Oh gods it's another long rambling post
Setting:
Listening to "Handlebars" by Flobots repeatedly
Listening to "Mother Father" by Dave Matthews Band
Reading the "Reasons to not vote for Obama" thread
Reading the "Regarding a rumor..." thread
A post regarding Vermont topping a current national poll about religious identity in the lack-thereof category, and some of the responses that came with it-, specifically a discussion whether a lack of 'belief in something higher/larger than yourself' was sad
Watching the "Watchman" video-comic, focusing intently on Juspeczyk's flashbacks and musing on her past
Re-reading a scene from "Children of the Star" by Sylvia Engdahl
Caught up in a movement larger than yourself
in a moment larger than yourself
larger
higher?
higher?
better, superior, more perfect?
or merely...
water
forces of tide and current, enormous pressures
the real world
dark and deep and complicated dangerous
protect the children
safe little raft boxes
no windows
except to the stars and the sunsets
protect them from the dark and deep
protect them from death
birds flying by
dreams
the optimism of possibility
you can do anything someday
growing up
is
no longer so protected
responsibilities
aiding the community
working for yourself
the walls come off your raft first
so as to build new rafts for the new children
and you see the horizons
and the depth of the water
but still on the raft
some climb over to feed and care for the kids
feed and care for the elderly
some fish for food
some tend the cloth roof for rain water
some hang off the edge
feet in the water to kick and swim, pushing the boat
different roles for different people
some try to understand the currents around
predicting the future, preparing the way
economists and priests
weathermen
You asked what the dark night of the soul was
and I pondered for a few minutes
grabbing my copy of "Children of the Star"
reading the experience of seeing the stars
and his panic.
I finally posted four paragraphs.
The first explained that no, it doesn't require belief in a soul.
The name's possibly misleading that way.
I explained it first as the doubt and anxiety,
"the possibility that everything known and loved is illusion and impermanent,
that the one, your self, is powerless
in the face of the enormity of the universe and the impersonal forces of nature creating and destroying."
Then I introduced the raft metaphor, in far fewer words.
[blockquote]I want to liken it to having lived life on a raft, some people having to stick their feet in and kick to get anywhere, some being fortunate enough to have been in currents that led to good places without much effort. Each person on their own raft, some overlapping and sticking together pretty well, some being torn away from each other by their desires to go in different places, or the impersonal currents leading them apart. And then the raft is gone, suddenly anything you relied on to stay afloat is gone. That time, still panicked, flailing in the water, trying to figure out how not to drown, that is the "dark night of the soul."
In that understanding of the metaphor, the religious and/or spiritual may, and only may, serve as a tether, a life-line, some distance away in the water. People who manage to learn to swim to it, as in AA 12 steps, may find a sense of strength with it. People who have sudden religious/spiritual experiences that stay with them and awaken something in them have found that the tether was tied around their waists all along.
I can say, honestly, that I use that imagery thanks to part of the song "Mother Father" by Dave Matthews Band. That song requires no sense of soul, or God, or hell, using the phrases "There's no God above and no hell below; oh it's here with us, it's up to us to keep afloat." And possibly I've misinterpreted it greatly, but it's part of the meaning I've derived, and it's made such a useful metaphor.[/blockquote]
water
forces of tide and current, enormous pressures
the real world
everyone afloat
some on their rafts of belief
their conveniently supportive currents
and some not
some swimming of their own power alone
having lost even that as they grew up
as it was torn to shreds by the currents they faced
as it was taken by the more fortunate
as it was left behind to the family that disowned them
or not
dropping through the water like stones
the statistics of the lost
some trying flailing desperate
no support no structure
dark night of the soul
and maybe they see a tether
and maybe they don't
and sometimes
the communities of rafts
of people banding together
seeing different possible currents ahead
different possibilities for their world
argue
strife
divide
different groups preferring different currents
some swimming away alone
never to return
some silently staying with the majority
in hopes of the old days returning
after these currents
these political movements, these elections of choice of the preferred future
have been decided
In real life
my mother taught me
sometimes people don't stay friends
sometimes people don't stay in love
sometimes people regret their decisions
and it happens
so much
that you can't do anything about it Kylie
it pissed me off
I wanted to prove her wrong
I wanted her to be happy
and instead of settling for the situation
know that the only [i]settling[/i] she was doing
was being so [i]realistically[/i] accepting of the situation
strong emotions
2nd-hand emotions
like smoke from a cigarette someone else smokes
strong, 2nd-hand emotions
from these songs and these conversations
Juspeczyk eventually saw her past as meaningless
random events
tagging along in the wake of her mother's life
a mimicry and echo a ripple
of the currents another experience
of the currents surrounding the time of her life
the currents
the forces
the pressures directing and pushing
and this is where people live
in the water of the currents
"you can do anything"?
no
some things will be impossible
the force from where you are simply too great to exceed
and some things will be easy
and it changes
a million legs kicking in the same direction
can change the surface of the water around them, at least
it can change the direction they go in
this surface place
between the heavens and the sea
another womb of the goddess
tough love
the sea is not kind in a human-level scale
unless kindness is tough, harsh,
pushing you so that if you survive
it's been fulfilling
no simple puddle to lay in and feel moisture
survival and effort
Hmm.
