Disturbance (Part II)
Part I
“… So, I’m studying faculty of management, what about you Sungyeol-ssi?”
The girl opposite him tried to strike a conversation and Sungyeol had no other wish than having a hole swallow him, right then right there. His head still felt a little dizzy since the boy had not recovered from the cold few days ago yet, and Sungyeol just tried to avoid any quick movement with the fear of losing balance.
To be honest, the brunette had no idea why he agreed with Woohyun to go in a blind date in the first place; maybe it was because of the hope that he might go straight again. Well, such a smart plan.
“I’m from English department.”
“Oh, I see. So how about your parents back at home?”
“They are doing fine, thank you for your concern. And I heard that Jina-ssi’s hometown is Seoul right?”
“Yes, I was born in Seoul.” She said, high-pitched voice dripping with pride “Actually, my father was a politician and also a businessman. Have you heard about the Yeonjoo Corporation with the head office in Gangnam district? My father is the main stockholder in the corporation and it was named after my mother. What about your parents?”
“My father is an officer and my mother is a journalist, there’s nothing much to talk about their jobs anyway.”
He answered politely before taking a sip of coffee. From the corner of his eyes, Sungyeol could see her eyebrows furrowed just a little, but they were soon eased and the boy could not help but chuckle inwardly. Girls nowadays usually had a fondness for guys who was financially secure, which meant being major in economics or coming from a high-class background.
Well, he did not have any for her to expect, so Sungyeol was ready to call it a day. That girl did not look like she was interested enough in him, and Woohyun surely would be dead with him the moment the taller boy left his date. The brunette had no idea why his best friend could have set him up with such a girl, they did not come from the same background at all and she was surely a spoiled brat.
“Sungyeol?”
A familiar voice he always dreaded to hear called behind him and the brunette swirled his head around to have a look. There stood Myungsoo at a table nearby where Sungyeol was sitting; having probably just come downstairs and Sungyeol could see his girlfriend behind him. The uncomfortable feeling the younger boy had tried to suppress somewhat successfully was stirring in his stomach again, that time more strongly than usual since the subject of his misery was standing in front of his eyes. Sungyeol bowed lightly at the older boy before turning back to Jina, all of a sudden had an endless interest in their boring conversation. That time the brunette initiated a small talk with the girl, in which she answered in a decent, but cold attitude. But he could not care less, since all of Sungyeol’s senses were only concentrating on any movement from a certain person, despite having turned his back to him. Knowing Myungsoo and his character, the older would not leave his girlfriend there and talk to Sungyeol so the brunette was sure for one hundred percents that he would go somewhere else soon, once he noticed that Sungyeol was having a companion there. He would be fine again once the other was out of his sight.
The sound of footsteps harmonized with the soft music in the café and through the glass window, Sungyeol could see the reflection of the couple leaving the place. He took a deep breath to control emotions and thought it was successful, but the way his hand trembled while holding the coffee cup just told another story.
“It’s nice to talk to you Sungyeol-ssi. I hope we can still remain as friends.”
Jina said, emphasizing on the last part as she stretched her hand out for a handshake. Sungyeol almost laughed because seriously, she thought he really wanted to make a move on her? Anyway, the boy knew better to keep his mouth shut and bid a farewell to the other with the same polite manner. As the girl stepped out and disappeared into the crowd on the street, Sungyeol slumped down back to his seat in frustration. Whipping his cell phone out, the boy contemplated whether to throw a tantrum at Woohyun immediately but in the end decided to wait till home.
The fact that spring had come did not have anything to do with less snow falling. Sungyeol thought while burying nose deeper to the scarf around his neck as he left the café. Late afternoon, the sun was set down already and the street was brightened up with so many colorful LED street lights, to the point Sungyeol’s eyes actually felt hurt staring at them. Standing a bit too long or moving his head to look up too suddenly made Sungyeol feel light-headed, and the nausea feeling he had had for a while was then creeping to the back of his throat. So the boy tried to lean on the wall of the café to calm his state down a little before started walking again. He stared at the moving crowd in lost for some moments, before actually remembering where he was supposed to go.
