Tell me where we go from here 29/?
Chapter 29
Okay, camping like this wasn't that bad, Dean had to admit. Not to Sam though, he would never admit that to Sam. Dean made sure to complain a bit more, just for good measure.
The night cramped up in the tent was not exactly fun but Dean was used to his brother sleeping close by and Cas was just a welcomed addition to that. The only bad thing was that Sam had insisted on the single sleeping bags. And that one rock that was poking him all night. But other than that, the night out in the woods wasn't too bad.
When they didn't reach their destination the second day, Dean's mood dropped.
"You sure you're leading us the right way?" He grabbed the map from his brother's hands. On paper it hadn't looked that far and the waitress hadn't mentioned it would be a difficult hike either and she should know, right? She lived around here.
The people living here were probably smart enough to not go in the woods and if they did they for sure knew their way around and didn't run into walls every frigging hour.
"We are heading in the right direction." Sam snatched the map back. "It's not my fault that there are mountains in the way."
Sam had a point there, they hadn't known where there would be cliffs or impassable walls of solid rock in their way so they had to find ways around those and that cost time. They couldn't keep going through the night, not that Dean wanted to do that, so they didn't have another option than to set up camp for the second night in a row.
"On the way back we're taking the shortest way back to civilization." Dean announced and dropped his backpack. As far as he was concerned that spot was good enough for them to sleep. "Steal a car and drive back to Baby."
He really hoped she would still be there and in one piece when he came back to her. He never liked leaving her alone and exposed like that but they didn't have another option.
"Sounds like a plan." Sam agreed easily. Dean eyed his brother to find out if he was yanking his chain or if he was just as fed up as he was.
Cas had watched their conversation from the side, he knew better than to get caught in the crossfire between the brothers. Not that they were fighting, Dean just let his brother know that he wasn't happy with their current circumstances.
Together with Cas he set up the tent while Sam went to get them some fire wood.
The fire was nice but they had another can of soup with more crackers and all of a sudden this whole trip became even less appealing. Dean stirred in his bowl and sighed. They should reach the coordinates tomorrow, maybe even before noon but that was probably only Sam sugarcoating things for him. However, with any luck they would find Cas' grace tomorrow and then they were on their way out of here.
He glanced over to Cas who ate his soup with effective movements. He didn't look like he was enjoying his meal. He looked more like a soldier who knew he would need the energy the meal provided.
Later Sam broke out the marshmallows again and with that Dean's mood improved a little. He had no idea how he could have missed out on the awesome thing called s'mores so he stuffed himself with as many as he could. Next to him Cas seemed determined to finish a bag of marshmallows on his own, he had developed quite a taste for them.
The conversation stayed light-hearted, nobody mentioned any bad memories and they didn't speak about the reason they were out here either. Not that there was much to say. Dean guessed it would be similar to what they'd witnessed with Anna's grace. Maybe some hiccups in the flora around the place and then a blinding light when Cas would take back what was his. If there was something guarding it or traps or something, they would deal with it when they ran into it. Nothing really to talk about.
When Cas had finished his bag of marshmallows, there was still enough of an angel in him to not puke it all back up after half of the bag, they turned in.
This night there was no rock bothering him but Dean still couldn't sleep. His body was warm and relaxed after two days of almost constant walking and his mind floated in a comfortable place just this side of awake but he couldn't make that last step over to sleep.
He lay in the middle with Sam to his right and Cas on his left with their feet to the entrance so that they could get out without waking the others. It felt good having the two most important people in his life so close to him.
Sam was snoring softly and Dean heard Cas breathing close by as well. They didn't share a sleeping bag but that didn't stop Cas' need for cuddles. Last morning Dean had woken up with Cas lying half on top of him and since Cas had fallen asleep about an hour ago he'd inched closer quite a bit. By now he was pressed against Dean with two layers of sleeping bag between them and his head had somehow found its way to Dean's shoulder.
Just when Dean thought he could finally drift off to sleep his bladder came up with another plan. Dean lay still with his eyes closed for a few minutes longer in the ridiculous hope that he could fall asleep before that need became too urgent. He knew he was fighting a losing battle here but he really didn't want to get up. The days were still quite nice but the nights were already chilly, especially in the mountains.
"Dammit." He muttered under his breath and opened the zipper of his sleeping bag. At least he was sleeping almost fully clothed so he didn't have to fumble around in the dark for something to put on except for his boots and his jacket.
He slipped out from under Cas who smacked his lips but didn't wake up. As silently as possible Dean opened the zipper around the entrance and stuck his head out.
