Submission and Addiction [Part 21-b]
Night had fallen and Kris still hadn’t returned. The rising moon found Adam curled up on the ground outside the house, his back leaning against the outside wall. He was shivering in the cold but wouldn’t allow himself to get a blanket from the house. Kris didn’t have any blankets, wherever he was out there.
Adam’s face was still clean and free of makeup and his hair hung loose. He’d changed into different clothes, a casual, loose-fitting, dark blue tunic he usually used for bedclothes, and he’d exchanged the pants for a much loser pair.
With each minute that passed, he felt more morose. He’d driven Kris away. And not only tonight. Kris had made it very clear that he’d been feeling spurned by Adam for some time now. Adam had failed to notice any of it. The mindless habits that had become part of his life since his time in his father’s house were so deeply ingrained by now, he’d never given a thought to how they would make Kris feel. With no more customers to please, the makeup was nothing but a wall between them, the sultry clothes a slap in the face when Adam refused to be intimate with Kris.
But couldn’t Kris see how Adam’s refusal had been in attempt to protect Kris and the purity of their relationship? Adam didn’t want it ruined, tainted by sex like everything else in his life had been. Like Adam himself had been. He wasn’t sure he knew himself in these clothes, and it panicked him to think of his makeup strewn across the bedroom floor, the pots broken and brushes snapped. Take away the dirty occupation that had engulfed his whole life, and Adam wasn’t sure there was anything left of himself anymore.
Adam needed Kris to come back. Needed to be able to see him and hold him. He needed to know Kris was safe, and that he knew how terribly sorry Adam was for everything. But even if Kris did come back, Adam didn’t know how to fix what it seemed he had irreparably broken.
The moon and stars advanced across the sky. Adam was half-frozen in the night air by the time Kris’ horse came trotting back. Adam had been dozing off, but shot up and jumped to his feet when he saw the figure on horseback. Even from so far in the distance, Adam could see how Kris was shivering. Adam rushed inside, emerging again a moment later with a blanket in his arms.
He hurried to Kris, meeting him as soon as he dismounted his horse. Kris tied and fastened the horse’s reigns before turning towards Adam. Neither of them said anything as Adam immediately wrapped the blanket around Kris. The smaller man still shivered, and Adam stepped closer to rub his hands along Kris’ arms, trying to warm him. They looked right into each other’s eyes, but the silence between them was somehow soft and uncharged.
“I was worried,” Adam finally murmured, “I made some stew for you. It’s still hot, although I can’t guarantee how good my cooking will taste.” Kris showed just the tiniest of smiles before letting Adam lead him inside with an arm around Kris.
Kris let out a sigh of relief when he stepped inside, where it was warm from the lamps Adam had lit. Kris moved to sit at the table, curling up and clutching the blanket around himself while Adam spooned out a bowl of stew for him. Kris thanked him softly when Adam gave him the bowl. Adam just sat silently beside him until Kris was finished.
“Are you ready to go to bed?” Adam asked softly. He was so tired, but there was no way he could go to sleep if he was alone in the bed. Kris gave a tired nod. He took the hand Adam extended to him before he got up from the table with the blanket still wrapped around him. Kris’ hand suddenly tightened around Adam’s, keeping the other man still for a moment. Adam turned to look at Kris.
Kris gave him a small, heartfelt smile. “You look beautiful.”
Kris’ eyes swept purposely over Adam’s plain clothes and uncovered face. Adam knew what Kris meant, but he wouldn’t tell Kris how hard of a time he had believing it.
“Come on,” was Adam’s only response as he led Kris towards the bedroom with a tug on his hand.
Kris undid the ties of his shirt and let it fall to the floor with a careless shrug of his shoulders. He noticed the broken mirror and the makeup strewn and shattered across the floor, and he looked over to Adam for explanation. Adam was pointedly avoiding looking towards the vanity table, so Kris said nothing.
Kris slipped into the bed without bothering to change his pants. He was so exhausted. He sighed happily as he settled under the blankets, glad to be where it was familiar and warm again. Adam got right into bed beside him, seeing as he was already in nightclothes himself. He curled around Kris, wrapping him in his arms and holding him close. Kris tilted his head in towards the other man.
“Where did you go?” Adam asked softly.
“I just rode, for a long time. Finally, I just sat and watched the stars for a while before turning back.”
Adam threaded his fingers through Kris’ hair, stroking it back tenderly.
A while later, Adam shifted. He tugged Kris in more tightly and pressed his head down against the younger man’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Adam said. Kris took it to mean for Kris leaving, but a few long seconds later, Adam went on.
His breath was shaky and his voice wavered, but Adam spoke softly, “I’m sorry, Kris. I never meant to make you feel like you were second to anything. You’re my everything, my life, Kris. I’m sorry I don’t know how to show it…..I’m sorry I don’t know how to be the kind of lover you want.”
Kris felt the words. He understood Adam’s guilt and helplessness. But Kris didn’t know what to do any more than Adam did.
Kris wanted to be close to Adam. He wanted to close the awful distance that had grown between them, even if only for the moment. He rolled over towards Adam and curled closer in his arms. Adam’s arms folded him in, and Kris slid an arm up around Adam’s shoulders in return. He sighed in content as his fingers twirled in Adam’s soft hair.
There weren’t any fast solutions or quick fixes, no matter how much either of them wished. Kris felt some relief that at least Adam seemed to understand now. His makeup-free face was just as reassuring and comforting to Kris as his apology. But for now, all there was for them to do was sleep.
Hours later, Kris woke to the sound of screaming. Adam was thrashing wildly in the bed beside him and he was shouting, crying out as if in pain. Through his alarm, Kris quickly realized that Adam was still asleep, trapped in some terrible nightmare.
“Adam!” Kris reached over and shook him, trying to rouse him. It took a lot before Adam’s eyes finally flew open. He jumped up into a sitting position, breathing hard. Then his head fell down into the cradle of his arms, and he started shaking.
“Adam?” Kris questioned softly, reaching out to place a tentative, comforting hand on Adam’s shoulder. That was when Kris realized with a start that Adam was crying. “Adam…” When Adam still didn’t show any response, Kris started gently pulling him in to hold him. He guided Adam’s head down against his chest and held him there.
“What is it?” Kris asked gently, his mouth pressed into Adam’s hair, “What was the dream?”
It wasn’t until then that Adam suddenly seemed to remember that he had Kris there to support him, to help him. He slid his arms around Kris’ waist. For a while, he just kept his face hidden against Kris’ chest, trying to school the tears rather than answer Kris’ question. He wasn’t sure he’d have the strength to put it into words. He couldn’t stop trembling though, and he felt Kris’ hands moving soothingly across his back.
After a long time, Adam finally took a deep breath. He knew Kris deserved to know.
“M-my single worst memory from my father. …I was reliving it.”
Kris moved a hand up to Adam’s hair, stroking his fingers through the strands gently.
“Do you want to talk about it? Maybe that would help.”
Adam took a deep, shuddering breath. Maybe Kris was right. Adam had never spoken about the experience since it happened. It was so long ago, yet he knew he’d never forget. Adam clutched Kris closer.
“It…it was shortly after my father forced me into working for him. It was after the second time. By now, I knew what to expect when he came to take me from my room. I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. I was only thirteen… I-I couldn’t bear it…” Kris gripped him more tightly, and Adam sobbed once against Kris’ shoulder. After a few seconds, Adam managed to go on.
“I hid myself away in the house, determined not to let him find me and sell me for another night. I stayed in my hiding place all day. When my father came looking, he tore the whole house apart in search of me. It took him a long time, but he finally found me behind the cupboard where I’d hidden, in an old storage room nobody used anymore. When he pulled me out, I screamed and fought him. I wouldn’t go. I hit him, I bit his hand when he tried to grab me, I told him over and over that he couldn’t make me do it again. He grabbed me and picked me up roughly, carried me out of the room despite how I struggled…”
Kris could feel Adam’s body tensing, shaking more as the memory went on. Kris almost didn’t want to hear about these horrific things that had happened to the man he loved. He wasn’t sure he could stand it, but he knew he had to for Adam’s sake.
“He wanted to make sure I knew I couldn’t defy him. He dragged me into the bedroom where he’d been forcing me to work. He locked me in. When he came back a few minutes later, he…he had rope in his hand. And one by one, he tied my hands to ankles to the bedposts, and left me there like that. Hours later,…he returned with two men. He told them they could have me for the whole night, and do whatever they wanted. Usually my father at least set rules but…not that night. And then he left, and they raped me.”
Kris held Adam as tightly as he dared without crushing him while Adam shook and whimpered and cried as the memory haunted him. Kris didn’t know what to do. There was nothing that erased memories like that, nothing that could undo the way they would follow a person forever.
Kris just whispered, “I’m sorry, Adam. …I’m so sorry,” and held him closer still.
Kris felt flashbacks to when he’d sat beside that bed in the Pharaoh’s chamber, watching Adam cough and gasp from the horrible illness, and knew that it was killing him. Kris had been so horribly helpless to Adam’s suffering, and he felt the same now.
Kris did his best to comfort Adam, murmuring to him gently, “You’re safe now, and that life is behind you. You’ll never go through anything like that again. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again. You’re safe, Adam, and I love you oh so much…”
After lots of Kris’ soft assurances and endearments, Adam’s hiccupped breathing finally evened out into sleep. Kris kept him close, holding him protectively as if he could keep Adam safe from any other nightmares.
Kris frowned as he stroked Adam’s hair and guilt overtook him. Adam had more than enough justification for shying away from any form of sexual contact. It had given him his most traumatic experiences. Kris suddenly regretted all the time he’d spend trying to convince Adam to attempt that kind of intimacy with him. Since he’d met Adam and quickly fallen for him, all Kris had wanted to do was to be there for him, to let him know he was cared for and loved. Kris felt ashamed that his personal desires had gotten in the way of that. Kris knew that he felt physical attraction towards Adam for reasons pure and heartfelt, much differently from anyone else in Adam’s past. But that didn’t change the fact that sex was sex, and it hurt Adam no matter the form it was in.
Kris curled up against Adam’s side and nestled his head in against Adam’s shoulder. He was going to keep Adam happy, no matter what.
The next day, Adam did his best to pretend the nightmare hadn’t happened. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to Kris about it or that he was ashamed for telling Kris, but it was just too painful to give any more attention to. Kris was careful around him, wanting to be comforting and loving without reminding Adam too much of it.
But even though Kris would rather have been thinking about anything else, Adam’s horrific story kept repeating in his mind. Over and over, and Kris couldn’t stop thinking about it. And then a sudden burst of enlightenment came to him and for the first time, he felt that he really, fully understood the things about Adam that he hadn’t been able to before - that even Adam didn’t understand about himself.
“Adam.” Kris had quickly made his way back the bedroom. Adam was sitting there brushing his hair. His face was makeup-free again and his clothes were more on the conservative side, but none of that mattered to Kris at that moment. Kris hovered in the doorway for a moment, not knowing quite how to say all the things that were flying through his mind. He cleared his throat and moved to sit on the bed.
“What is it, Kris?” Adam asked, looking a bit anxious as he came over to sit down beside the other man.
“I know this isn’t the easiest thing for you to talk about, but…I haven’t been able to help thinking about what you told me last night.” Kris took on the softest, gentlest tone of voice he could, but Adam still flinched and his face still fell in pain at the mention of it. Kris reached out to take his hand as he hurried to continue, “But it’s…made me think about things a little differently and I think I might know why you’re kind of…caught up in the life your father forced on you. Why it was hard for you to stop. Why you still turn to the clothes and makeup.”
Kris looked down to Adam’s hand, focused on stroking his fingers across the back of Adam’s hand rather than the nervous expectancy he could feel coming from Adam. Kris took a deep breath, and did his best to explain what had been going through his head.
