KHR Fic- The Sweetest Misery
Title- The Sweetest Misery
Author - Kyradesu
Rating - PG-13(?) for suicide
FF.net Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5827068/1/
Pairing - Tsuna/Kyoko & hinted 5986
Warnings - Suicide. Or not. Depends on which way you want to take it.
Summary - Haru is in love. But Haru is also delusional.
A/N: My first fic for the fandom. I actually started this back in December after listening to 'Almost Lover' by A Fine Frenzy. I just....sort of forgot about it till now ^_^"
Anyway it’s basically a Haru-centric fic about her possible reaction to Tsuna/Kyoko. Not that I really think any of this would actually happen. I actually wanted to give it a 5986 ending but it didn’t seem to fit, so i put in the alternative ending. Feel free to take it whichever way you want.
Thanks Mel for helping me name this fic. Enjoy!
The Sweetest Misery
A KHR Fanfiction by Kyra
Haru is in love.
She has been in love with Sawada Tsunayoshi for exactly five months, two weeks, three days, thirteen hours and fifteen minutes. She has written his name over a hundred times in almost all of her school books on almost every page. Every night as she lies in bed, she repeatedly whispers the words ‘Mrs Sawada’ under her breath a thousand times before she finally allows herself to drift to sleep. The name sends tingles of pleasure and anticipation own her spine every time she mummers it. That name will one day become hers, she thinks to herself as she dwells in her pleasant dream world, filled with images that reflect her deepest desires. She immerses herself in the delicious fantasies she conjures up within her head and dreams the night away.
She dreams of being held in the arms of her beloved, feeling his fingertips softly caress her skin as she dreams of them walking along a beach drenched with the colors of the sunset, palm trees swaying gently in the background. She imagines him cradling her in his arms as she sits upon his lap in the sand, watching as the last rays of the sun dip below the horizon. She pictures herself safe and warm in his arms as they huddle together under the covers, as her leans down to kiss her ever so sweetly. Her face, nose, ears and neck all covered with his tender loving kisses. She savors every single one of them, every touch and every word he whispers to her, because his affection is what she longs for most of all.
Ah...such sweet, sweet images. Haru welcomes them into her mind with open arms. Night time has become her favorite time of day, simply because it is when she can allow herself to wander aimlessly in her fantasies.
True, they are just images for now. But Haru believes that it will one day become more than that. Mrs Sawada Tsunayoshi. She longs to have that name to herself. It is her greatest wish, her wildest fantasy. It is something that she dearly wishes will become a reality...no, in fact it is something that she has already convinced herself will inevitably come true in the future. There is not a shadow of a doubt in her mind. Haru trusts her heart, and that’s all there is to it.
She has already made plans for the wedding, already picked out the dress that she’ll wear. She spends hours endlessly fantasizing about the moment she is led down the aisle to where her husband-to-be waits for her at the altar, a soft sweet smile on his face. She has planned out each and every moment to perfection, playing and replaying the entire event in her mind time and again. She can picture it so well by now. She has already decided that her bridesmaid will be Kyoko, her best friend in the whole entire world. She will be by Haru’s side to share her joy on that momentous day. It will be the wedding every girl has ever dreamed of, the wedding that will earn every girls envy.
Haru is already making preparations for that day. She follows Tsuna around faithfully at any given opportunity, persistently ignoring Gokudera and his insane accusations of her being a stalker. She never fails to make herself useful to him if he is in need. She is always looking for ways to get closer to him, always looking to get to know him better. Some would say that her lover for Tsuna is bordering on becoming an obsession. She knows almost everything there is to know about him. His favorite color is blue, he adores the taste of pineapples and he never wears the same boxers twice. Haru scribbles all of this in her own tiny notebook that she carries along wherever she goes, studying it with intense concentration whenever she gets the chance to. She wants to know Tsuna the best she can. She wants know him better than anyone else on this world, because she wants more than anything to be his.
Haru is in love.
But she is also delusional.
X X X X X
It is ten years into the future that she begins to realize that her beloved might not be exactly who she thinks he is. It all happens in a flash and suddenly Haru finds herself in a strange world full of strange things, things that she doesn’t quite understand. It is a place that looks like Namimori, but it is not the Namimori that she knows and is familiar with. Here things are weird and bizarre. Here she is forced to hide in a strange underground base from mysterious people in black and white uniforms that would otherwise chase her around, using strange cube shaped weapons that seemed to run on abnormally colored flames. Haru doesn’t quite understand this world. She doesn’t quite know what to think of it. The only comfort she has is that her beloved and her best friend are there with her. She is grateful for that, that she still has a sense of familiarity in this unknown place.
