Parallel Lines - Sequel to "A boy without a heart" (Myungyeol Version)
Parallel lines | Myungsoo/Sungyeol | R (Just to be safe) | romance, angst | WC: 7,100~.
A/n: This is a sequel to my old work, “A boy without a heart”. It’s not actually about what happens next, but rather like a parallel story in Myungsoo’s POV. I don’t guarantee any happy ending here, pardon me, and this, is the biggest failure in my life *wail* I've debated in my inner mind for a long time (about one month) to decide whether to post it or not.
For the good old memories we once shared together, I hope you will be happy again and find someone loving you as much as I do.
Parallel lines:
<<조금만 널 더 더 잡아 둘께 더 더 바라 볼께 더 더 심장이 식을 때까지
난 난 살아야 해 난 난 너 없이도 난 난 지금은 니가 필요해
I’m gonna hold you in a little longer, I’m gonna look at you a little more.
Until my heart cools off a little more.
I must live even without you, but right now, I need you.>>
“The saddest thing in this world is that you find someone meaningful to you, and in the end realize that he was born to be not with you.,,
Myungsoo finds that piece of paper in one of his old books as he’s trying to reorganize the bookshelf on a free summer night. It’s the book Sungyeol had borrowed from him and it bores Myungsoo to tears. He has sworn never read it again and maybe it is the reason why Sungyeol put it in there, because he knows Myungsoo would hardly find it.
“There’re many things I want to do for you, and one of them is never letting you go.”
He’s a liar. And so is Myungsoo.
He thinks as tears trailing down his cheeks silently.
***
The first time Myungsoo saw Sungyeol cry, it was awkward.
The boy curled into a ball and sat silently at the corner of an empty classroom (which turned out to be Myungsoo and Howon’s one), tears were streaming down his face and Myungsoo was startled at the sight.
Or exactly, he was rather scared.
Scared of not knowing what to do.
They had known each other for merely one year, but in Myungsoo’s eyes, Sungyeol always turned out to be a bubbly boy, who wore bright smiles on his face and lame jokes were ready to slip off his tongue at any time. Surely, there was time the boy was down and sad, but the smile never left his face and even when it was just a twitch on his lips, it was still a so-called smile. He even joked around with his problems and Myungsoo got used to the thought tears would never exist in Sungyeol’s body system, until that very moment when he accidentally walked into the classroom to find the crying boy.
And that’s how things awkward.
Sungyeol obviously didn’t want anybody see him cry, Myungsoo concluded, judging from the way he smiled. Smiled, smiled and just smiled. Maybe sometimes he managed to look cool, maybe to hide his disappointment. Myungsoo admitted that he was a bit… well, slow (he preferred that word more than “dumb”) in noticing things, but he was quick enough to notice that that time he had intruded in Sungyeol’s “private time”. His brain told him to back off quickly and quietly as much possible as he could, before his friend noticed his appearance in the room. But somehow his heart had stubbornly been against the idea and before he could make things out clearly, his legs had brought him to the corner where Sungyeol was sitting. Sungyeol didn’t expect him to be there, Myungsoo could tell from the way his shoulders tensed up, just slightly, at the fact that his friend standing right in front of him.
Myungsoo’s usual shelf told him to make some excuse and leave, now, but his hand had already made its way to have contact with Sungyeol’s shoulder. The other’s muscle tensed up under his touch, but immediately relaxed, a little bit.
And just now Myungsoo noticed that Sungyeol’s shaking.
“Why are you crying?”
He asked and received nothing. Sungyeol’s still crying.
It took them at least fifteen odd minutes to calm Sungyeol down and wipe away all the tears. The tall boy managed to back to his usual shelf (which meant being bubbly and sometimes cool), before looking at Myungsoo and grinned (But that time Myungsoo just saw it as a twitch of his facial muscle):
“Why don’t you go home? It’s getting late.”
“We’ll go home now.”
Myungsoo said and pulled Sungyeol to go with him. To his relief, the other boy didn’t protest even at once, just obediently following him around.
Later that afternoon Myungsoo acknowledged the reason why Sungyeol cried. Or exactly, he didn’t know the reason, but knew the person who made him cry. Sungyeol just stuttered while talking about it, his eyes averted to look at anything but Myungsoo’s face.
“It’s okay now Myungsoo… I mean, it’s nonsense thing. I just overreacted and was hyper.”
Really?
The next day Myungsoo cornered Byunghee in a deserted hallway right before their first class started in five minutes.
“What did you tell Sungyeol yesterday?”
He asked, managing to keep his usual blank look. But a part of his mind was yearning for a quick answer.
“What? I said what? I…don’t remember. Really. Yesterday we just talked about fashion and appearance and he looked normal. He even laughed with me before leaving.”