“Needless to say, you hated every bit of what your father did, and you hated it every time you had to do the same thing later in your life. The…prostitution, I mean. No one enjoys that. It got you hurt sometimes, and it wasn’t always worth it. I could tell you dreaded when customers would arrive. But when your father forced you into it, it was more than just a job to do for money. It was…everything you grew up with. He turned it into your lifestyle. And after he did such a horrible thing to you when you tried to stand up to him, I doubt you tried defying him again any time soon. If you did what he said, you were safe. If you let him dress and primp you, and you were charming and sultry to the men who bought you, then your father would stay appeased. And you…you had to spend years like that. You had no options but to do what he wanted. And still, after you escaped with Michael, you had to use the same tricks to support yourself. Your father wasn’t there anymore, but all of the things he ingrained into you couldn’t just disappear… And not only that, didn’t he also…try to tell you the prostitution was all you were good for?”
Adam’s eyes were downcast as he answered in a sullen, dead voice, “He’d tell me I was lucky I had such a pretty face, because I’d be worthless otherwise. Told me I should thank the gods for giving me such a tight hole and a mouth made for cock,” Adam’s voice turned utterly hate-filled at the end, and Kris had always hated Adam’s father, but he couldn’t possibly despise anyone as much as he did that man.
Kris touched a hand to Adam’s cheek, coercing Adam to look at him again as he continued, “The sex you were forced into was always awful. But hearing your father spouting garbage like that, and knowing obedience kept you out of trouble, the lifestyle in your father’s house eventually brought you comfort, and safety with it. And that got so deep-rooted in you that…you never let it go. You couldn’t really say why, but something kept you drawn into the persona you’d taken on. That’s why, even after you’re done with the job, you…you’re still confined in the lifestyle. The part of you that thinks it means safety, acceptance…won’t let it go”
Kris took a deep breath when all of his thoughts were finally out. He searched Adam’s face anxiously, trying to gauge what Adam thought of Kris’ explanation. Adam looked away from him, his expression unreadable. Silence stretched on between them, and Kris grew more and more restless.
“Adam?” he asked meekly.
Adam suddenly rose from the bed. He moved slowly to stand in front of the mirror, his hands resting on the back of the chair that went with the vanity table. Kris noticed his hands begin to shake. Adam’s head dropped down from its usual proud posture to instead hang between his shoulders, his long hair obscuring his face. He made some kind of weak, inarticulate noise of grief.
Before Kris could do anything, Adam was whispering with strength and hatred and fury, “I hate him. More than anything…I hate him.” Then Adam was hefting the chair high into the air and throwing it across the vanity table. It smashed into the glass, breaking the mirror further. A reflection was indistinguishable from it now.
Kris sprang to his feet, throwing himself at Adam and wrapping his arms tightly around him in attempt to calm him. Adam’s arms came around him in return, but he was shaking. But only a few seconds later, the shaking gave way to a complete loss of Adam’s strength, and then he was leaning on Kris, clinging to him.
“IhatehimIhatehimIhatehimIhatehimsomuch,” Adam was whimpering, wavering on the edge of tears. “My whole life…he ruined everything.”
“Not everything, Adam, not everything. He could never touch this, never touch us. No one can. I promise you that.”
After that, Adam seemed to become withdrawn. Not only from Kris, but from the whole world. He spent a lot of time outside, just sitting in the sand and watching the sky.
The next day, Kris took the liberty of cleaning up their bedroom. He carried out the mirror, which was broken beyond repair from the times Adam had thrown things at it. Kris swept up all of the broken bits of makeup jars and tubs from the floor, and he placed all the cracked containers into a box to throw out. There were still some cosmetics left in tact on the vanity table. Kris was sorely tempted to toss all of them into the box as well, but knew he couldn’t.
When Adam came into the bedroom that night and saw how Kris had tidied up everything, he just turned to Kris with a bit of a smile and thanked him.
“Sorry I didn’t clean up my mess on my own,” he added.
Kris had shaken his head and responded, “Don’t be. I’m good at cleaning.” Then they’d gotten into bed together and fallen asleep with their limbs tangled.
The next day, Kris kept himself busy cleaning the house while Adam disappeared outside. Kris knew Adam needed some space after the talk they’d had the other day, but he was doing his best not to think of it as Adam avoiding him.
It was near nightfall and Kris was working in the kitchen dusting, cleaning the table and countertop, when Adam returned. Kris looked up and saw that he was carrying wood into the sitting room to build a fire in the fireplace to ward off the chill of nighttime. By the time Kris finished everything in the kitchen, the fire was going and the house was slowly filling with warmth. Kris looked into the room and saw Adam sitting on the floor before the fireplace. Kris came in to sit next to him.
They sat in silence for a while until Kris finally conceded, “I wish you’d talk to me.”
Adam sighed - not in the way like he wished Kris hadn’t said anything, but more like he knew Kris had a right to say it. After a few long moments of silence, Adam tipped sideways, laying his head in Kris’ lap.
“It’s just…everything is wrong,” Adam said softly with a sigh.
He closed his eyes when Kris’ fingers sunk into his hair. Kris slowly drew his fingers through Adam’s dark hair, and thought about how often it seemed he’d been doing that lately. But it brought comfort to Adam. Kris could feel the larger man’s body slowly relaxing, his eyes slipping closed and a tiny, contented sigh escaping him as Kris stroked his hair back.
“Everything?” Kris repeated, his voice with that weak edge that implied a question.
“Not only did he turn my whole life up side down…making me rely on the things I should hate and want to leave as far behind me as possible…but now he’s tainted this too.”
“What do you mean, Adam?”
Adam was silent for a few seconds. Kris could see his blue eyes were open again, gazing into the fire.
“Almost every day of my whole life I spent philandering. Most of it, as pitiful as it is, by my own doing, my own will. I hated every day of it but...it went on. Now…here I am, starting my life with the person I love more than anything…and I can’t even make love with him-..”
“Stop it, Adam. That doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Of course it matters!” Adam exclaimed suddenly, sitting up in a jerky motion from Kris’ lap. “Don’t try to lie to me and say it doesn’t. I know it hurts you, that I always said no. And you have no idea how much I wish I could…” his voice trailed off, like he didn’t know how to say it. His eyes traveled back and forth a few times over Kris’ body. Kris didn’t know what to do.
“Why are you acting like this?” Kris finally asks, barely loud enough to be heard.
“Like what?”
“This….like you want me. I thought you never thought about me that way. You were so upset when you found out I did.”
Adam turned away from Kris slightly, facing the fire again and drawing his knees up to his chest.
“I don’t know. All of a sudden, I don’t know anything about myself anymore. What you said the other day, it made sense. Too much sense. I feel like the earth that’s been solid for a long time under me suddenly shifted and gave out.” His head fell down into the cradle of his arms then, and Kris hated it when he did that.
“Stop.”
Kris reached out for Adam’s hands, pulling them away from his head and back down to his sides. Kris pulled Adam’s hands between them and kept a gentle hold of them. Kris waited until Adam finally looked at him to speak. “You can’t look back into the past for who you are. You can’t let anyone else dictate that for you. Not your father, not any of those customers, not even me. If you feel like you see things clearer now,…take this opportunity. The smoke’s cleared. You have this chance to find the sky on your own. You have to make yourself your own person, the person you want to be. No more hiding. You can find yourself, and be nothing but that.”
Adam just stared at Kris for a long time. Kris’ gaze fell down towards their linked hands. He couldn’t look into Adam’s face any more; the other man was looking at him so intensely.
Then Adam was suddenly lunging at Kris, cupping his face between his hands and kissing him in a full, passionate, mouth-claiming kiss. Kris gasped before his hands found Adam’s shoulders and his mouth scrambled to meet the beautiful, perfect power of Adam’s. It went on for a few incredible seconds before they parted, both breathing quickly. A second later, Adam pulled Kris in against his chest, folding him in as closely and tightly as he possibly could and burying his face against the side of Kris’ head.
“There is one thing I’m absolutely sure of and I always will be,” Adam whispered fiercely, his lips right against Kris’ ear, “And that’s that I love you so much I will never be able to find the words.”
Kris melted into Adam’s tight embrace before pulling back just enough so he could look up and see Adam’s face. Kris was smiling, and Adam swore his face absolutely glowed. Adam cupped Kris’ face reverently, stroking his fingertips as gently as he could across Kris’ face. “I will never deserve you and all the unbelievable things you’ve done for me. I’ll never deserve your incredible devotion.” Kris placed the softest of kisses on Adam’s lips to silence him.
“You’re so beautiful,” Kris was saying, “The most beautiful person I have ever known.” And Adam knew he wasn’t wearing even a dab of makeup. He also knew Kris meant so much more than what he was saying. When Kris looked at him…Adam could feel his heart speed up and stutter, because Kris was looking so deeply into him. Adam cupped Kris’ face again, because when Kris called him beautiful, it was like the word had never been used by anyone other than him. From his lips, the word took on a new meaning.
“I love you so much,” Kris murmured and Adam kissed with so much feeling and necessity, he wouldn’t have been able to stop if his life depended on it. Kris’ arms were twining up around Adam’s neck and Adam was holding Kris as close as he possibly could while they kissed and kissed and Adam had never felt anything like what was consuming him in that moment…
They kissed until their lips were too tired to continue. When they went to bed, Adam wouldn’t let Kris out of the circle of his arms. They slept, clothed, with Adam holding Kris tight against him - Kris’ back to his front, and Adam peppered kisses along the back of the other man’s neck until they both fell under.
Since they moved into the house, Kris had been making almost all of their needed trips to the markets. Kris had tired of the errand, so Adam went the next day instead. During the ride on horseback, his mind spun. So much had happened recently between him and Kris and he had so much to think about.
Adam worked his way through the stalls and vendors, picking up the cooking ingredients Kris had listed, some other things they needed around the house and a few other trinkets they didn’t necessarily need. Before leaving, Adam worked his way over to the clothing vendors. He moved over to one stall where fine clothing made of silk was being sold.
There was one large man already there looking through the wares, so Adam went over to the other side of the stall. While he fingered the fabric and looked through the different shades of colors, he glanced up at the man standing on the other side. Adam recognized him instantly and when he did, his body instinctually froze for a second before coming back under his control. Adam ducked his head, hoping and praying that the man wouldn’t look over and recognize him.
But not even a minute later, there came, “Adam? Adam Lambert! Who the hell ever thought I’d see you all the way out here!”
Adam winced almost imperceptibly before responding in a strained voice, “Good day, Mosegi. Yes, it’s quite a surprise. But I’m afraid I don’t have much time to hang around…” Adam turned away from the stall, ready to attempt a getaway, but Mosegi was already coming around the stall and Adam knew it wouldn’t be that easy.
Mosegi had been a regular customer, and one of Adam’s least favorites. He was rough and violent. He’d given Michael a good fight the few times Michael had had to kick him out.
“No need to hurry off,” the man said, coming up and placing a big hand on Adam’s shoulder. Adam was about the same height as him, but Mosegi was about twice as large the other way. Mosegi leered as he added, “What? Got customers lined up? If not, I wouldn’t mind taking a last-minute appointment.”
Adam looked away from him with a scowl and gave a rough shrug of his shoulder to push off the other man’s hand.
“Sorry. I’m out of business.”
“How’s that? You may not be as young as you used to be but you’re still plenty pretty.” A sarcastic, mocking tone tinged the man’s words, and Adam was repulsed. When Adam looked at his face, he could see that expression that he’d encountered on far too many men’s faces - that desiring, predatory look like Adam was some kind of choice cut meat. And the man went on, “And besides,…it’s really only the ass that people care about.”
“Allow me to rephrase,” Adam snapped hotly. “I’m retired. I got sick of degrading myself for filth like you. You’re not half the man I deserve.”
Adam turned on his heel and went to walk away.
