do your best not to.”
Before she could protest, Fai stepped closer to her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders.
Saraphi returned the embrace as tightly as she could, fearing this would be the last time she would ever have the chance to hug her brother. She gave a choked laugh against his shoulder. “You know, the last time I saw you, I was taller than you.”
“Guess you are the shortcake now, huh?”
“I do not want you to go. I do not want to say goodbye.”
“Then we will not say goodbye.” Fai released her, and gave his sister a last kiss on her cheek. “Saraphi, I wish you a lifetime of every happiness.”
“I wish you the same.” she whispered.
Fai walked away.
* * *
The heating charm on this coat was wearing off, Fai mused sullenly as he trudged down the snowy road. He would have to steal another one when he got to the next town.
Fai did not allow himself to think of Saraphi, often. Or her offer of a place to stay. If he went back to Veren, he would only have to leave again. He did not want to return to a place where he would want to stay; he did not want to return to a place he would regret leaving.
There was one person in this world he would not cause trouble, and that was Saraphi. His sister had her own life now, and he wished with everything he was that it was a happy life.
Fai would never go back.
Fai had nothing else to think of as he walked, so he tried to guess how long would this next town would last. It was usually two or three months before either his ‘poor orphan gypsy’ charm wore off and people stopped giving him things for free, or they figured out that he was stealing from them, or someone found out that he had been banished from his own kingdom, and why.
The towns were always too small; once one person discovered him, everyone knew about him.
Fai hated magic. It was useful for stealing pies and matchbooks and other small items, if he could harness his magic enough so that he could make something float and float in his direction-without anyone seeing.
But magic was the reason he was a poor orphan gypsy.
Fai knew there were dozens of spells he could learn that would make him never have to steal or charm or beg or freeze or go hungry again. But any books with that kind of knowledge were in libraries, in castles. Not in small towns with one healer to each.
And castles were not so kind to poor orphan gypsies.
Fai hated magic.
Fai hated small towns.
Fai hated castles.
Fai hated stealing, and begging, and the fucking snow.
Fai hated this world.
Mostly, Fai hated magic.
The sound of hoof beats behind him brought him out of his sullen thoughts; a carriage. Fai got out of the way without looking back. Carriages never stopped for him.
The carriage went past him. It slowed. It stopped.
Fai stopped walking and stared. His hand gripped tighter around his staff, wary. After a moment, he started to walk again, carefully on the opposite side of the road and as far away from the carriage as possible.
It was a royal carriage. Fai’s heart pounded uncomfortably; he did not want any trouble with royalty. He hated the snow, but he would hate a dungeon even more.
Fai sighed with relief when he was past the carriage, and started to walk faster.
Then he heard the sound of footsteps crunching on snow. He whirled around, his wooden staff raised, ready to fight.
“There is no need to defend yourself. I have no intent to harm you.”
Fai stared at the man with wide eyes.
This man was tall and not much older than Fai was himself. But there would be no mistaking this man for anything less than royalty even without the carriage and the fine clothes-the way he carried himself and the look in his eyes was unmistakable.
This man’s eyes were black and his hair was black and his skin was pale and perfect.
This man was magic, Fai thought. The aura of magic that radiated from him was so strong it made his knees weak. He could barely think, the magic was so overpowering.
In that moment Fai had never wanted anything more than he wanted to be near this man.
Fai fell, for the first time. Fai fell hard.
“Who ...?”
Fai blinked, realizing he had already taken a few steps closer.
The man smiled benignly. “I am Prince Ashura. And your name would be?”
“Fai. My King ...”
Ashura laughed, the sound gentle and amused. “I am not king yet.”
Fai nodded, afraid to speak.
“Where is your destination, Fai?”
Fai felt pulled. Anywhere you are going.
Fai said, “I have none.”
Ashura nodded. “You must be cold.”
“Yes.”
“Come.” Ashura waved a graceful hand to beckon him closer. “It is a long way to the next town, and it will be growing dark soon. This road can be dangerous, you should not be left to travel it alone.”
“I ... have no money to give you for the expense ...” Fai protested, even as he stepped closer.
“None is expected. My destination lies in that direction, so there is no more inconvenience in carrying two instead of one. From here to the next town, my offer is free.”
“That is very generous. But I should not accept ...”
“Have you any reason not to accept?”
Fai gave in. “Thank you. Your majesty.”
“I did like ‘king’ better.” Ashura commented casually.
“My King.” Fai corrected immediately.
Ashura smiled again; to Fai it felt like a reward.
Ashura climbed into the carriage and Fai followed. The carriage took off again with a gentle lurch, which turned into a smooth rocking motion as they flew over the snowy road.
Fai tried not to seem too uncomfortable with the way Ashura was staring at him.
After awhile, Ashura seemed to be satisfied, and smiled as he gazed at Fai. “You are the one I have been searching for. It has been quite a long time I have looked for you.”
“... I am?”
“Yes, you are.” Ashura answered, still smiling. “You have an impressive amount of magic given to you. It is quite a gift you have.”
Fai thought it was a curse, but he nodded anyway.
“But you have never learned how to use it?”
“How do you-?”
“Would you like to learn?” Ashura interrupted smoothly.
Fai thought of simple heating charms he could not cast. Quietly, he said, “Yes.”
“Would you like that marking removed?”
Fai thought he should be surprised, but somehow it would not surprise him if this man knew all the secrets of the universe. “Yes.”
“Would you like some hot chocolate to drink?”
Fai smiled. “Yes.”
Ashura held out his hand and a steaming teacup appeared in his palm. “I can do all that for you. I can give you anything you wish.”
Fai took the teacup as carefully as possible. “Why? Why would you ...?”
“Because I want you by my side.”
* * *
Fai was clean (really clean, squeaky clean, not a speck of dirt anywhere clean) for the first time in years. He had spent three hours in the gigantic sunken marble bathtub, just soaking in the delicious warmth and the delicious smell of the bubbles the servants had added.
Before his bath, a servant girl had also washed and cut his too-long hair. The blond strands were now in even layers around his face, still long enough to wisp over his ears and warm the back of his neck. But the length was no longer annoying and the cut had style, something Fai was not used to.
It made him look like a different person, Fai realized with a start as he passed by a mirror. He stopped and stood in front of the full-length mirror, looking at himself. He had never taken the opportunity, if he had ever had one, to really look at himself before-because he had never thought he would like what he would see.
Now, he thought that he really did not look too bad. Being clean and having a decent haircut made an amazing difference. He had known his eyes were blue, but he thought now that they were a very nice blue.
Fai looked down and touched his stomach. He was still too thin, though. Maybe, hopefully, that would change now as well.
He was seventeen, Fai realized, as he thought about what month it was now. It seemed like it was about time for his life to start.
In the antechamber between the bathroom and the bedroom he had been given, he found new clothes. They were silk, light blue, and probably the most expensive thing he had ever touched.
This had to be a dream. Or a mistake. It was all too good to be real.
A few minutes after he had gone into the bedroom, there was a knock at the door.
Fai paused, unsure. Then, “Come in?”
Two more servants entered, wheeling in a large cart which brought delicious smells with it. Fai’s stomach rumbled hungrily.
“Good evening, young master. We have brought your evening meal.”
The two young women unloaded many dishes onto the table in the corner.
“Will this be all the young master requires?” one of them asked.
“Um, yes. Thank you.”
