Alternately
Rating: pg
Word count: ~ 1,500
Warnings: hints towards sex
Characters/Pairing: Angsty!JunSeob
In a perfect world, they would kiss.
In a perfect world, Junhyung would have said it with confidence in every syllable of the sentence and it would speak volumes. It would be short, ‘I like you.’ I have liked you, for months now. I know you see it. I can tell that you like me to by the way you hide your smile when we touch. I can tell that when you lean in to whisper things in my ear, unimportant little snippets of information- you don’t care for them either. It’s between us. I can tell that sometimes those touches, it isn’t always so innocent, not as childish as you make it seem. It doesn’t matter what others think, because you mean that much to me and I would be nothing without you. I supose I could survive, but it wouldn't be complete. A partial existence. I don’t care much for that though, so I want you to be mine.
In a perfect world, Yoseob would be relieved. Because Junhyung had finally spilled, said what they had both been aching with every inch of their being to say and things would come together flawlessly. In that smile he would feel it too, the feeling of fulfillment that came when the last piece of a puzzle is set into place. It’s been building for so long, and they could both feel it. From the first awkward smiles, bursts of laughter at Kikwang’s odd joke and they share that look- their first shared secret and it’s so sinister. They laugh because the joke is stupid, Kikwang doesn’t realize it, and they don’t let him think otherwise. Something clicked at that moment. Their eyes met with that tell-tale twinkle and the rest is a whirlwind, before they both realize things have changed, it’s a blur from which the only thing that is clear is that feeling- details are hazy. Somewhere along the way, they both fell, long, hard- left breathless and staring in wonderment when it finally sets in that there is really nothing to deny, all that is left is for someone to say the word because the reality is the one they already live. Nothing would change except for the pressure that weighed so heavily on his chest during those moments where he says something to fill in the gap, because the right words refuse to come out.
In a perfect world, after that silence in which he would wait for an answer, nervous but sure- perhaps too sure that there is no other possibility than for Yoseob to say ‘yes, of course I do.’ But he would say nothing. He would smile at the ground as he always did, sending butterflies fluttering in Junhyung’s stomach and his skin warmer than what could have been explained by the warm caress of the suns rays through the half closed blinds. It would be the perfect morning, birds chirping noisily outside and Junhyung would think about how it didn’t compare to his voice. He would think about,for a short second that none of that would have caught his attention before and contemplate for a few moments what a meaningless existence it would have been without him. So close, so real, and so nerve-reckingly calm about it all. Reaching out in a small gesture of impatience because he can't take it for much longer, he'd brush his knuckles against the back of his hand. Sparks would fly. Familiar warmth would soon soothe the sensation that have them tumbling overthe edge.
In a perfect world, Yoseob would speak finally, after keeping him on his toes for so long, and tell him that he had thought it over a million times, and then once. Between kisses and wandering hands, he would admit, words broken by soft melodic moans, that he was afraid but thrilled, and ready to face whatever it was that came their way. In breathless whispers, he would say the very words Junhyung has been craving to hear.
What happens is a bleak contrast. Instead, Junhyung’s shoulders shake. He slurs most of the words, and is barely aware of some of what he says- not once is he able to look up at the younger's face, apart from glances here and there. Endless babbling, nonsensical and chasing rabbit trails, claiming it all meant something. Some incident that he has dwelled upon for far too long, words he’s twisted. They spill out and he thinks that his breath smells putrid, there’s far more alcohol in his system than he can handle. He hiccups, bloodshot eyes search for some kind of reassurance in his friends gaze, but it is void of any fondness. What set them ablaze isn't the fire that is meant to keep him warm, they are scorching and it burns his skin.
He should stop. Put himself out of the misery, perhaps laugh and say that it was all a joke. He never even looked at him that way, it was just a joke, a prank. Joker, he is the Joker and that mask is so convenient to hide behind but the line of rationality and sense are long gone. Yoseob’s eyes are boring into him for a second, and then they look away. At anything else and the pressure on Junhyung’s chest is so heavy he wants to throw up. Horrified. The expression on his face goes quickly from disbelief, to shock and then something Junhyung doesn’t want to register. He can't stop himself though every word that he speaks he regrets, even before they have fully took form in his head. There's the taste of ash in his mouth.