He heard Mosegi’s outraged voice come from behind him, “And just what do whores deserve?! They take what they can get and be grateful.”
Adam had to turn and spit back angrily, “Oh, don’t misunderstand, Mosegi. I’m plenty grateful. Thanks to fools like you, I’ll be living with riches and comfort until the day I die. While you’ll be struggling to find someone to spend time with who you won’t have to pay.”
With that, Adam stalked off, thoroughly enjoying the shock and rage and humiliation playing across Mosegi’s face.
During the ride back home, Adam couldn’t seem to banish Mosegi and the things he’d said from his mind. But thinking of that thankfully led back to thoughts of Kris. Adam remembered the way Mosegi spit out the word ‘pretty’ at him with contempt, and then Adam’s mind was reversing to how Kris had called him ‘beautiful’ the previous night, with all that pure honesty and love and cherishment so clear in his eyes. The two men had said similar things, but the meanings couldn’t have been more different. Then Adam was thinking about the way Mosegi and all those men used to treat him, and the tender, gentle embraces and kisses Kris gave him. Suddenly, Adam couldn’t be happier that he’d given up that old life. He didn’t need whatever comfort or feeling of safety he used to get from it. He had Kris now. He had their life together, and even if they fought or argued like they had been lately, Adam knew without question that Kris would go on loving him regardless. Years ago, Adam would never have believed that he could come to have such a deep and implicit trust in another person. But then again, years ago, Adam would never have even believed someone like Kris really existed in the world.
Kris had never lied to him, never tried to coerce anything from Adam for Kris’ own benefit alone. When they had been at odds over their lack of a physical relationship, Kris had been so sure that theirs would be different from Adam’s previous experiences. What if…Kris was right? Adam knew Kris would be gentle, tender. He would never do anything to hurt Adam. After all Kris had done and sacrificed for him, Adam knew Kris would only want good things for him. And when Adam really thought about it instead of giving into his initial reaction of shrinking back from thoughts about sex, he could remember the few times he’d felt pleasure. With Brad and a few customers few and far between, and of course, with the Pharaoh. Adam had never dreaded or waited impatiently for the end to his and the Pharaoh’s relations. Adam could remember faintly wishing it would go on longer. The sex with him had been good because the Pharaoh was young and fit and filled with sexual prowess. And it had been good, Adam had to admit. Incredible, even. Adam’s brief affair with the Pharaoh had definitely demonstrated to him the enjoyable, pleasurable side to sex.
Kris was charming and beautiful. He was the single most alluring person Adam had ever met. Adam had felt an attraction to him since meeting him, but the feeling had only intensified, deepened, and evolved into something more meaningful and heartfelt as he grew to know Kris better and to fall in love with him. If he and Kris were to attempt a physical joining, maybe it could be just as gratifying as with the Pharaoh, albeit for a far different reason…because their relations would have something new woven into them, something Adam had never experienced before in sex.
Love.
Adam was uncharacteristically quiet when he got home. Kris took his bags from him and gave him a brief kiss, but didn’t bother him with questions about his silence. Kris took the bags into the kitchen to put the groceries away. Adam walked through the kitchen and straight into the bedroom. When he didn’t emerge for a while, Kris went into the bedroom after him.
Adam was sitting in his usual spot, in front of what used to be the vanity table. Now, the mirror was gone, the table ruined with deep scratches, and almost all of the makeup broken and cleared away.
“Adam?” Kris asked softly from the doorway. Adam turned with a small smile for him. “Sorry…I got rid of the mirror. You couldn’t really see anything in it anymore,” Kris said.
“No, it’s alright. I think I like this better, actually. Not being able to see myself.”
That puzzled Kris. As long as Kris had known him, Adam had spent hours almost every day sitting in front of a mirror, doing this or that to his appearance.
“Hm?” Kris hummed, and Adam’s smile twisted a little when he caught onto Kris’ confusion at what he had said.
“I don’t find myself attractive, Kris. I never have.”
“That’s silly, of course you’re…” Kris went to say, but Adam continued before Kris got the chance.
“I hate my body. In fact, when I look into a mirror…I don’t even really see anything below my neck.”
Now Kris was really lost.
“What do you mean?” Kris asked, brow furrowed.
Adam sighed, standing up from the chair slowly.
“I would powder my face, try to make it look as nice as possible. My face…it’s all I feel I can really call my own anymore. The rest of my body…it’s been used and owned and dirtied so many times by so many people. …Sometimes I wish I could discard it.”
Kris was still standing in the doorway, and when Adam looked at him, he saw the pain in Kris’ eyes, welling up from hearing Adam talk about himself like that.
Kris opened his mouth, but Adam beat him to it, “I know you would say you think I’m beautiful even knowing my past. But…you haven’t quite seen all of me yet, or the extend of what that past has done to me.”
Adam turned around so his back was towards Kris and he loosened the ties of his robes just enough so he could slide them down from his shoulders. He tugged them down just until his bare back was exposed to Kris. The second the fabric fell and revealed Adam’s skin, Kris gave a choked, horrified gasp. His hands flew to cover his mouth in his shock.
The scars. The endless, uncountable, horrid scars cut across Adam’s back in every possible direction, twisting and cutting in through each other in a dark red tangle that stretched the width of his whole back.
“H-how did you…what are they from?” Kris gasped, the sight of them making it hard for him to speak or think or do much of anything. His mind was just stuck on some monster has done this to him…
“It happened in the palace,” Adam explained, voice calm and impassive. “Lady Merrick was toying with me. I didn’t let her. I fought back, and she had the slavekeeper do this.”
The wounds from the whip had healed long ago, but the lashes had cut so deeply into his skin that the scar tissue had formed around the shape of them. He knew they were a brand now, a permanent part of him.
He wondered what Kris was thinking at the sight of them.
At first, Kris could think of nothing but the unbelievable pain that must have come with all those marks. Kris didn’t know how anyone could have survived it. Kris wanted to give in to tears, when he imagined the whip snapping down and striking Adam again and again and again…
But looking at the messy scars now, he saw them as a tribute to the fact that Adam was still alive. That somehow, he’d had the strength to pull through when his life had taken the worst possible turns.
Kris finally managed to speak, voice cracking a little, “You thought these would change my opinion of you?”
“Not necessarily,” Adam replied as he drew his robes back up onto his shoulders and turned around to face Kris again. “I just wanted you to see them.”
Kris didn’t say anything at first. He just walked forward and folded himself into Adam’s arms. Adam took him in, wrapping him up and holding him close.
“It just…hurts,” Kris murmured, his voice muffled where his mouth was pressed against Adam’s shoulder. “…knowing you went through all that suffering…all that pain and there was nothing I could do about it. There’s nothing I can do now to erase those things.”
“Hey,” Adam said gently, pulling Kris back the slightest bit so he could look into his eyes. “Being with you right now?” Adam traced a finger along the side of Kris’ face, “It heals everything.”
Kris pushed up to kiss him, and Adam drew Kris in close again as he returned the kiss with equal passion. When they separated, Adam lifted a hand to Kris’ face again, stroking his skin lightly.
There was something now, some kind of connection that had bubbled up between them. They both felt it; A physical draw that stemmed straight from the heart.
Adam swallowed past the feeling and spoke softly, “I don’t think either of us really understood. I didn’t understand why you wanted to try and you didn’t understand why I didn’t. But I think I might be starting to feel the same things you have. Or rather…I have the whole time but I couldn’t recognize it.”
Kris had tried to explain his physical feelings to Adam so many times in the past, but this moment was different. They weren’t angry at each other. Ever since that night Kris had rode off and left Adam alone in the house, things had changed. After the horrible taste of being split from each other, they’d been more receptive and willing to listen to one another and now was the best, warmest moment yet.
“It’s not like I wanted you right from the day I met you. I fell in love with you first. I loved who you are, everything about you, and it made me want to be close to you like that. I wanted the chance to tell you what you mean to me in more than just words…”
Adam silenced him gently, laying his thumb across Kris’ lips. “I was wrong for faulting you that,” Adam admitted. “It was just such a shock for me to hear it. It was probably a bit unrealistic of me to think that you would never have any feelings like that, because it’s true that everyone does. Even me. You were right, I have enjoyed sex before. It’s just so easy for me to forget that in the middle of all the bad memories. But I…I’ve been trying to think differently and I think I understand what you were saying. I think I feel the same. Just…let me try to tell you what makes me have reservations.” Kris nodded, his expression open and honest. He reached up to take Adam’s hand and hold it between his own, against his chest. “Kris, you’re just so…pure and innocent. I mean, you’re a virgin, I was your first kiss and everything. I just…I look at you and I see this bright, perfect person in you and I would never want to do anything to sully that. I don’t know if it seems right for someone with a history like mine, someone as…dirty as me, to take that from you.”
“But you wouldn’t be taking anything from me. You’d be giving me something, something incredible…that no one else has before. And it could never be anyone other than you, Adam. If you won’t lay with me, then I guess I’ll die a virgin.” They both chuckled briefly. Kris reached up to touch Adam’s face, and his serious tone returned, “And please don’t ever call yourself dirty again. If you’ve been able to see through my eyes about the feelings I have for you, then try to do the same for this. You’re beautiful. You’re wonderful, perfect, kind, loving…you have a light in my eyes, too. Nothing in your past has changed that. Not these that you used to wear…” Kris gripped his fingers in the cloth of Adam’s robes, “Not these…” Kris’ hand slid back to rest lightly over where Adam’s scars were. “Nothing. You’re radiant and you always will be.”
By this point, Adam’s breathing was uneven. It came in shuddering gasps and Kris thought he might be close to crying. Kris reached up to slide his arms around Adam’s neck and tug him down to hug him. Adam’s arms came around him in return, tentatively at first but then gripping Kris tightly. Adam straightened up again suddenly, looking down intensely into Kris’ face as his hands pushed Kris’ hair back away from his face, stroking it back repeatedly. His eyes were wet, but Kris thought he looked too happy to cry.
“I’ll try with you, Kris,” Adam whispered passionately, “The way you see me, the way you talk about me…it’s what I’ve wanted my whole life. And I want you and I’d do anything for you.”
“But it’s not just for me, right? You want to, too?” Kris asked, eyes wide and hopeful.
Adam nodded, murmuring, “Yes. I promise, yes,” and his hands already reaching up to frame Kris’ face as he leaned in to kiss him deeply. It felt like the kiss held something more, some kind of surge of intensity that rolled through each of them. Once their mouths separated, Adam kept his hands cupped around Kris’ face, and Kris’ hands were still clutching the front of Adam’s robes. They just looked into each other’s eyes for a few heavy, pregnant seconds. Both almost unable to believe that this was really about to happen.
“Me first,” Kris whispered as he reached for the bottom of his own shirt, his voice tinged with both excitement and shyness. His cheeks reddened the slightest bit, and Adam lightly kissed the blush.
Kris drew his shirt over his head and off. He had only the smallest little marks marring his skin where the punishments he’d received from his time as a servant hadn’t healed like new. But Adam didn’t notice them. Kris’ body was slight, but his chest and arms rippled with the hint of muscles and he was so absolutely stunning that Adam could not look anywhere but at him, and feel utter disbelief that this incredible man really loved him.
Kris was pushing down the waistband of his pants and rambling shyly, “We don’t have to go all the way…not right away. We can just try some things and see...” He was cut off abruptly by the frantic press of Adam’s mouth. Kris’ eyes immediately fell shut and he struggled kicking his pants off the rest of the way as he reached for Adam and kissed him back hungrily. Adam’s mouth started moving down Kris’ jaw, sucking and leaving a trail of wet kisses on Kris’ skin. He traveled downwards until he reached the side of Kris’ neck, where it met his shoulder. He attached his mouth to the juncture of soft skin and Kris moaned as Adam sucked and teased with his teeth.