They both nodded.
“If you find there is something else you want, there is a bell on the table.” the other one said. “If you ring it, we will be here to bring you whatever you desire.”
“Alright. I mean, thank you.”
The door closed silently behind the two servants, and Fai settled down to eat. But first he secured his napkin at his collar; he did not want to risk ruining these new clothes.
The meal seemed endless; it matched his appetite. There were not many dishes he knew, but each dish he uncovered seemed to be more delicious than the last.
Fai ate slowly, savouring each bite, and he ate until he could not eat any more. He thought this might be the first time in his life that he had ever been completely satisfied by a meal. It was the only time he could remember being completely satisfied by a meal, at least.
Fai fell onto the soft bed and stretched out contentedly, one hand on his stomach.
Even if this dream did not last for very long, at the moment he was happy. He was going to enjoy it and remember every detail and not take a second of it for granted.
Fai sat up when there was another light knock at the door.
“Come in,” he called, expecting more servants.
But it was Ashura.
Fai stood immediately, but froze. He felt like he should bow, but he was afraid he would trip and make a fool of himself. He wondered whether it was worse to attempt respect and fall on your face, or not make the attempt and possibly insult your benefactor?
Ashura did not seem to notice his dilemma.
“Has everything met with your approval?” he questioned, looking around the room.
“Oh, yes! My king.” he added, then tried to tone down the enthusiasm. “Yes. This room is wonderful. Thank you so much.”
“This room?” Ashura raised an eyebrow, chuckled. “This room is not permanent.”
Fai’s heart clenched inside his chest. “It is ... not?”
“I am having better rooms prepared for you, upstairs, near my rooms.” Ashura replied, with the nonchalance of royalty. “They will be ready by tomorrow.”
“Oh.” Fai hoped he was not blushing. “That is very generous of you.”
Ashura smiled a little. “It is not without its proper payment.”
“May I ask what that would be?” Fai questioned timidly.
Even without the answer, Fai knew he would do whatever Ashura wanted. Whatever would make Ashura want to keep him here in the castle, with Ashura.
“We will discuss that, in time.” Ashura answered easily. “You need not worry about it now.”
“Alright.”
“And the clothes?”
Fai smiled. “They are very fine clothes.”
“You like them?”
“Yes. Very much.”
Ashura smiled in satisfaction. “They suit you.”
Fai said, “Thank you,” not knowing what else to say.
Ashura stepped up to him, very close, even closer. They were almost touching. Ashura was just a little taller than Fai; Fai had to tip his chin back to meet the other man’s eyes.
Ashura’s eyes were obsidian, fathomless. Fai stared into them and felt lost.
Ashura touched his cheek with a cool, chaste hand, and Ashura kissed Fai.
It was a tender, leisurely kiss-no fireworks. But Fai felt like he was being eaten alive and Fai would surrender gladly.
“Yes.” Ashura murmured, smiling. “I think this will be quite a beneficial relationship, for both of us.”
* * *
Fai closed his eyes and took a deep breath, centering himself. Focusing his magic.
This was an important moment. Fai was a little nervous, but he was also confident. He knew all of these instruments, he knew how to channel his magic to perform each of them. He knew the song he had written for Ashura by heart.
This would be the first time he would perform this piece for an audience, though, and the audience was Ashura. If Ashura liked this piece, Fai would play it in concert at Ashura’s next royal ball.
Fai raised the flute to his mouth, and the high, lonely tones rose into the air.
One by one, the instruments joined into the melody, bringing the orchestra to completion. The music came together perfectly, all of the notes dancing in a beautiful harmony.
Fai let the music fill him as he played, thinking of nothing else.
He was proud of this ability, proud that he had mastered it so quickly and proud that Ashura had asked this of him. He did not want to disappoint his King.
The last of the musical notes faded.
Fai opened his eyes slowly, as if bringing himself out of a trance.
Ashura was smiling at him proudly; Fai did not think he had ever been happier in his entire life.
“That was wonderful,” Ashura said. “I believe that is the most beautiful piece of music I have ever heard.”
Fai grinned, a bit giddily. “Did you really like it?”
“Yes.” Ashura came toward him and took Fai’s face in gentle hands. “It is perfect.” Then Ashura leaned down and touched his lips to Fai’s sweetly.
Fai returned the kiss, eagerly. He always felt a little light-headed when Ashura kissed him, light-headed and viscerally happy. He supposed this must be what love felt like.
“Would you like to retire to my chambers ...?” Ashura murmured.
“Yes, my King. I would.”
* * *
Fai was worried, but he did not let it show.
There were people in the castle still, servants and guards. If this spell did not work or if something went wrong, the whole castle could explode or crumble or vanish.
But the only emotion Fai projected was confidence.
Fai was no longer a poor orphan gypsy with no place in the world.
Fai was the Royal High Mage of the Kingdom of Celes. Fai was King Ashura’s right hand. Fai knew his place and he served it perfectly.
He had learned magic, spells and potions and charms and curses. He had learned many physical skills as well, and his body exuded confidence as much as his attitude did. He had learned courtly manners; he no longer feared tripping when he bowed and he always knew what to say to anyone on any occasion. He had learned music, he could play beautiful melodies from any instrument set before him. He had also learned control, both magical and emotional; now he only let people see exactly what he wanted them to see.
Fai had every reason to be confident. But he was still worried.
Ashura had deemed it not necessary to empty the castle before he cast the spell that Fai had designed for him. It was not a spell one could experiment with beforehand, unless one happened to have an extra castle or two lying around.
Fai was pretty sure the spell would work. But he would have preferred to have the castle empty when it was cast-just in case.
Ashura stepped forward (the two of them were, of course, a safe distance from the castle-just in case). He raised his arms, one hand holding onto his scepter, in the direction of the castle.
Ashura preferred to cast his spells silently; not even his lips moved.
It was one of the few accomplishments Fai had not yet mastered, silent casting. He was a little envious of the ability, and of the fact that Ashura performed it so effortlessly.
The silvery wings that had already been charmed onto the castle began to tremble. Then they began to beat slowly against the air, like a bird’s wings.
Faster. And faster.
Fai had to shield his face from the sudden rush of icy wind. Ashura did not move.
There was a sharp, loud sound; a sound of breaking. The ground rumbled under their feet like an earthquake.
Through his fingers, Fai squinted at the castle. It was rising slowly into the air, the silvery wings flashing bright in the sunlight.
Fai wanted to do somersaults. Fai wanted to shout with joy and run around like a lunatic. Fai wanted to hug Ashura and kiss him on the mouth in a most undignified manner.
But Fai only allowed himself a very happy grin.
Finally the wings settled, spread out proudly to the sky, and the castle stopped rising. The castle was very high in the sky, but it was definitely suspended in the air.
Ashura turned to Fai with a satisfied smile. “Excellent work.” he complimented, and placed a light, cool kiss on Fai’s cheek.
“Thank you, my King.”
“Have you given any thought as to how you are going to get up there now?”
Fai blinked, still. He had not. Ashura was the only one who could transport himself magically into the castle. Fai knew this because he was the one who had written the spell-at Ashura’s request.
“I am certain you will find a way.”
And with a snap of his fingers, Ashura was gone.
Fai sighed as he stared at the castle, thinking. A ladder would not work. Perhaps he could charm himself some wings?
