Brigits Flame, Week 2 (edited)

[lacruciverbiste]

Easily Parted

I remember
the night of Jack and Coke
when boundaries bled
into shaky limbs
and desperate shadow kisses

I still taste
your whiskey tongue on mine
I can still feel
the curve of your hips
in the palms of my hands

Alone now:
eyes closed, remembering
fingers shaking
thighs easily parted
thinking of you.

Comments

[pipisafoat]

Hey there, I'm here to give you an edit! I'm not the best poetry editor there is, but I'll do what I can; feel free to ask/challenge me

[lacruciverbiste]

hey, this is my week 2. did we already get the edits assigned for week 2?

[lacruciverbiste]

okay, looks like they were. very quick of you! thanks for the feedback.

[rephen]

Very evocative. I like it. The images are strong and the rhythm was like a sharp tapping staccato.

A fleeting remembrance, hot and urgent, and a searing longing as an ending. I LIKE IT.

[lacruciverbiste]

thank you so much! :) i'm glad you liked it.

[mister_troper]

Hi, I'm one of your editors!

"boundaries bled/into shaky limbs" - Great image with a great follow-up.

"I still taste...I can still feel" - If you take it to partial parallelism, you might as well make it fully parallel.

"fingers shaking/thighs easily parted" - Punctuation as opposed to a line break might work better there, as the two lines blend a bit too much together when they represent two different thought lines. Actually, that could apply to the next line break as well.

"thinking of you." - The poem ends a bit abruptly, leaving the reader wanting more, which, come to think of it, might be the point. But the last line is still a bit too sweet verging on wholesome as compared the rest of the poem. It's all drunken, dirty fun (not just desperate kisses but "shadow" kisses), only to end on a romantic bromide. (Punctuation could change it somewhat.) I think you can push it further.

[lacruciverbiste]

Thank you so much! I agree with everything you said. This was my first attempt at poetry on here. Thanks for your time.