English Girl, Slytherin Girl, Perpetual Isolation
I went to classes yesterday with no care in the world of my appearance. What does it matter? I care nothing for whatever anyone here would think of me. However, the girls in my year were aghast at my looks. They took it upon themselves to give me a makeover - and I let them.
You long for touch after a while, when every desired warmth has been denied you - the embrace of your parents, the kiss of a lover. I felt their hands on my arms and their fingers through my hair. They painted my lips and colored my cheeks and brushed shadow over my eyes. When they were finished, one of the girls said to me, "you are actually quite pretty when you try." A double-edged sentence, but I said nothing but a quiet thank you.
Over at Hogwarts, everyone has become consumed of talk of the Latern Festival. Perhaps if I were there now, it would also be the only thing on my mind. I remember as a child, my father use to take long business trips to Hong Kong. When he returned, he would bring me and my mother back a single mooncake, cutting it up into quarters. He always let me choose first and I would greedily take the biggest piece I could find (but also, the one with the smallest portion of eggyoke as I have never been fond of that.) We'd sit around the dining room table in silence, drinking our tea and letting the smooth sweetness of red bean paste slide over our tongues. It was one of the few times I felt we truly were like a family.
I almost wish I could go to Hogwarts for the festival. I would have liked to see it. I would like to see everyone again - even those I loathed - after all, at least they were English.
I wear my country of origin like a brand here. It makes me stand out whether or not I have made an attempt to advertise it or not. They call me the "English girl" and tell me my accent is atrocious. Madame Maxime has forced me to take on a tutor who drills me in french after classes for two hours, and she forces me to write everything in French.
But this is mine and she cannot force me to write this in their language. It is my haven which shall no longer make my head spin with conjugations and vocabulary lists. I am free to talk in my own tongue.
Last night, to relax, I soaked for a long time in a bath, a book in hand and a cup of Earl Grey in the other. I could not concentrate on the pages, however (the book was in French.) My thoughts wandered.
I wonder if it is clear to everyone that my expulsion from Hogwarts only was on the grounds that the Malfoys wanted me out, that my actions - though deserving of punishment - were not handled with complete fairness. My school record has held no prior agrievances, not even late night wanderings that mar the records of people like Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. Yet, upon my first offense of insulting someone on a journal I have been taken out of my school and forced out of the country. The Malfoys may call it justice - and I have no doubts it is for them - but from my perspective I feel it is not. I do not feel this punishment fits the crime, and while my family may be respected, well-off, and pureblooded, we do not have the resources to go head to head with the Malfoys. The school must have felt similarly to merely let the Malfoys have their way. Yet still I expected someone to notice the unfair treatment of this case. Perhaps it is because I am Slytherin that those in Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw have turned a blind eye to the fact that if the Malfoys had not been involved this would have not been the administered punishment. They only protect their own, and when their own are not injustly treated they do not care to stand up for those who are not. Truly, I had thought Gryffindors were naive enough to protect everyone, but clearly not.
But despite it all, I admit I admire the Malfoys for holding such sway over the school as I had never considered Headmaster Dumbledore to be so influenced by money nor to let the school to be so controlled by money. (As Lucius Malfoy has not been a school governor since second year and holds no influence in that regard.) To anyone who has said that aspirations for money and positions of power are not what's important in life, I ask them to look at my case and tell me that again. Because clearly it is what counts, even to people who profess otherwise like those at this school.
Still, most of the girls in Slytherin have desired little more than the right hand position as wife to some rich and powerful man. I used to be one of them, but I find more and more that what I want is to stand up on my own and be able to protect myself. This is what has become truly important. I shall always admire Narcissa Malfoy for securing herself such a comfortable position in life, but I no longer want to be exactly like her. I want to make my own name known and not solely meaningful in its connection to my husband. After all, who can recall Narcissa's maiden name and knows her as something other than a Malfoy?
However, I have spent a lot of time thinking of what Lucius Malfoy has told me. That I should have not run away and simply have dealt with the situation at hand when a meeting was called. Perhaps he is right. I am afraid the instinctive need to protect myself hindered my better judgment for a while. I wish I could have been one of those who resolve their problems. However, those of us who suffer from cowardice deal with our tough situations in two ways: we run or we hide. Is this not the case? We either avoid the situation by removing ourselves from it OR we remove the situation from our sight - yet, neither of these methods truly deal with the problem. I am like the scared deer who flees from the predator and the others are like the ostrich who merely sticks it's head in the ground so it no longer has to see the problem. Like a child who pulls a sheet over its head when frightened by the monster beneath its bed.
What a silly situation it makes all of us seem.
On the other hand, Draco Malfoy accuses me of stalking him (which of course I am! After all, I have been commenting in his journal and have written about him in my own. Such behavior is SO bizarre.) I wonder if the same definition he has used on me could not be applied to himself in regards to someone whom he talks a lot about and whose journal he comments in continually. Then again, by his definition of things, Hogwarts certainly has an overpopulation of stalkers in their midst.