* * *
Fai walked slowly down the hallway to the throne room, never looking up from the book in his hand. He could hear a murmur of voices echoing down the marble halls, which meant that Ashura was preoccupied at the moment. He needed to ask Ashura a question about the current spell the King had requested he create, so he decided to wait and leaned against the wall.
“... Veren.” Fai heard a man’s voice say. “There were no survivors.”
The book dropped from Fai’s hands.
The voices went silent at the thump from the hallway.
Something snapped inside Fai’s mind. Everything seemed to come into a sharper focus, blazingly and brutally clear. Everything came crashing down.
Fai walked into the throne room, his footsteps echoing hollowly in the silence. He did not look at Ashura. He stood in front of the messenger and took a few deep breaths before he could speak.
“Veren?” he asked, his voice shaking. “You said Veren. That is my village.” He hesitated, taking another deep breath. “You said-you said there were no survivors?”
The man did not answer.
“Veren is my village.” Fai said quietly. “My family-”
“Your family.” Ashura’s voice was hard and cold, brimming with disdain. “The family that sent you away, the family that turned you out into the cold. Your family, who cared nothing for you. Why should you concern yourself over their fate?”
“They are ... They were ... my family.” Fai turned toward his King only enough to see that he was now standing up on the dias. “How could you ...?”
“I did not think you would care.”
“Not care ...?” Fai whispered, in disbelief and horror. “Then you knew? You knew that your army was going to my village?” He finally raised his eyes to the King’s face, and he saw what he had feared he would: a beautiful, cold face and black eyes with no sympathy. “You knew, and you ...”
Ashura’s silence was his only answer.
Fai turned back to the messenger, and forced himself to ask the question, “Are ... Are you sure there were no ... survivors?”
Again, the man did not answer. He looked at Fai with blank eyes.
The sick feeling in Fai’s stomach turned even sicker.
“What is wrong with him?” he asked over his shoulder, unwilling to look at Ashura again.
“There is nothing wrong with him.”
Fai touched fingertips to the messenger’s cheek and drew his hand back as if he had been burned. “What have you done to him?” He stared into the man’s eyes for a long moment, and saw nothing. “He has no soul?”
When Ashura spoke, the words were measured carefully, “The proper question is, ‘What have we done?’”
“Did you take his soul?”
“I did.” Ashura answered evenly. “With your help.”
“No.” Fai shook his head. His voice was a tremulous whisper, “I did not do this.”
There were footsteps, the smooth rustle of silk. Ashura stepped up behind Fai, his voice low and sweet as he whispered into Fai’s ear.
“A soul is such a messy, trivial thing. And yet people guard it with their every breath and their every move. The process of removing such a burden is expedited when the mind is vulnerable. When a person listens to music, for example.”
Fai closed his eyes, trying not to tremble as much outside as he was inside. This was a nightmare that just kept getting worse. “You used my music to steal their souls? Is that why you requested I learn music?”
“Music gives me no pleasure. What other reason would there be?”
“I thought perhaps because I had an aptitude for it. And because you knew I would enjoy it.”
“You knew that I used your music to duplicate your physical abilities into my soldiers.” Ashura said, as he walked away from Fai and toward the dias. “Is it really so much of a surprise that I want them to be the perfect weapons?” He turned around, looking toward the magician whose back was still turned to him. “They are without emotion, without thoughts to distract them. They are perfect.”
“They are without hearts, without mercy. They are nothing.”
The corners of Ashura’s mouth curled into an ugly smile. “I see I was right not to confide in you. It is a mistake easily corrected.”
Ashura raised his hand toward Fai. Fai’s reaction was violent, uncontrolled. He raised a shield around himself, but the intensity of the emotion he was feeling caused there to be an extra pulse of magical energy that knocked Ashura off his feet.
Fai stood, bracing himself for Ashura’s retaliation.
But Ashura only rose gracefully to his feet and stared impassively at Fai. “The knowledge will only cause you to suffer, yes? So why not let me take that memory from you?”
“Then I would be no better than him.” Fai answered, without looking over at the messenger.
Fai took a step backward, keeping his eyes on his King and keeping the shield raised around himself. He knew he could not bear to stay here another moment longer. Not after this, not knowing what he now knew.
Fai announced, “I am leaving, Ashura.”
“And where will you go?”
“Anywhere that is far away from you.”
A corner of the King’s lip curled, almost an amused smile. “There is no place on this world where I cannot find you. It will change nothing if you leave. I still have your music.”
Fai’s voice was flat, “And my family is still dead.”
“If you leave-”
“You will kill me?” Fai interrupted, his voice loud and rough. “I do not find that much of a threat.”
Ashura’s face, if possible, turned even more like stone.
Fai only paused long enough to retrieve his staff from the wall outside the throne room. He left the castle with nothing else.
* * *
Fai stood.
Numb.
The town he had grown up in, this town, was a ruin around him.
At the center of the town there was a pile of bones. Fai had taken one look and been sick.
He had stumbled to his house. It was one of the ones still smoking. His mother’s flowers were all dead, trampled or charred.
Fai remembered this town. He had grown up here. He had been happy here, if only too briefly. The people here had been friendly, even though they had been wary of him toward the end. The streets had been filled with children playing, filled with laughter and friendly conversation.
Now the streets were empty and silent.
The windows, once warm beacons of lamplight, were either broken or dark. The walls of the homes were charred black or crumbled to the ground.
There was nothing left to save.
There was nothing left.
He imagined these people, his family, being slaughtered by soldiers whose movements were an echo of his own, soldiers whose skills were the same as his own.
Screams he had never heard echoed in his head.
Fai thought of other towns, detached. Other towns where other people had spend their happy childhood. Other towns just like his own. Other towns that were now nothing but ash; other towns that were not yet nothing but ash.
How many other towns ...?
Fai stood for a long time, staring at the nothing that was left. Empty.
Guilty.
Then, slowly, Fai reached for the knife at his side.
He stared at the knife. The blade was sharp and clean and shining, and it would end this.
His blood would stain the snow red in apology and the snow would cover his frozen body in forgiveness.
It would all be over.
Fai pointed the knife at his heart and took a breath.
“Mrew?”
Fai opened his eyes, blinked.
“Mrew?”
Fai looked down.
There was a kitten pawing at his boot. “Mrew?”
Fai stared at the kitten as if he had never seen such a creature before.
“Mrew?”
The kitten sounded hungry. Fai picked it up and started to walk through the village, careful not to look at the center of the town.
There was one house further back in the woods that had not been too badly burned. Fai went inside without knocking and found the kitchen. He took some vegetables and fruit from the chill box and cut them up into small pieces. He put the bowl of food and a bowl of water on the floor for the kitten.
“There you are, lovely.”
His voice sounded strange to his own ears, as if it had been years since the last time he had spoken.
The kitten devoured the contents of the bowl greedily.
Fai crouched beside the kitten and watched it eat. Absently, he ran a gentle hand over the kitten’s furry back and it began to purr. Fai was so startled he almost cried.
He thought: why not?
And let himself cry.
He let the sobs wrack his body and the tears sting his eyes, without bothering to wipe them away. He cried as he had never cried since he was nine and a half years old. He cried for Donne, and Saraphi, and his mother and his father and Moira and Lei and Augustus and for how stupid he was and for all of the soulless soldiers and all of the nameless, countless people in every town that had a pile of bones at its center.
