Tell me where we go from here 35/?
Chapter 35
Over the day while Sam was with them in the car Dean could pretend that everything was fine. But during those two nights before they dropped Cas off it was obvious that something was wrong.
The first night they slept spooning again and neither of them tried to initiate something more and that was good. Dean could tell that Cas was content with that even if he didn't sleep.
The second night, though, Cas tried rather awkwardly to get into Dean's pants. Dean could clearly tell that Cas wasn't aroused in the slightest and suspected that he only did this to please Dean so he cut that one down as quickly as possible.
"You don't have to do this just to please me." Dean said, not even sure what exactly Cas had in mind but the lube on the nightstand was telling.
"You enjoy sex." Cas answered with a puzzled expression and once again tried to caress the curve of Dean's butt.
"I do." Gently he took the hand off his hip and held it in his. "But only with a partner who enjoys it as well." He sighed. "Don't get me wrong here, I'd love to, I really do, but not if you only do this to please me. That's not how it works."
Cas just stared at him for a moment before he rolled away from Dean and sat up.
"Cas?" Dean asked but didn't hold him back when the angel got up and reached for his clothes.
"I need to think." Cas said with his back to Dean, his tone flat.
"Are you ..." Dean couldn't bring the words out. His voice broke and he nodded in defeat. Of course Cas would leave.
"I'm going to for a walk." Now he turned towards the bed but his face stayed unreadable. "You can sleep, Dean. I'll be back."
Dean doubted that he would be able to sleep. Not when Cas left him like this but his promise to come back eased a few of his worries.
"You should have said that with more of an accent." Dean joked weakly, desperately trying to not show how much this hurt. He had dared to try this thing with Cas but he should have known better. Cas may would come back this time but there would be a next time and Dean was sure that one day he wouldn't come back. Everybody left him eventually and he'd been a fool to think otherwise.
He watched the door closing behind Cas and he had to blink against his burning eyes. He stayed in bed but was still awake when hours later the door opened again. Pretending to be fast asleep, as if he could fool Cas, Dean didn't dare to let out the relieved sigh when Cas slipped into bed behind him.
"I told you I'd be back." Cas whispered and brushed a kiss on the soft spot behind his ear. Dean shuddered to that and finally relaxed but that didn't answer the question why Cas had felt the need to go for a walk in the middle of the night in the first place.
They didn't talk about it in the morning and for sure not in the car with Sam sitting right next to them but when they reached the playground and Cas was ready to leave, Dean couldn't hold back the question. He needed to hear that Cas would come back.
Cas promised to be back as soon as he could and that was all Dean was asking for.
The rest of the day Dean spent in the car with Sam, feeling the empty space behind him like something physical.
When they stopped for the night Dean was grateful for the evening with take out food and watching movies. It was fun. Just him and his brother. Like in the old days.
Tonight there was an easiness between them that hadn't been there for way too long. There had always been something they hid from the other, something that stood between them, but tonight they were brothers again. They laughed about the same stupid stunts on the TV and argued about which actress was hotter, an argument Dean totally won, and just had silly fun until it was time to turn in. Sam didn't mention Cas and Dean really didn't want to bring him up, not today, and all in all it was a great evening.
He even fell asleep quite easily without lying awake for hours, wondering what was up with Cas and if he would come back or not.
They slept in, granting themselves the luxury of a few lazy days, and then spent another day on the road until they reached the bunker in the late afternoon. Dean put his duffel bag in his room but he wasn't sure where he should put Cas'. Technically speaking Cas had his own room but he hadn't really used it lately.
On the other hand, Dean wasn't so sure anymore where they stood in their relationship. He let out a bitter laugh Dean Winchester and relationship those two never went well together. Why he'd expected this to turn out differently he had no idea. Maybe he was just stupid.
He put Cas' bag in the angel's room.
For a moment he stood there, taking in the room. It still felt like Cas' even if most of the things around Dean had bought and put in here. There was next to nothing Cas had put here himself and there was absolutely nothing personal in here.
Not that Cas had much personal stuff, Dean mused. He and Sam never had much to begin with but Dean had enough to make his room his. Pictures and the weapons he'd put on the wall. Hell, he had his chronologically organized porn and his records. But Cas had nothing.
On some level Dean had hoped they would make Dean's room theirs with pictures of both of them and stuff like that. Not that he was much for decoration but he wanted the bunker to be Cas' home as well. But now the angel was back at his real home.
