Closeted - ReitaxAoi - oneshot
Title: Closeted
Chapter: oneshot
Author: kurrren
Pairings: ReitaxAoi
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Bad words?
Summary: I don’t want to be a nobody in my lovers life
A/N: Wow, been a looong time since I wrote something. So uh. Got a strike of inspiration when I read a scene in a book, spun off of it and tada!
Reita and Aoi have always had a thing going on. From the moment they met they both knew that this, this was the one. The one person you know that no matter what, he’s the one for you. The problem was that Aoi was already out (at least to most of his friends and his siblings) but Reita never even knew he was in a closet. The fact that Reita saw no harm in hiding everything that made Aoi special to him had always been an infected wound in their relationship, Aoi always replied to Reita’s ”why do you even care if people know how much I love you’s” that he didn’t want to be a nobody in his lover’s life. He wanted more. And so he got more, he got more from people that were willing to give it to him because during those moments everything melted away and he was desired. Not someone that his lover was ashamed of loving, no. Someone worth fucking.
So that’s why Reita found himself on a gay club dancing close, close, close to his beloved and while they’re dancing Aoi is unashamedly flirting with a guy next to them on the dance floor. Reita gets provoked, and to mark some kind of ownership he leans forward and kisses Aoi. To show the other that Aoi is his and nobody else’s.
He smiles at Aoi but gets no smile back.
They continue to dance, Aoi shimmies closer to the other man, it’s almost like he turns his back to Reita. Reita feels pushed aside, and he sees that the other guy looks almost invigorated. Smirks, winks, flaunts himself. Without any sense of moral, Reita thinks scornfully. Completely shameless. Like, he must admit, Aoi.
Reita isn’t shameless. He’s ashamed in Aoi’s stead. Ashamed over Aoi’s cheap flirting. Ashamed over himself that he lets it happen, that he stands there like a fool on the dance floor, like a cuckold. Ashamed that he’s even at this kind of place in the first place. A gay club.
The smoke that wells onto the dancefloor smells like menthol. The strobe lights and the moving, colored light sweeps back and forth through the smoke, over the extatic dancing men. Sweaty bare chests, packed close together. Bodies that writhe, unknown men touching eachother, sticks against eachother.
This wasn’t what he wanted.
He only wanted Aoi and he never wanted to admit to himself that this whole life still disgusted him and that he hoped Aoi was just an exception to the rule. That he really was normal, that he liked women, because in Reita’s twisted mind he can’t be normal if he wants men. Men and Aoi. It’s unrealistic of him to think that he could just have a taste of it without swallowing.
Swallow it, Reita thinks, swallow what you’ve bit off.
This way of living in a denial just couldn’t go on. He had to make Aoi a somebody in his life or cut him loose.
A short while later Aoi stands in the bar, talking animatedly to the guy he flirted with on the dancefloor. They lean against eachother and yell into eachothers ears to hear over the music. Mouths so close, tickling like kisses. They laugh, always touching eachother.
A darkness grows in Reita.
Aoi’s hands touches the other. Caresses his neck, along his back and down to his crotch. Reita stands a few meters away and stares like a fool, waiting jealously that his lover will turn to him again, finish the game with this stranger and acknowledge him, Reita. Aoi must see that he stands there abandoned. It can’t be what he wants.
Reita tugs at Aoi.
”Come on, please! I wanna leave now. I’m tired of this.”
Aoi scoffs and frees himself from Reita.
”And I want to stay.”
”But I don’t want to…”
”What is it you don’t want?”
Yeah, that’s the question. What is it that Reita wants Aoi to do. There’s so much he can’t even phrase it.
He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want Aoi to put himself on display like that, like a cheap whore. He doesn’t want to stand in a crowd of gay people and feel like he doesn’t belong there. Like it’s not his place even though it clearly is Aoi’s.
He doesn’t want to!
”What is it you don’t want, I said?” Aoi snaps and at the same time winks at the other guy, to somehow show the other guy he’s just janking Reita’s chain.
”I don’t want to have to go home alone.”
Of all the things he could say to Aoi this is the only thing he says.
Looks down on his shoes. Cheeks burning in shame.
”Who’s that?” The stranger asks and smirks at Reita.
Aoi looks Reita straight in his eyes. Measures him.
”Oh that? That’s no-one.”
I don’t want to be a nobody in my lovers life. That’s what Aoi always told Reita. And that’s what he throws back in his face.
Demonstratively he puts an arm around the other guy and pulls him towards his lean body.
Reita turns around and walks hastily away from there, completely charged with darkness.
He pulls up the door to the men’s bathroom. Breathes heavily through his nose. Stares at himself in the mirror. Despises himself.
What’s he supposed to do now? Go back inside and try to make Aoi to come with him one last time?
People brush past him. Throw stares his way.
Reita looks at his heated face in the mirror. A pair of twinks glares at him.
He sees what they see.
Someone that doesn’t belong there.
Someone who has gone wrong.
With unexpected aggressiveness he all of a sudden smashes his fist against his reflection.
The twinks behind him gasp. The mirror glass shatters from corner to corner. Blood runs out over the white porcelain.
He knows one thing.