Byunghee furrowed his brows a bit before answered; his face looked so lost and confused. And as much as Myungsoo wanted to punch him, the dark-haired boy still decided to let his classmate go.
After all Byunghee was known to be insensitive and what he had said yesterday, maybe, was just a harmless joke. Maybe Sungyeol really had overreacted.
Myungsoo vaguely concluded before going back to his classroom.
The second time Sungyeol cried, Myungsoo didn’t find it as an overreaction anymore.
Their two classes were in the same changing room after P.E period; there were people throwing jokes at each other insensitively and Sungyeol happened to be one of their targets. Myungsoo heard their friends blabber, both jokingly and evilly, about a pair of awkward legs and being fat and fatty stomach and nerdy glasses and two bulldog cheeks. He saw Sungyeol smile at the jokes, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes and there was something darkened in his usual bright eyes. And by the time the period really ended, Sungyeol had made up some excuse to leave before others.
Myungsoo found Sungyeol on the back yard of their school, eyes red and stung. The boy quickly wiped away the tears when he heard somebody’s coming, managing a laugh as he saw Myungsoo. And all the other boy could do was just ignoring the remained tears on his friend’s face while asking:
“Can I come over to your house tonight? You know, for homework; the final exam’s coming.”
Sungyeol’s hesitated, but finally nodded his head.
That night, Sungyeol fell asleep on his chair while they were on half way revising Biology. And as much as Myungsoo thought it was inappropriate, he still found himself staring at his sleeping friend.
The boy moved his chair a bit closer to examine his skin. It was pale but beautiful, and even when there were some imperfect spots on his cheek and nose, to Myungsoo, Sungyeol’s skin still looked perfect and smooth and…
Without himself knowing, Myungsoo’s thumb had caressed the side of Sungyeol’s cheek. The feeling of Sungyeol’s skin under his touch gave Myungsoo a weird sensation, like electric current went through his body system and he almost jerked his hand back. But the boy needed to admit that it was rather nice and wonderful and he would still be willing to do it once again. Not because of pure curiosity anymore, but something, he didn’t know. Affection? The idea crossed his mind, sending shiver down his spine and Myungsoo dug his nail deeply into his skin to prevent the train of thought.
It is so inappropriate.
Sungyeol was a boy and Myungsoo was a boy, too.
Beside him Sungyeol stirred, which took Myungsoo by surprise. The boy quickly retreated his hand back, shoving it into his pocket as deep as he could while eyes were travelling to a random page in his textbook. Myungsoo had almost forgotten that Sungyeol was a light sleeper.
“Urgh… How long have I slept?”
He yawned while stretching his arms and in Myungsoo’s head immediately formed a picture of a kitten after taking a nap. His friend surely did look like one, the boy remarked.
“About 15 minutes.”
“You should have woken me up.”
And Myungsoo just shrugged shoulders nonchalantly. His eyes secretly found their way back to Sungyeol’s figure as they continued the revision and the taller boy was too absorbed to his work to even notice the intense stare.
Sungyeol wasn’t that fat, rather chubby. His cheeks looked kind of cute, too.
Those were all Myungsoo could revise on that night, instead of trying to stuff Mendel and all the genetics thingy into his head. The boy surely would fail the exam days later, he thought while solemnly walking back to his house.
(“Do you know about the ‘Ugly duckling’?”
Sungyeol asks and Myungsoo stops barely to finally realize what the other’s aiming to.
You’ve already been beautiful Yeol ah. The words are about to slip off his tongue but for some unknown reason he swallows all of them back down his throat. He isn’t lying, Myungsoo’s more than aware about it. And he knows it would be nice if he said that to Sungyeol, because Sungyeol always wants to be beautiful while he actually is always beautiful.
But will his friend believe him, or the insecurity will just make him doubt about Myungsoo’s words over and over again?
He shakes his head lightly and pulls Sungyeol to lie closer to him, so close that the taller boy can hear his heartbeat beating steadily against his ears.
“But one day the ugly duckling will turn into a swan, right?”
“Maybe.”
“You will, Yeol ah. One day.”
You actually are a swan now.
At least to me.)
***
(There is one thing Myungsoo has never known. That is, actually, what’s the reason that Howon stopped hanging out with Sungyeol.
Or rather, he knows, but prefers pretending to not understand.)
Howon’s used-to-be-girlfriend was someone called as Hyunmin, or whatever similar to that, Myungsoo couldn’t bring himself to remember. She sat a couple of desks far from Myungsoo, and he hardly took notice of her even when sometimes he, Howon and that girl came back home together. She maybe looked nice and pretty, but Myungsoo wasn’t interested.
