Why can't I hate you. . .
You should all know by now the whole situation between me and Brat. I love how every comment in here, more or less, has to do with him. .So I was at his house tonight. He had a few people over, including L. That's cool, like I said, i really like the girl. The only problem I had was as soon as I got there to begin with, he treated me like i was invisible. He said he wanted me to come over. When I got there he locked the door when he saw me coming. He unlocked it, but then didn't talk to me. He and a bunch of the guys went outside to smoke. I asked him sorta sarcastically, "so am i allowed to come smoke too?" He's like, " I don't care". I told him the only reason I had said that was because it felt like he was trying to get me away. It was like he was upset that i was there. He's responded with "you wanna be one of the guys, you've gotta get used to it". Wonderful. I said I was his friend, I am one of the guys. That doesn't mean you treat me like I'm not Maria too.
Later, before L got there. The entire time I'm talking to Sa and J and K and all these people, just chillin, having fun. Every time I looked at him he called me a bitch and said fuck you. I figured he was just treating me like " one of the guys" again. Nope. He explained he was serious. You know why? Because the 13th would have been our one year. Wonderful huh? Especially cause he's seeing someone else! It gets better. So yeah, I like L. Yeah, Brat's my best friend. It doesn't mean that seeing them together isn't still going to take some getting used to. Doesn't matter that it's not like that between Brat and I, it's still a liittle wierd. So it doesn't help when I don't see him anymore, L and Brat dissappear outside for a while, then walk back in and up to his room with out even looking at anyone. I decide it's probably best if I just leave. I go upstairs to tell him so and I see more than any ex girlfriend, no matter how friendly, ever wants to. It was just heavy caressing and making out, but still. . . it really hurt. I said, " I'm leaving" and walked out. Normally he would have run after me. Lucky me, he's been acting a bit outta character lately.
I was downstairs, trading tales of woe with a friend, trying to get myself to leave and to stop waiting for him to come after me. A few more people showed up and he came down to greet them. nice. . he can't leave his action to talk to a distressed best friend, but he can meet new pals who've come to party. He comes up to me and says, " what's wrong?" basically the words that were exchanged were these. I told him it was just really wierd that I walked in like that. he responded saying, what do you want from me. I told him i didn't know. I said that the major difference with him and L and me and S is that he doesn't have to see it. He doesn't have to walkin on it. He doesn't have to pretend it doesn't bother him in the slightest bit for the sake of the friendship. I like her, but it's only been like two weeks. I still need some adjustment time. He responds with, Whatever, I can't deal with your drama. Where the fuck did that come from???! he turns to go back upstairs. Wonderful. I love it.
Normally he would fight, now he doesn't care. I say whatever and turn to leave. He grabs me. Big mistake. I HATE it when people grab me. Especially grabby drunken Brat. I hate that so much. It puts me on edge. No matter who it is, I don't like being grabbed. I start to panic when people grab at me. I wrench my arm away. He grabs it again saying, wait a minute. I kick him to push him away saying, don't fucking touch me and walk out the door. As i'm leaving he shouts out after me " Well fuck you then. Have a nice fuckin life" and other things like that. I leave and he pokes his head out the door to finish up with one more " I hope you fuckin have fun". Now I'm fucked. . I'm sobbing. The thing no one really understands is that. . when he's good, he's great. That's what made him my best friend. Now that I've failed out, I have no one besides him. Everyone else is in school. when he's busy, i sit at home. I'm afraid now that L's going to not like me anymore. . or be wierd with me. It's not that I want him back, or that I want him period. It's just that's it's still wierd. Coupled with his asshole behavior, that was great. Tripled with the change in relationship we've been experiencing, it's even better. He can't sit with me on the couch cause he feels like hes doing something wrong. He can't hug me. He can't rub my aching foot. He can't be within 20 feet of me it feels like. Not because he's worried about what he might do or anything, it's just that he's got it in his head that now that he's seeing someone I become shit to him more or less. It started out with us joking about how he'd be like, " this is how we are cause we're just friends and if you can't handle it then that's you're problem" to seeing Taboos where there aren't any. It's not like she's doing it to him either, he does it to himself.