He fell onto his back on the cold floor of the kitchen and let the tears pour from him until he had no strength left.
Fai stared at the ceiling, numb and exhausted and cold and miserable.
The kitten jumped onto his chest and settled into a warm contented curl, and began to purr again. Fai took an unsteady breath. His hand crept closer to the kitten, fingertips touching long fur.
This kitten is not yet old enough to survive on its own, he thought. If I do not take care of it, it will die.
Fai could not save any of the ones already dead, but he could save this kitten.
* * *
“One more time.”
Fai turned his staff just fractionally faster than the last time he had tried.
The aardvark sitting across the clearing from him began to morph.
Fai blinked. There was a young girl sitting across from him now. Well, mostly a girl. She still had large furry feline ears, but he thought it looked charming.
“I did it!” he exclaimed. “I made a girl!”
Fai watched as the girl looked herself over: hands, arms, legs, stomach, breasts. She touched herself hesitantly, feeling skin. Touched her face. Fingers pulled her hair over her shoulder to look at it curiously.
“Hello,” said Fai.
She looked at him, eyes snapping into accusation. “You turned Chii into a goat.”
“Oh.” Fai blinked again. “Yes. I am sorry about that. I was trying for human.” he explained. “But I have never transfigured a human before, or ... Hey. You can talk.”
The girl gave him a haughty look. “I was a cat. I was not stupid.”
“No!” he exclaimed, hastily, “I did not mean that.”
“Chii is ... human, now?” she asked slowly, moving her thumb experimentally.
“Yes.”
Chii bent her fingers, trying to make claws come out. Then she tried squeezing her fingertip, and frowned a little. “Chii liked being a cat.”
“Oh.”
Fai had only started his attempts to transfigure her into a human partly out of boredom and partly because he wanted to see if he was able to. But now that she was sitting there and real, he realized he had a deeper reason: he was lonely.
“I suppose I could ... try to turn you back.” he said, regretfully. He took off his coat and draped it over her bare shoulders.
“This is ... one of those funny skins humans wear?” she questioned curiously.
“They are called clothes.”
Chii fingered the fluffy white ruffle of the coat. “I do not like clothes,” she said, thoughtfully. “But this skin-” She touched her arm, “has no fur. This-clothes-is warm.”
“Yes. Humans need to wear clothes to stay warm.” he murmured. “Not like cats.”
She looked up at him and smiled. “You were nice to Chii. I like you.”
“I like you too.” Fai returned, smiling.
“You would like Chii to stay like this?”
“Yes, I would.”
“I could not talk to you as a cat,” Chii mused. “Chii will stay like this, for awhile maybe.”
Fai released a relieved breath and held out his hand. “My name is Fai.”
“Silly.” She poked at his hand with a fingertip. “I know that.”
Fai gently took her hand and clasped it in his. “It is very nice to meet you, Chii.”
* * * * *
Part II
end note: I was reading this last night and I just went, "... WTF?" and thought I was crazy. but it's already written so, *shrug*. if for nothing else, I went ahead and posted this for the Fai/Chii, cuz they're so adorable.
for the music Fai performed for Ashura, I'm thinking something like this: Joanie Madden - The South Wind.
Author: alliterationhor
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Spoilers: not a one.
Rating: R.
Status: 1/2.
Author’s note: so this is totally wrong, lol. I knew I'd be wrong, but I thought this would be posted before we found out anything about Fai's past. ah well.
Another note: this ... doesn’t actually have Kurogane in it. but it’s part of the Wish-verse so I think it belongs here. *crosses fingers*
One more note: the prequel was going to be one big post, but it exceeded livejournal's word limit. so, next Monday, part II!
Word count: 6,822
Comments/concrit appreciated.
What You Wish For
Prequel (Part I)
Fai was nine and a half years old the first time he killed someone.
* * *
“Freak!”
“Do not call me a freak!”
“You are a freak! Always making things float! And explode! No one else does that and you are a freak!”
Fai shoved hard and the other boy fell.
“I am not a freak!”
“Are too!” the boy yelled back, and tackled him. “Fai is a big freak!”
Fai and the boy rolled in the snow. Fai managed to climb on top and tried to punch the other boy.
He was so mad he did not even notice that the other children had formed a circle around them, gasping and cheering and booing as any enthralled audience.
“Freak freak freak!” the boy chanted and shoved Fai off him, getting to his feet.
“Stop calling me a freak!!” Fai yelled, shrilly.
Suddenly, the boy stopped. He stopped standing, and fell to the ground. He stopped moving.
Fai got to his feet and stood with his fists curled at his sides, breathing hard.
“Hey.”
No response.
“Hey. Donne.”
Fai took two careful steps toward the boy, certain it was a trick. “Donne. What are you doing? Donne?” He nudged Donne’s shoulder with his boot. “Donne, you big baby. I did not hurt you. Get up.”
Silence.
Someone whispered, “He is not breathing.”
“He is dead!” someone shouted.
Fai looked up to find dozens of eyes on him, all wide and terrified.
“He killed Donne!”
The children started running and screaming-away from Fai.
Fai looked down at Donne again. Donne’s eyes were still open, glassy and empty.
“Good trick, Donne. Now everyone is scared of me.” Fai said, getting angry again. “Ha ha ha, great joke.” He knelt down beside the fallen boy and shook his shoulders roughly. “Come on, Donne. This is not funny anymore! Get up! Donne!”
Fai let go and the boy thumped heavily back onto the snow.
“Donne?” he whispered.
Fai realized Donne was dead.
Fai ran away.
* * *
It was Saraphi who found him, hours later.
Fai was curled into a ball, near hypothermia, tucked under the root of a fallen everblue tree in the forest where they used to play when they were children.
There were tears frozen on his cheeks.
* * *
Fai was not asleep.
He was supposed to be asleep. He should have been asleep hours ago.
But Fai was awake, staring at the darkness that would be the ceiling of his room if there was any light to see by.
It was strange, Fai thought. There was no difference if he had his eyes open or his eyes closed.
It was all black.
* * *
Fai crept out of his bedroom, silent and stealthy. He tiptoed down the hall.
His parents’ bedroom door was open only a few inches. It was enough to let a slant of warm lamplight spill into the hall, piercing the darkness.
Fai sat down beside the door, tucked into the dark. His knees drawn up to his chest; his nightshirt stretched over his knees and legs. His toes were just beyond the edge of the light from the doorway.
He listened; his parents’ voices were hushed, the words not meant for his ears.
“-you think we should do?”
“I do not know.” A sigh. “But you heard what the healer said. The boy was killed with magic.”
His mother’s voice, angry and defiant, “I know what the healer said. He did not mean to do it!”
“I know, love. I know he would never mean to hurt anyone. But we cannot ignore this.”
“We cannot send him away, either. Fai is still our son!”
Soft, “And he killed a boy, June.”
“He did not mean to!”
“And that scares me! Does it not scare you? He did not mean to. But he did.” A pause. Voice low, “We have other children. What if Fai gets angry at Lei? Or Moira, or Saraphi? What if he gets angry at you or me?”
“No.” Voice thick, “Clemence. He would never-”
“He would never mean to. I know he would never mean to.”
A low noise, the rustle of cloth against cloth; a hug.
Whispered, “But he cannot control his magic, June. Have you not noticed, it keeps getting stronger? Fai has to learn how to control it. Before he hurts someone else, or himself.”