Haru is now trapped in this strange new world, but never for a moment does she cease to think of what’s really important, helping Tsuna. It isn’t long before she and Kyoko make themselves useful, cooking, and cleaning and doing any household chores that might need to be done. Haru feels a sense of satisfaction at knowing that she’s being of use to the one she loves, even if she is beginning to suspect that there is something he’s not telling them. She’s heard snippets of the conversations that go on between Tsuna and the other boys. They speak of things she’s never heard of, such as ‘Vongola’ and ‘Millifiore’. Haru wonders what those words mean...
She begins to worry that something strange is incredibly dangerous is going on when the boys show up for dinner all bruised and battered. She worries even more when they vanish from the base for hours on end, returning at odd hours and not saying a word, pretending that nothing’s wrong even when she can clearly see their true emotions reflected in their eyes. Kyoko shares her suspicions and her concern. She wants to know, they want to know. They have a right to after all. Together they make up their minds to confront him together, deciding not to yield until they know the truth.
She almost immediately wishes she hadn’t.
The truth is so shocking she almost breaks into tears on the spot. Only with sheer willpower did she manage to hold herself together for Tsuna. She plasters a large, lopsided smile on her face and tells Tsuna in her usual chirpy voice, her words punctuated with her usual happy desu’s, that she is just fine. She knows he knows that she’s lying, but she persists, holding the smile that masks her feelings together until he leaves. Only then does she allow herself to fall to her knees, trembling violently as tears poured from her eyes with no visible intention of stopping. She doesn’t look up as Bianchi enters the room, leaning down towards her, extending an arm in a gesture of comfort. Haru is barely aware of her surroundings as she thrusts her head into the older woman’s chest, sobbing and shuddering, releasing all of her sadness and frustration.
It takes a few minutes, but finally she is able to stand again. She wipes away her tears and thanks Bianchi for her patience. She hasn’t gotten over the shock of the truth yet, but she knows that she has to move on.
Because Haru is in love, she will continue to support Tsuna no matter what he is or what he becomes.
Because Haru is in love.
X X X X X
It is ten years into the future and sometime after that that she comes to realize that her fantasy might be and always remain just that, a fantasy. Slowly but surely she begins to see it, the signs that were so obvious before. They are so blindingly obvious that Haru wonders how she could have missed them so easily. The way they gazed longingly at each other, the meaningful smiles they shared as they spoke. Haru realizes that she has never seen Tsuna gaze at anyone else the way he did at Kyoko. So tenderly, so lovingly...her heart aches. She is barely able to watch as sees his feelings flash across his face, the expressions that she has always dreamed of, always longed to see. But now she sees them directed at someone else.
It hurts.
Haru may be delusional but she is not blind.
Still she pretends she sees nothing. She chooses the less painful option of ignoring the obvious signs, pretending to be oblivious as she always seems to be. She knows her acting isn’t going unnoticed. She sees Bianchi flashing her worried looks out of the corner of her eye when she thinks Haru isn’t looking. She sees Gokudera shaking his head at her from a distance every time she flashes her fake smiles and speaks to Tsuna as if nothing’s wrong. Still she continues to pretend.
But deep down, Haru knows that one day, she will have to accept the inevitable reality. She knows she can’t deny the truth forever and she’s afraid of what’ll happen when she finally has to admit it.
X X X X X
And that day comes ten years and several months later, when the war against Byakuran has finally been won. The love of her life descends from the sky, tired and worn from his long battle. She runs towards him, eager to greet him, but stops short. The first person he embraces in his arms is not she who so enthusiastically reaches for him. No, he doesn’t even see her there. He has eyes for one and only one person. And she is none other than her own best friend, Kyoko.
She can only watch in horror as he extends his arms, as she runs into them, as they embrace each other, lovingly, longingly. She watches as their lips meet, as he kisses her tenderly.
And she’s kissing him back.
Haru feels her dreams slowly beginning to collapse around her. The fantasies that she’d built up brick by brick, daydream by daydream are being torn down, all in this one instant. She can’t bear to watch yet she can’t seem to tear her eyes away from what she doesn’t want to see. She can no longer deny the truth that she’s tried to blind herself to for so long.
Haru is in love.
But Haru will never be loved back.
X X X X X
Ten years back to the present when all the madness is finally over. No more Byakuran and no more Millifiore. Everyone’s relieved now that the fate of the world is no longer on the line. It feels as if a great burden has been lifted from all their shoulders. But Haru’s heart feels heavier than ever. She feels as if she’s lost a precious part of herself in the future, something that she can never regain.
Still, it’s a relief to be back in her own time. At least here she doesn’t have to be in their constant presence anymore. Here she can hide herself in her home, out of sight, away from them because she can’t look at them without crying. She hasn’t spoken to Tsuna since the day they returned from the future and she can barely keep her fake smile in place whenever Kyoko talks to her. No matter how hard she tries, she can’t avoid Kyoko, her best friend.
Her best friend who now happens to be in a relationship with the love of her life.