Adam hands reached down to find the ties of his own robes. Kris was naked by now, so he knew he should get to work on his own garments despite how self-conscious he felt about showing all of himself to Kris. He’d never thought twice when it came to customers, but this was Kris. Adam cared what he thought. And Kris and his body were so incredibly perfect and gorgeous and Adam felt his own was so flawed…
Without letting himself think anymore on the matter, Adam’s robes dropped to the floor. Kris immediately pulled their bodies together, his arms around Adam’s neck. Kris kissed him again, and every worry and thought flew from Adam’s mind. His arms curled around Kris and drew him in more tightly against him. Kris felt their midsections push together and Kris gave a surprised breath against Adam’s mouth.
“W-wait,” Kris gasped, his hands falling to Adam’s shoulders, “I won’t be able to last long since it’s all so new to me. I want to tend to you first.”
Adam was about to ask Kris what he meant when Kris kept him quiet with a soft kiss. Kris’ hands slid around Adam until they found the web of scars on his back. Adam shuddered slightly at the touch, and Kris drew back a little. His eyes searched Adam’s face until Adam looked back at him and their eyes met.
“Would you…lie on the bed? On your front?” Kris asked in nothing more than a whisper. After a few seconds, Adam nodded. He placed the softest of kisses on Kris’ lips before turning to do as Kris had asked.
Kris watched him move, sliding onto the bed and then stretching out on his front, and Kris couldn’t believe this stunningly beautiful man was his. Adam tossed his head, throwing his long hair back away from his eyes so he could watch Kris.
Kris went over and crawled onto the bed slowly. He was determined to do this right. His intention was, before anything else, to show Adam through physical intimacy how perfect and whole he was and how much Kris cared for him.
Kris traced his fingers as lightly as he could across the mess of scars. They ran deep and the raised, scarred flesh was a stark, bright color that stood out from his skin. Kris traced the overlapping, crisscrossing lines of them until he reached the one that extended upwards the farthest, towards Adam’s neck. He traced back and forth across that single scar a few times while Adam laid still beneath Kris’ hand. Adam’s fingers were twisted in the pillow. When Kris lifted his hand away, he leaned over and placed a careful, gentle kiss at the top edge of the scar. A warm shiver ran through the whole length of Adam’s body. Kris laid a few brief, feather-light kisses down the length of the single scar.
He began feeling his way across the scars with his fingers, as if tracing lines on a map. His lips followed where his fingertips touched. He tried to imagine that the soft press of his lips could take away the pain Adam had endured, and Kris made sure to kiss gently across every single one.
Adam laid still, his breathing quickening. The recurring press of Kris’ lips felt impossibly tender and intimate, and as Kris slowly worked his way across the scars, Adam began to tremble the slightest bit. He’d never felt anything like this before. By the time Kris was reaching the bottom scars, his hands were soothingly sliding up and down Adam’s sides.
There was one scar left. It laid in a jagged line right across where the swell of Adam’s buttocks began. Kris leaned in one last time and brushed a kiss to either end of the scar. One of his hands stroked Adam’s hip as he sat up again.
“Adam?” Kris questioned softly.
Adam turned his head, and Kris could see his eyes were closed. “Hm?” he hummed in response, his voice sounding strained after Kris’ ministrations.
“Turn over?”
Adam nodded mutely as he rolled onto his back. Kris did his best not to blush when this side of Adam’s body was put on display. But of course, Kris couldn’t help his eyes from straying down to Adam’s manhood. His was much bigger than Kris’. Kris knew Adam could see where he was looking, and Kris could see Adam’s partially-erect cock growing more so under his gaze. Kris pulled his gaze back towards Adam’s face, knowing there were other things to do first.
Adam whispered the other man’s name then, and reached for Kris’ hand to pull him closer for a kiss. Kris came up, lying across Adam’s chest to kiss him slowly, deeply.
“I love you so much,” Adam murmured reverently, stroking Kris’ hair back from his face gently. Adam had been totally relaxed and all semblance of his personal walls removed after the tender kisses Kris had left across his scars. Kris wordlessly returned the sentiment by lifting Adam’s hand in his own to kiss it. Then after kissing Adam’s lips again, he did the same that Adam had done to him a few minutes before, sliding his lips slowly down Adam’s neck. Adam dipped his head to the other side with a soft sigh, his hands reaching for Kris.
Kris moved above him, settling down straddling Adam’s waist. He gripped Adam’s arms and pushed them up so they were over his head. Adam went willingly, his body pliant and relaxed beneath Kris. Kris smiled and pressed a kiss to his chin.
Pulling back to sit up, his legs on either side of Adam’s waist, Kris moved his hands down along Adam’s body. Then his hands worked their way slowly back up to Adam’s nipples, his fingers brushing over them once and eliciting a soft sound from Adam. Adam’s sound of pleasure fluttered through Kris, and Kris, despite his lack of experience, was focused exactly on what he wanted to do - make Adam feel as good and cherished as he possible could.
Kris leaned down again, fitting his body down across Adam’s as Kris pressed a tender kiss to the other man’s collarbone. Kris began a soft trail of kisses moving downwards. Heat blossomed under Adam’s skin wherever Kris’ mouth touched.
Needing something to ground himself, Adam lowered his arms and his hands curled around the backs of Kris’ thighs. Without really thinking about it, his hands started moving back and forth across Kris’ skin, trying to reach as much as possible.
Kris’ mouth reached Adam’s nipples and he sucked the right one into his mouth. As Kris swirled his tongue and nipped lightly with his teeth, Adam arched up a little with a small moan. He was just as sensitive as anyone would be, thanks to the rarity in the past of people doing anything of this sort to him. Kris brushed his fingers across Adam’s other nipple before switching his mouth over. After lapping over the bud for a while, Kris started kissing his way farther down Adam’s chest. He shifted down Adam’s body a little bit so he could reach his hips and press a few kisses across them. He looked up to Adam’s face and smiled to himself when he saw Adam’s eyes closed and lips parted as labored, pleasured breaths passed between them.
Kris crawled his way back up Adam’s body so he could reach Adam’s mouth. He kissed Adam slowly and deeply. His tongue searched out Adam’s until both of theirs met with hot friction. The kiss tinted with the shades of their soft moans. Adam’s hands slid up Kris’ thighs, gathering Kris in closer. His hands finally moved all the way up to the globes of Kris’ ass and Kris let out another moan when he felt Adam’s hands gripping him there.
When they separated, their gazes locked for only a moment before they dove into another kiss. Even though his heart raced with apprehension at the thought, Kris knew exactly what to do next.
With one last peck to Adam’s lips, Kris quickly moved back down Adam’s body. He settled down between Adam’s legs, his member at eye level. As soon as Adam realized what was on Kris’ mind, he was sitting up and saying, “No, Kris, you don’t have to…”
“Shhh,” Kris hushed him, his hands landing on Adam’s hips and holding him still. “Please, I want to.” He kissed Adam’s hip and rubbed over his skin with his hands until Adam was settling back down in the bed. Kris’ voice took on a bit more shyness now, “I’ll probably be really bad though, seeing as I’ve never done any of this stuff before.”
“You could never do anything badly.”
Kris just laughed a little at Adam’s words and shook his head. His attention refocused on Adam’s cock and suddenly Kris was serious again. He would try his best.
He held the base of the shaft in his hands before taking a few experimental licks at the tip. Once he felt adjusted to the taste, he took just a little bit in between his lips and sucked softly. He heard Adam give a soft but sharp groan from above him. He looked up at Adam’s face, saw his head tipped back in the pillows and his eyes closed, and absolute determination shot through Kris.
He pulled off for a moment to take a deep breath before sliding his mouth down as far as he could. Sucking didn’t work as well when there was so much in his mouth, so Kris started sliding his lips up Adam’s length and then back down to the limit that he could reach. Hearing Adam’s almost continual moans drove him on to move faster. A few seconds later, he felt Adam’s hands in his hair, gripping the strands but not pulling.
Kris’ movements were a bit clumsy, but Adam was lost in nothing but pleasure. Just knowing it was Kris he was sharing this with - Kris, who loved him - made the sensations incredible and his heart spin wildly in his chest.
Kris wanted to continue what he was doing as it was obvious Adam liked it, but Kris’ jaw was growing sore too quickly. He pulled his mouth off and instead he began pumping Adam’s length with his hands. He took just the head back in his mouth, sucking and swirling his tongue against it. Adam almost cried out, his hips bucking a little bit despite how he was clearly trying to control them. Kris felt Adam’s hands cupping the back of his head and Kris slid his mouth down a little lower. He did his best to make his fists come up high enough to reach his mouth, so all of Adam’s length was being stimulated. Kris had no idea whether he was doing this the ‘right way’, he was just doing what felt right and drew the best responses from his lover.
After a few more minutes, Adam gave his hair a tug. Kris could hear him panting by now.
“K-Kris,” Adam gasped, pulling Kris’ hair a little, “I…I’m almost there. You should pull off…” Kris slid his mouth off just to shake his head before resuming. He was determined to do this all the way. Adam began to protest again, but then his words cut off with a loud moan when Kris’ tongue found a sensitive section on the underside of his cock. Adam gasped out his lover’s name before Kris felt the first trickle of warm wetness against his tongue. Then it came more quickly, and he made himself swallow before it could flood his mouth. It only took about three swallows before Adam was falling limp on the bed and Kris was cleaning the last bit of cum from Adam’s cock with his tongue. It tasted unusual, but Kris thought it was alright.
He kissed Adam’s hip before crawling up to curl against Adam’s side. Adam was still catching his breath as he turned his head towards Kris. Kris looked up into Adam’s face and the blinding smile he saw there made his heart leap.
“Kris…” Adam turned over so he could gather Kris in his arms and kiss his forehead. Adam looked down towards Kris’ cock, seeing it was half-hard.
“Let me do the same for you,” Adam offered, but Kris was already shaking his head. The ache from his groin would fade. He shifted his hips away from Adam slightly and laid his head down against Adam’s chest and closed his eyes.
“I just wanted our first experience to be for you. And I don’t want to risk moving too quickly…”
“Are you sure?”
“Completely.” Kris tipped his head upwards so he could give Adam a gentle kiss on the lips. When Kris settled down against Adam’s chest again, the older man’s arms encircled him more tightly and Kris sighed in content.
After a stretch of silence, Kris nervously asked the question that had been on his mind, “So…um, how was it?” He quickly hid his face against Adam’s chest a little. Adam laughed a little and stroked one hand through Kris’ hair.
“You were absolutely wonderful, Kris. The best.”
“You’re just saying that,” Kris mumbled with a blush, his voice muffled by Adam’s chest.
“No, I am most certainly not. I could feel that you were trying so much, so hard. You…just wanted to make me feel as good as you could. And that was incredible.”
“I…I did. That’s what I was thinking.”
“It worked, Kris.”
When Kris lifted his head up a bit from having his face pressed into Adam’s chest, Adam’s arms pulled him in so Kris’ head was cradled against Adam’s shoulder and he had the smaller man wrapped securely in his arms. Kris smiled as he closed his eyes, wrapped up in his warm, loving cocoon. He slid his arms around Adam’s waist. The press of so much skin-on-skin sent a joyful thrill through both of them. It was an entirely new sensation. Even to Adam, who’d never had a real lover before who he could just hold when they were naked in bed together.
Kris’ eyes were closed and he was just reaching the first taste of sleep when he heard Adam’s soft voice saying, “Thank you.” Kris’ eyes blinked open, trying to remember the context of Adam’s words. “Thank you…for talking me into trying. For not giving up and walking away from me when I kept saying no.” Kris suddenly remembered the situation.
Kris tilted his head up to see Adam’s face. He was looking up towards the ceiling, his eyes not exactly focused. Kris straightened his neck up to kiss Adam on the cheek.