I think this was a good venting.
My initial title was going to be,
"Something missing in my stories"
and refer to that sense of movements larger than one person's intentions.
I've been watching a lot of Naruto with Brad lately.
It's lovely in some of the protagonist's beliefs,
in how often he successfully pushes people to improve their situations instead of accepting a painful sadness,
and always believes that it's possible.
It's not so lovely in that nearly every villain is connected to Orochimaru in some way, if only in having had an exchange of resources at some point.
The single Big Bad responsible for a lot of what's wrong in the world is especially good in a kid's show with that overall moral, as it means he could be defeated.
But that's what keeps it so... simple.
There's no explanation as to why he's evil, at least not as of episode 28 of Shippuden.
He just always [i]looked[/i] wan and sketchy and snake-like, not unlike Voldemort.
There hasn't been any flashback explaining that he, too, like so many of the other villains, was a child who got corrupted in this-or-that way, and after years is now set in his viewpoints. Nothing. Just He's the Bad Guy!!!11 mindsets.
People villianize certain figures, certain people they feel are responsible for many of the bad things going on in the world.
It's a reversion to that kind of simplicity, that there is good, there is evil. Some people start out good, some start out evil. Some change sides during their lives. Most people like to believe they have good intentions, but when it comes down to it would do terrible things for the good of themselves and anyone important to them.
I've heard it as "evil" means "to do harm", for the sake of harming, without an intention of greater good for it. Breaking an arm, rather than re-breaking an arm to help it heal straight. And "good", then, means "to aid, to help"... But, then, Kreia comes in and asks where good intentions lead. She advises you to learn to see the currents, and to observe them before taking any action.
We can't all watch the currents, Kreia.
And besides that, even if we all could, it would be useless; the currents wouldn't include the information of where each person intends to strike to change things. Everyone watching the current would mean much the same chaos as no one doing so.
OH, but she's the EXILE, she's the MAIN CHARACTER, you luv her so much and want her to succeed in your master plan. So SHE gets to learn how to do this, and be-fucked the rest of the universe.
From an evolutionary viewpoint, you respond, yes. That's how it works. Yourself, your family, your clan/friends. Rings of importance, a pyramid stretching out. Most people are "everyone else", the Other and unknown and to be taken advantage of for the sake of your close ones.
Aspirations are for children.
Look at reality and bring about the ideal situation.
Realistic.
Sacrifice.
Responsibility.
Grunts and pawns and lvl1 Commoners and Red Shirts are the majority of people in the universe.
I want to feel my fingers around your throat, Kreia.
I want to prove you wrong.
Thrashing
panicking
desperate to stay afloat
An object of hatred unifies people.
A villain brings people together in opposition.
It's easier to be strong if you have somewhere to throw your hatred, something to build up strength in opposition to.
That's the First Scholar's lesson.
That's what projection is about.
These things we cannot bear to claim as being our own
Bullies punch a little, weak kid so they can stop being the weak ones in their lives.
People blame the political persons for what's going on in the world. Who did they vote for? How much did they do to support someone else? Did THEY try for office?
What happened to the hippies, anyway?
Peace and love and the universe as one, and what happened?
Death by overdose
clinging to the ideals of that era and no longer seeming appropriate for the situations of today
or turned into suv-driving, child's life directing yuppies.
Cynical era
That's growing up
There is no Santa Claus
You can't change the world
if you can't even drive a car or get a job
Show responsibility!
Your childhood is over
Here is a box
Please step in and don't push its limits.
We ask you this not because we are the evil oppressive people who want everyone to fit into the grid
but because this is how the world survives
this is how society survives
dependent on the understanding that most people will grow apathetic and do what they need to
very few will push
and most of them just love the idea of doing so
forming counter-cultures of drug use and whatever The Man---or their parents---say they shouldn't do.
Big Eyed Fish
Fish can't breath air, those who leave where they should be die
dreaming to fly is a waste of time and hope
It's because they love you
and they want what's best for you
learn from our experiences
fish don't breath when flopping on a beach
and I know, too
I'm actually surrounded by people telling me to fly
I'm surrounded by people telling me to create
to experiment
to grow and live
I know, too,
that the urge to kill Kreia
is the urge to kill that voice in me.
Calling it Kreia is projection.
Because I understand it, and I want my ideals to seem more real than that cynical understanding, and they don't.
I don't know what to paint.
It's break, and I'm far behind on the amount of artwork I should have produced by now.