She can’t bring herself to hate Kyoko, but neither can she find it in her heart to be genuinely happy for her. Haru is not selfless. How can she be happy when all she’s ever dreamed of has been stolen away from her? Occasionally she resents her for taking the place that was rightfully hers. But Haru isn’t stupid. She knows now that Tsuna never felt anything for her in the first place. Her fantasy was just that, a fantasy, built upon delusions and daydreams. Haru understands now that her dreams were groundless; they would never have come true.
Her nights have become sleepless and torturous. The images that she was once so fond of have become nothing more than painful reminders of the life and love that she will never have. Yet they continue to play again and again in her mind like an old broken record, refusing to leave her alone. The haunt her She turns and tosses at night, stifling her screams with her pillow that’s drenched from her constant stream of tears.
The notebook she’d once filled with his name had its pages ripped out one by one, destroyed beyond repair just like she’d become. She burnt them using the kitchen stove until they were no more than ash. Gone, just like all her hopes for a perfect fairytale ending.
She knows that she has nothing left to gain by loving him, and yet she just can’t seem to let go.
Haru is trapped by her own emotions.
X X X X X
So Haru decides to end it once and for all. She’s made her decision and no one can stop her. To live suffering in a nightmare or to die and end her misery? The choice is too easy to make...
She’s already written her goodbyes to everyone she loves, her parents, her friends, even to Kyoko. She’s tucked the letters away somewhere where they won’t find them, at least not till she’s long gone. She smiles bitterly to herself, knowing that they’ll never understand her feelings, but she can’t bear to leave them without at least a simple farewell.
Her cell phone lies discarded in a trashcan somewhere along the streets of Namimori so that no one can interfere with her decision. It’s raining, pouring heavily as she steps out of her house without an umbrella. She doesn’t want to take the trouble of binging one out, since she won’t be around to bring it back. She doesn’t mind that she’s getting soaked. It doesn’t matter, nothing matters now. She won’t allow for anything to change her mind. Slowly she begins to walk towards the place that started it all.
The bridge. Ah she remembers this place so well. It was the place where she’d first fallen in love with Sawada Tsunayoshi after she’d saved her. Haru can’t help but remember it as if it were only yesterday. How young and naive she’d been as she’d walked home that day, filled with euphoria from the feeling of first love. How foolish and full of hope she’d been on that day as she’d begun to scribble hearts all over her notebook. How innocent she’d been, not knowing that things would end up like this. She smiles, thinking of how ironic yet appropriate it was to end her life in the exact same place where it all began.
Haru can feel the end drawing near. She’s afraid, yet relieved that she’ll finally be free. She will no longer be shackled to the memories of an unrequited love, no longer have to feel the pains of a broken heart. She welcomes death now, stepping up onto the ledge, looking at the swirling water below. She know she cant swim, and she knows that this time, there won’t be anyone around to save her. Cars drive past but they can’t see her, the rain is much too heavy. She’s truly alone. For one final moment, Haru looks back at her life, her love, her nightmare...and makes her final decision.
She’s free.
.
.
.
X X X X X
Alternate 5986-ish Ending
“AHONNA!”
She gasps her brown eyes wide open as she’s startled by the voice behind her. She nearly slips over the edge in But she doesn’t, for someone grips her roughly by the wrist, pulling her back onto the pavement and into their arms. For a moment she struggles in the grasp of her so-called savoir.
Until she realizes who it is.
“H-hahi! G-gokudera-kun?!”
He doesn’t speak, only holding her. For a moment she’s fearful, her heart pounds violently against her chest as she wonders what’ll happen next. They stand in the rain, unspeaking, unmoving. Haru finally gathers the courage to look up at him.
He’s crying.
Before she knows it, her own tears overflow. How close had she come to leaving this nightmare? How close had she come to leaving her own pain behind, only to cause pain to so many others in return? What had she been thinking? Haru can’t even remember anymore. She’s overwhelmed by her own emotions and those of the silver haired teen who stands before her.
She doesn’t really want to die. She doesn’t really want to leave everything behind. She’s being selfish, caring only for herself, sparing not a thought for all those that she would leave behind.
She clings to him, grateful for the warmth. She could suddenly fee the freezing cold of the rain that’d seemed so insignificant mere moments ago. It was as if all her feeling had returned to her, along with her desire to live.
Finally as the rain stops, Haru’s tears dry up too. She sniffles, gratefully blowing into the tissue that Gokudera hands to her as he begins to mutter (mostly to himself) about how stupid she is. She smiles weakly and doesn’t take anything he says to heart. She feels better, the best she’s ever felt in a long while.
Haru’s heart was still broken; perhaps it will forever be beyond repair. She might learn to love again, or she may not. But at this moment, none of it really matters her.
Because at this moment, Haru is happy.
End
And there you go, a crap-tastic first-fandom-fic.
Remember!Comments are love~!