Brigits Flame, Week 1: "Clothes and all"

[lacruciverbiste]

“Wake me when we reach the coast,” she says, popping the passenger seat back and curling up on it. She gives me a sleepy smile and it’s all I can do not to reach over and kiss her

Comments

[fawatson]

I do like the way you get that uncertainty of feeling. I think writing in the first person helped this.

[lacruciverbiste]

thanks for reading!

[keppiehed]

Beautifully done. A gorgeous snapshot, and the prompt seemed naturally worked in. A treat to read, thanks so much for sharing.

[lacruciverbiste]

wow! thank you very much! i'm glad you enjoyed it. i liked yours, too :) best of luck in the polls!

~Kate

[aniron_iorhael]

Utterly beautiful. So much with so little! I adore it. The intimacy of those simple gestures are the most significant, to me. I like your style. Very well done.

[incommune]

Oh god. This is so beautiful and unnerving, personal, tender, vulnerable. The ache is so real. I believe it and feel it so much. Just, wow.

AHEM. I'll be one of your editors this week from BF >.>...

So, bubbling praise aside, let me reiterate how strong a piece this is. You hold the tension all the way to the end, the narrator's excitement and uncertainty about the situation going forward. We know that they will enjoy the getaway even without romance, but... we can feel the looming disappointment of unfulfilled desires just as much. Right up until the last line. Brilliant!

Maybe this was intentional or maybe it wasn't, but I realy like that you didn't include the narrator's gender, and allowed us to fill that in for the voice. I liked imagining the narrator to be a woman, and then re-imgagining the story as narrated by a man.

the storm they carry in their ever-expanding bellies. - This line is fabulous.

Some of her curls have become loosed from her bun and fallen across her face. - I would put this more directly; "

[lacruciverbiste]

WOW. Publication? You just made my night. Thank you so, so much for your critique and praise. I totally agree with your edits, too.

Thank you again!
~Kate

[lacruciverbiste]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your feedback. Good luck in the polls!

~Kate

[lacruciverbiste]

Thanks so much! I appreciate the time you took to read my story and your feedback.

~Kate

[desert_rose]

You captured the special moments between these two characters so emotively and beautifully! I dream of having an experience like this! :-)

Good luck!

[lacruciverbiste]

Thanks so much for reading :)