A hand crept to his side and on instinct, Sungyeol jerked away at the sudden touch. The boy turned to the side only to find out that Myungsoo was standing right beside him, a hand kept on Sungyeol’s arm to keep him still.
“What are you doing hyung?”
The younger boy asked, despite the way his heart was beating so loudly inside ribcage that he was afraid it might burst out soon. Before him, Myungsoo bit his lower lip lightly in hesitation and Sungyeol could not help but feel disappointment washed through him, because till the end, it was clear that Myungsoo did not want to stand in the same place with the boy.
So why did he bother to be there anyway?
The brunette wondered vaguely.
“I… Who is she Sungyeol?”
Eventually he settled down. Sungyeol’s brows furrowed at the question but he shrugged off nonetheless, answering nonchalantly:
“It’s not your business hyung.”
“What’s wrong with you Sungyeol? You look so pale.”
Myungsoo’s voice dripped with a painful sadness as he pushed a few stray hairs from the other’s sweaty forehead.
“I should be the one asking what’s wrong with you hyung.”
The younger bit back, that time louder as he forced a lump down his throat. Some passers-by started looking back in curiosity, but he could not care less at the moment. The only thing whirling around his mind was the fact that Myungsoo had left him for a while, then came back and acted as if there was nothing happened between them. Or was there really nothing happened? That Sungyeol just had been hypersensitive and everything was a big misunderstanding? For some mere seconds, Sungyeol thought, but the idea was soon dismissed when the boy thought about hundreds of messages he had sent without a reply during those times, and his heart was so hurt that Sungyeol only wanted to run back home and bawl his eyes out. Call him a coward, call him a crybaby, call him an immature brat, whatever, Sungyeol only needed his peacefulness and why did Myungsoo have to appear so suddenly and act as if he cared when he really did not care at all?
“It’s not your type to go on a blind date, so why? I thought we have talked about this already.”
“Like I said before, it’s my business and not yours.”
“You don’t even like h-”
“I said stop it don’t you understand? Go back to your girlfriend and make out or do something and leave me alone.”
A hurtful expression was drawn across Myungsoo’s face, and Sungyeol almost, almost, regretted what he had said. Memories from the past came back and the younger boy kept his head high as he stared at the other, eyes stunk with tears already but Sungyeol was too stubborn to let them fall in front of anyone, let alone that person. That was the only way the boy could save the remaining of his almost non-existent dignity.
Yanking his arm from the older’s boy grip, Sungyeol whirled his body around and started walking away from the scene. The nausea feeling all of a sudden came back to the boy as Sungyeol moved and he had no more desire than lying down somewhere, anywhere to ease down the discomfort. A stall nearby was selling udon and to be honest the usually delicious smell only made him want to throw up more. He contemplated whether to squat down with the hope to feel better again, but despite the fogginess of his mind the boy still remembered not to do it since he might faint before he knew it.
It was a long way to go back home, how could Sungyeol made it himself in such a state?
The boy thought and fear crept to his side again as all colors suddenly disappeared from his eyesight, and all he could see was black and white. Cold sweats ran down Sungyeol’s forehead as he stared blankly at the crowded street, alarmed as everything through his eyes looked like a jammed TV screen. Around him, people were too busy with their own works to even spare him a glance.
That was the only thing the brunette could comprehend before darkness enveloped him.
Sungyeol woke up with the familiar scent of his own cologne. Heavy eyelids blinked slowly as he looked around his dim-lit room, wondering how he could come back there in one piece instead of a hospital. The boy looked down to his clothes and noticed that he was changed already to his pajamas, the sleeves were rolled up revealed two pale boney arms. An insecure feeling bubbled up his throat and Sungyeol hastily pulled the sleeves down. His train of thought was disturbed when the door of his bedroom cracked open and Myungsoo stepped in, holding a tray of porridge.
“Eat something Yeol.”
The older called his name softly as he put the tray on the nightstand. Sungyeol’s eyes followed every movement the other made, and eventually he said, trying to void of any emotion:
“You should go home, it’s late.”
“You’re more important now, eat something.”