He wasn’t interested, until the day he knew that Hyunmin liked him. And she dated Howon just for having better access to know more about Myungsoo, because Myungsoo always went home with Howon and they looked kinda close.
Little did she know a fact that Sungyeol was way closer to him than Howon, even when they hardly met. Myungsoo couldn’t help but smirk lightly while thinking about it. Girls around him were always just that shallow and stupid.
The problem was, Myungsoo wouldn’t mind much if that girl liked him, because girls liked him, that was a fact. She was just like many high school girls in his school, following him every day, giving him letters and gifts showing pure admiration and love. (Love? Weren’t they too easy when loving someone whom they didn’t know any single thing about? Myungsoo couldn’t help but snort.) Myungsoo would just ignore her and play innocent, because he was suited to that role. You know, feigning oblivious while you actually didn’t.
However, Howon didn’t share the same idea with Myungsoo. Sometimes boys’ egos were unnecessarily too big, and Howon couldn’t accept the fact that his girlfriend just used him and his friend knew but did nothing about it. It felt like being fooled, and Howon wasn’t fond of being called as a fool. Actually every boys wasn’t fond of that.
They fought few days before graduation, containing cursing, insulting and fists. Like, real fists.
“You should have been more decided.”
“And you should say that Howon shouldn’t have been this aggressive.”
Myungsoo pointed out, grimacing at the painful sensation as Sungyeol applied more ointment on his swollen skin. They were sitting in Myungsoo’s room, the late afternoon sunbeam flowed into the small space in a lazy manner, bathing the two boys in the sickeningly fade light.
“I can’t believe you told me to skip my afternoon class just because of this.”
“We’re about to graduate, do I need to remind you? There’s no need to study.” Myungsoo paused briefly, taking a small glance at his reflection in the mirror: “Howon is really too much this time.”
“He’s cheated.”
“And I’m not his girlfriend. He should beat her instead of me.”
“Howon isn’t Howon anymore if he beats a girl.”
“So because he’s Howon so he can hits me?”
“You should tell her sooner that you don’t like her, not going around and being too nice.”
“I’m not Kim Myungsoo anymore if I’m not being nice. It’s just because I’m too handsome and nobody can-OUCH!!!”
Myungsoo exclaimed as Sungyeol pushed a bit too hard at his injured knee as the boy was trying to bandage it:
“Pardon me, but you’re not that handsome.”
“I’m handsome enough to make girls wail for me.”
“I’m so pleased to know that.” Sungyeol just rolled his eyes: “Anyway, Howon’s really sad.”
“And I’m not sad? One of my friends has just beaten the hell out of me.”
“Howon really likes her, you know?”
Sungyeol said quietly as he was rearranging the first-aid kit, his eyes didn’t meet Myungsoo’s. But it was better, because Sungyeol wouldn’t see a glimpse of guilt washed over Myungsoo’s dark orbs in a flash. Myungsoo hardly admitted that he was wrong, even when knowing clearly that it was all his fault and he needed to take responsibility. Simply because it wasn’t his type. Because Myungsoo had never said sorry to anyone.
“Okay, I know that you’re in his side. He has known you longer than me after all.”
Myungsoo managed to say after a while, trying to climb down his bed and turned his back to Sungyeol. Through the reflection in the glass windows, he could see the confused expression Sungyeol wore on his face as the boy fidgeted the hem of his uniform shirt, being unable to say something to cover the silence.
In the end Sungyeol quietly left and Myungsoo’s heart sank a little bit. He could hear the faint sound of the taller’s voice biding his mother, before seconds later Sungyeol appeared on the crowded street and started walking to the direction of his house.
He shouldn’t have said that in the first place.
Myungsoo and Howon met again days later as Myungsoo was on his way back home. The said boy was turning his backpack upside down in a desperate attempt to find a key when Howon appeared right behind him. He was panting heavily (Myungsoo assumed that he had been running) and their eyes met. Myungsoo’s right fist unconsciously clenched tighter than usual, being ready for another fight which could be broken out at any time, as the look on Howon’s face wasn’t something welcoming.
But in the end, it wasn’t Myungsoo’s face but the wall nearby becoming the victim of Howon’s fist that time. The taller boy winced a bit as Howon’s knuckles covered in blood and was about to take some steps forwards, but the other had growled:
“Don’t come near me, asshole.”
Myungsoo furrowed his brows a bit at the statement. He surely wasn’t the best but the boy believed he was good enough to not be called as “asshole” by his friend.
“It’s all because of you.”
So that was his fault? Myungsoo could sense his anger was on its way back at any time soon and the boy griped the doorknob nearby to restrain himself until all his knuckles turned white. Seriously, did they need to fight because of a bitch? They had been friends for at least two years and Myungsoo had thought that it was more important than the affair Howon had with, what, Hyunmin?