I hate it I hate it I hate it. I just don't know if this time will really be the time that I can be strong and say, I don't want to do this, but I can't handle it anymore. I'm sick of recognising more and more examples of how our friendship was really just a way of staying close to me, a way of keeping a foot in the door. Like we always said, we're doomed to either get back together, or end up getting in a huge fight not talking to each other anymore. You've made it so easy so many times and I'm trying so damn hard. . why can't I hate you?
Later, before L got there. The entire time I'm talking to Sa and J and K and all these people, just chillin, having fun. Every time I looked at him he called me a bitch and said fuck you. I figured he was just treating me like " one of the guys" again. Nope. He explained he was serious. You know why? Because the 13th would have been our one year. Wonderful huh? Especially cause he's seeing someone else! It gets better. So yeah, I like L. Yeah, Brat's my best friend. It doesn't mean that seeing them together isn't still going to take some getting used to. Doesn't matter that it's not like that between Brat and I, it's still a liittle wierd. So it doesn't help when I don't see him anymore, L and Brat dissappear outside for a while, then walk back in and up to his room with out even looking at anyone. I decide it's probably best if I just leave. I go upstairs to tell him so and I see more than any ex girlfriend, no matter how friendly, ever wants to. It was just heavy caressing and making out, but still. . . it really hurt. I said, " I'm leaving" and walked out. Normally he would have run after me. Lucky me, he's been acting a bit outta character lately.
I was downstairs, trading tales of woe with a friend, trying to get myself to leave and to stop waiting for him to come after me. A few more people showed up and he came down to greet them. nice. . he can't leave his action to talk to a distressed best friend, but he can meet new pals who've come to party. He comes up to me and says, " what's wrong?" basically the words that were exchanged were these. I told him it was just really wierd that I walked in like that. he responded saying, what do you want from me. I told him i didn't know. I said that the major difference with him and L and me and S is that he doesn't have to see it. He doesn't have to walkin on it. He doesn't have to pretend it doesn't bother him in the slightest bit for the sake of the friendship. I like her, but it's only been like two weeks. I still need some adjustment time. He responds with, Whatever, I can't deal with your drama. Where the fuck did that come from???! he turns to go back upstairs. Wonderful. I love it.
Normally he would fight, now he doesn't care. I say whatever and turn to leave. He grabs me. Big mistake. I HATE it when people grab me. Especially grabby drunken Brat. I hate that so much. It puts me on edge. No matter who it is, I don't like being grabbed. I start to panic when people grab at me. I wrench my arm away. He grabs it again saying, wait a minute. I kick him to push him away saying, don't fucking touch me and walk out the door. As i'm leaving he shouts out after me " Well fuck you then. Have a nice fuckin life" and other things like that. I leave and he pokes his head out the door to finish up with one more " I hope you fuckin have fun". Now I'm fucked. . I'm sobbing. The thing no one really understands is that. . when he's good, he's great. That's what made him my best friend. Now that I've failed out, I have no one besides him. Everyone else is in school. when he's busy, i sit at home. I'm afraid now that L's going to not like me anymore. . or be wierd with me. It's not that I want him back, or that I want him period. It's just that's it's still wierd. Coupled with his asshole behavior, that was great. Tripled with the change in relationship we've been experiencing, it's even better. He can't sit with me on the couch cause he feels like hes doing something wrong. He can't hug me. He can't rub my aching foot. He can't be within 20 feet of me it feels like. Not because he's worried about what he might do or anything, it's just that he's got it in his head that now that he's seeing someone I become shit to him more or less. It started out with us joking about how he'd be like, " this is how we are cause we're just friends and if you can't handle it then that's you're problem" to seeing Taboos where there aren't any. It's not like she's doing it to him either, he does it to himself.
I hate it I hate it I hate it. I just don't know if this time will really be the time that I can be strong and say, I don't want to do this, but I can't handle it anymore. I'm sick of recognising more and more examples of how our friendship was really just a way of staying close to me, a way of keeping a foot in the door. Like we always said, we're doomed to either get back together, or end up getting in a huge fight not talking to each other anymore. You've made it so easy so many times and I'm trying so damn hard. . why can't I hate you?