I’m important? The words tasted bitter at the tip of Sungyeol’s tongue, but the younger was too tired to put on a fight. Closing his eyes tiredly, the younger hoped Myungsoo could take the hint and leave him alone again.
Human was such a complicate kind of animals. One moment ago he wanted to see that person to death, but when the other was before his eyes, the hurtful was just too much that Sungyeol was afraid that he might break soon.
“I’ve told you not to do it Sungyeol and you promised me already. But what is this, Sungyeol? Can you answer me?”
Myungsoo’s voice trembled as he spoke. Sungyeol turned his head to look at the other only in time, as Myungsoo picked up his right arm and caressed the pale skin. The scratches and scars, some were old, others were still new, were eased down under his touch, and so was the sorrow in the younger’s soul. For once, Sungyeol felt like he was loved again, and the scars both on his skin and inside his heart would be healed again.
But deep down, the boy knew it was just a lie.
“I’m sorry Sungyeol.”
Myungsoo said, tears rolled down his cheeks to drop silently on Sungyeol’s palm. The sight wrenched the brunette’s heart painfully and he tried to take a deep breath, because the feeling was so painfully beyond than what he had experienced before. Even when Sungyeol cut himself or left scratches on his skin, his heart did throb in depression and longing for an escape, but the sensation had never been that hurt. It pained Sungyeol so much, knowing that the person he always wanted to feel happy was crying because of him.
“Don’t cry hyung. It’s not your fault.” The brunette paused briefly as he tried to find the right words “It’s personal choice of life and I just made it myself, not because of you. So don’t be guilty.”
“You lied Sungyeol.”
“Lies are always better than truth hyung.”
They sank back into an uncomfortable silence for a while, both were still lost in their own world. Myungsoo was the one who snapped first as he asked, voice still choked up with many shades of emotion and Sungyeol just could not put a finger on it.
“What about the girl this afternoon Sungyeol? Who is she?”
“Isn’t it better if I get a girlfriend? Being a normal person and maybe you will talk to me again?”
The brunette wanted to reach out and wipe away Myungsoo’s tears, which again were falling from the jet-black eyes but was too weak to do so. His head hurt again and Sungyeol thought it might be better to take a nap. His temperature raised slightly but there was no way Sungyeol would let the other know about that.
In his broken sleep, though, the brunette still felt like Myungsoo was with him. The older had been with him for a while, much to Sungyeol’s expectation, and before he left, Sungyeol felt his eyelids were being kissed gently. The warmth from the other still lingered around him even the next morning when Sungyeol woke up, and the boy assured himself that he was loved again.
Or it was just another broken dream telling him so.
A single teardrop slipped from Sungyeol’s brown eyes as the emptiness was slowly eating him from the inside.
***
If Sungyeol was given a pencil and a paper to describe someone who was so important to him, he would never hesitate to write about Myungsoo, despite knowing the older boy for merely one year. That he had a jet black hair that shone under the warm sunshine’s kisses of a May afternoon. That he always wore a checkered button up and had a wardrobe full of said piece of clothing. That he had the habit of dozing off whenever the lesson was just so boring, while still managing the title as one of the best students. That he once pissed off his teacher for such manner that his score was lower than others. That he did not have a smooth relation at all with his classmates in high school, and everything was like hell to the older around that time… And so on.
It was not like Sungyeol could understand fully Myungsoo, they hardly met due to different schedules but at least those were the little things he had tried to collect, piece by piece, day by day at a full stretch, and kept them all for himself in a crystal jaw. The brunette would open the jaw on some days, regardless of whether they were sunny or rainy, and pulled out those pieces. Just like that night, Sungyeol was also there, sitting alone in his bedroom with the jaw in his hands. He looked at all the broken pieces and thought of Myungsoo, thought about his smiles with eyes turned to shape of crescent.
He would look at those broken pieces and pretend that Myungsoo was there with him.
He would look and try to assure himself that everything would be fine eventually.
And just as the previous times, a single teardrop would silently roll down his cheek.
Because all Sungyeol could comprehend was that he was luring himself into some hopeless dreams, and yet he was still willing to dive in, with the hope that maybe, only maybe, that Myungsoo would be there for him.