“If it hadn’t been him, then I would have just killed you here.”
The words struck Myungsoo and he looked up only to find Howon had turned his back to him and started walking away. A part of his mind told him to run and confront Howon, but another part restrained him back, because somehow it sounded so useless when Myungsoo could guess easily who was the person the latter had mentioned.
And in the end Myungsoo just stood dumbly at the doorstep of his house, watching as Howon’s figure slowly disappeared in the sea of people.
“Howon had broken up our friendship.”
Sungyeol informed Myungsoo on a summer day as they were in a chat room. The way the taller boy talked about it seemed so usual, too usual, and even though they were two streets far away from each other and just talking through messages, the dark-haired boy could still be able to imagine the expression on Sungyeol’s face. Along with red eyes and tear-stained cheeks.
Is it because of me? Myungsoo just wanted to run immediately to Sungyeol’s house, but his mind told him not to do it. Fingers lingered around the keyboard a little bit too long, and Myungsoo knew Sungyeol’s waiting for his answer, but the boy didn’t know what to say in that situation anymore.
“How come?”
“We had a fight. He said he didn’t want to see my face anymore.”
Howon was a liar, Myungsoo knew. Guilt washed through him again, that time stronger than the last one. But finally Myungsoo wasn’t the one saying sorry. What if they fought because of something else, not him? He wasn’t someone too important for Sungyeol to exchange his four-year friendship with Howon, anyway.
“I will always stay besides you, believe me.”
Myungsoo didn’t know what brought him to say that. He just knew he typed those words a bit too fast and without thinking had sent them to Sungyeol.
But it wasn’t that he didn’t mean it.
“Thank you, Myungsoo ah.”
It took Sungyeol five minutes to reply him and Myungsoo gave out a huge sigh, obviously wasn’t aware of the breath he had been holding.
Little did Myungsoo remember that sometimes, things were easier when being said than done.
***
It’s normal having wet dreams at the age of eighteen, when you’re still young and well, human have their own desire. Having sexual frustration isn’t a sin after all, it’s like eating and drinking, all are needed to human. It’s something typical in the body system and people don’t need to deny it.
However, having wet dreams about one of your close friends is something completely different. Especially when that friend is a guy and you are also a guy and he is too innocent. Too innocent that you know clearly in the first place that you shouldn’t cross the line between to break him.
Myungsoo started having wet dreams about Sungyeol when the new school year had just begun for two months.
The boy was embarrassed, who couldn’t, and disgusted, but couldn’t stop himself staring at Sungyeol’s mouth in the next morning when they accidentally met down the hallway (screw him and his very creative mind. Myungsoo had never expected that Sungyeol’s tongue could do all those things, at least in his dream. The other must think he had something in his head, judging the way Sungyeol’s brows furrowed.) It was so wrong, Myungsoo concluded, because they were both straight, let alone the fact that best friends don’t have wet dreams about each other. Sungyeol looked too innocent and was always too nice, sometimes it actually hurt to look at him. Myungsoo shouldn’t do it, couldn’t do it, or rather, he didn’t have any right to do it. Sungyeol and Myungsoo weren’t meant to be, after all.
But what happened in the night they celebrated their first year in university was just something slipping off of Myungsoo’s grip. It was not his intention in the first place, they were left behind in the bar, Sungyeol was drunk (he could never drink) and Myungsoo was drunk, too. The raven haired boy knew it was a bad idea when he drank too much that night, because if he had known that he would be left behind with the source of his frustration, then he would have never had more than two shots. Sungyeol was too close, just reached his hand out a little bit and Myungsoo could easily touch him, feel him, and break him. Too easy.
His sober mind told him to back off, but Sungyeol had tried to carry him by shoulders out of the bar. He was too oblivious to the way Myungsoo flinched under his touch.
The other looked so irresistible under the dim streetlight with messy hair and rosy cheeks. His lips looked full, it was the thing Myungsoo had been wondering about all the previous months, that how it would feel if he touched them with his, how it would feel if he bit them, how it would feel if they were on his skin, how it would feel… So he didn’t think much, or at least he tried not to think, at the moment pushing the other back against the wall in a dark alley, kissing him with too much force as if he were scared that Sungyeol would run away. But the taller did kiss back, much to his surprise.