“He is your son, Clemence.” A choked sob. “How can you even think ...”
“And as his father, I must do what is best for him, and what is best for my family. I love him as much as any father loves his son.” A pause, a confession; “But right now ... I am afraid of him.”
Fai’s toes were cold.
* * *
The day Fai left his home, the sun was bright and shining.
His father was driving their old horse and cart. Fai was sitting in the back of the cart, angry and sad and silent.
His mother and his brother and his sisters were standing in front of their house as the cart dragged further down the road.
Saraphi ran after them, to the halfway point of the road. She was crying and waving to Fai.
Fai hated everyone in the world.
He would show them. They would all be sorry for this, one day.
One day he would be the greatest wizard in the world. One day everyone would know his name. One day they would be sorry.
One day.
* * *
Fai was twirling a paperweight in the air above his fingers. It was crystal and the sunlight from the window sparked colours as it turned.
“Is that the best you wish to do, Fai?” Augustus asked quietly, from the doorway.
“If you taking the marking off me, then I will learn.”
Fai had given Augustus no cause to believe that; Fai had been his charge for nearly a year without the marking and he had refused to learn.
“If you will learn, we will discuss the removal of your marking.”
It was a familiar exchange; a too familiar impasse.
Fai only kept twirling the paperweight.
* * *
“Fai, wait!”
“It was a stupid idea to come back here!” he called angrily over his shoulder as he kept walking, his strides swift. “I was stupid to even try!”
“Fai, stop!”
Saraphi grabbed his arm and whirled him around to face her. She took a moment to catch her breath, the cold stinging in her lungs.
“Fai, please do not go.”
“You heard father. I am a criminal. The King has banished me.” He shook off her arm and started to turn away. “There is no place for me here.”
Saraphi blocked his way. “You are my brother.” she stated, serious and sincere. “You are not a criminal-not to me.”
Fai smiled a little. “If only your word was law.”
“It was an accident, was it not? You did not mean to-to ... You did not mean to, what happened to Augustus?”
“No! Of course I did not mean to!”
“I believe you.”
“I did not-!” He broke off, and sighed. “I did not know.” he said, quietly. “I did know it was me. Augustus was old, I just thought he was sick. But the healers said ...”
The healers had said that Fai’s grudge against Augustus had become some sort of magical poison. The healers had said that Augustus had died because of him.
“Maybe they are right.” Fai confessed, not looking his sister in the eyes. “I should not be around people, because ... It is too dangerous for me to be around people I care about.”
Saraphi lifted his chin with a gentle hand and stared at him with eyes that were the same clear blue as his own. “I do not want to lose my dearest brother. If you leave, I fear I will never see you again.”
Fai took her hand from his chin, but kept his hold on hers as their hands dropped. “But I cannot stay here, Saraphi.” He sighed wearily, letting sadness take the place of anger. “Father is right; there is no place for me here.”
“Perhaps not now.” she admitted reluctantly. “But I am almost of age. In a year or two I will have my own house, and I will not be bound by mother and father’s decisions.” She smiled brightly, encouragingly, taking his other hand in hers. “You could come back then, and stay with me.”
Fai looked down at their hands and touched the diamond ring on her finger. “You are engaged. To Kno?”
Saraphi nodded, unable to contain a happy, shy smile.
Fai smiled and kissed the back of her hand. “I am happy for you.”
“Thank you.”
“In a year or two, you will be married. You will have a family of your own to think of.” Fai released her hand. “And your husband will not be swayed to harbour a criminal any more than our father was swayed by mother.”
Fai turned and started to walk again, slower now. Saraphi followed, a few steps behind.
“That does not mean-” She broke off and made a helpless, unhappy noise. “Kno likes you, he does-”
“Kno does not like me that much.”
“But you could at least, still come and visit.” She caught his arm again to make him stop walking. “I will not be denied that. I do not care what father or mother or Kno says-”
Fai smiled kindly. “I will be alright, Saraphi. You do not have to worry about me.”
Saraphi frowned, unhappiness written on her face. “You are my brother. And you are only fourteen. You should not be on your own.” A tear slipped from the corner of her eye. “Of course I will worry about you.”
Fai reached up and smoothed the tear away with a gentle thumb. “Do your best not to.”
Before she could protest, Fai stepped closer to her and wrapped his arms around her shoulders.
Saraphi returned the embrace as tightly as she could, fearing this would be the last time she would ever have the chance to hug her brother. She gave a choked laugh against his shoulder. “You know, the last time I saw you, I was taller than you.”
“Guess you are the shortcake now, huh?”
“I do not want you to go. I do not want to say goodbye.”
“Then we will not say goodbye.” Fai released her, and gave his sister a last kiss on her cheek. “Saraphi, I wish you a lifetime of every happiness.”
“I wish you the same.” she whispered.
Fai walked away.
* * *
The heating charm on this coat was wearing off, Fai mused sullenly as he trudged down the snowy road. He would have to steal another one when he got to the next town.
Fai did not allow himself to think of Saraphi, often. Or her offer of a place to stay. If he went back to Veren, he would only have to leave again. He did not want to return to a place where he would want to stay; he did not want to return to a place he would regret leaving.
There was one person in this world he would not cause trouble, and that was Saraphi. His sister had her own life now, and he wished with everything he was that it was a happy life.
Fai would never go back.
Fai had nothing else to think of as he walked, so he tried to guess how long would this next town would last. It was usually two or three months before either his ‘poor orphan gypsy’ charm wore off and people stopped giving him things for free, or they figured out that he was stealing from them, or someone found out that he had been banished from his own kingdom, and why.
The towns were always too small; once one person discovered him, everyone knew about him.
Fai hated magic. It was useful for stealing pies and matchbooks and other small items, if he could harness his magic enough so that he could make something float and float in his direction-without anyone seeing.
But magic was the reason he was a poor orphan gypsy.
Fai knew there were dozens of spells he could learn that would make him never have to steal or charm or beg or freeze or go hungry again. But any books with that kind of knowledge were in libraries, in castles. Not in small towns with one healer to each.
And castles were not so kind to poor orphan gypsies.
Fai hated magic.
Fai hated small towns.
Fai hated castles.
Fai hated stealing, and begging, and the fucking snow.
Fai hated this world.
Mostly, Fai hated magic.
The sound of hoof beats behind him brought him out of his sullen thoughts; a carriage. Fai got out of the way without looking back. Carriages never stopped for him.
The carriage went past him. It slowed. It stopped.
Fai stopped walking and stared. His hand gripped tighter around his staff, wary. After a moment, he started to walk again, carefully on the opposite side of the road and as far away from the carriage as possible.
It was a royal carriage. Fai’s heart pounded uncomfortably; he did not want any trouble with royalty. He hated the snow, but he would hate a dungeon even more.
Fai sighed with relief when he was past the carriage, and started to walk faster.
Then he heard the sound of footsteps crunching on snow. He whirled around, his wooden staff raised, ready to fight.
“There is no need to defend yourself. I have no intent to harm you.”
Fai stared at the man with wide eyes.
This man was tall and not much older than Fai was himself. But there would be no mistaking this man for anything less than royalty even without the carriage and the fine clothes-the way he carried himself and the look in his eyes was unmistakable.
This man’s eyes were black and his hair was black and his skin was pale and perfect.