Dean closed the door and went for the kitchen to prepare dinner. At least that would keep his mind busy.
He had known that they would be on the road for at least a few days so he'd made sure to not leave any perishable things in the fridge so for tonight he had to improvise.
For tomorrow he'd planned a trip into town for some much needed groceries. He'd never admit it to Sam but he was longing for something fresh.
That night Dean stayed up late. Sam had gone to bed hours ago but Dean didn't want to go to sleep. One night in a motel room with his brother in the other bed had been okay but for some reason the thought of sleeping alone in this bed, the one he'd shared with Cas before, clutched his stomach. In the end he did gave in and got ready for bed but he just stared into the darkness for long hours before he finally drifted off to sleep. His sleep was uneasy and not restful at all and of course Sam had to comment on that when they met over coffee in the kitchen in the morning.
"Dude, did you sleep at all?" Sam asked as soon as he laid eyes on him. Apparently holding his face under cold water for what had felt like hours had done nothing for the bags under his eyes. Awesome.
Dean grumbled into his coffee and at least Sam dropped it at that. Instead he poured him another mug and with that he was Dean's favorite person today.
With the excuse that he wanted to work on the car Dean left shortly after breakfast. He didn't like the glances Sam threw at him and for sure he didn't want to wait around until Sam had worked up the courage to ask the questions on his mind.
Dean didn't want to talk about it because there was nothing to talk about. This was something between him and Cas and it probably was nothing at all and he was worried for no good reason.
After Dean had turned back human he had given the Impala all the attention and maintenance she deserved so there wasn't really anything to do here so Dean just cleaned her out again, sorted the weapons in the trunk and polished her until she was shining. At least with his car he knew what to expect. She would never leave him.
Dean needed fresh air and he had wanted to drive into town for groceries anyway so half an hour later he was on the road. He took his time in the store, just enjoying the ordinary task like a normal person, and no, he wasn't stalling. But he had noticed the look on Sam's face when he'd been in shortly to grab the shopping list and to tell Sam that he would be gone for a while. Sam had that look in his eyes. The we need to talk look and Dean had never liked that one. Especially with this. This was about Dean's private life, yes surprise he had one, and for sure nothing he wanted to talk about with Sam.
Dean stood in the vegetable aisle and tried to figure out if he wanted apple or rhubarb pie for dessert later. He let out a huff and put the apples in his cart, the classic ones were always the good ones.
What was up with Cas? That was the big question. Or not up, because that seemed to be the real problem here. It would be ridiculous if this was something physical but somehow he doubted that angel's could suffer from impotence. Which only left the explanation that for some reason being with Dean didn't arouse him. Which meant what? Cas didn't have performance problems with the women he'd been with. Maybe he didn't like dudes after all?
Browsing through the aisles Dean threw things into his cart without really noticing what. His mind was on other things.
In the end he bought way more than he'd intended to but he didn't care. And he was grateful that Sam had buried himself in some books and didn't even look up when he came home otherwise Dean would have to explain what he wanted with all those tissues.
With the groceries packed away Dean started dinner and they actually had apple pie for dessert. Life was good. If it hadn't been for that look on Sam's face. At least he waited until they'd cleaned up after dinner and by then Dean dared to hope that he could put him off for another day.
But then Sam asked if Dean wanted to watch a movie and the only alternative was to turn in early which was the last thing Dean wanted to do. So he agreed to the movie and a few beers. It was fun but after the first movie and his third beer Dean knew that this was the moment Sam had been working up to. With a sigh Dean finished his bottle and set it aside, waiting for his brother to speak.
"Dean." Sam started and he even tried to sound casually as if he was only about to ask which movie they wanted to watch next. But of course that wasn't what he wanted to ask and they both knew it.
"Just drop it, Sam." Dean tried to cut him off before this could get awkward. "Let's just pop in another movie, okay?"
"Dean." Sam said his name in that tone. "I know something is on your mind."
"That's none of your business." Dean snapped at him harsher than he'd intended and he wasn't sure if this was the Mark speaking or just him being pissed.
"After all we've been through." Now Sam sighed. "We should have learned by now that's never good to shut the other one out. It never works out." He paused as if he was waiting for Dean to start talking. Which he didn't. "I'm your brother, Dean, you can talk to me. Is it the Mark?"
Chapter 36
Masterpost