Human had never been satisfied with what they had, even when they had told themselves that they had enough. One kiss, two kisses and more… Kissing wasn’t enough for Myungsoo, he still wanted more. Myungsoo had never got enough from those lips. The disgusting feeling was still there, fresh in his mind and Myungsoo thought he was supposed to throw up. But in the end he didn’t, because somehow the sensation, like a spell, was sickeningly too good and Sungyeol wasn’t anything but perfect to Myungsoo. Their bodies grinded together and Sungyeol moaned helplessly under Myungsoo’s touches, which really pushed Myungsoo off the edge of his control. They ended up in a cheap hotel nearby, Myungsoo just wanted to wipe the dirty smirk on the receptionist’s face off as he handed them the key. But then his anger (or embarrassment?) vanished into the thin air, as there was nothing between them, only Sungyeol’s bare skin on his, moans and whimpers filled in the small space. Everything was too good to be true and in merely some seconds, Myungsoo just thought that he could blame everything for alcohol effect.
It was not his fault. It was alcohol effect.
The first time was because Myungsoo was drunk. So, where were the reasons of the second, the third, and the nth time after that?
Anyway, it wasn’t his fault, Myungsoo concluded.
It had never been his fault.
(“About last night, I was too drunk. It was a mistake…”
That was what he told Sungyeol the next day and the latter’s shoulders tensed up, gaze dropped to the floor and it took him at least some seconds before giving Myungsoo a weak smile:
“It’s okay, I understand.”)
***
Maybe Sungyeol didn’t know, but there were times inside Myungsoo’s heart, a certain bubbly feeling was formed and the boy couldn’t stop being overwhelmed by it whenever Sungyeol’s around. He couldn’t stop smiling even when what Sungyeol told him was just a lame joke or his daily routine, simply because it was his stories and he told them to Myungsoo with all his enthusiasm. His eyes were always shining brightly and the way he covered his mouth while laughing was so… Myungsoo didn’t know how to describe it, because “elegant” was supposed to be used for women but Myungsoo still found it in Sungyeol. Sungyeol was not a girl, he was a guy, and he was nice. His handsomeness wasn’t something similar to Myungsoo’s, but in a manner that attracted Myungsoo and before he knew, Myungsoo had already drowned into it.
Myungsoo still dated girls because after all, like he had said, Sungyeol and he weren’t meant to be. It was normal if he found a girl and started a formal relationship. His relationship with Sungyeol was also formal, but not anymore since the day they started doing things. Myungsoo was kinda amused that Sungyeol didn’t back off, but every time they did it, Sungyeol hardly looked into Myungsoo’s eyes. Myungsoo wasn’t the man of trifling details, but the simple act somehow did hurt him. Was he forced to do it with Myungsoo, because Myungsoo knew Sungyeol never said no to anybody’s request? But Sungyeol wasn’t that easy and he would never let people easily get into his pants. As far as Myungsoo had seen, there was only him.
But why only him?
Sungyeol did go out and make friend and try to date (Myungsoo had met some of them, they were way too ordinary to stand beside Sungyeol). However, he stopped after few attempts. Sungyeol was easy to be read, at least in some parts, and Myungsoo knew Sungyeol had never been serious in having a girlfriend, or boyfriend, whatever, at that time. So at least till the day Myungsoo found a girlfriend, Sungyeol would still stand by him. There were times Myungsoo didn’t see Sungyeol, the other was probably trying to avoid him for only-God-knew reasons, but the longest was about in two weeks and in the end he still showed up. He would never leave, Myungsoo thought, because Myungsoo either couldn’t leave. However much he was disgusted with himself, with the fact that he slept with a guy, he still couldn’t take his hands off. Sungyeol was like a drug to Myungsoo. They were bound together by an unbreakable spell and nobody could break it. Myungsoo believe that.
They were far from the words “lovers” after all, so Myungsoo finally concluded that they didn’t need to interfere in each other’s private lives. Myungsoo could do anything, go to anywhere, see anyone, and so did Sungyeol. It was a wordless contract they had signed since the second time sleeping together.
Their lives, after all, are two parallel lines. They may run till the end of this world, but never can meet each other and be one.
***
Sleeping with Sungyeol was comfortable, Myungsoo thought. Compared to girls, Sungyeol maybe didn’t have things physically, but he was gorgeous in some ways and obedient. He knew how to do with Myungsoo and satisfied him (or just being with Sungyeol satisfied him? He didn’t have any idea.) However, the most important part was that Sungyeol wasn’t a clingy bitch. He didn’t call Myungsoo every time to check where he was, he didn’t follow him around, he didn’t ask for anything from Myungsoo. Girls always called for boys’ responsibility after having one-night stand, and Myungsoo hated responsibility.
However, sometimes, just sometimes, Myungsoo wished that Sungyeol would tell him to stop flirting with girls. Because if he said that, Myungsoo would stop. Like really stop.
But he never did, and so Myungsoo never did stop.