This man was magic, Fai thought. The aura of magic that radiated from him was so strong it made his knees weak. He could barely think, the magic was so overpowering.
In that moment Fai had never wanted anything more than he wanted to be near this man.
Fai fell, for the first time. Fai fell hard.
“Who ...?”
Fai blinked, realizing he had already taken a few steps closer.
The man smiled benignly. “I am Prince Ashura. And your name would be?”
“Fai. My King ...”
Ashura laughed, the sound gentle and amused. “I am not king yet.”
Fai nodded, afraid to speak.
“Where is your destination, Fai?”
Fai felt pulled. Anywhere you are going.
Fai said, “I have none.”
Ashura nodded. “You must be cold.”
“Yes.”
“Come.” Ashura waved a graceful hand to beckon him closer. “It is a long way to the next town, and it will be growing dark soon. This road can be dangerous, you should not be left to travel it alone.”
“I ... have no money to give you for the expense ...” Fai protested, even as he stepped closer.
“None is expected. My destination lies in that direction, so there is no more inconvenience in carrying two instead of one. From here to the next town, my offer is free.”
“That is very generous. But I should not accept ...”
“Have you any reason not to accept?”
Fai gave in. “Thank you. Your majesty.”
“I did like ‘king’ better.” Ashura commented casually.
“My King.” Fai corrected immediately.
Ashura smiled again; to Fai it felt like a reward.
Ashura climbed into the carriage and Fai followed. The carriage took off again with a gentle lurch, which turned into a smooth rocking motion as they flew over the snowy road.
Fai tried not to seem too uncomfortable with the way Ashura was staring at him.
After awhile, Ashura seemed to be satisfied, and smiled as he gazed at Fai. “You are the one I have been searching for. It has been quite a long time I have looked for you.”
“... I am?”
“Yes, you are.” Ashura answered, still smiling. “You have an impressive amount of magic given to you. It is quite a gift you have.”
Fai thought it was a curse, but he nodded anyway.
“But you have never learned how to use it?”
“How do you-?”
“Would you like to learn?” Ashura interrupted smoothly.
Fai thought of simple heating charms he could not cast. Quietly, he said, “Yes.”
“Would you like that marking removed?”
Fai thought he should be surprised, but somehow it would not surprise him if this man knew all the secrets of the universe. “Yes.”
“Would you like some hot chocolate to drink?”
Fai smiled. “Yes.”
Ashura held out his hand and a steaming teacup appeared in his palm. “I can do all that for you. I can give you anything you wish.”
Fai took the teacup as carefully as possible. “Why? Why would you ...?”
“Because I want you by my side.”
* * *
Fai was clean (really clean, squeaky clean, not a speck of dirt anywhere clean) for the first time in years. He had spent three hours in the gigantic sunken marble bathtub, just soaking in the delicious warmth and the delicious smell of the bubbles the servants had added.
Before his bath, a servant girl had also washed and cut his too-long hair. The blond strands were now in even layers around his face, still long enough to wisp over his ears and warm the back of his neck. But the length was no longer annoying and the cut had style, something Fai was not used to.
It made him look like a different person, Fai realized with a start as he passed by a mirror. He stopped and stood in front of the full-length mirror, looking at himself. He had never taken the opportunity, if he had ever had one, to really look at himself before-because he had never thought he would like what he would see.
Now, he thought that he really did not look too bad. Being clean and having a decent haircut made an amazing difference. He had known his eyes were blue, but he thought now that they were a very nice blue.
Fai looked down and touched his stomach. He was still too thin, though. Maybe, hopefully, that would change now as well.
He was seventeen, Fai realized, as he thought about what month it was now. It seemed like it was about time for his life to start.
In the antechamber between the bathroom and the bedroom he had been given, he found new clothes. They were silk, light blue, and probably the most expensive thing he had ever touched.
This had to be a dream. Or a mistake. It was all too good to be real.
A few minutes after he had gone into the bedroom, there was a knock at the door.
Fai paused, unsure. Then, “Come in?”
Two more servants entered, wheeling in a large cart which brought delicious smells with it. Fai’s stomach rumbled hungrily.
“Good evening, young master. We have brought your evening meal.”
The two young women unloaded many dishes onto the table in the corner.
“Will this be all the young master requires?” one of them asked.
“Um, yes. Thank you.”
They both nodded.
“If you find there is something else you want, there is a bell on the table.” the other one said. “If you ring it, we will be here to bring you whatever you desire.”
“Alright. I mean, thank you.”
The door closed silently behind the two servants, and Fai settled down to eat. But first he secured his napkin at his collar; he did not want to risk ruining these new clothes.
The meal seemed endless; it matched his appetite. There were not many dishes he knew, but each dish he uncovered seemed to be more delicious than the last.
Fai ate slowly, savouring each bite, and he ate until he could not eat any more. He thought this might be the first time in his life that he had ever been completely satisfied by a meal. It was the only time he could remember being completely satisfied by a meal, at least.
Fai fell onto the soft bed and stretched out contentedly, one hand on his stomach.
Even if this dream did not last for very long, at the moment he was happy. He was going to enjoy it and remember every detail and not take a second of it for granted.
Fai sat up when there was another light knock at the door.
“Come in,” he called, expecting more servants.
But it was Ashura.
Fai stood immediately, but froze. He felt like he should bow, but he was afraid he would trip and make a fool of himself. He wondered whether it was worse to attempt respect and fall on your face, or not make the attempt and possibly insult your benefactor?
Ashura did not seem to notice his dilemma.
“Has everything met with your approval?” he questioned, looking around the room.
“Oh, yes! My king.” he added, then tried to tone down the enthusiasm. “Yes. This room is wonderful. Thank you so much.”
“This room?” Ashura raised an eyebrow, chuckled. “This room is not permanent.”
Fai’s heart clenched inside his chest. “It is ... not?”
“I am having better rooms prepared for you, upstairs, near my rooms.” Ashura replied, with the nonchalance of royalty. “They will be ready by tomorrow.”
“Oh.” Fai hoped he was not blushing. “That is very generous of you.”
Ashura smiled a little. “It is not without its proper payment.”
“May I ask what that would be?” Fai questioned timidly.
Even without the answer, Fai knew he would do whatever Ashura wanted. Whatever would make Ashura want to keep him here in the castle, with Ashura.
“We will discuss that, in time.” Ashura answered easily. “You need not worry about it now.”
“Alright.”
“And the clothes?”
Fai smiled. “They are very fine clothes.”
“You like them?”
“Yes. Very much.”
Ashura smiled in satisfaction. “They suit you.”
Fai said, “Thank you,” not knowing what else to say.
Ashura stepped up to him, very close, even closer. They were almost touching. Ashura was just a little taller than Fai; Fai had to tip his chin back to meet the other man’s eyes.
Ashura’s eyes were obsidian, fathomless. Fai stared into them and felt lost.
Ashura touched his cheek with a cool, chaste hand, and Ashura kissed Fai.
It was a tender, leisurely kiss-no fireworks. But Fai felt like he was being eaten alive and Fai would surrender gladly.
“Yes.” Ashura murmured, smiling. “I think this will be quite a beneficial relationship, for both of us.”
* * *
Fai closed his eyes and took a deep breath, centering himself. Focusing his magic.
This was an important moment. Fai was a little nervous, but he was also confident. He knew all of these instruments, he knew how to channel his magic to perform each of them. He knew the song he had written for Ashura by heart.