The night was quiet, as quiet as a night in the woods could be, however, his spidey senses didn't tingle so he crouched through the entrance and stood up. He stretched his back and rolled his shoulders, sleeping on the ground really wasn't that much fun, and by now he felt the last two days in his bones. He'd gone soft, he realized and chuckled to that. Now his mind did go back to his time in Purgatory, the nights had been equally dark but there the noises in the darkness hadn't come from little critters like mice in the underwood.
Dean took a few steps into the forest, far enough from their camp site that nobody would step into an unpleasant surprise by accident, and took care of business at a tree.
Feeling better he returned to the camp site but didn't feel like crawling back into the sticky tent just yet. At least he had put in his veto when Sam had packed the beans in their cart at Wal-Mart. Beans may be classic food for camping but knowing that Sam would share a tent with them Dean had put his foot down. Leave the beans or get your own tent.
Smiling to himself he sat down at the remains of their fire. There were still pieces smoldering under the ash and it took Dean only a little bit of encouraging to bring the flames back to life.
He held his hands over the small fire to warm them but if he was honest, the cold was coming more from the inside than the outside. Alone in the woods at night, that did trigger a few unpleasant memories. With Purgatory only being the most recent one.
He clearly remembered his first night like this. He couldn't tell how old he had been, way too young, that was for sure, when his dad had dumped him somewhere in the middle of nowhere with only a compass and the bare minimum of supplies and with the instruction to get to the meeting point in two days.
When it had been Sammy's turn for that special piece of education he'd somehow managed to talk John out of it for two more years. He'd no idea how he'd managed that but there was no way he would have let little Sammy stay alone in the woods like that.
"Can't sleep?" Cas' voice came suddenly from behind him. Dean didn't answer, the answer was quite obvious anyway. Cas sat down next to him and for a while they just stared into the flames.
"Tomorrow is the big day." Dean said without taking his eyes off the fire. He wasn't sure why he'd said it, maybe just to fill the silence, but now he was curious how Cas would react.
The angel shifted and stretched out one leg, making himself more comfortable, before he answered.
"Don't get your hopes up too far."
That wasn't the answer Dean had expected. Now he did turn his head to look at Cas.
"What do you mean?"
"We don't know how much is left." Cas answered after a long pause.
"It is strong enough to cause some weird side effects." Dean reminded him. "And Metatron said it is enough."
Dean returned his gaze to the flames, staring right into the red heat at the bottom. It reminded him of Hell. And he got quite some nice ideas of what he would like to do to Metatron. Those thoughts were fueled by the Mark, he felt it, but for once he indulged in them. That douchebag had betrayed Cas and that had only been the beginning. Metatron should consider himself lucky that Cas had been the one in charge when he had been captured. Dean wouldn't have shown any mercy.
A hand landed on his arm and when he looked up, he met Cas' eyes.
"Don't." He said. With only the flickering flames to illuminate them his eyes looked as black as Dean's had been not long ago but at the same time Dean felt like he looked into the depth of eternity.
"Okay." He wasn't sure if he fully grasped what Cas was asking from him but he was willing to agree to anything Cas wanted from him. Why the angel had chosen him was still a mystery to him but Dean was willing to do everything to make him stay.
"Why me, Cas?" In the quiet of the night Dean dared to ask the question. "You're a dude, you've been with women before. You don't even like guys, so why are you with me?"
"My vessel." Cas started but paused there. "My body is male, that is correct, but I am not. Angels don't have a gender."
Dean thought about that. Raphael came to mind. He hadn't been bothered by the gender of his vessel.
"But you do prefer women." Dean pointed out.
"No." Cas shook his head but didn't seem to be annoyed by these personal questions. "I don't see people the way you do, Dean. Their physical appearance is not what I first notice about a person."
Dean had never really thought about that but it did make sense. He almost didn't dare to ask his next question.
"What do you notice about a person, then?"
"Their soul." Cas gave the answer Dean had dreaded.
"You must be disgusted by mine." For some reason there was still Cas' hand on his arm and he didn't draw it back now. Quite the opposite, Cas shifted and his hand slit down Dean's arm until he could entwine their fingers.
"Dean, the first time I laid eyes on you was in Hell." Cas reminded him. "Your soul was tainted, it still is, but beneath that it is pure."
"The things I did ..." Memories crushed back in and he was choking on tears now. "How can you say I'm pure?"
"Dean, you've seen Hell." Cas spoke softly to him. "After forty years, how many souls are still human enough to come back?"
He didn't have an answer to that.
"Your soul is bright and beautiful." Cas said and embraced him in his arms.
Chapter 30
Masterpost