Enjoy the Silence - Chapter 1 (Mako's POV)
Chapter: 1
Pairing(s): Mako x Loki
Band(s): deadman & Sugar/König
Rating: R
Summary: They grew up together with different ideals and teachings that torn them apart, but there's one thing they both learned growing up.
Author's Notes: I haven't done a collaboration piece in a long time and this is different approach to it. I will be covering Mako's POV and my awesome friend lieburied is taking over Loki.
About three years ago, I was sitting in a hospital with my wife’s hand in mine as I spoke loving words to her. I told her about the events that were happening in my life without her and encouraged her to continue fighting this incurable disease just a little longer. I wanted to celebrate the success of my latest novel with her and tell her how much she inspired me to conclude it the way I did. I noticed her grip getting weaker and weaker by the minute and her eyes slowly closed as I began apologizing for not being the perfect model husband and not being able to save her from Death’s embrace. As she continued to fade away, my sanity began to follow. This is what I would tell a therapist how my problems began.
As a novelist and a psychiatrist, I tend to keep my personal life separate from my professional life, but I have become a bit of a hypocrite by partially exposing my marriage. Oddly enough, majority of my readers do not believe that I am capable of such a compassionate, warm emotion. Most writers would be hurt by this bit of information, but I have always been indifferent about revealing my emotions. With this factor, I not only analyze the behavior of my clients, I tend to analyze myself as well.
After much consideration, I decided to escape on a mental quest in Europe. The description of this quest seemed to have worried my editor and the publishing company I am under, but I assured them that it was necessary to seclude myself and test my limits in order to write another novel. I used a portion of the money I earned from all the novels published, flew to Europe, and negotiated a contract with a mental facility.
I wanted to immerse myself in the feeling of isolation and focus on my inner workings, the components that kept me going forward. The experience was intense, inspiring, and overwhelming in various degrees. I dug deep within and skimmed through the scenes of my mind, focusing on my interactions with those who made me the man that I am today. After piecing together all these components, I realized that vital pieces were missing and I wondered whether I had obtained those pieces at all. Maybe those pieces were missing in the beginning.
I thought of my wife and the emotions I felt once she was gone. I’m sure my readers wouldn’t believe me if I confessed how broken and empty I felt thinking of her in the asylum. If they knew how I felt during our marriage, it would be even more unbelievable.
Is it strange that I always felt like I wasn’t enough around her?
Most men would agree if they knew how amazing of a woman she was. She was a beautiful being. Always passionate with everything she set her mind to, selfless, and consistently modest. I admired her. I wanted to be like her. I tried to reach her half way and give back everything she had given me for those past four years.
After thinking of everything she had given me: all the support, inspiration, and love, I felt guilty for hiding my emotions. I know that it is common for men to experience difficulties in emotional expression toward their significant others, but this analytic point goes deeper in my case. Perhaps this factor is the cause of my cold or even stoic appearance in the public eye. Or even the reason why this is affecting my sanity more intensely as I mediate in this padded cell.
Forgive me, love, for hiding. I shared my heart with someone else.
Pairing(s): Mako x Loki
Band(s): deadman & Sugar/König
Rating: R
Summary: They grew up together with different ideals and teachings that torn them apart, but there's one thing they both learned growing up.
Author's Notes: I haven't done a collaboration piece in a long time and this is different approach to it. I will be covering Mako's POV and my awesome friend lieburied is taking over Loki.
About three years ago, I was sitting in a hospital with my wife’s hand in mine as I spoke loving words to her. I told her about the events that were happening in my life without her and encouraged her to continue fighting this incurable disease just a little longer. I wanted to celebrate the success of my latest novel with her and tell her how much she inspired me to conclude it the way I did. I noticed her grip getting weaker and weaker by the minute and her eyes slowly closed as I began apologizing for not being the perfect model husband and not being able to save her from Death’s embrace. As she continued to fade away, my sanity began to follow. This is what I would tell a therapist how my problems began.
As a novelist and a psychiatrist, I tend to keep my personal life separate from my professional life, but I have become a bit of a hypocrite by partially exposing my marriage. Oddly enough, majority of my readers do not believe that I am capable of such a compassionate, warm emotion. Most writers would be hurt by this bit of information, but I have always been indifferent about revealing my emotions. With this factor, I not only analyze the behavior of my clients, I tend to analyze myself as well.
After much consideration, I decided to escape on a mental quest in Europe. The description of this quest seemed to have worried my editor and the publishing company I am under, but I assured them that it was necessary to seclude myself and test my limits in order to write another novel. I used a portion of the money I earned from all the novels published, flew to Europe, and negotiated a contract with a mental facility.
I wanted to immerse myself in the feeling of isolation and focus on my inner workings, the components that kept me going forward. The experience was intense, inspiring, and overwhelming in various degrees. I dug deep within and skimmed through the scenes of my mind, focusing on my interactions with those who made me the man that I am today. After piecing together all these components, I realized that vital pieces were missing and I wondered whether I had obtained those pieces at all. Maybe those pieces were missing in the beginning.
I thought of my wife and the emotions I felt once she was gone. I’m sure my readers wouldn’t believe me if I confessed how broken and empty I felt thinking of her in the asylum. If they knew how I felt during our marriage, it would be even more unbelievable.
Is it strange that I always felt like I wasn’t enough around her?
Most men would agree if they knew how amazing of a woman she was. She was a beautiful being. Always passionate with everything she set her mind to, selfless, and consistently modest. I admired her. I wanted to be like her. I tried to reach her half way and give back everything she had given me for those past four years.
After thinking of everything she had given me: all the support, inspiration, and love, I felt guilty for hiding my emotions. I know that it is common for men to experience difficulties in emotional expression toward their significant others, but this analytic point goes deeper in my case. Perhaps this factor is the cause of my cold or even stoic appearance in the public eye. Or even the reason why this is affecting my sanity more intensely as I mediate in this padded cell.
Forgive me, love, for hiding. I shared my heart with someone else.