***
Myungsoo had never wanted to see Sungyeol cry, or sad. Maybe because Myungsoo only found Sungyeol when he was frustrated and seeing the only person who could cheer him up also not in a good mood wasn’t something nice. The raven haired boy hardly told Sungyeol about his life, he only wanted to hear Sungyeol say. Myungsoo’s life was like a plain white wall, having nothing and was valueless. Compared to Sungyeol’s, it looked so pitiful. Sungyeol had two supportive parents, a fine study and a bright future, while Myungsoo didn’t. He had a single mother, his life was just average and there was nothing about him people appreciated except his face.
Sungyeol should smile more, so Myungsoo also would smile. The reason wasn’t something mushy, only because Myungsoo would feel more comfortable knowing that the person pleasing him was also comfortable.
(Tears slipped off Sungyeol’s eyes and Myungsoo just stood there, wordlessly. He was supposed to hold him and tell him that everything will be okay soon.
Sungyeol was trembling but Myungsoo still just stood there. He had never held Sungyeol back.
And that was one of the biggest mistakes in Myungsoo’s life.)
***
Sungyeol cornered Myungsoo on his way back home. He was drunk, Myungsoo noticed after sniffing the air. The other flung himself on Myungsoo and the act startled him very much, as Sungyeol wasn’t that kind of person readily jumping on anyone.
“What the hell?”
Myungsoo shrieked half-heartedly, trying to gain back his balance while holding the taller boy’s waist. Sungyeol just clung on Myungsoo in a not-so-Sungyeol manner, arms circled around Myungsoo’s neck and rested on his shoulders, unlikely to let go at any time soon.
The dark haired boy tried to bite back a small groan as his lower area made slight contact with Sungyeol’s butt.
Not here, okay. They were still outside.
Sungyeol stared down at his friend and grinned lazily. He chanted:
“Myungsoo ah~ Myungsoo Myungsoo Myungsoo~”
It was so not-Sungyeol. Myungsoo snorted, shoving hands into his backpack to find the key while humming in return. Sungyeol made some noises, sounded like a whine, down his throat, obviously calling for the shorter boy’s attention. His breath caressed the side of Myungsoo’s neck, around his Adam’s apple. The act wasn’t anything but distraction to Myungsoo at that moment when he needed to remember where he had put his key.
“Yeol, I need to fi-“
His words were cut off as something plump and moist crashed against his lips. It took him some seconds to realize that it was Sungyeol’s lips, but didn’t take him long to be drowned into the kiss. Sungyeol’s tongue licked Myungsoo’s bottom lip and the shorter boy gladly opened his mouth, inviting the familiar intruder in his hot cavern. That was another thing not-Sungyeol, because Sungyeol had never kissed him first and he always kissed shyly with the tips of ears turned bright red. Not kissing him messily and impatiently like that.
It was strange, but Myungsoo didn’t say that he didn’t like it.
The hungry mouth travelled down Myungsoo’s neck, kissing, licking and biting here and there. His hip grinded into him attentively and the dark-haired boy had to restrain himself from letting out any moan; hand shakily found Sungyeol’s and held it tighter, wordlessly signaling the boy to stop.
“You don’t like it?”
Sungyeol asked, dark brown eyes widened innocently at Myungsoo. They were still panting hard after the make-out session. Somehow a part of his heart felt so hurt at the sight, Myungsoo vaguely thought as he used his other hand to tuck a strand of hair behind Sungyeol’s ear.
“I don’t think it would be appropriated if we went to it here.”
He breathed and Sungyeol, without saying, nuzzled against the crook of his neck, patiently waiting for his friend to find the key to the house. Myungsoo felt his shoulder and back got wet as hot liquid dropped onto it, but at the same time it was raining and they were standing outside, so Myungsoo assumed that it was just the raindrops.
Just that.
“Myungsoo ah, have you still remembered our promise?”
Sungyeol asked as they lied in bed together, covering bodies with nothing but a thin sheet.
“What promise?”
Was it just MyungSoo’s imagination or the air in the room was suddenly becoming thicker than usual after his answer?
“Nothing.”
“Tell me.”
Myungsoo asked as an attempt to cover his forgetful mind. He climbed on top of Sungyeol and stared down at his friend.
“Yah, tell me, or I will tickle you.”
“It’s just…” it was hard to read Sungyeol’s expression in the dark. Myungsoo just wanted to turn on the lamp on the nightstand nearby, before remembering that Sungyeol didn’t like it when they did things and the lights was still on. He was that shy. “You have promised that you will be good to me.”
“I’m always good to you.”
“Really?”
“Of course.”
Sungyeol gave out a weak laugh, pushing Myungsoo off of him and turning around to face the wall.
“We should sleep now Myungsoo. It’s late.”
(On the day Sungyeol left, Myungsoo didn’t know. But if he knew sooner, maybe he still let him go. Because Myungsoo didn’t have a heart to tell him to stay. What if Sungyeol still left him? Myungsoo just didn’t want to be a fool.