The brunette tried to mentally draw the image of Myungsoo stood in the grand hall, in front of thousand of students that morning as he gave out the graduating speech. The smile on the older’s face was so precious, Sungyeol knew it was real and his inside warmed up a bit at the little thought. The younger boy had been there to witness the graduation ceremony alone, only for Myungsoo. He watched the older boy talk, bow, receive his certification, and even when he turned back to sit beside his girlfriend. Sungyeol’s lips curled up in a broken smile at the memory, but still, he had clapped his hands whole-heartedly without any regret.
Sungyeol just had no right to be regretful.
His eyes felt so stung all of a sudden, the brunette could not help but blame it on the amount of works he had done recently, though the school year had ended already. Sungyeol stared at the bottle of sedative his mother had sent him, along with careful instruction, knowing that her son had trouble with sleeping and fatigue. The boy had consumed the medicine for a while, probably two weeks already, and it did the trick in a first few days, before became useless again. Maybe he just did not take enough amounts for the effect to kick in.
For a while, Sungyeol only wanted to sleep and never wake up again. He thought as the long, slim fingers slowly twisted open the cap.
***
The second time Sungyeol woke up from the nausea and light-headedness, he was enveloped in white and white only.
Am I in heaven?
He thought but the distinct scent of a hospital told the boy another story, and he shifted his eyes to the side only to find his family members there. Daeyeol was the first one to take notice that his brother had awoke, as he pulled his mother’s sleeve to get her attention. Tear stains was still evident on the kid’s face and Sungyeol really wanted to pull his brother in for a hug, despite the fact that they had always fought like cat and dog back at home. The boy felt himself being lifted up, and before he knew it, familiar warmth had enveloped him in and the boy blinked once, twice, as tears slowly rolled down his side.
“How silly you are Yeol, we’re all afraid that we might lose you!”
His mother cried as she continued holding her older son for dear life, her arms trembled in fear. Sungyeol’s heart shattered at her broken voice and he was so angry with himself for disappointing her again. Beside the middle-aged woman, his father was standing stoically, eyes brimmed with tears and it just wrenched the boy’s heart more, since he only saw his father cry one time at grandmother’s funeral.
“I’m sorry...”
He whispered brokenly and his mother cried more, her embrace tightened around his frame. Sungyeol’s father squeezed his shoulder and Sungyeol knew they would never let him go anymore.
“Who took me to the hospital mom?”
Sungyeol asked, slim fingers toyed with the spoon in his porridge bowl. His mother stopped adjusting the blanket draping around Sungyeol’s body as she stared at her son:
“That Myungsoo kid called us. He said he came to your apartment after his graduation ceremony and found you unconscious on bed.”
“Oh…”
That was unexpected, but Sungyeol did not have a heart to express his astonishment anymore. The porridge was becoming more diluted and the brunette scrunched up his nose in disgust, it had been long since the last time he felt actually hungry.
“When you were still unawake he had stayed with us and only left after a call from his parents.”
“I see…”
“Sungyeol, I…” She paused briefly and Sungyeol could read hesitation drawn across her features. His mother was trying to find a right word to put in: “You gave him your apartment code?”
“He’s a friend mom. Woohyun also knows my code.”
Sungyeol shook his head lightly, lips curled up into a knowing smile and his mother only bit her lips in wondering, but did not press on any further, adverting her attention back to the blanket. For once the brunette was glad that he had an understanding mother.
It had been for a while, probably one year ago, when Sungyeol moved in his new home in Seoul. And the first thing the boy did after unpacking was calling Myungsoo to tell the older about his code, in case the other wanted to drop by. Or there was actually no reason for that act at all, maybe Sungyeol only wanted to share with Myungsoo some trivial things in life. Like what was his apartment code, what were his hobbies, what was his favorite color…
What a young foolish act. Sungyeol sank deeper into his pillow as he thought.
“Aunt Lee… Sungyeol?”
Myungsoo was standing at the front door, still wearing the clothes at the graduation ceremony yesterday. The boy looked tired with red, swollen eyes and his face was a little bit puffy, Sungyeol could not help but wonder whether the older had been crying before he came there.