This would be the first time he would perform this piece for an audience, though, and the audience was Ashura. If Ashura liked this piece, Fai would play it in concert at Ashura’s next royal ball.
Fai raised the flute to his mouth, and the high, lonely tones rose into the air.
One by one, the instruments joined into the melody, bringing the orchestra to completion. The music came together perfectly, all of the notes dancing in a beautiful harmony.
Fai let the music fill him as he played, thinking of nothing else.
He was proud of this ability, proud that he had mastered it so quickly and proud that Ashura had asked this of him. He did not want to disappoint his King.
The last of the musical notes faded.
Fai opened his eyes slowly, as if bringing himself out of a trance.
Ashura was smiling at him proudly; Fai did not think he had ever been happier in his entire life.
“That was wonderful,” Ashura said. “I believe that is the most beautiful piece of music I have ever heard.”
Fai grinned, a bit giddily. “Did you really like it?”
“Yes.” Ashura came toward him and took Fai’s face in gentle hands. “It is perfect.” Then Ashura leaned down and touched his lips to Fai’s sweetly.
Fai returned the kiss, eagerly. He always felt a little light-headed when Ashura kissed him, light-headed and viscerally happy. He supposed this must be what love felt like.
“Would you like to retire to my chambers ...?” Ashura murmured.
“Yes, my King. I would.”
* * *
Fai was worried, but he did not let it show.
There were people in the castle still, servants and guards. If this spell did not work or if something went wrong, the whole castle could explode or crumble or vanish.
But the only emotion Fai projected was confidence.
Fai was no longer a poor orphan gypsy with no place in the world.
Fai was the Royal High Mage of the Kingdom of Celes. Fai was King Ashura’s right hand. Fai knew his place and he served it perfectly.
He had learned magic, spells and potions and charms and curses. He had learned many physical skills as well, and his body exuded confidence as much as his attitude did. He had learned courtly manners; he no longer feared tripping when he bowed and he always knew what to say to anyone on any occasion. He had learned music, he could play beautiful melodies from any instrument set before him. He had also learned control, both magical and emotional; now he only let people see exactly what he wanted them to see.
Fai had every reason to be confident. But he was still worried.
Ashura had deemed it not necessary to empty the castle before he cast the spell that Fai had designed for him. It was not a spell one could experiment with beforehand, unless one happened to have an extra castle or two lying around.
Fai was pretty sure the spell would work. But he would have preferred to have the castle empty when it was cast-just in case.
Ashura stepped forward (the two of them were, of course, a safe distance from the castle-just in case). He raised his arms, one hand holding onto his scepter, in the direction of the castle.
Ashura preferred to cast his spells silently; not even his lips moved.
It was one of the few accomplishments Fai had not yet mastered, silent casting. He was a little envious of the ability, and of the fact that Ashura performed it so effortlessly.
The silvery wings that had already been charmed onto the castle began to tremble. Then they began to beat slowly against the air, like a bird’s wings.
Faster. And faster.
Fai had to shield his face from the sudden rush of icy wind. Ashura did not move.
There was a sharp, loud sound; a sound of breaking. The ground rumbled under their feet like an earthquake.
Through his fingers, Fai squinted at the castle. It was rising slowly into the air, the silvery wings flashing bright in the sunlight.
Fai wanted to do somersaults. Fai wanted to shout with joy and run around like a lunatic. Fai wanted to hug Ashura and kiss him on the mouth in a most undignified manner.
But Fai only allowed himself a very happy grin.
Finally the wings settled, spread out proudly to the sky, and the castle stopped rising. The castle was very high in the sky, but it was definitely suspended in the air.
Ashura turned to Fai with a satisfied smile. “Excellent work.” he complimented, and placed a light, cool kiss on Fai’s cheek.
“Thank you, my King.”
“Have you given any thought as to how you are going to get up there now?”
Fai blinked, still. He had not. Ashura was the only one who could transport himself magically into the castle. Fai knew this because he was the one who had written the spell-at Ashura’s request.
“I am certain you will find a way.”
And with a snap of his fingers, Ashura was gone.
Fai sighed as he stared at the castle, thinking. A ladder would not work. Perhaps he could charm himself some wings?
* * *
Fai walked slowly down the hallway to the throne room, never looking up from the book in his hand. He could hear a murmur of voices echoing down the marble halls, which meant that Ashura was preoccupied at the moment. He needed to ask Ashura a question about the current spell the King had requested he create, so he decided to wait and leaned against the wall.
“... Veren.” Fai heard a man’s voice say. “There were no survivors.”
The book dropped from Fai’s hands.
The voices went silent at the thump from the hallway.
Something snapped inside Fai’s mind. Everything seemed to come into a sharper focus, blazingly and brutally clear. Everything came crashing down.
Fai walked into the throne room, his footsteps echoing hollowly in the silence. He did not look at Ashura. He stood in front of the messenger and took a few deep breaths before he could speak.
“Veren?” he asked, his voice shaking. “You said Veren. That is my village.” He hesitated, taking another deep breath. “You said-you said there were no survivors?”
The man did not answer.
“Veren is my village.” Fai said quietly. “My family-”
“Your family.” Ashura’s voice was hard and cold, brimming with disdain. “The family that sent you away, the family that turned you out into the cold. Your family, who cared nothing for you. Why should you concern yourself over their fate?”
“They are ... They were ... my family.” Fai turned toward his King only enough to see that he was now standing up on the dias. “How could you ...?”
“I did not think you would care.”
“Not care ...?” Fai whispered, in disbelief and horror. “Then you knew? You knew that your army was going to my village?” He finally raised his eyes to the King’s face, and he saw what he had feared he would: a beautiful, cold face and black eyes with no sympathy. “You knew, and you ...”
Ashura’s silence was his only answer.
Fai turned back to the messenger, and forced himself to ask the question, “Are ... Are you sure there were no ... survivors?”
Again, the man did not answer. He looked at Fai with blank eyes.
The sick feeling in Fai’s stomach turned even sicker.
“What is wrong with him?” he asked over his shoulder, unwilling to look at Ashura again.
“There is nothing wrong with him.”
Fai touched fingertips to the messenger’s cheek and drew his hand back as if he had been burned. “What have you done to him?” He stared into the man’s eyes for a long moment, and saw nothing. “He has no soul?”
When Ashura spoke, the words were measured carefully, “The proper question is, ‘What have we done?’”
“Did you take his soul?”
“I did.” Ashura answered evenly. “With your help.”
“No.” Fai shook his head. His voice was a tremulous whisper, “I did not do this.”
There were footsteps, the smooth rustle of silk. Ashura stepped up behind Fai, his voice low and sweet as he whispered into Fai’s ear.
“A soul is such a messy, trivial thing. And yet people guard it with their every breath and their every move. The process of removing such a burden is expedited when the mind is vulnerable. When a person listens to music, for example.”
Fai closed his eyes, trying not to tremble as much outside as he was inside. This was a nightmare that just kept getting worse. “You used my music to steal their souls? Is that why you requested I learn music?”
“Music gives me no pleasure. What other reason would there be?”
“I thought perhaps because I had an aptitude for it. And because you knew I would enjoy it.”