You long for touch after a while, when every desired warmth has been denied you - the embrace of your parents, the kiss of a lover. I felt their hands on my arms and their fingers through my hair. They painted my lips and colored my cheeks and brushed shadow over my eyes. When they were finished, one of the girls said to me, "you are actually quite pretty when you try." A double-edged sentence, but I said nothing but a quiet thank you.
Over at Hogwarts, everyone has become consumed of talk of the Latern Festival. Perhaps if I were there now, it would also be the only thing on my mind. I remember as a child, my father use to take long business trips to Hong Kong. When he returned, he would bring me and my mother back a single mooncake, cutting it up into quarters. He always let me choose first and I would greedily take the biggest piece I could find (but also, the one with the smallest portion of eggyoke as I have never been fond of that.) We'd sit around the dining room table in silence, drinking our tea and letting the smooth sweetness of red bean paste slide over our tongues. It was one of the few times I felt we truly were like a family.
I almost wish I could go to Hogwarts for the festival. I would have liked to see it. I would like to see everyone again - even those I loathed - after all, at least they were English.
I wear my country of origin like a brand here. It makes me stand out whether or not I have made an attempt to advertise it or not. They call me the "English girl" and tell me my accent is atrocious. Madame Maxime has forced me to take on a tutor who drills me in french after classes for two hours, and she forces me to write everything in French.
But this is mine and she cannot force me to write this in their language. It is my haven which shall no longer make my head spin with conjugations and vocabulary lists. I am free to talk in my own tongue.
Last night, to relax, I soaked for a long time in a bath, a book in hand and a cup of Earl Grey in the other. I could not concentrate on the pages, however (the book was in French.) My thoughts wandered.
I wonder if it is clear to everyone that my expulsion from Hogwarts only was on the grounds that the Malfoys wanted me out, that my actions - though deserving of punishment - were not handled with complete fairness. My school record has held no prior agrievances, not even late night wanderings that mar the records of people like Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. Yet, upon my first offense of insulting someone on a journal I have been taken out of my school and forced out of the country. The Malfoys may call it justice - and I have no doubts it is for them - but from my perspective I feel it is not. I do not feel this punishment fits the crime, and while my family may be respected, well-off, and pureblooded, we do not have the resources to go head to head with the Malfoys. The school must have felt similarly to merely let the Malfoys have their way. Yet still I expected someone to notice the unfair treatment of this case. Perhaps it is because I am Slytherin that those in Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw have turned a blind eye to the fact that if the Malfoys had not been involved this would have not been the administered punishment. They only protect their own, and when their own are not injustly treated they do not care to stand up for those who are not. Truly, I had thought Gryffindors were naive enough to protect everyone, but clearly not.
But despite it all, I admit I admire the Malfoys for holding such sway over the school as I had never considered Headmaster Dumbledore to be so influenced by money nor to let the school to be so controlled by money. (As Lucius Malfoy has not been a school governor since second year and holds no influence in that regard.) To anyone who has said that aspirations for money and positions of power are not what's important in life, I ask them to look at my case and tell me that again. Because clearly it is what counts, even to people who profess otherwise like those at this school.
Still, most of the girls in Slytherin have desired little more than the right hand position as wife to some rich and powerful man. I used to be one of them, but I find more and more that what I want is to stand up on my own and be able to protect myself. This is what has become truly important. I shall always admire Narcissa Malfoy for securing herself such a comfortable position in life, but I no longer want to be exactly like her. I want to make my own name known and not solely meaningful in its connection to my husband. After all, who can recall Narcissa's maiden name and knows her as something other than a Malfoy?
However, I have spent a lot of time thinking of what Lucius Malfoy has told me. That I should have not run away and simply have dealt with the situation at hand when a meeting was called. Perhaps he is right. I am afraid the instinctive need to protect myself hindered my better judgment for a while. I wish I could have been one of those who resolve their problems. However, those of us who suffer from cowardice deal with our tough situations in two ways: we run or we hide. Is this not the case? We either avoid the situation by removing ourselves from it OR we remove the situation from our sight - yet, neither of these methods truly deal with the problem. I am like the scared deer who flees from the predator and the others are like the ostrich who merely sticks it's head in the ground so it no longer has to see the problem. Like a child who pulls a sheet over its head when frightened by the monster beneath its bed.
What a silly situation it makes all of us seem.
On the other hand, Draco Malfoy accuses me of stalking him (which of course I am! After all, I have been commenting in his journal and have written about him in my own. Such behavior is SO bizarre.) I wonder if the same definition he has used on me could not be applied to himself in regards to someone whom he talks a lot about and whose journal he comments in continually. Then again, by his definition of things, Hogwarts certainly has an overpopulation of stalkers in their midst.