When Adam was looking back at him, Kris reached up to touch Adam’s face and he told him gently yet with heartfelt promise, “I would never walk away from you.”
[[Continue]]
Adam’s face was still clean and free of makeup and his hair hung loose. He’d changed into different clothes, a casual, loose-fitting, dark blue tunic he usually used for bedclothes, and he’d exchanged the pants for a much loser pair.
With each minute that passed, he felt more morose. He’d driven Kris away. And not only tonight. Kris had made it very clear that he’d been feeling spurned by Adam for some time now. Adam had failed to notice any of it. The mindless habits that had become part of his life since his time in his father’s house were so deeply ingrained by now, he’d never given a thought to how they would make Kris feel. With no more customers to please, the makeup was nothing but a wall between them, the sultry clothes a slap in the face when Adam refused to be intimate with Kris.
But couldn’t Kris see how Adam’s refusal had been in attempt to protect Kris and the purity of their relationship? Adam didn’t want it ruined, tainted by sex like everything else in his life had been. Like Adam himself had been. He wasn’t sure he knew himself in these clothes, and it panicked him to think of his makeup strewn across the bedroom floor, the pots broken and brushes snapped. Take away the dirty occupation that had engulfed his whole life, and Adam wasn’t sure there was anything left of himself anymore.
Adam needed Kris to come back. Needed to be able to see him and hold him. He needed to know Kris was safe, and that he knew how terribly sorry Adam was for everything. But even if Kris did come back, Adam didn’t know how to fix what it seemed he had irreparably broken.
The moon and stars advanced across the sky. Adam was half-frozen in the night air by the time Kris’ horse came trotting back. Adam had been dozing off, but shot up and jumped to his feet when he saw the figure on horseback. Even from so far in the distance, Adam could see how Kris was shivering. Adam rushed inside, emerging again a moment later with a blanket in his arms.
He hurried to Kris, meeting him as soon as he dismounted his horse. Kris tied and fastened the horse’s reigns before turning towards Adam. Neither of them said anything as Adam immediately wrapped the blanket around Kris. The smaller man still shivered, and Adam stepped closer to rub his hands along Kris’ arms, trying to warm him. They looked right into each other’s eyes, but the silence between them was somehow soft and uncharged.
“I was worried,” Adam finally murmured, “I made some stew for you. It’s still hot, although I can’t guarantee how good my cooking will taste.” Kris showed just the tiniest of smiles before letting Adam lead him inside with an arm around Kris.
Kris let out a sigh of relief when he stepped inside, where it was warm from the lamps Adam had lit. Kris moved to sit at the table, curling up and clutching the blanket around himself while Adam spooned out a bowl of stew for him. Kris thanked him softly when Adam gave him the bowl. Adam just sat silently beside him until Kris was finished.
“Are you ready to go to bed?” Adam asked softly. He was so tired, but there was no way he could go to sleep if he was alone in the bed. Kris gave a tired nod. He took the hand Adam extended to him before he got up from the table with the blanket still wrapped around him. Kris’ hand suddenly tightened around Adam’s, keeping the other man still for a moment. Adam turned to look at Kris.
Kris gave him a small, heartfelt smile. “You look beautiful.”
Kris’ eyes swept purposely over Adam’s plain clothes and uncovered face. Adam knew what Kris meant, but he wouldn’t tell Kris how hard of a time he had believing it.
“Come on,” was Adam’s only response as he led Kris towards the bedroom with a tug on his hand.
Kris undid the ties of his shirt and let it fall to the floor with a careless shrug of his shoulders. He noticed the broken mirror and the makeup strewn and shattered across the floor, and he looked over to Adam for explanation. Adam was pointedly avoiding looking towards the vanity table, so Kris said nothing.
Kris slipped into the bed without bothering to change his pants. He was so exhausted. He sighed happily as he settled under the blankets, glad to be where it was familiar and warm again. Adam got right into bed beside him, seeing as he was already in nightclothes himself. He curled around Kris, wrapping him in his arms and holding him close. Kris tilted his head in towards the other man.
“Where did you go?” Adam asked softly.
“I just rode, for a long time. Finally, I just sat and watched the stars for a while before turning back.”
Adam threaded his fingers through Kris’ hair, stroking it back tenderly.
A while later, Adam shifted. He tugged Kris in more tightly and pressed his head down against the younger man’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Adam said. Kris took it to mean for Kris leaving, but a few long seconds later, Adam went on.
His breath was shaky and his voice wavered, but Adam spoke softly, “I’m sorry, Kris. I never meant to make you feel like you were second to anything. You’re my everything, my life, Kris. I’m sorry I don’t know how to show it…..I’m sorry I don’t know how to be the kind of lover you want.”
Kris felt the words. He understood Adam’s guilt and helplessness. But Kris didn’t know what to do any more than Adam did.
Kris wanted to be close to Adam. He wanted to close the awful distance that had grown between them, even if only for the moment. He rolled over towards Adam and curled closer in his arms. Adam’s arms folded him in, and Kris slid an arm up around Adam’s shoulders in return. He sighed in content as his fingers twirled in Adam’s soft hair.
There weren’t any fast solutions or quick fixes, no matter how much either of them wished. Kris felt some relief that at least Adam seemed to understand now. His makeup-free face was just as reassuring and comforting to Kris as his apology. But for now, all there was for them to do was sleep.
Hours later, Kris woke to the sound of screaming. Adam was thrashing wildly in the bed beside him and he was shouting, crying out as if in pain. Through his alarm, Kris quickly realized that Adam was still asleep, trapped in some terrible nightmare.
“Adam!” Kris reached over and shook him, trying to rouse him. It took a lot before Adam’s eyes finally flew open. He jumped up into a sitting position, breathing hard. Then his head fell down into the cradle of his arms, and he started shaking.
“Adam?” Kris questioned softly, reaching out to place a tentative, comforting hand on Adam’s shoulder. That was when Kris realized with a start that Adam was crying. “Adam…” When Adam still didn’t show any response, Kris started gently pulling him in to hold him. He guided Adam’s head down against his chest and held him there.
“What is it?” Kris asked gently, his mouth pressed into Adam’s hair, “What was the dream?”
It wasn’t until then that Adam suddenly seemed to remember that he had Kris there to support him, to help him. He slid his arms around Kris’ waist. For a while, he just kept his face hidden against Kris’ chest, trying to school the tears rather than answer Kris’ question. He wasn’t sure he’d have the strength to put it into words. He couldn’t stop trembling though, and he felt Kris’ hands moving soothingly across his back.
After a long time, Adam finally took a deep breath. He knew Kris deserved to know.
“M-my single worst memory from my father. …I was reliving it.”
Kris moved a hand up to Adam’s hair, stroking his fingers through the strands gently.
“Do you want to talk about it? Maybe that would help.”
Adam took a deep, shuddering breath. Maybe Kris was right. Adam had never spoken about the experience since it happened. It was so long ago, yet he knew he’d never forget. Adam clutched Kris closer.
“It…it was shortly after my father forced me into working for him. It was after the second time. By now, I knew what to expect when he came to take me from my room. I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. I was only thirteen… I-I couldn’t bear it…” Kris gripped him more tightly, and Adam sobbed once against Kris’ shoulder. After a few seconds, Adam managed to go on.
“I hid myself away in the house, determined not to let him find me and sell me for another night. I stayed in my hiding place all day. When my father came looking, he tore the whole house apart in search of me. It took him a long time, but he finally found me behind the cupboard where I’d hidden, in an old storage room nobody used anymore. When he pulled me out, I screamed and fought him. I wouldn’t go. I hit him, I bit his hand when he tried to grab me, I told him over and over that he couldn’t make me do it again. He grabbed me and picked me up roughly, carried me out of the room despite how I struggled…”
Kris could feel Adam’s body tensing, shaking more as the memory went on. Kris almost didn’t want to hear about these horrific things that had happened to the man he loved. He wasn’t sure he could stand it, but he knew he had to for Adam’s sake.
“He wanted to make sure I knew I couldn’t defy him. He dragged me into the bedroom where he’d been forcing me to work. He locked me in. When he came back a few minutes later, he…he had rope in his hand. And one by one, he tied my hands to ankles to the bedposts, and left me there like that. Hours later,…he returned with two men. He told them they could have me for the whole night, and do whatever they wanted. Usually my father at least set rules but…not that night. And then he left, and they raped me.”
Kris held Adam as tightly as he dared without crushing him while Adam shook and whimpered and cried as the memory haunted him. Kris didn’t know what to do. There was nothing that erased memories like that, nothing that could undo the way they would follow a person forever.
Kris just whispered, “I’m sorry, Adam. …I’m so sorry,” and held him closer still.
Kris felt flashbacks to when he’d sat beside that bed in the Pharaoh’s chamber, watching Adam cough and gasp from the horrible illness, and knew that it was killing him. Kris had been so horribly helpless to Adam’s suffering, and he felt the same now.
Kris did his best to comfort Adam, murmuring to him gently, “You’re safe now, and that life is behind you. You’ll never go through anything like that again. I won’t let anyone hurt you ever again. You’re safe, Adam, and I love you oh so much…”
After lots of Kris’ soft assurances and endearments, Adam’s hiccupped breathing finally evened out into sleep. Kris kept him close, holding him protectively as if he could keep Adam safe from any other nightmares.
Kris frowned as he stroked Adam’s hair and guilt overtook him. Adam had more than enough justification for shying away from any form of sexual contact. It had given him his most traumatic experiences. Kris suddenly regretted all the time he’d spend trying to convince Adam to attempt that kind of intimacy with him. Since he’d met Adam and quickly fallen for him, all Kris had wanted to do was to be there for him, to let him know he was cared for and loved. Kris felt ashamed that his personal desires had gotten in the way of that. Kris knew that he felt physical attraction towards Adam for reasons pure and heartfelt, much differently from anyone else in Adam’s past. But that didn’t change the fact that sex was sex, and it hurt Adam no matter the form it was in.
Kris curled up against Adam’s side and nestled his head in against Adam’s shoulder. He was going to keep Adam happy, no matter what.
The next day, Adam did his best to pretend the nightmare hadn’t happened. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to Kris about it or that he was ashamed for telling Kris, but it was just too painful to give any more attention to. Kris was careful around him, wanting to be comforting and loving without reminding Adam too much of it.
But even though Kris would rather have been thinking about anything else, Adam’s horrific story kept repeating in his mind. Over and over, and Kris couldn’t stop thinking about it. And then a sudden burst of enlightenment came to him and for the first time, he felt that he really, fully understood the things about Adam that he hadn’t been able to before - that even Adam didn’t understand about himself.
“Adam.” Kris had quickly made his way back the bedroom. Adam was sitting there brushing his hair. His face was makeup-free again and his clothes were more on the conservative side, but none of that mattered to Kris at that moment. Kris hovered in the doorway for a moment, not knowing quite how to say all the things that were flying through his mind. He cleared his throat and moved to sit on the bed.
“What is it, Kris?” Adam asked, looking a bit anxious as he came over to sit down beside the other man.
“I know this isn’t the easiest thing for you to talk about, but…I haven’t been able to help thinking about what you told me last night.” Kris took on the softest, gentlest tone of voice he could, but Adam still flinched and his face still fell in pain at the mention of it. Kris reached out to take his hand as he hurried to continue, “But it’s…made me think about things a little differently and I think I might know why you’re kind of…caught up in the life your father forced on you. Why it was hard for you to stop. Why you still turn to the clothes and makeup.”
Kris looked down to Adam’s hand, focused on stroking his fingers across the back of Adam’s hand rather than the nervous expectancy he could feel coming from Adam. Kris took a deep breath, and did his best to explain what had been going through his head.
