The Ballad of Lenny and Carl (The Simpsons)
The Ballad of Lenny and Carl
Kyra Cullinan [kyrafic [AT] gmail.com]
The Simpsons, Lenny/Carl, PG
Summary: Me & you and you & me. Everyday in Springfield.
Story notes: Written for veracious for the Yuletide 2005 challenge. As usual, buckets of thanks to annakovsky for beta duty.
Lenny: Carl, I see Heaven.
Carl: What does it look like?
Thousands of Carl angels: Hurry up, Lenny. We'll be late for work at the plant!
Lenny wakes up and goes to work. He wears his favorite green shirt. Outside the sky is blue and the nuclear plant is shiny against it. In the parking lot he meets Carl exactly halfway to the door, just like every day.
"Morning, Carl," he says.
"Morning, Lenny," says Carl. It's Tuesday or maybe Wednesday and the door clangs shut behind them.
**
Lenny rolls backwards down the hall in his chair until he gets to Carl's door.
"Wanna go see how many post-its we can stick on Homer in the control booth before he wakes up?"
"Hell yes," says Carl.
On the way back, they pass Charlie in the hall.
"Do the two of you ever go anywhere separately?" he asks.
"It's weird, isn't it?" says Carl.
**
Lenny wakes up and goes to work and at five o'clock Carl stands in the doorway and jingles his keys.
"Shall we?" he says.
"I believe I hear a barstool calling my name," says Lenny and they go together.
Lenny likes Moe's because it always smells the same and his stool is perfectly molded to the shape of his butt.
"Hit me, Moe," he says, as Carl slides into the seat beside him.
Six seven eight hours later and Homer's staring blearily into his glass.
"Why do you think they named it beer?" he says. "Why not 'turtle' or 'shiny gold drink of happiness' or 'love'?"
Lenny twists his body around to see if Carl knows.
"You got me," says Carl, and sets down his mug. There's a thud from Homer's end of the bar, and when Lenny turns back he's face down and snoring.
"Hey, Moe, you want we should take him home?" Lenny asks.
"Nah," says Moe. He pulls a blanket from the cubby hole under the bar labeled HOMER and tucks it in around him. "I'll call his wife in the morning if he's still here."
At the other end of the bar Barney picks up his head.
"Hey!" he says. "I thought I was the only one with a blanket."
Lenny's feet feel far away when he stands up and Moe holds the door open as he and Carl leave. Moe's always nicest when they're drunk. Outside the moon is all swimmy and bright except probably it's just the beer.
"Hey," says Carl, and their arms bump into each other as they go down the sidewalk. Then they find Lenny's car and Carl drives him home and the next morning Lenny's seat is too far back and the car smells like aftershave.
**
Lenny walks downtown and finds Carl and Homer watching Chief Wiggum try to talk Ralph down from a tree. On the other side of the street Lou and Eddie are sitting on the hood of the squad car eating donuts out of a paper bag marked CHEIF.
"You ever think of being a cop?" Lenny asks Carl. He watches Lou and Eddie notice Homer and stuff the bag behind them.
"Nah," says Carl. "The uniforms are too drab. I like a bit of color in my outfit."
"Ralphy, come DOWN here," says the chief.
"Daddy, the tree's skin is biting me," says Ralph.
**
Lenny considers himself a pretty unflappable guy. Stuff happens and he lets it and he doesn't think about it too much. Like once, Homer's kid paid him and Carl to kiss. They were sitting on the curb and he rolled up on his skateboard, fistfuls of money in both hands.
"Hey guys," he said. "Check out the moolah." Lenny could see them both reflected all tiny in Bart's fancy sunglasses. "Bet you wouldn't eat dog crap for a piece of this."
"Nope, probably not," said Carl.
"Bet you wouldn't, uh, jump off the clock tower for this." He snapped a $1000 bill open -- Lenny didn't even know they made $1000 bills.
"Nah," said Carl.
"Bet you wouldn't ... make out with each other," said Bart.
Lenny sat very still.
"Sure, why not," said Carl after a second.
"What?!" said Bart. Carl shrugged.
"I need a new carburetor," he said.
"Oh," said Bart.
"Oh," said Lenny.