You can’t taste without swallowing.
Chapter: oneshot
Author: kurrren
Pairings: ReitaxAoi
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Bad words?
Summary: I don’t want to be a nobody in my lovers life
A/N: Wow, been a looong time since I wrote something. So uh. Got a strike of inspiration when I read a scene in a book, spun off of it and tada!
Reita and Aoi have always had a thing going on. From the moment they met they both knew that this, this was the one. The one person you know that no matter what, he’s the one for you. The problem was that Aoi was already out (at least to most of his friends and his siblings) but Reita never even knew he was in a closet. The fact that Reita saw no harm in hiding everything that made Aoi special to him had always been an infected wound in their relationship, Aoi always replied to Reita’s ”why do you even care if people know how much I love you’s” that he didn’t want to be a nobody in his lover’s life. He wanted more. And so he got more, he got more from people that were willing to give it to him because during those moments everything melted away and he was desired. Not someone that his lover was ashamed of loving, no. Someone worth fucking.
So that’s why Reita found himself on a gay club dancing close, close, close to his beloved and while they’re dancing Aoi is unashamedly flirting with a guy next to them on the dance floor. Reita gets provoked, and to mark some kind of ownership he leans forward and kisses Aoi. To show the other that Aoi is his and nobody else’s.
He smiles at Aoi but gets no smile back.
They continue to dance, Aoi shimmies closer to the other man, it’s almost like he turns his back to Reita. Reita feels pushed aside, and he sees that the other guy looks almost invigorated. Smirks, winks, flaunts himself. Without any sense of moral, Reita thinks scornfully. Completely shameless. Like, he must admit, Aoi.
Reita isn’t shameless. He’s ashamed in Aoi’s stead. Ashamed over Aoi’s cheap flirting. Ashamed over himself that he lets it happen, that he stands there like a fool on the dance floor, like a cuckold. Ashamed that he’s even at this kind of place in the first place. A gay club.
The smoke that wells onto the dancefloor smells like menthol. The strobe lights and the moving, colored light sweeps back and forth through the smoke, over the extatic dancing men. Sweaty bare chests, packed close together. Bodies that writhe, unknown men touching eachother, sticks against eachother.
This wasn’t what he wanted.
He only wanted Aoi and he never wanted to admit to himself that this whole life still disgusted him and that he hoped Aoi was just an exception to the rule. That he really was normal, that he liked women, because in Reita’s twisted mind he can’t be normal if he wants men. Men and Aoi. It’s unrealistic of him to think that he could just have a taste of it without swallowing.
Swallow it, Reita thinks, swallow what you’ve bit off.
This way of living in a denial just couldn’t go on. He had to make Aoi a somebody in his life or cut him loose.
A short while later Aoi stands in the bar, talking animatedly to the guy he flirted with on the dancefloor. They lean against eachother and yell into eachothers ears to hear over the music. Mouths so close, tickling like kisses. They laugh, always touching eachother.
A darkness grows in Reita.
Aoi’s hands touches the other. Caresses his neck, along his back and down to his crotch. Reita stands a few meters away and stares like a fool, waiting jealously that his lover will turn to him again, finish the game with this stranger and acknowledge him, Reita. Aoi must see that he stands there abandoned. It can’t be what he wants.
Reita tugs at Aoi.
”Come on, please! I wanna leave now. I’m tired of this.”
Aoi scoffs and frees himself from Reita.
”And I want to stay.”
”But I don’t want to…”
”What is it you don’t want?”
Yeah, that’s the question. What is it that Reita wants Aoi to do. There’s so much he can’t even phrase it.
He doesn’t want to be here. He doesn’t want Aoi to put himself on display like that, like a cheap whore. He doesn’t want to stand in a crowd of gay people and feel like he doesn’t belong there. Like it’s not his place even though it clearly is Aoi’s.
He doesn’t want to!
”What is it you don’t want, I said?” Aoi snaps and at the same time winks at the other guy, to somehow show the other guy he’s just janking Reita’s chain.
”I don’t want to have to go home alone.”
Of all the things he could say to Aoi this is the only thing he says.
Looks down on his shoes. Cheeks burning in shame.
”Who’s that?” The stranger asks and smirks at Reita.
Aoi looks Reita straight in his eyes. Measures him.
”Oh that? That’s no-one.”
I don’t want to be a nobody in my lovers life. That’s what Aoi always told Reita. And that’s what he throws back in his face.
Demonstratively he puts an arm around the other guy and pulls him towards his lean body.
Reita turns around and walks hastily away from there, completely charged with darkness.
He pulls up the door to the men’s bathroom. Breathes heavily through his nose. Stares at himself in the mirror. Despises himself.
What’s he supposed to do now? Go back inside and try to make Aoi to come with him one last time?
People brush past him. Throw stares his way.
Reita looks at his heated face in the mirror. A pair of twinks glares at him.
He sees what they see.
Someone that doesn’t belong there.
Someone who has gone wrong.
With unexpected aggressiveness he all of a sudden smashes his fist against his reflection.
The twinks behind him gasp. The mirror glass shatters from corner to corner. Blood runs out over the white porcelain.
He knows one thing.
You can’t taste without swallowing.