Anyway. The general flow now. This part was one big chuck of narration and one big chuck of dialogues (with fragments of narration, but still mostly dialogues). Is there a way to make them intersecting blocks of medium-sized narration and dialogues? Actually, it might not be the size's problem, but the flatness of some parts. No, that's not the word. It's not flat. It's more like decompression.
Domino sighs dramatically before half-turning and, with surprising alacrity, slapping Ariana's hand off her shirt. The woman draws her hand back, red eyes flashing in outrage. She steps forward to grab at the little brat again, but Domino is already walking off, leaving Ariana to seethe.What we just have is a decompressed scene. Time the action in real time. It's about three to five seconds long. The sigh takes almost a whole second, the slap and draw back hand takes half a second, the glare takes about one second and grab is less than one second, walk off is one, at most two. It's long, short, long, short, long. When
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If TR refuse passage to the player when we're out of money it would be normal/formal. If they were evil they'd beat the player up before/after refusing. Instead they took pity on the player being poor and let the player pass anyway. I mean, in real life, if you go on a bus and doesn't have enough money to pay the fare, you'd get kicked off. Yet those two Team Rocket grunts let you pass instead of kicking you out and force you to take the dangerous tall grass route. That's pretty kind to me
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You only use rubies when you talk about the colour red and you haven't used much red. In fact, you haven't used much colours in general. This fic is a monochrome gray (you use relatively more black and white than other colours) most of the times. It does add to the gritty feeling and accentuate the red, but if you didn't intend this you could add more colours. Blue would be good
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Anyway. The general flow now. This part was one big chuck of narration and one big chuck of dialogues (with fragments of narration, but still mostly dialogues). Is there a way to make them intersecting blocks of medium-sized narration and dialogues? Actually, it might not be the size's problem, but the flatness of some parts. No, that's not the word. It's not flat. It's more like decompression.
Domino sighs dramatically before half-turning and, with surprising alacrity, slapping Ariana's hand off her shirt. The woman draws her hand back, red eyes flashing in outrage. She steps forward to grab at the little brat again, but Domino is already walking off, leaving Ariana to seethe.What we just have is a decompressed scene. Time the action in real time. It's about three to five seconds long. The sigh takes almost a whole second, the slap and draw back hand takes half a second, the glare takes about one second and grab is less than one second, walk off is one, at most two. It's long, short, long, short, long. When ( ... )
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