Afterwards Lenny felt weird and they didn't look at each other for a while. Bart laughed and laughed, but Carl's right, it's hardly like it was something terrible.
Or maybe that never really happened. Why would Bart have that much money, anyway?
**
The sky is blue and Lenny goes to work. Carl comes in when he's punching his timecard.
"Hey, Carl," he says. "You gonna make some coffee?"
"No," says Carl and punches his timecard and walks away.
**
"Won't you come in, Lenny," says Marge, and she's smiling her extra-nice smile.
"Thanks, Marge," says Lenny, and hands her the flowers he brought.
At dinner, Lenny chews his meatloaf and listens to the clink of everyone else's silverware.
"Lenny," says Marge, "Why don't you tell us some of your wonderful college tradition stories."
Lenny blinks and looks across the table at the kids.
"Well," he says. "At the football games you have to stand up the whole time. You're not allowed to sit down once."
"What?" says Bart. "What bozo came up with that?"
"Bart!" says Marge. "Be polite."
"Why can't they sit down?" asks Lisa.
Lenny shrugs. "I dunno. 'cause no else does, I guess."
"Marge," says Homer. "I finished all my dinner, can Lenny and me go bowling now?"
At the alley, Lenny puts POO in the computer as his initials, but Homer just does HOM and it's not really the same.
**
One time on a Saturday Homer called him.
"Lenny!" says Homer. "Or is this Carl? Anyway, get him and come over, I've run out of people for my gay marriage garage business and you two are--"
"HOMER," says Marge in the background and then the line goes dead.
Lenny doesn't call back but the next day he walks to the Kwik-E-Mart and cuts back down the Simpsons' street. The garage door is closed and he doesn't see anyone, except Maggie looking out the picture window. She sucks on her pacifier when she sees him. Lenny waves.
**
Lenny gets up and puts on his suspenders. After work, he and Homer go down to Moe's.
"Oh," says Carl when he sees them come in.
Lenny sits down and drinks a beer or four or five.
"You know, Moe," he finds himself saying. "What I always liked about physics was the quarks. Up, down, strange--" he tries to remember the rest.
"Charm, bottom, top," says Carl. "What kind of nuclear physicist are you?"
"No," says Lenny. "It's charm, beauty, truth."
"What are you, a moron?" says Carl.
"I think your face is a moron," says Lenny.
"Hey, hey, hey!" yells Moe. "There's no fighting in here, I just got the jukebox glass fixed!" But Carl's already swinging at him and Lenny's already punching Carl.
"My eye!" yells Lenny, trying to pull Carl's sleeve out of it. "Oh, God, my doctor says --"
Moe didn't win the Drunk Toss contest three years in a row for nothing. It's kind of amazing how he manages to kick them both in the ass at the same time. Lenny hits the sidewalk with Carl right beside him. It's too much trouble to get back up so he just sits there and doesn't talk.
"Hey," says Carl finally. "Isn't this where we were that one time when Bart got us to, you know -- "
"Yeah, I guess so," Lenny says. His head hurts, like he's sobering up, and from where Carl hit him.
"Man, I had stubble burn for three days," says Carl.
"Oh," says Lenny. "Uh, sorry."
"Nah," says Carl. "It was fine." He finally turns and looks at Lenny.
"I, uh, went down to the temple the other day," says Lenny.
"Really?" says Carl. "I didn't think you were actually Buddhist."
"Yeah well, there's a lot of things about me you don't know!" Lenny says.
"Look," says Carl. "I'm sorry I haven't been around a lot. It just. Gets to be kind of a lot, you know?"
"What?" says Lenny. "Don't you -- I thought you liked hanging out."
"Yeah, I do," says Carl. Lenny looks down and their knees are touching. "I just--"
"I do too," says Lenny, and the sides of their hands are touching. "I mean, bowling. And Moe's. And ... like, that one summer."
"Right," says Carl, and their feet are touching.
"And helping you fill out Homer's performance reviews," says Lenny.
"Oh," says Carl.
"I mean, that's all I ever wanted," says Lenny, and Carl is looking at him again.
**
Lenny wakes up and stays lying in bed, with the blankets on top of him. He feels like maybe he just had a really great dream, even if he can't remember what it was. Outside the sky is blue, and he gets up and goes to work.