They were nothing, after all.)
***
Myungsoo didn’t see Sungyeol after that night. People said he had left for a voluntary trip to a small village in Mokpo for two months, and after getting back, he immediately changed his classes and schedule. Myungsoo would have just thought that Sungyeol went to hide away from him for a while and would show up soon, but then the worry, plus suspicion couldn’t stop growing. Myungsoo was kinda puzzled, because as far as the boy remembered, he had not done anything wrong. Why did Sungyeol act like that? He had always been reasonable. Myungsoo recalled the last night they spent and realization unluckily dawned on him.
He would rather play dumb than understand the situation and let things slip off his hands.
The boy wanted to call Sungyeol, but his phone was unluckily broken and he lost all his contacts. Just that moment did Myungsoo realize that he had never remembered Sungyeol’s number, while the other always remembered his. They had some mutual acquaintances but all of them still kept Sungyeol’s old number, so they couldn’t help Myungsoo much.
He started wandering around the building where Sungyeol studied, but hardly caught a glimpse of the other. And even if he did, the taller boy still could easily disappeared into the crowd, leaving no trace behind however much he tried to follow. Myungsoo came to Sungyeol’s dorm, only to be greeted by an unamused expression of Kevin as he informed shortly about Sungyeol’s move-out. However, the boy refused to tell him where Sungyeol went and Myungsoo almost strangled him, but Soohyun was there and Myungsoo doubted whether he would let him kill the vocalist of his band.
He wanted Sungyeol back. Not only because he needed somebody to have sex with. He just only wanted his friend back, because Myungsoo missed Sungyeol. He missed him very much. It sounded so not-Myungsoo, because Myungsoo was someone careless and indifferent. But Sungyeol was the exception and he needed him.
Where are you?
***
The first time they met again, Myungsoo almost couldn’t realize that it was Sungyeol. He looked so different, yet similar at the same time. His hair has been cut in a new style; bangs cover half of his left eye. Sungyeol didn’t wear glasses anymore, after all his eyesight actually wasn’t too bad to wear glasses, like he had done during those previous years.
Where was his Sungyeol?
Myungsoo thought vaguely, but still approaching the other.
“Sungyeol?”
The boy jerked head up in surprise before slowly turning around. Their eyes met and Myungsoo couldn’t help but flinch a bit.
His eyes looked cold.
“Hi.”
Sungyeol waved back. His eyes traveled to look at anything but Myungsoo.
“I’ve come to your dorm but your roommate told me that you had moved out.”
“I moved back to live with my parents. They want to take care of me more and I have nothing against the idea.”
“Oh…”
Again, they stand in awkward silence. It took Myungsoo some minutes to have guts to continue the conversation. As far as he could see, they would come to nothing and Myungsoo just wanted to stop there, wanted to stay there. Maybe it was the last chance he could talk to Sungyeol, to meet Sungyeol. He would sense what would come next and Sungyeol’s words were like nothing but daggers. He wanted to run away, but Kim Myungsoo had never run away.
So he didn’t run.
“I can’t call you.”
“I’ve changed my number.”
Sungyeol answered calmly. The other boy fumbled with his shirt for a while, debating whether or not he should say that. Anyway, after all he still slipped off the words:
“Do you still keep mine? You can call me to inform the new phone number and we can…”
“I’ve deleted your number Myungsoo.” He paused briefly, before adding more: “I need to go now. I have an important meeting downtown.”
“Oh, okay. So, see you later?”
“I don’t think so. Anyway, nice to meet you again. And goodbye.”
“Goodbye?”
“Goodbye.”
Myungsoo eyed Sungyeol’s left hand stretched out to shake his one for a while, but he didn’t shake hands with the other and his used-to-be friend didn’t seem to mind much. Because he’s quickly gone and never turned back to look at the other again.
And Myungsoo was also a coward, so he would just stand there and looked as the figure of Sungyeol disappeared at the turn of the hallway.
They were nothing, Myungsoo told himself. Nothing.
Nothing.
They were nothing, but why did he cry?
Myungsoo wondered while raising his hand up to catch the tear drops slowly falling down his cheeks.
***
Years later Myungsoo receives Sungyeol’s wedding invitation.
How ironical it sounds when the man once saying he would never get married finally has a wedding, while the one saying he would get married soon still hasn’t had a lover.
Sungyeol is handsome in the white suit. The woman, obviously his bride, also looks elegant. They make a perfect match together, Myungsoo hears people around say, and inattentively his heart hurt.
Their eyes meet in merely some seconds and Sungyeol nods lightly, signaling for a greeting, before turning back to the guests beside him. His arm drapes around his bride’s waist; Myungsoo has to turn away and takes one more shot.
It isn’t what he wanted to see.