“Needless to say, you hated every bit of what your father did, and you hated it every time you had to do the same thing later in your life. The…prostitution, I mean. No one enjoys that. It got you hurt sometimes, and it wasn’t always worth it. I could tell you dreaded when customers would arrive. But when your father forced you into it, it was more than just a job to do for money. It was…everything you grew up with. He turned it into your lifestyle. And after he did such a horrible thing to you when you tried to stand up to him, I doubt you tried defying him again any time soon. If you did what he said, you were safe. If you let him dress and primp you, and you were charming and sultry to the men who bought you, then your father would stay appeased. And you…you had to spend years like that. You had no options but to do what he wanted. And still, after you escaped with Michael, you had to use the same tricks to support yourself. Your father wasn’t there anymore, but all of the things he ingrained into you couldn’t just disappear… And not only that, didn’t he also…try to tell you the prostitution was all you were good for?”
Adam’s eyes were downcast as he answered in a sullen, dead voice, “He’d tell me I was lucky I had such a pretty face, because I’d be worthless otherwise. Told me I should thank the gods for giving me such a tight hole and a mouth made for cock,” Adam’s voice turned utterly hate-filled at the end, and Kris had always hated Adam’s father, but he couldn’t possibly despise anyone as much as he did that man.
Kris touched a hand to Adam’s cheek, coercing Adam to look at him again as he continued, “The sex you were forced into was always awful. But hearing your father spouting garbage like that, and knowing obedience kept you out of trouble, the lifestyle in your father’s house eventually brought you comfort, and safety with it. And that got so deep-rooted in you that…you never let it go. You couldn’t really say why, but something kept you drawn into the persona you’d taken on. That’s why, even after you’re done with the job, you…you’re still confined in the lifestyle. The part of you that thinks it means safety, acceptance…won’t let it go”
Kris took a deep breath when all of his thoughts were finally out. He searched Adam’s face anxiously, trying to gauge what Adam thought of Kris’ explanation. Adam looked away from him, his expression unreadable. Silence stretched on between them, and Kris grew more and more restless.
“Adam?” he asked meekly.
Adam suddenly rose from the bed. He moved slowly to stand in front of the mirror, his hands resting on the back of the chair that went with the vanity table. Kris noticed his hands begin to shake. Adam’s head dropped down from its usual proud posture to instead hang between his shoulders, his long hair obscuring his face. He made some kind of weak, inarticulate noise of grief.
Before Kris could do anything, Adam was whispering with strength and hatred and fury, “I hate him. More than anything…I hate him.” Then Adam was hefting the chair high into the air and throwing it across the vanity table. It smashed into the glass, breaking the mirror further. A reflection was indistinguishable from it now.
Kris sprang to his feet, throwing himself at Adam and wrapping his arms tightly around him in attempt to calm him. Adam’s arms came around him in return, but he was shaking. But only a few seconds later, the shaking gave way to a complete loss of Adam’s strength, and then he was leaning on Kris, clinging to him.
“IhatehimIhatehimIhatehimIhatehimsomuch,” Adam was whimpering, wavering on the edge of tears. “My whole life…he ruined everything.”
“Not everything, Adam, not everything. He could never touch this, never touch us. No one can. I promise you that.”
After that, Adam seemed to become withdrawn. Not only from Kris, but from the whole world. He spent a lot of time outside, just sitting in the sand and watching the sky.
The next day, Kris took the liberty of cleaning up their bedroom. He carried out the mirror, which was broken beyond repair from the times Adam had thrown things at it. Kris swept up all of the broken bits of makeup jars and tubs from the floor, and he placed all the cracked containers into a box to throw out. There were still some cosmetics left in tact on the vanity table. Kris was sorely tempted to toss all of them into the box as well, but knew he couldn’t.
When Adam came into the bedroom that night and saw how Kris had tidied up everything, he just turned to Kris with a bit of a smile and thanked him.
“Sorry I didn’t clean up my mess on my own,” he added.
Kris had shaken his head and responded, “Don’t be. I’m good at cleaning.” Then they’d gotten into bed together and fallen asleep with their limbs tangled.
The next day, Kris kept himself busy cleaning the house while Adam disappeared outside. Kris knew Adam needed some space after the talk they’d had the other day, but he was doing his best not to think of it as Adam avoiding him.
It was near nightfall and Kris was working in the kitchen dusting, cleaning the table and countertop, when Adam returned. Kris looked up and saw that he was carrying wood into the sitting room to build a fire in the fireplace to ward off the chill of nighttime. By the time Kris finished everything in the kitchen, the fire was going and the house was slowly filling with warmth. Kris looked into the room and saw Adam sitting on the floor before the fireplace. Kris came in to sit next to him.
They sat in silence for a while until Kris finally conceded, “I wish you’d talk to me.”
Adam sighed - not in the way like he wished Kris hadn’t said anything, but more like he knew Kris had a right to say it. After a few long moments of silence, Adam tipped sideways, laying his head in Kris’ lap.
“It’s just…everything is wrong,” Adam said softly with a sigh.
He closed his eyes when Kris’ fingers sunk into his hair. Kris slowly drew his fingers through Adam’s dark hair, and thought about how often it seemed he’d been doing that lately. But it brought comfort to Adam. Kris could feel the larger man’s body slowly relaxing, his eyes slipping closed and a tiny, contented sigh escaping him as Kris stroked his hair back.
“Everything?” Kris repeated, his voice with that weak edge that implied a question.
“Not only did he turn my whole life up side down…making me rely on the things I should hate and want to leave as far behind me as possible…but now he’s tainted this too.”
“What do you mean, Adam?”
Adam was silent for a few seconds. Kris could see his blue eyes were open again, gazing into the fire.
“Almost every day of my whole life I spent philandering. Most of it, as pitiful as it is, by my own doing, my own will. I hated every day of it but...it went on. Now…here I am, starting my life with the person I love more than anything…and I can’t even make love with him-..”
“Stop it, Adam. That doesn’t matter anymore.”
“Of course it matters!” Adam exclaimed suddenly, sitting up in a jerky motion from Kris’ lap. “Don’t try to lie to me and say it doesn’t. I know it hurts you, that I always said no. And you have no idea how much I wish I could…” his voice trailed off, like he didn’t know how to say it. His eyes traveled back and forth a few times over Kris’ body. Kris didn’t know what to do.
“Why are you acting like this?” Kris finally asks, barely loud enough to be heard.
“Like what?”
“This….like you want me. I thought you never thought about me that way. You were so upset when you found out I did.”
Adam turned away from Kris slightly, facing the fire again and drawing his knees up to his chest.
“I don’t know. All of a sudden, I don’t know anything about myself anymore. What you said the other day, it made sense. Too much sense. I feel like the earth that’s been solid for a long time under me suddenly shifted and gave out.” His head fell down into the cradle of his arms then, and Kris hated it when he did that.
“Stop.”
Kris reached out for Adam’s hands, pulling them away from his head and back down to his sides. Kris pulled Adam’s hands between them and kept a gentle hold of them. Kris waited until Adam finally looked at him to speak. “You can’t look back into the past for who you are. You can’t let anyone else dictate that for you. Not your father, not any of those customers, not even me. If you feel like you see things clearer now,…take this opportunity. The smoke’s cleared. You have this chance to find the sky on your own. You have to make yourself your own person, the person you want to be. No more hiding. You can find yourself, and be nothing but that.”
Adam just stared at Kris for a long time. Kris’ gaze fell down towards their linked hands. He couldn’t look into Adam’s face any more; the other man was looking at him so intensely.
Then Adam was suddenly lunging at Kris, cupping his face between his hands and kissing him in a full, passionate, mouth-claiming kiss. Kris gasped before his hands found Adam’s shoulders and his mouth scrambled to meet the beautiful, perfect power of Adam’s. It went on for a few incredible seconds before they parted, both breathing quickly. A second later, Adam pulled Kris in against his chest, folding him in as closely and tightly as he possibly could and burying his face against the side of Kris’ head.
“There is one thing I’m absolutely sure of and I always will be,” Adam whispered fiercely, his lips right against Kris’ ear, “And that’s that I love you so much I will never be able to find the words.”
Kris melted into Adam’s tight embrace before pulling back just enough so he could look up and see Adam’s face. Kris was smiling, and Adam swore his face absolutely glowed. Adam cupped Kris’ face reverently, stroking his fingertips as gently as he could across Kris’ face. “I will never deserve you and all the unbelievable things you’ve done for me. I’ll never deserve your incredible devotion.” Kris placed the softest of kisses on Adam’s lips to silence him.
“You’re so beautiful,” Kris was saying, “The most beautiful person I have ever known.” And Adam knew he wasn’t wearing even a dab of makeup. He also knew Kris meant so much more than what he was saying. When Kris looked at him…Adam could feel his heart speed up and stutter, because Kris was looking so deeply into him. Adam cupped Kris’ face again, because when Kris called him beautiful, it was like the word had never been used by anyone other than him. From his lips, the word took on a new meaning.
“I love you so much,” Kris murmured and Adam kissed with so much feeling and necessity, he wouldn’t have been able to stop if his life depended on it. Kris’ arms were twining up around Adam’s neck and Adam was holding Kris as close as he possibly could while they kissed and kissed and Adam had never felt anything like what was consuming him in that moment…
They kissed until their lips were too tired to continue. When they went to bed, Adam wouldn’t let Kris out of the circle of his arms. They slept, clothed, with Adam holding Kris tight against him - Kris’ back to his front, and Adam peppered kisses along the back of the other man’s neck until they both fell under.
Since they moved into the house, Kris had been making almost all of their needed trips to the markets. Kris had tired of the errand, so Adam went the next day instead. During the ride on horseback, his mind spun. So much had happened recently between him and Kris and he had so much to think about.
Adam worked his way through the stalls and vendors, picking up the cooking ingredients Kris had listed, some other things they needed around the house and a few other trinkets they didn’t necessarily need. Before leaving, Adam worked his way over to the clothing vendors. He moved over to one stall where fine clothing made of silk was being sold.
There was one large man already there looking through the wares, so Adam went over to the other side of the stall. While he fingered the fabric and looked through the different shades of colors, he glanced up at the man standing on the other side. Adam recognized him instantly and when he did, his body instinctually froze for a second before coming back under his control. Adam ducked his head, hoping and praying that the man wouldn’t look over and recognize him.
But not even a minute later, there came, “Adam? Adam Lambert! Who the hell ever thought I’d see you all the way out here!”
Adam winced almost imperceptibly before responding in a strained voice, “Good day, Mosegi. Yes, it’s quite a surprise. But I’m afraid I don’t have much time to hang around…” Adam turned away from the stall, ready to attempt a getaway, but Mosegi was already coming around the stall and Adam knew it wouldn’t be that easy.
Mosegi had been a regular customer, and one of Adam’s least favorites. He was rough and violent. He’d given Michael a good fight the few times Michael had had to kick him out.
“No need to hurry off,” the man said, coming up and placing a big hand on Adam’s shoulder. Adam was about the same height as him, but Mosegi was about twice as large the other way. Mosegi leered as he added, “What? Got customers lined up? If not, I wouldn’t mind taking a last-minute appointment.”
Adam looked away from him with a scowl and gave a rough shrug of his shoulder to push off the other man’s hand.
“Sorry. I’m out of business.”
“How’s that? You may not be as young as you used to be but you’re still plenty pretty.” A sarcastic, mocking tone tinged the man’s words, and Adam was repulsed. When Adam looked at his face, he could see that expression that he’d encountered on far too many men’s faces - that desiring, predatory look like Adam was some kind of choice cut meat. And the man went on, “And besides,…it’s really only the ass that people care about.”
“Allow me to rephrase,” Adam snapped hotly. “I’m retired. I got sick of degrading myself for filth like you. You’re not half the man I deserve.”
Adam turned on his heel and went to walk away.
He heard Mosegi’s outraged voice come from behind him, “And just what do whores deserve?! They take what they can get and be grateful.”
