(Untitled)

[lacruciverbiste]

Unstarted

There it goes, my
Last shred of dignity
Falling from me
Like a sequined
Leaf from a naked oak.

There it is, my
Body sacrificed on silver
Heels to shadows
Barking over the bass
And the synthesizers.

Here I am, my
Dreams unraveling, my
Heart breaking, my
Life still
Unstarted.

Comments

[leyse]

Hi, I'm your secondary editor this week.

I have to say that I disagree with your primary editor. I thought the imagery was very apparent (verging on obtuse). I knew exactly what was going on from the silver heels line, and I love the way you incorporated the elements of being a stripper into naturalistic terms (the sequined leave of the costume, the barks of the men watching you, even the idea of silver shoes compared to silver platters).

One thing you might consider to make the poem a little more obscure is to ad an element of allegory to it, there are lots of instances of female sexuality turning into something monstrous in classical and biblical literature, a throw back to one of those images might make this seem a little more timeless (which seems to be your goal with the naturalistic metaphors)

[lacruciverbiste]

thanks for your time and suggestions!