“Myungsoo?”
Howon calls and Myungsoo turns around, only to find his once good friend behind. They nod lightly at each other and without any hesitation the other takes a seat beside him. What had happened was all in the past, both of them have already turned to 26 so Myungsoo assumes that Howon doesn’t come here for any payback.
They drink a bit and have some small chats. Myungsoo learns that Howon did come to university and has graduated. He is now a teacher in high school, majoring in PE. In turn, Myungsoo tells him about being an advisor in a financial company.
The talk is completely innocent, until the moment Sungyeol approaches them, along with his wife:
“Howon!”
He smiles happily then turns to Myungsoo, hesitantly calls out his name:
“Myungsoo.”
Is he scared that Myungsoo would tell his bride about what they had done in university? Myungsoo wonders aimlessly.
“She looks so beautiful Sungyeol. You’re lucky.”
Howon says, nudging his rib playfully and Sungyeol does nothing but scratching the back of his neck shyly:
“You should get married soon. And you too, Myungsoo.”
And the other just snorts in reply. The atmosphere somehow seems to be awkward and finally Sungyeol decides to leave after cracking some lame jokes with Howon. Myungsoo can sense the suspicion in the way the bride furrows her brows at him, but the man couldn’t care less.
That isn’t her place, he thought bitterly.
“You know, days before Sungyeol did tell me something.”
“I don’t care.”
Myungsoo growls, forcing another shot down his throat. Howon clears his throat nervously before continuing:
“Listen, I know I shouldn’t tell you, but well, maybe you want to hear them. And I think you have your right to hear.”
“I said I don’t care Howon. Don-”
“Okay, so… Sungyeol told me that he once liked someone in university.” Myungsoo snorts. So Sungyeol liked someone else while still playing around and sleeping with him? “And I think you have already known that Sungyeol always wants to be a father, right? He wants to have his own children and raises them with all his heart. But that person couldn’t give him that.”
“What?”
“I mean, he was also a boy. So Sungyeol couldn’t have a baby with him.”
Something passes through Myungsoo’s mind like a déjà vu.
“Sungyeol knew it was wrong, because they were both boys and weren’t supposed to be together, but he once thought if that person had told him to stay, then he would never mind even when his parents disowned him or he couldn’t have a proper family.”
Howon pauses briefly, before continuing:
“He said he had chosen that boy over his friends two times. The first time he had fought with his friend because of him, and he was really upset, but then that person promised him that he would always stand by him, so Sungyeol thought it was worth. But in the second time things were fucked up and Sungyeol lost everything. His friends and also that person.”
“I thought that person still stayed with him?”
Myungsoo asks, his voice’s just above a mere whisper.
“He was still there with Sungyeol, but he didn’t know that the main source of trouble was him. He was too oblivious, wasn’t he? Sungyeol needed him very much, but he never knew. He dated girls and ignored Sungyeol. He just came to him when he needed to fulfill his desire.”
“So, what happened in the end?”
What’s the point of asking, when Myungsoo has already known the ending?
“Sungyeol left, of course.”
“Why?”
“Because they weren’t meant to be, and that person had never loved Sungyeol. They were friends of advantage, after all.”
“It’s not the truth!”
“But Sungyeol thinks that.”
Myungsoo glances at the said man again. He’s smiling brightly at his wife and they giggle together. Something inside Myungsoo breaks down and he almost falls, but his hand has already gripped the edge of the table nearby. His knuckles turn white as the boy holds it a bit too tight.
Beside him, Howon puts his hand on Myungsoo’s shoulder. Nails dig into his skin through the fabric of the suit as Howon’s hand squeezes:
“He said it was his mistake. Maybe, he had put too much hope into that person. But I’m glad that he finally gets over and even has a wife. Don’t you think?”
But Myungsoo doesn’t hear Howon anymore.
Don’t marry her, he wants to scream.
That’s my place, not hers.
Please, come back, Sungyeol. Come back.
Blackness enveloped Myungsoo and he hears people scream, yell, call his name continuously, but there is nothing similar to Sungyeol’s voice.
Sungyeol will never call his name again.
***
Sometimes Myungsoo just wishes tomorrow would never come.
Because if tomorrow didn’t come, then Myungsoo would never wake up and tell Sungyeol that their first night was a mistake. It has never been a mistake and Myungsoo was a liar for saying that.
If tomorrow didn’t come then he would keep Sungyeol a little bit longer, hold him a little bit longer and never let him go, not like what he did in their last night before Sungyeol decided to leave.
Their lives aren’t supposed to be two parallel lines, but Myungsoo is the one turning them into those. They should have been crossed and stayed together forever, but Myungsoo is the one making them never met again.
Parallel lines run, run and run. And never ever meet.