“Mom, would you mind going out to buy me some apples? I don’t like eating this porridge.”
Sungyeol asked and his mother immediately took the hint to leave the room. As she passed by Myungsoo, the older bowed at her. In return, the middle-aged nodded in acknowledgement, but the brunette could see a glimpse of judgment in her eyes, and he just wanted to pull her in to tell her that everything was not related at all to Myungsoo. It was Sungyeol’s own choice.
“How are you?”
“Better now, thank you.”
Sungyeol was hesitant a little as he watched Myungsoo sat down at the same spot his mother just left a while ago. Their eyes met in a brief moment but Myungsoo’s quickly shifted to somewhere else, anywhere but Sungyeol’s face. The act startled the younger boy, but you could not kill a heart which was dead already, so the brunette only smiled vaguely.
“I heard that you took me to the hospital.”
“You’re really cruel, you know?”
Cruel?
Sungyeol was cruel?
So what about Myungsoo?
“Do you know that committing suicide is the worst way to torture people who love you? Do you know how much your family had cried for you, how worried they were to you? Do you know that I-I-”
Myungsoo choked up again, loud sobs and whimpers escaped his lips as the older did so. Sungyeol furrowed his brows at the sight, and on instinct he reached out to wipe away the tears from the other’s face with his sleeve. Myungsoo leant onto Sungyeol’s touch, the crystal drops soaked the younger’s shirt and Sungyeol could not comprehend why and when tears started falling from his eyes as well. His heart felt numb already but still pulsed weakly at the overwhelming emotions.
“I understand now Myungsoo, we can’t live in the same place.”
“What are you saying Yeol?”
“Maybe it’s better if one of us disappear forever. Two unhappy persons can not make a happy ending hyung, you know that, right? You tried to avoid me only to deny that truth. We are so alike, so alike that it actually kills us if we look at each other. In you I see the perfection I always crave for, but at the same time still feel the loneliness even when we stay in the same place. And it slowly kills me from the inside, don’t you see? I thought being with you can cure me, but it only deepens more my wounds. I want you, but being with you is just so painful.”
The younger paused briefly.
“And don’t tell me it’s all wrong hyung, because I know you feel the same. We almost feel the same at everything and that’s the reason why you’re afraid of being with me. You’re scared that you might see your true shelf in a broken trash. I know, hyung. I know.”
“Sungyeol, I-”
“If this condition still continues, if I still continue intruding in your life, one day it might kill both of us. I can just silently leave and pretend like we have never met before, but I can’t because it only hurts me more. The more I wanted you the more I hurt both of us. Why did you have to save me when I just chose the only way to set us free?”
Tears streamed down Sungyeol’s face more as he said, and the boy was supposed to feel embarrassed for letting the other know about his loser side. But at the moment the brunette could not care less. He felt himself being pushed onto Myungsoo’s shoulder, their foreheads touched and Myungsoo kissed his eyelids, his cheeks, his nose, then down to his lips. It was only an innocent peck, the older tasted bitter and Sungyeol could not help but try to shrug off the reality that his first kiss was with someone who already had a girlfriend.
“Just let me go Myungsoo. We’re all tired of each other.”
Sungyeol whispered and Myungsoo only tightened his arms around the other for one last time. The younger boy tried to engrave Myungsoo’s features in his mind as fatigue slowly invaded his weak body, because he knew when he woke up, they would be strangers again with Myungsoo were a sun, shining brightly for anyone in their world to admire, while Sungyeol remained as a normal rock on the dirty ground with a hope that one day he would become a meteor, burning beautifully even for once.
Maybe in another life, he would be loved, be accepted as a normal person, and be with Myungsoo just like how he had wished earnestly upon a star.
내 눈을 쳐다보지 않는 너
내 마음을 읽지 않는 너
내 슬픔을 외면하는 너
사랑해 그 말이 듣고 싶던 건 아닐까
<< You didn’t look at my eyes
You didn’t read my heart
You turned away from my sadness
I love you - maybe I just wanted to hear those words>>
END.