“You knew that I used your music to duplicate your physical abilities into my soldiers.” Ashura said, as he walked away from Fai and toward the dias. “Is it really so much of a surprise that I want them to be the perfect weapons?” He turned around, looking toward the magician whose back was still turned to him. “They are without emotion, without thoughts to distract them. They are perfect.”
“They are without hearts, without mercy. They are nothing.”
The corners of Ashura’s mouth curled into an ugly smile. “I see I was right not to confide in you. It is a mistake easily corrected.”
Ashura raised his hand toward Fai. Fai’s reaction was violent, uncontrolled. He raised a shield around himself, but the intensity of the emotion he was feeling caused there to be an extra pulse of magical energy that knocked Ashura off his feet.
Fai stood, bracing himself for Ashura’s retaliation.
But Ashura only rose gracefully to his feet and stared impassively at Fai. “The knowledge will only cause you to suffer, yes? So why not let me take that memory from you?”
“Then I would be no better than him.” Fai answered, without looking over at the messenger.
Fai took a step backward, keeping his eyes on his King and keeping the shield raised around himself. He knew he could not bear to stay here another moment longer. Not after this, not knowing what he now knew.
Fai announced, “I am leaving, Ashura.”
“And where will you go?”
“Anywhere that is far away from you.”
A corner of the King’s lip curled, almost an amused smile. “There is no place on this world where I cannot find you. It will change nothing if you leave. I still have your music.”
Fai’s voice was flat, “And my family is still dead.”
“If you leave-”
“You will kill me?” Fai interrupted, his voice loud and rough. “I do not find that much of a threat.”
Ashura’s face, if possible, turned even more like stone.
Fai only paused long enough to retrieve his staff from the wall outside the throne room. He left the castle with nothing else.
* * *
Fai stood.
Numb.
The town he had grown up in, this town, was a ruin around him.
At the center of the town there was a pile of bones. Fai had taken one look and been sick.
He had stumbled to his house. It was one of the ones still smoking. His mother’s flowers were all dead, trampled or charred.
Fai remembered this town. He had grown up here. He had been happy here, if only too briefly. The people here had been friendly, even though they had been wary of him toward the end. The streets had been filled with children playing, filled with laughter and friendly conversation.
Now the streets were empty and silent.
The windows, once warm beacons of lamplight, were either broken or dark. The walls of the homes were charred black or crumbled to the ground.
There was nothing left to save.
There was nothing left.
He imagined these people, his family, being slaughtered by soldiers whose movements were an echo of his own, soldiers whose skills were the same as his own.
Screams he had never heard echoed in his head.
Fai thought of other towns, detached. Other towns where other people had spend their happy childhood. Other towns just like his own. Other towns that were now nothing but ash; other towns that were not yet nothing but ash.
How many other towns ...?
Fai stood for a long time, staring at the nothing that was left. Empty.
Guilty.
Then, slowly, Fai reached for the knife at his side.
He stared at the knife. The blade was sharp and clean and shining, and it would end this.
His blood would stain the snow red in apology and the snow would cover his frozen body in forgiveness.
It would all be over.
Fai pointed the knife at his heart and took a breath.
“Mrew?”
Fai opened his eyes, blinked.
“Mrew?”
Fai looked down.
There was a kitten pawing at his boot. “Mrew?”
Fai stared at the kitten as if he had never seen such a creature before.
“Mrew?”
The kitten sounded hungry. Fai picked it up and started to walk through the village, careful not to look at the center of the town.
There was one house further back in the woods that had not been too badly burned. Fai went inside without knocking and found the kitchen. He took some vegetables and fruit from the chill box and cut them up into small pieces. He put the bowl of food and a bowl of water on the floor for the kitten.
“There you are, lovely.”
His voice sounded strange to his own ears, as if it had been years since the last time he had spoken.
The kitten devoured the contents of the bowl greedily.
Fai crouched beside the kitten and watched it eat. Absently, he ran a gentle hand over the kitten’s furry back and it began to purr. Fai was so startled he almost cried.
He thought: why not?
And let himself cry.
He let the sobs wrack his body and the tears sting his eyes, without bothering to wipe them away. He cried as he had never cried since he was nine and a half years old. He cried for Donne, and Saraphi, and his mother and his father and Moira and Lei and Augustus and for how stupid he was and for all of the soulless soldiers and all of the nameless, countless people in every town that had a pile of bones at its center.
He fell onto his back on the cold floor of the kitchen and let the tears pour from him until he had no strength left.
Fai stared at the ceiling, numb and exhausted and cold and miserable.
The kitten jumped onto his chest and settled into a warm contented curl, and began to purr again. Fai took an unsteady breath. His hand crept closer to the kitten, fingertips touching long fur.
This kitten is not yet old enough to survive on its own, he thought. If I do not take care of it, it will die.
Fai could not save any of the ones already dead, but he could save this kitten.
* * *
“One more time.”
Fai turned his staff just fractionally faster than the last time he had tried.
The aardvark sitting across the clearing from him began to morph.
Fai blinked. There was a young girl sitting across from him now. Well, mostly a girl. She still had large furry feline ears, but he thought it looked charming.
“I did it!” he exclaimed. “I made a girl!”
Fai watched as the girl looked herself over: hands, arms, legs, stomach, breasts. She touched herself hesitantly, feeling skin. Touched her face. Fingers pulled her hair over her shoulder to look at it curiously.
“Hello,” said Fai.
She looked at him, eyes snapping into accusation. “You turned Chii into a goat.”
“Oh.” Fai blinked again. “Yes. I am sorry about that. I was trying for human.” he explained. “But I have never transfigured a human before, or ... Hey. You can talk.”
The girl gave him a haughty look. “I was a cat. I was not stupid.”
“No!” he exclaimed, hastily, “I did not mean that.”
“Chii is ... human, now?” she asked slowly, moving her thumb experimentally.
“Yes.”
Chii bent her fingers, trying to make claws come out. Then she tried squeezing her fingertip, and frowned a little. “Chii liked being a cat.”
“Oh.”
Fai had only started his attempts to transfigure her into a human partly out of boredom and partly because he wanted to see if he was able to. But now that she was sitting there and real, he realized he had a deeper reason: he was lonely.
“I suppose I could ... try to turn you back.” he said, regretfully. He took off his coat and draped it over her bare shoulders.
“This is ... one of those funny skins humans wear?” she questioned curiously.
“They are called clothes.”
Chii fingered the fluffy white ruffle of the coat. “I do not like clothes,” she said, thoughtfully. “But this skin-” She touched her arm, “has no fur. This-clothes-is warm.”
“Yes. Humans need to wear clothes to stay warm.” he murmured. “Not like cats.”
She looked up at him and smiled. “You were nice to Chii. I like you.”
“I like you too.” Fai returned, smiling.
“You would like Chii to stay like this?”
“Yes, I would.”
“I could not talk to you as a cat,” Chii mused. “Chii will stay like this, for awhile maybe.”
Fai released a relieved breath and held out his hand. “My name is Fai.”
“Silly.” She poked at his hand with a fingertip. “I know that.”
Fai gently took her hand and clasped it in his. “It is very nice to meet you, Chii.”
* * * * *
Part II
end note: I was reading this last night and I just went, "... WTF?" and thought I was crazy. but it's already written so, *shrug*. if for nothing else, I went ahead and posted this for the Fai/Chii, cuz they're so adorable.
for the music Fai performed for Ashura, I'm thinking something like this: Joanie Madden - The South Wind.