Adam had to turn and spit back angrily, “Oh, don’t misunderstand, Mosegi. I’m plenty grateful. Thanks to fools like you, I’ll be living with riches and comfort until the day I die. While you’ll be struggling to find someone to spend time with who you won’t have to pay.”
With that, Adam stalked off, thoroughly enjoying the shock and rage and humiliation playing across Mosegi’s face.
During the ride back home, Adam couldn’t seem to banish Mosegi and the things he’d said from his mind. But thinking of that thankfully led back to thoughts of Kris. Adam remembered the way Mosegi spit out the word ‘pretty’ at him with contempt, and then Adam’s mind was reversing to how Kris had called him ‘beautiful’ the previous night, with all that pure honesty and love and cherishment so clear in his eyes. The two men had said similar things, but the meanings couldn’t have been more different. Then Adam was thinking about the way Mosegi and all those men used to treat him, and the tender, gentle embraces and kisses Kris gave him. Suddenly, Adam couldn’t be happier that he’d given up that old life. He didn’t need whatever comfort or feeling of safety he used to get from it. He had Kris now. He had their life together, and even if they fought or argued like they had been lately, Adam knew without question that Kris would go on loving him regardless. Years ago, Adam would never have believed that he could come to have such a deep and implicit trust in another person. But then again, years ago, Adam would never have even believed someone like Kris really existed in the world.
Kris had never lied to him, never tried to coerce anything from Adam for Kris’ own benefit alone. When they had been at odds over their lack of a physical relationship, Kris had been so sure that theirs would be different from Adam’s previous experiences. What if…Kris was right? Adam knew Kris would be gentle, tender. He would never do anything to hurt Adam. After all Kris had done and sacrificed for him, Adam knew Kris would only want good things for him. And when Adam really thought about it instead of giving into his initial reaction of shrinking back from thoughts about sex, he could remember the few times he’d felt pleasure. With Brad and a few customers few and far between, and of course, with the Pharaoh. Adam had never dreaded or waited impatiently for the end to his and the Pharaoh’s relations. Adam could remember faintly wishing it would go on longer. The sex with him had been good because the Pharaoh was young and fit and filled with sexual prowess. And it had been good, Adam had to admit. Incredible, even. Adam’s brief affair with the Pharaoh had definitely demonstrated to him the enjoyable, pleasurable side to sex.
Kris was charming and beautiful. He was the single most alluring person Adam had ever met. Adam had felt an attraction to him since meeting him, but the feeling had only intensified, deepened, and evolved into something more meaningful and heartfelt as he grew to know Kris better and to fall in love with him. If he and Kris were to attempt a physical joining, maybe it could be just as gratifying as with the Pharaoh, albeit for a far different reason…because their relations would have something new woven into them, something Adam had never experienced before in sex.
Love.
Adam was uncharacteristically quiet when he got home. Kris took his bags from him and gave him a brief kiss, but didn’t bother him with questions about his silence. Kris took the bags into the kitchen to put the groceries away. Adam walked through the kitchen and straight into the bedroom. When he didn’t emerge for a while, Kris went into the bedroom after him.
Adam was sitting in his usual spot, in front of what used to be the vanity table. Now, the mirror was gone, the table ruined with deep scratches, and almost all of the makeup broken and cleared away.
“Adam?” Kris asked softly from the doorway. Adam turned with a small smile for him. “Sorry…I got rid of the mirror. You couldn’t really see anything in it anymore,” Kris said.
“No, it’s alright. I think I like this better, actually. Not being able to see myself.”
That puzzled Kris. As long as Kris had known him, Adam had spent hours almost every day sitting in front of a mirror, doing this or that to his appearance.
“Hm?” Kris hummed, and Adam’s smile twisted a little when he caught onto Kris’ confusion at what he had said.
“I don’t find myself attractive, Kris. I never have.”
“That’s silly, of course you’re…” Kris went to say, but Adam continued before Kris got the chance.
“I hate my body. In fact, when I look into a mirror…I don’t even really see anything below my neck.”
Now Kris was really lost.
“What do you mean?” Kris asked, brow furrowed.
Adam sighed, standing up from the chair slowly.
“I would powder my face, try to make it look as nice as possible. My face…it’s all I feel I can really call my own anymore. The rest of my body…it’s been used and owned and dirtied so many times by so many people. …Sometimes I wish I could discard it.”
Kris was still standing in the doorway, and when Adam looked at him, he saw the pain in Kris’ eyes, welling up from hearing Adam talk about himself like that.
Kris opened his mouth, but Adam beat him to it, “I know you would say you think I’m beautiful even knowing my past. But…you haven’t quite seen all of me yet, or the extend of what that past has done to me.”
Adam turned around so his back was towards Kris and he loosened the ties of his robes just enough so he could slide them down from his shoulders. He tugged them down just until his bare back was exposed to Kris. The second the fabric fell and revealed Adam’s skin, Kris gave a choked, horrified gasp. His hands flew to cover his mouth in his shock.
The scars. The endless, uncountable, horrid scars cut across Adam’s back in every possible direction, twisting and cutting in through each other in a dark red tangle that stretched the width of his whole back.
“H-how did you…what are they from?” Kris gasped, the sight of them making it hard for him to speak or think or do much of anything. His mind was just stuck on some monster has done this to him…
“It happened in the palace,” Adam explained, voice calm and impassive. “Lady Merrick was toying with me. I didn’t let her. I fought back, and she had the slavekeeper do this.”
The wounds from the whip had healed long ago, but the lashes had cut so deeply into his skin that the scar tissue had formed around the shape of them. He knew they were a brand now, a permanent part of him.
He wondered what Kris was thinking at the sight of them.
At first, Kris could think of nothing but the unbelievable pain that must have come with all those marks. Kris didn’t know how anyone could have survived it. Kris wanted to give in to tears, when he imagined the whip snapping down and striking Adam again and again and again…
But looking at the messy scars now, he saw them as a tribute to the fact that Adam was still alive. That somehow, he’d had the strength to pull through when his life had taken the worst possible turns.
Kris finally managed to speak, voice cracking a little, “You thought these would change my opinion of you?”
“Not necessarily,” Adam replied as he drew his robes back up onto his shoulders and turned around to face Kris again. “I just wanted you to see them.”
Kris didn’t say anything at first. He just walked forward and folded himself into Adam’s arms. Adam took him in, wrapping him up and holding him close.
“It just…hurts,” Kris murmured, his voice muffled where his mouth was pressed against Adam’s shoulder. “…knowing you went through all that suffering…all that pain and there was nothing I could do about it. There’s nothing I can do now to erase those things.”
“Hey,” Adam said gently, pulling Kris back the slightest bit so he could look into his eyes. “Being with you right now?” Adam traced a finger along the side of Kris’ face, “It heals everything.”
Kris pushed up to kiss him, and Adam drew Kris in close again as he returned the kiss with equal passion. When they separated, Adam lifted a hand to Kris’ face again, stroking his skin lightly.
There was something now, some kind of connection that had bubbled up between them. They both felt it; A physical draw that stemmed straight from the heart.
Adam swallowed past the feeling and spoke softly, “I don’t think either of us really understood. I didn’t understand why you wanted to try and you didn’t understand why I didn’t. But I think I might be starting to feel the same things you have. Or rather…I have the whole time but I couldn’t recognize it.”
Kris had tried to explain his physical feelings to Adam so many times in the past, but this moment was different. They weren’t angry at each other. Ever since that night Kris had rode off and left Adam alone in the house, things had changed. After the horrible taste of being split from each other, they’d been more receptive and willing to listen to one another and now was the best, warmest moment yet.
“It’s not like I wanted you right from the day I met you. I fell in love with you first. I loved who you are, everything about you, and it made me want to be close to you like that. I wanted the chance to tell you what you mean to me in more than just words…”
Adam silenced him gently, laying his thumb across Kris’ lips. “I was wrong for faulting you that,” Adam admitted. “It was just such a shock for me to hear it. It was probably a bit unrealistic of me to think that you would never have any feelings like that, because it’s true that everyone does. Even me. You were right, I have enjoyed sex before. It’s just so easy for me to forget that in the middle of all the bad memories. But I…I’ve been trying to think differently and I think I understand what you were saying. I think I feel the same. Just…let me try to tell you what makes me have reservations.” Kris nodded, his expression open and honest. He reached up to take Adam’s hand and hold it between his own, against his chest. “Kris, you’re just so…pure and innocent. I mean, you’re a virgin, I was your first kiss and everything. I just…I look at you and I see this bright, perfect person in you and I would never want to do anything to sully that. I don’t know if it seems right for someone with a history like mine, someone as…dirty as me, to take that from you.”
“But you wouldn’t be taking anything from me. You’d be giving me something, something incredible…that no one else has before. And it could never be anyone other than you, Adam. If you won’t lay with me, then I guess I’ll die a virgin.” They both chuckled briefly. Kris reached up to touch Adam’s face, and his serious tone returned, “And please don’t ever call yourself dirty again. If you’ve been able to see through my eyes about the feelings I have for you, then try to do the same for this. You’re beautiful. You’re wonderful, perfect, kind, loving…you have a light in my eyes, too. Nothing in your past has changed that. Not these that you used to wear…” Kris gripped his fingers in the cloth of Adam’s robes, “Not these…” Kris’ hand slid back to rest lightly over where Adam’s scars were. “Nothing. You’re radiant and you always will be.”
By this point, Adam’s breathing was uneven. It came in shuddering gasps and Kris thought he might be close to crying. Kris reached up to slide his arms around Adam’s neck and tug him down to hug him. Adam’s arms came around him in return, tentatively at first but then gripping Kris tightly. Adam straightened up again suddenly, looking down intensely into Kris’ face as his hands pushed Kris’ hair back away from his face, stroking it back repeatedly. His eyes were wet, but Kris thought he looked too happy to cry.
“I’ll try with you, Kris,” Adam whispered passionately, “The way you see me, the way you talk about me…it’s what I’ve wanted my whole life. And I want you and I’d do anything for you.”
“But it’s not just for me, right? You want to, too?” Kris asked, eyes wide and hopeful.
Adam nodded, murmuring, “Yes. I promise, yes,” and his hands already reaching up to frame Kris’ face as he leaned in to kiss him deeply. It felt like the kiss held something more, some kind of surge of intensity that rolled through each of them. Once their mouths separated, Adam kept his hands cupped around Kris’ face, and Kris’ hands were still clutching the front of Adam’s robes. They just looked into each other’s eyes for a few heavy, pregnant seconds. Both almost unable to believe that this was really about to happen.
“Me first,” Kris whispered as he reached for the bottom of his own shirt, his voice tinged with both excitement and shyness. His cheeks reddened the slightest bit, and Adam lightly kissed the blush.
Kris drew his shirt over his head and off. He had only the smallest little marks marring his skin where the punishments he’d received from his time as a servant hadn’t healed like new. But Adam didn’t notice them. Kris’ body was slight, but his chest and arms rippled with the hint of muscles and he was so absolutely stunning that Adam could not look anywhere but at him, and feel utter disbelief that this incredible man really loved him.
Kris was pushing down the waistband of his pants and rambling shyly, “We don’t have to go all the way…not right away. We can just try some things and see...” He was cut off abruptly by the frantic press of Adam’s mouth. Kris’ eyes immediately fell shut and he struggled kicking his pants off the rest of the way as he reached for Adam and kissed him back hungrily. Adam’s mouth started moving down Kris’ jaw, sucking and leaving a trail of wet kisses on Kris’ skin. He traveled downwards until he reached the side of Kris’ neck, where it met his shoulder. He attached his mouth to the juncture of soft skin and Kris moaned as Adam sucked and teased with his teeth.