Permanent link.
Kyra Cullinan [kyrafic [AT] gmail.com]
The Simpsons, Lenny/Carl, PG
Summary: Me & you and you & me. Everyday in Springfield.
Story notes: Written for veracious for the Yuletide 2005 challenge. As usual, buckets of thanks to annakovsky for beta duty.
Lenny: Carl, I see Heaven.
Carl: What does it look like?
Thousands of Carl angels: Hurry up, Lenny. We'll be late for work at the plant!
Lenny wakes up and goes to work. He wears his favorite green shirt. Outside the sky is blue and the nuclear plant is shiny against it. In the parking lot he meets Carl exactly halfway to the door, just like every day.
"Morning, Carl," he says.
"Morning, Lenny," says Carl. It's Tuesday or maybe Wednesday and the door clangs shut behind them.
**
Lenny rolls backwards down the hall in his chair until he gets to Carl's door.
"Wanna go see how many post-its we can stick on Homer in the control booth before he wakes up?"
"Hell yes," says Carl.
On the way back, they pass Charlie in the hall.
"Do the two of you ever go anywhere separately?" he asks.
"It's weird, isn't it?" says Carl.
**
Lenny wakes up and goes to work and at five o'clock Carl stands in the doorway and jingles his keys.
"Shall we?" he says.
"I believe I hear a barstool calling my name," says Lenny and they go together.
Lenny likes Moe's because it always smells the same and his stool is perfectly molded to the shape of his butt.
"Hit me, Moe," he says, as Carl slides into the seat beside him.
Six seven eight hours later and Homer's staring blearily into his glass.
"Why do you think they named it beer?" he says. "Why not 'turtle' or 'shiny gold drink of happiness' or 'love'?"
Lenny twists his body around to see if Carl knows.
"You got me," says Carl, and sets down his mug. There's a thud from Homer's end of the bar, and when Lenny turns back he's face down and snoring.
"Hey, Moe, you want we should take him home?" Lenny asks.
"Nah," says Moe. He pulls a blanket from the cubby hole under the bar labeled HOMER and tucks it in around him. "I'll call his wife in the morning if he's still here."
At the other end of the bar Barney picks up his head.
"Hey!" he says. "I thought I was the only one with a blanket."
Lenny's feet feel far away when he stands up and Moe holds the door open as he and Carl leave. Moe's always nicest when they're drunk. Outside the moon is all swimmy and bright except probably it's just the beer.
"Hey," says Carl, and their arms bump into each other as they go down the sidewalk. Then they find Lenny's car and Carl drives him home and the next morning Lenny's seat is too far back and the car smells like aftershave.
**
Lenny walks downtown and finds Carl and Homer watching Chief Wiggum try to talk Ralph down from a tree. On the other side of the street Lou and Eddie are sitting on the hood of the squad car eating donuts out of a paper bag marked CHEIF.
"You ever think of being a cop?" Lenny asks Carl. He watches Lou and Eddie notice Homer and stuff the bag behind them.
"Nah," says Carl. "The uniforms are too drab. I like a bit of color in my outfit."
"Ralphy, come DOWN here," says the chief.
"Daddy, the tree's skin is biting me," says Ralph.
**
Lenny considers himself a pretty unflappable guy. Stuff happens and he lets it and he doesn't think about it too much. Like once, Homer's kid paid him and Carl to kiss. They were sitting on the curb and he rolled up on his skateboard, fistfuls of money in both hands.
"Hey guys," he said. "Check out the moolah." Lenny could see them both reflected all tiny in Bart's fancy sunglasses. "Bet you wouldn't eat dog crap for a piece of this."
"Nope, probably not," said Carl.
"Bet you wouldn't, uh, jump off the clock tower for this." He snapped a $1000 bill open -- Lenny didn't even know they made $1000 bills.
"Nah," said Carl.
"Bet you wouldn't ... make out with each other," said Bart.
Lenny sat very still.
"Sure, why not," said Carl after a second.
"What?!" said Bart. Carl shrugged.
"I need a new carburetor," he said.
"Oh," said Bart.
"Oh," said Lenny.
Afterwards Lenny felt weird and they didn't look at each other for a while. Bart laughed and laughed, but Carl's right, it's hardly like it was something terrible.