He is terrified. Everything is going to change. Never will Yoseob look at him the same way. He would probably turn away, avoid Junhyung like his life depended on it. Or his livelihood depended on it- and how could he blame him? It would be true. It is hard to admit that that is not it, at all. The possibility that they could ruin their image, being ostracized by a society that curses them, none of it has anything to do with it. He doesn’t like him. The truth is so plain and simple, and it stares at him like the face of a mocking witch laughter rings in his ears.
He doubts he can sink any lower, and then proves that he can. It takes effort to throw himself at the younger who stands near the edge of the bed. Limbs shaky as he clutches the other’s waist and buries his face into the other’s stomach, desperate please leave his lips. Don’t leave me. I take it all back. I can’t miss you. Perhaps, perhaps if he saw how deeply he had fallen- saw how desperate he had become, then Yoseob might change his mind. He might give them a chance- might try.
Harsh hands push him off with an offended shriek.
“Disgusting.”
The word is hissed in a tone so unfamiliar, that he hardly recognizes the voice as Yoseob’s. Tumbling back onto the bed is painful, he hits his head somewhere and it is cold, perspiration from too many drinks stick to his skin, freezing. Yoseob’s ragged breath is still audible, and Junhyung doesn’t dare look up, his gaze is fixed on the ceiling as silent tears escape the cornerof his eyes and his knuckles are white, clutching onto a flimsy white tshirt. He cards fingers through his hair. Then tugs. The pain doesn’t help. Time isn’t turned back by will. Yoseob is cursing under his breath. Junhyung turns over on the bed, holding his stomach as the footsteps storm off into the next room and a door slams shut.
In a perfect world, it would all be different. In a perfect world, he wouldn’t cry himself to sleep that night and wake in the middle of the night feeling numb. In a perfect world, he wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning to find that Yoseob has left, informing only Doojoon that he will be staying with a friend for a while. He doesn’t cringe when he sees him, just slightly, just enough to notice. He doesn't scamper away when Junhyung extends a hand, and never does he think that he is just that which Yoseob had called him. Disgusting.
In a perfect world, he would wake up to a soft kiss and whispered sweet nothings, warm breezes and the man he loved in his arms.
He wakes up the next morning to gray after a storm, and the color sags under his eyes. To a pounding head and a sick feeling in his stomach- to an empty bed beside his and a cold room, feeling for the for the first time, so profoundly lost and broken.
In a perfect world, Junhyung thinks, he wouldn’t be the only one in love.
Word count: ~ 1,500
Warnings: hints towards sex
Characters/Pairing: Angsty!JunSeob
In a perfect world, they would kiss.
In a perfect world, Junhyung would have said it with confidence in every syllable of the sentence and it would speak volumes. It would be short, ‘I like you.’ I have liked you, for months now. I know you see it. I can tell that you like me to by the way you hide your smile when we touch. I can tell that when you lean in to whisper things in my ear, unimportant little snippets of information- you don’t care for them either. It’s between us. I can tell that sometimes those touches, it isn’t always so innocent, not as childish as you make it seem. It doesn’t matter what others think, because you mean that much to me and I would be nothing without you. I supose I could survive, but it wouldn't be complete. A partial existence. I don’t care much for that though, so I want you to be mine.
In a perfect world, Yoseob would be relieved. Because Junhyung had finally spilled, said what they had both been aching with every inch of their being to say and things would come together flawlessly. In that smile he would feel it too, the feeling of fulfillment that came when the last piece of a puzzle is set into place. It’s been building for so long, and they could both feel it. From the first awkward smiles, bursts of laughter at Kikwang’s odd joke and they share that look- their first shared secret and it’s so sinister. They laugh because the joke is stupid, Kikwang doesn’t realize it, and they don’t let him think otherwise. Something clicked at that moment. Their eyes met with that tell-tale twinkle and the rest is a whirlwind, before they both realize things have changed, it’s a blur from which the only thing that is clear is that feeling- details are hazy. Somewhere along the way, they both fell, long, hard- left breathless and staring in wonderment when it finally sets in that there is really nothing to deny, all that is left is for someone to say the word because the reality is the one they already live. Nothing would change except for the pressure that weighed so heavily on his chest during those moments where he says something to fill in the gap, because the right words refuse to come out.