Adam hands reached down to find the ties of his own robes. Kris was naked by now, so he knew he should get to work on his own garments despite how self-conscious he felt about showing all of himself to Kris. He’d never thought twice when it came to customers, but this was Kris. Adam cared what he thought. And Kris and his body were so incredibly perfect and gorgeous and Adam felt his own was so flawed…
Without letting himself think anymore on the matter, Adam’s robes dropped to the floor. Kris immediately pulled their bodies together, his arms around Adam’s neck. Kris kissed him again, and every worry and thought flew from Adam’s mind. His arms curled around Kris and drew him in more tightly against him. Kris felt their midsections push together and Kris gave a surprised breath against Adam’s mouth.
“W-wait,” Kris gasped, his hands falling to Adam’s shoulders, “I won’t be able to last long since it’s all so new to me. I want to tend to you first.”
Adam was about to ask Kris what he meant when Kris kept him quiet with a soft kiss. Kris’ hands slid around Adam until they found the web of scars on his back. Adam shuddered slightly at the touch, and Kris drew back a little. His eyes searched Adam’s face until Adam looked back at him and their eyes met.
“Would you…lie on the bed? On your front?” Kris asked in nothing more than a whisper. After a few seconds, Adam nodded. He placed the softest of kisses on Kris’ lips before turning to do as Kris had asked.
Kris watched him move, sliding onto the bed and then stretching out on his front, and Kris couldn’t believe this stunningly beautiful man was his. Adam tossed his head, throwing his long hair back away from his eyes so he could watch Kris.
Kris went over and crawled onto the bed slowly. He was determined to do this right. His intention was, before anything else, to show Adam through physical intimacy how perfect and whole he was and how much Kris cared for him.
Kris traced his fingers as lightly as he could across the mess of scars. They ran deep and the raised, scarred flesh was a stark, bright color that stood out from his skin. Kris traced the overlapping, crisscrossing lines of them until he reached the one that extended upwards the farthest, towards Adam’s neck. He traced back and forth across that single scar a few times while Adam laid still beneath Kris’ hand. Adam’s fingers were twisted in the pillow. When Kris lifted his hand away, he leaned over and placed a careful, gentle kiss at the top edge of the scar. A warm shiver ran through the whole length of Adam’s body. Kris laid a few brief, feather-light kisses down the length of the single scar.
He began feeling his way across the scars with his fingers, as if tracing lines on a map. His lips followed where his fingertips touched. He tried to imagine that the soft press of his lips could take away the pain Adam had endured, and Kris made sure to kiss gently across every single one.
Adam laid still, his breathing quickening. The recurring press of Kris’ lips felt impossibly tender and intimate, and as Kris slowly worked his way across the scars, Adam began to tremble the slightest bit. He’d never felt anything like this before. By the time Kris was reaching the bottom scars, his hands were soothingly sliding up and down Adam’s sides.
There was one scar left. It laid in a jagged line right across where the swell of Adam’s buttocks began. Kris leaned in one last time and brushed a kiss to either end of the scar. One of his hands stroked Adam’s hip as he sat up again.
“Adam?” Kris questioned softly.
Adam turned his head, and Kris could see his eyes were closed. “Hm?” he hummed in response, his voice sounding strained after Kris’ ministrations.
“Turn over?”
Adam nodded mutely as he rolled onto his back. Kris did his best not to blush when this side of Adam’s body was put on display. But of course, Kris couldn’t help his eyes from straying down to Adam’s manhood. His was much bigger than Kris’. Kris knew Adam could see where he was looking, and Kris could see Adam’s partially-erect cock growing more so under his gaze. Kris pulled his gaze back towards Adam’s face, knowing there were other things to do first.
Adam whispered the other man’s name then, and reached for Kris’ hand to pull him closer for a kiss. Kris came up, lying across Adam’s chest to kiss him slowly, deeply.
“I love you so much,” Adam murmured reverently, stroking Kris’ hair back from his face gently. Adam had been totally relaxed and all semblance of his personal walls removed after the tender kisses Kris had left across his scars. Kris wordlessly returned the sentiment by lifting Adam’s hand in his own to kiss it. Then after kissing Adam’s lips again, he did the same that Adam had done to him a few minutes before, sliding his lips slowly down Adam’s neck. Adam dipped his head to the other side with a soft sigh, his hands reaching for Kris.
Kris moved above him, settling down straddling Adam’s waist. He gripped Adam’s arms and pushed them up so they were over his head. Adam went willingly, his body pliant and relaxed beneath Kris. Kris smiled and pressed a kiss to his chin.
Pulling back to sit up, his legs on either side of Adam’s waist, Kris moved his hands down along Adam’s body. Then his hands worked their way slowly back up to Adam’s nipples, his fingers brushing over them once and eliciting a soft sound from Adam. Adam’s sound of pleasure fluttered through Kris, and Kris, despite his lack of experience, was focused exactly on what he wanted to do - make Adam feel as good and cherished as he possible could.
Kris leaned down again, fitting his body down across Adam’s as Kris pressed a tender kiss to the other man’s collarbone. Kris began a soft trail of kisses moving downwards. Heat blossomed under Adam’s skin wherever Kris’ mouth touched.
Needing something to ground himself, Adam lowered his arms and his hands curled around the backs of Kris’ thighs. Without really thinking about it, his hands started moving back and forth across Kris’ skin, trying to reach as much as possible.
Kris’ mouth reached Adam’s nipples and he sucked the right one into his mouth. As Kris swirled his tongue and nipped lightly with his teeth, Adam arched up a little with a small moan. He was just as sensitive as anyone would be, thanks to the rarity in the past of people doing anything of this sort to him. Kris brushed his fingers across Adam’s other nipple before switching his mouth over. After lapping over the bud for a while, Kris started kissing his way farther down Adam’s chest. He shifted down Adam’s body a little bit so he could reach his hips and press a few kisses across them. He looked up to Adam’s face and smiled to himself when he saw Adam’s eyes closed and lips parted as labored, pleasured breaths passed between them.
Kris crawled his way back up Adam’s body so he could reach Adam’s mouth. He kissed Adam slowly and deeply. His tongue searched out Adam’s until both of theirs met with hot friction. The kiss tinted with the shades of their soft moans. Adam’s hands slid up Kris’ thighs, gathering Kris in closer. His hands finally moved all the way up to the globes of Kris’ ass and Kris let out another moan when he felt Adam’s hands gripping him there.
When they separated, their gazes locked for only a moment before they dove into another kiss. Even though his heart raced with apprehension at the thought, Kris knew exactly what to do next.
With one last peck to Adam’s lips, Kris quickly moved back down Adam’s body. He settled down between Adam’s legs, his member at eye level. As soon as Adam realized what was on Kris’ mind, he was sitting up and saying, “No, Kris, you don’t have to…”
“Shhh,” Kris hushed him, his hands landing on Adam’s hips and holding him still. “Please, I want to.” He kissed Adam’s hip and rubbed over his skin with his hands until Adam was settling back down in the bed. Kris’ voice took on a bit more shyness now, “I’ll probably be really bad though, seeing as I’ve never done any of this stuff before.”
“You could never do anything badly.”
Kris just laughed a little at Adam’s words and shook his head. His attention refocused on Adam’s cock and suddenly Kris was serious again. He would try his best.
He held the base of the shaft in his hands before taking a few experimental licks at the tip. Once he felt adjusted to the taste, he took just a little bit in between his lips and sucked softly. He heard Adam give a soft but sharp groan from above him. He looked up at Adam’s face, saw his head tipped back in the pillows and his eyes closed, and absolute determination shot through Kris.
He pulled off for a moment to take a deep breath before sliding his mouth down as far as he could. Sucking didn’t work as well when there was so much in his mouth, so Kris started sliding his lips up Adam’s length and then back down to the limit that he could reach. Hearing Adam’s almost continual moans drove him on to move faster. A few seconds later, he felt Adam’s hands in his hair, gripping the strands but not pulling.
Kris’ movements were a bit clumsy, but Adam was lost in nothing but pleasure. Just knowing it was Kris he was sharing this with - Kris, who loved him - made the sensations incredible and his heart spin wildly in his chest.
Kris wanted to continue what he was doing as it was obvious Adam liked it, but Kris’ jaw was growing sore too quickly. He pulled his mouth off and instead he began pumping Adam’s length with his hands. He took just the head back in his mouth, sucking and swirling his tongue against it. Adam almost cried out, his hips bucking a little bit despite how he was clearly trying to control them. Kris felt Adam’s hands cupping the back of his head and Kris slid his mouth down a little lower. He did his best to make his fists come up high enough to reach his mouth, so all of Adam’s length was being stimulated. Kris had no idea whether he was doing this the ‘right way’, he was just doing what felt right and drew the best responses from his lover.
After a few more minutes, Adam gave his hair a tug. Kris could hear him panting by now.
“K-Kris,” Adam gasped, pulling Kris’ hair a little, “I…I’m almost there. You should pull off…” Kris slid his mouth off just to shake his head before resuming. He was determined to do this all the way. Adam began to protest again, but then his words cut off with a loud moan when Kris’ tongue found a sensitive section on the underside of his cock. Adam gasped out his lover’s name before Kris felt the first trickle of warm wetness against his tongue. Then it came more quickly, and he made himself swallow before it could flood his mouth. It only took about three swallows before Adam was falling limp on the bed and Kris was cleaning the last bit of cum from Adam’s cock with his tongue. It tasted unusual, but Kris thought it was alright.
He kissed Adam’s hip before crawling up to curl against Adam’s side. Adam was still catching his breath as he turned his head towards Kris. Kris looked up into Adam’s face and the blinding smile he saw there made his heart leap.
“Kris…” Adam turned over so he could gather Kris in his arms and kiss his forehead. Adam looked down towards Kris’ cock, seeing it was half-hard.
“Let me do the same for you,” Adam offered, but Kris was already shaking his head. The ache from his groin would fade. He shifted his hips away from Adam slightly and laid his head down against Adam’s chest and closed his eyes.
“I just wanted our first experience to be for you. And I don’t want to risk moving too quickly…”
“Are you sure?”
“Completely.” Kris tipped his head upwards so he could give Adam a gentle kiss on the lips. When Kris settled down against Adam’s chest again, the older man’s arms encircled him more tightly and Kris sighed in content.
After a stretch of silence, Kris nervously asked the question that had been on his mind, “So…um, how was it?” He quickly hid his face against Adam’s chest a little. Adam laughed a little and stroked one hand through Kris’ hair.
“You were absolutely wonderful, Kris. The best.”
“You’re just saying that,” Kris mumbled with a blush, his voice muffled by Adam’s chest.
“No, I am most certainly not. I could feel that you were trying so much, so hard. You…just wanted to make me feel as good as you could. And that was incredible.”
“I…I did. That’s what I was thinking.”
“It worked, Kris.”
When Kris lifted his head up a bit from having his face pressed into Adam’s chest, Adam’s arms pulled him in so Kris’ head was cradled against Adam’s shoulder and he had the smaller man wrapped securely in his arms. Kris smiled as he closed his eyes, wrapped up in his warm, loving cocoon. He slid his arms around Adam’s waist. The press of so much skin-on-skin sent a joyful thrill through both of them. It was an entirely new sensation. Even to Adam, who’d never had a real lover before who he could just hold when they were naked in bed together.
Kris’ eyes were closed and he was just reaching the first taste of sleep when he heard Adam’s soft voice saying, “Thank you.” Kris’ eyes blinked open, trying to remember the context of Adam’s words. “Thank you…for talking me into trying. For not giving up and walking away from me when I kept saying no.” Kris suddenly remembered the situation.
Kris tilted his head up to see Adam’s face. He was looking up towards the ceiling, his eyes not exactly focused. Kris straightened his neck up to kiss Adam on the cheek.
When Adam was looking back at him, Kris reached up to touch Adam’s face and he told him gently yet with heartfelt promise, “I would never walk away from you.”
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