So...quick update because if I get too much into the whole explanation I tend to get angry. I am no longer seeing the endocrinologist that I was. After being told that she wouldn't treat me without me having plans for a future hysterectomy I figured it was best to get myself as far away from that doctor as I possibly could. And I have.
I'm now making an appointment with the community health center which has a pretty solid pro-trans reputation.
I guess the thing that really caused me to reach my breaking point was the hysterectomy. I kept on trying to explain to my therapist and my endocrinologist that I'm not being irresponsible by not having one. Regardless, it's my decision. My body. I just don't feel like having a uterus and etc. makes me any less of a man. If I get regular check-ups I'm not putting myself at risk for cancer. And finally, there is no data to support or withdraw from the theory that testosterone can cause ovarian cancer.
I don't want to have to defend myself for a decision that I consider a personal one.
My therapist tried to explain it by saying I still have some attachment to that part of myself; the girl part of me. It frustrates me. I've put so much of myself into not being a girl. Into claiming the identity of who I am. Of being a boy. I don't understand how not wanting an invasive, 20,000 dollar surgery is considered a want to be my former self.
I guess what I really need is for someone else who has not elected to get a hysto explain to me their reasonings for not wanting it. Because now I feel...confused? I just don't feel as confident as I was in my decision as I was before dealing with this doctor.