I want to create a lot illustrated the story world,
maps and illustrations of cities and landscapes and characters
and I've written so little
that I feel I don't know what there is
I'm so far behind of where I wanted to be now,
of where I suggested I'd be now.
If I listen to any of those songs again I'll start crying.
I talked to my teacher on Thursday, told him I'd work over break.
I went home and started making a larger, more complete map.
I worked on it, and had two copies by mid-day Friday. By Saturday, I had one with the ecological depiction that I assumed. I then picked up the geography book to see how accurate it was, and what kinds of weather different places would have. I continued doing that all day Sunday.
Monday, Brad and I cleaned the living room, went out and got a new vacuum to replace the one that broke, and had a clean floor for the first time in a long time.
Tuesday, I hurt, and I was tired, and instead of going to get breakfast and his game together, I stayed in bed while he left, and played on the computer when I could try and fail sleeping no more. The sound did, indeed, get on my nerves, in large part thanks to the sense of falling further and further behind, the sense that the room we'd spent so long cleaning was no longer my haven like it had been the last several days, and besides all that it was about the 4th day in a row without sunshine, and I was getting sick and tired and sad and apathetic at the gray skies reminding me of my inner haze.
Today I stayed in bed and slept poorly until noon. The churchbells across the way woke me up, and I got up and got cereal, then headed for the computer to try checking my email, another guilty glance to see if that teacher had sent the "So, Kylie, how far along are you" email yet, or the "So Kylie, when are we meeting again?" one. The email system wasn't working, and I wandered off instead to Serenity and LiveJournal. Thanks only to wanting to write this post did I check back at that forum and find that someone had asked me about what the "dark night of the soul" is in my words, leaving me to hope I did a good enough job answering it. I haven't even checked Kingdom of Loathing yet, which can take as much as over an hour to do if I do everything I intend in a day. It's 3:35. I don't know what shift Brad has, but when he gets home he'll probably want to keep playing Mad World. If I'm still in a mood like this, the sound will drive me crazy. Probably better if I try and play multiplayer with him, so I can let out some irritation by destroying them, and let the sounds become something I'm more used to. But that'll mean if I DO start a painting now, I'll get interrupted at an unknown time, and any paint out at the time will dry since it's acrylic and I don't have enough yogurt containers to protect them. Besides, what to paint? Cidyoz Hek'd, Goddess of Addiction and Self-destructive behavior. But posing humanoid forms without a reference picture is still one of my weaknesses, and I haven't found any reference pictures I like. Maybe I should go for, paint anyway and at worst use what I decide in it as reference for the better, later painting in which I do have a position that works for the concept. I know what a stiff picture of her looks like, which is far different than humanoid form moving and expressions.
What I need to do (why?)
X# of paintings. Enough to show a good idea of where the show will be, what the theme will be.
FINISHED FRICKEN PORTFOLIO
PROPER OUTLINE OF PROJECT
WORK ON THE PROJECT ITSELF
which seems to mean, spend a few hours submerging yourself in the style of writing in myths, see the several on my shelf as reference
buy new cable for computer screen
buy book for Brad
call parents
and/or call PCP himself and say, hey, what's up, why did I get this bill? Did I do something wrong here?
Continue cleaning, as in 1) take out the garbage bags 2) clear off the kitchen table 3) get the broken chairs and recyclables to where Brad can easily bring them out to his car to waste room there 4) remind Brad to see if that store wants the keyboard 5) eat something already and get the going-bad food into trashbags
What I NEED to do
should? need, should?
that man reminded me "should" is a word of boxes [i]imposed[/i] upon the world.
Is need a gentler word in the same vein?
Why do I need to do these things, quite honestly?
Pride, as not doing these things has shamed me.
Hypocrisy, It's all very well and good (how demeaning) to post so long and so philosophically at people and about the situations of the board and matters of religion. But when I don't bother with the mundane end of things, I can't make expectations that it'll stay there. And without that, things get much, much harder. Do you really want to keep giving in to a) laziness and b) a desire to kick-start a 'dark night' by sabotaging your graduation?
Ability, keeping things clean and flowing and building, so that when I feel these strong emotions and drives and beliefs, 2nd-hand or no, I'm in a good position to do something ABOUT it, whether that something is artwork or inviting people to meet and talk in our home, or what.
Happiness.... that elusive of goals that loved ones keep pushing at me, that sense of 'pushing' coming most when I'm in a guilty-don't-deserve-look-what-I-haven't-done sense... HAPPINESS, or contentment, or whatever. That so that I am healthy, and doing, and making, and something that my current self would envy. That so that I am alive.
Cynical doubts
Happiness is a small thing
but there is a great range of sorrows and suffering
who is that a paraphrase of quote from?
Dickens?
Even if it means the bitter and the sweet, the good and the bad, one has to be willing to embrace joy even at the risk of losing it all in order to have it.
am i willing ?