In a perfect world, after that silence in which he would wait for an answer, nervous but sure- perhaps too sure that there is no other possibility than for Yoseob to say ‘yes, of course I do.’ But he would say nothing. He would smile at the ground as he always did, sending butterflies fluttering in Junhyung’s stomach and his skin warmer than what could have been explained by the warm caress of the suns rays through the half closed blinds. It would be the perfect morning, birds chirping noisily outside and Junhyung would think about how it didn’t compare to his voice. He would think about,for a short second that none of that would have caught his attention before and contemplate for a few moments what a meaningless existence it would have been without him. So close, so real, and so nerve-reckingly calm about it all. Reaching out in a small gesture of impatience because he can't take it for much longer, he'd brush his knuckles against the back of his hand. Sparks would fly. Familiar warmth would soon soothe the sensation that have them tumbling overthe edge.
In a perfect world, Yoseob would speak finally, after keeping him on his toes for so long, and tell him that he had thought it over a million times, and then once. Between kisses and wandering hands, he would admit, words broken by soft melodic moans, that he was afraid but thrilled, and ready to face whatever it was that came their way. In breathless whispers, he would say the very words Junhyung has been craving to hear.
What happens is a bleak contrast. Instead, Junhyung’s shoulders shake. He slurs most of the words, and is barely aware of some of what he says- not once is he able to look up at the younger's face, apart from glances here and there. Endless babbling, nonsensical and chasing rabbit trails, claiming it all meant something. Some incident that he has dwelled upon for far too long, words he’s twisted. They spill out and he thinks that his breath smells putrid, there’s far more alcohol in his system than he can handle. He hiccups, bloodshot eyes search for some kind of reassurance in his friends gaze, but it is void of any fondness. What set them ablaze isn't the fire that is meant to keep him warm, they are scorching and it burns his skin.
He should stop. Put himself out of the misery, perhaps laugh and say that it was all a joke. He never even looked at him that way, it was just a joke, a prank. Joker, he is the Joker and that mask is so convenient to hide behind but the line of rationality and sense are long gone. Yoseob’s eyes are boring into him for a second, and then they look away. At anything else and the pressure on Junhyung’s chest is so heavy he wants to throw up. Horrified. The expression on his face goes quickly from disbelief, to shock and then something Junhyung doesn’t want to register. He can't stop himself though every word that he speaks he regrets, even before they have fully took form in his head. There's the taste of ash in his mouth.
He is terrified. Everything is going to change. Never will Yoseob look at him the same way. He would probably turn away, avoid Junhyung like his life depended on it. Or his livelihood depended on it- and how could he blame him? It would be true. It is hard to admit that that is not it, at all. The possibility that they could ruin their image, being ostracized by a society that curses them, none of it has anything to do with it. He doesn’t like him. The truth is so plain and simple, and it stares at him like the face of a mocking witch laughter rings in his ears.
He doubts he can sink any lower, and then proves that he can. It takes effort to throw himself at the younger who stands near the edge of the bed. Limbs shaky as he clutches the other’s waist and buries his face into the other’s stomach, desperate please leave his lips. Don’t leave me. I take it all back. I can’t miss you. Perhaps, perhaps if he saw how deeply he had fallen- saw how desperate he had become, then Yoseob might change his mind. He might give them a chance- might try.
Harsh hands push him off with an offended shriek.
“Disgusting.”
The word is hissed in a tone so unfamiliar, that he hardly recognizes the voice as Yoseob’s. Tumbling back onto the bed is painful, he hits his head somewhere and it is cold, perspiration from too many drinks stick to his skin, freezing. Yoseob’s ragged breath is still audible, and Junhyung doesn’t dare look up, his gaze is fixed on the ceiling as silent tears escape the cornerof his eyes and his knuckles are white, clutching onto a flimsy white tshirt. He cards fingers through his hair. Then tugs. The pain doesn’t help. Time isn’t turned back by will. Yoseob is cursing under his breath. Junhyung turns over on the bed, holding his stomach as the footsteps storm off into the next room and a door slams shut.
In a perfect world, it would all be different. In a perfect world, he wouldn’t cry himself to sleep that night and wake in the middle of the night feeling numb. In a perfect world, he wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning to find that Yoseob has left, informing only Doojoon that he will be staying with a friend for a while. He doesn’t cringe when he sees him, just slightly, just enough to notice. He doesn't scamper away when Junhyung extends a hand, and never does he think that he is just that which Yoseob had called him. Disgusting.
In a perfect world, he would wake up to a soft kiss and whispered sweet nothings, warm breezes and the man he loved in his arms.
He wakes up the next morning to gray after a storm, and the color sags under his eyes. To a pounding head and a sick feeling in his stomach- to an empty bed beside his and a cold room, feeling for the for the first time, so profoundly lost and broken.
In a perfect world, Junhyung thinks, he wouldn’t be the only one in love.