Or maybe that never really happened. Why would Bart have that much money, anyway?
**
The sky is blue and Lenny goes to work. Carl comes in when he's punching his timecard.
"Hey, Carl," he says. "You gonna make some coffee?"
"No," says Carl and punches his timecard and walks away.
**
"Won't you come in, Lenny," says Marge, and she's smiling her extra-nice smile.
"Thanks, Marge," says Lenny, and hands her the flowers he brought.
At dinner, Lenny chews his meatloaf and listens to the clink of everyone else's silverware.
"Lenny," says Marge, "Why don't you tell us some of your wonderful college tradition stories."
Lenny blinks and looks across the table at the kids.
"Well," he says. "At the football games you have to stand up the whole time. You're not allowed to sit down once."
"What?" says Bart. "What bozo came up with that?"
"Bart!" says Marge. "Be polite."
"Why can't they sit down?" asks Lisa.
Lenny shrugs. "I dunno. 'cause no else does, I guess."
"Marge," says Homer. "I finished all my dinner, can Lenny and me go bowling now?"
At the alley, Lenny puts POO in the computer as his initials, but Homer just does HOM and it's not really the same.
**
One time on a Saturday Homer called him.
"Lenny!" says Homer. "Or is this Carl? Anyway, get him and come over, I've run out of people for my gay marriage garage business and you two are--"
"HOMER," says Marge in the background and then the line goes dead.
Lenny doesn't call back but the next day he walks to the Kwik-E-Mart and cuts back down the Simpsons' street. The garage door is closed and he doesn't see anyone, except Maggie looking out the picture window. She sucks on her pacifier when she sees him. Lenny waves.
**
Lenny gets up and puts on his suspenders. After work, he and Homer go down to Moe's.
"Oh," says Carl when he sees them come in.
Lenny sits down and drinks a beer or four or five.
"You know, Moe," he finds himself saying. "What I always liked about physics was the quarks. Up, down, strange--" he tries to remember the rest.
"Charm, bottom, top," says Carl. "What kind of nuclear physicist are you?"
"No," says Lenny. "It's charm, beauty, truth."
"What are you, a moron?" says Carl.
"I think your face is a moron," says Lenny.
"Hey, hey, hey!" yells Moe. "There's no fighting in here, I just got the jukebox glass fixed!" But Carl's already swinging at him and Lenny's already punching Carl.
"My eye!" yells Lenny, trying to pull Carl's sleeve out of it. "Oh, God, my doctor says --"
Moe didn't win the Drunk Toss contest three years in a row for nothing. It's kind of amazing how he manages to kick them both in the ass at the same time. Lenny hits the sidewalk with Carl right beside him. It's too much trouble to get back up so he just sits there and doesn't talk.
"Hey," says Carl finally. "Isn't this where we were that one time when Bart got us to, you know -- "
"Yeah, I guess so," Lenny says. His head hurts, like he's sobering up, and from where Carl hit him.
"Man, I had stubble burn for three days," says Carl.
"Oh," says Lenny. "Uh, sorry."
"Nah," says Carl. "It was fine." He finally turns and looks at Lenny.
"I, uh, went down to the temple the other day," says Lenny.
"Really?" says Carl. "I didn't think you were actually Buddhist."
"Yeah well, there's a lot of things about me you don't know!" Lenny says.
"Look," says Carl. "I'm sorry I haven't been around a lot. It just. Gets to be kind of a lot, you know?"
"What?" says Lenny. "Don't you -- I thought you liked hanging out."
"Yeah, I do," says Carl. Lenny looks down and their knees are touching. "I just--"
"I do too," says Lenny, and the sides of their hands are touching. "I mean, bowling. And Moe's. And ... like, that one summer."
"Right," says Carl, and their feet are touching.
"And helping you fill out Homer's performance reviews," says Lenny.
"Oh," says Carl.
"I mean, that's all I ever wanted," says Lenny, and Carl is looking at him again.
**
Lenny wakes up and stays lying in bed, with the blankets on top of him. He feels like maybe he just had a really great dream, even if he can't remember what it was. Outside the sky is blue, and he gets up and goes to work.
Permanent link.