post 5 of 5
well, so here i am, actually typing up something personal to post in my LJ. of course, ive been planning to do this for a couple weeks now. constantly thinking of how it'll go. all kinds of feelings, mostly depressing of course, and here i am actually typing when im in a fairly good mood. probably because i just sat through the entire disc two of scrubs season two (perhaps about to earn title of 'best TV show ever'), so mayhaps (why the hell did i just type that*) ill actually not be depressing and whiney and instead just go on dr. cox inspired type rants...who am i kidding, its almost certain to get whiney at some point, im just too good at it not to. and while its a great theme song, i need to go stop the DVD now...
...so lately ive had some really good times (we'll get to the 'but' in a sec, and unfortunately there were no cute butts involved...well, th...nah, later). ive gotten a lot more involved with magic and that group of friends to the point of that being mostly all i do during the weekends (fun times). and weekdays have often been work, sleep until 8 or 9pm, tredmill, shower, watch dvds/tv until 2am, sleep until 7am, repeat. which isnt horrible for a random weekday, but the problem is that that is all ive had lately...random weekdays. not all of them have that screwy sleep schedule (just the ones following the late sunday). but even the ones that should be solid weekdays (that is so not the phrase i was looking for) are just random. and this isnt a HAIL ERIS kind of random, its more of a bland 'is this really my life?' kinda random (see, here comes some of that whining, told ya so). combining those weekdays with my completely-full-with-magic-and-magic-friends-weekends and you get what my mom so eloquently put as "I'm just wondering how you'll meet a nice girl." yeah, so it seems that magic is the only thing worth talking about in my life to the point that my mom has figured this out. of course, her approach was more subtle than i may have just let on. and before you pull out your copy of that horrible game mat from office space and start your jumping, i do not plan on quitting magic...didnt you just read the part where i said (or at least implied) that it was important to me. what im saying is that i need to find something else to spend time on as well. my problem is motivation. sure, i may tell myself that i dont have enough free time. the truth is, free time is about all i do have when im not at work, but since i lack the motivation to make the most of that time and there is always something to do, i just do whatever is handy; like DVDs, sorting magic cards, playing a game, or just going online...hell, ive even started procrastinating sorting my cards. i know this is the problem and i know where i want to be, the problem is getting there. actually disciplining myself enough to start and follow through...i still need to decide what to start with. i tried going to 8seconds (line-dance club) a couple saturdays ago; it went okay, i was there, got out on the dance floor, learned a couple dances (of course ill have to relearn them next time). but i can only go so long standing around for 10-15 minutes watching and finally getting in 1 minute on the floor before the song is over (over 5 minutes because i dont get out there for every song). but dammit, i really enjoy myself once im there; it doesnt matter that im alone, that i was alone all day, that i wanted to hang out with enough friends to make the size of my main room actually matter, it doesnt matter that i went to the club alone because i had nothing better to do, that ill be going home alone, and it doesnt matter that next time ill be there alone too (wow, i got all that and didnt even start on anyone else not mattering)...all that matters is that im out there having fun. but the rest of the time, i AM alone, and im not even near to the point where i can just jump out on the dance floor and know the steps...and getting there will/would be a long journey. is it worth it? i dont know yet, but thats not the only possibility. there are other things; i wouldnt mind getting back into ballroom dancing, finding some new and interesting place to go (like a jazz club or something, where i can just relax and listen for a while), something interesting, something exciting, preferably something somewhere non-smoking. restless...and not motivated...horrible combo. i need to stop procrastinating everything, and more than that i need to actually figure out what it is i need to do...not where i want to be, not even what i need to do to get there, but literally 'what is that first step?'...is it actually just picking up the phone book and looking up 'dance lessons' or googling 'indianapolis dancing'...
...just googled...i guess it really might be that easy...of course this means ill now be on the internet still until i find what to actually go out and do and figuring out if ive found the best place yet, but at least it is a start...i wonder what 'what is there to do in indianapolis' will find?...ill have to try that later.
so now comes the obligatory time where i start thinking 'is that really what i want?' i have to ask because so many times i get back to this whole 'alone' thing where all i want is some girl i can call my own ::flashback to oldies music::, and maybe all this find-something-to-do stuff is just to distract me. or hell, maybe ive just come to accept that i'll be alone and i realize that keeping busy will dull the pain...well, until i crawl into bed and the only thing next to me is the extra pillow. but you know what the worst part of it all is?...no no, you're going to love this one, really, i mean it...compared to most people, i have no right to complain. i have a great family, no money problems, good friends, a decent paying job. but of course, like everyone else, i notice what i dont have, and i cant help but notice that so many others do have those things. you know, i think this might actually touch on the reason...the past couple of years now i have every so often just asked a girl on a date because i convinced myself 'why not?' and then spent about 5 minutes gathering the courage to actually do so. and it isnt that any have turned out well (a look at my non-existant recent dating will tell you that), but the fact that even when i get some kind of 'no' i still feel good in some way. so it turns out she's married, engaged, has a boyfriend, is a lesbian (okay, so i havent run into this one...yet? ;) it doesnt matter...i mean, well, it does, but not beyond the fact that it was a no. maybe it just makes me feel like i actually have more of a social life. ::shrug:: though, the fact that all the girls ive asked are taken makes me wonder if there is anyone left...of course the optimist in me (how is he still alive?) likes to think i just have good taste in women...i mean, if every girl im interested in is worth marrying, i guess im looking for the correct qualities...of course that does mean that i have to wait until one of these girls gets the nerve to divorce the asshole she married. well, either that or find a girl who is younger and just getting to the point of wanting to get married...but oh wait, i tried that one already once and wow did that turn out great (scrubs inspired sarcasm there for ya...i did watch an entire disc of scrubs earlier...remember? arent you paying attention?...really, if you know what im talking about you can go back and picture dr cox being the one ranting and ripping on me with a lot of this, i was doing it while typing it half the time. go on, you'll be laughing with me not at me, i promise...you ass). and i want to keep going, but not sure where to, so i'll just say some things to some friends:
about damn time and what else is going on, not that i want to but i think weve just drifted a bit apart, i want to hang out more just not sure when/for what, definitely need to hang out more and get games going again...will others be welcome to bring the crowd above 3?, i know you said not to expect anything but im still a little disappointed, i wish there was more to say to you outside of tournaments, its good to know you'll be completely honest and maybe the openness will rub off a little, blah, i miss you, dont know each other too well outside of a group but i can identify sometimes on here, very much need to talk more, wish we had more to talk about as well since i hardly even see you at tournaments, you may be the one person i feel comfortable talking to about an...almost anything, i still miss you, and...do we even have anything in common any more?
*ive been thinking that a little too often...being too weird even for me. maybe im finally starting to go insane. ::sigh:: one can hope.