Fic Commentary 1: "The Smell of Smoke," DCU
So, gottaluvit123 asked for commentary on The Smell of Smoke, which you can read without commentary by following the link.
Summary: It took six fire departments and the Teen Titans to contain that fire, and now Roy can’t get rid of the smell of smoke.
I hate writing summaries and generally feel that my summaries are absolutely horrible, but I’m very pleased with this one, which mainly came about by happy accident.
"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered." -Tom Stoppard
I think this quote is perfect for this fic. I wrote the story, and then decided that I had no idea what to call it, and I knew it needed a strong title. Often when this happens, I go looking for quotes or song lyrics, which is what I did here-and since smoke is such a theme in this fic, I searched for quotations about smoke. I love this one; it’s got the imagery I want, and the title came directly from it. It’s one of the few stories of mine where I think the title really fits the way I want it to.
***
It wasn’t anything like a normal mission-not that any missions were normal, but this one didn’t even have any kind of super villain or alien invasion or metas or even mob bosses or pickpockets, for cryin’ out loud-it wasn’t even a mission.
This sentence was the first thing to pop into my head, before I had any idea what I was actually writing, and I kind of love it. I love that an alien invasion is normal, and that Roy would have preferred pickpockets to a fire. Also, it set the tone of the fic and the internal monologue voice I wound up using--glib and stream-of-conscious.
The whole idea for this story came from reading up on Roy’s backstory and finding out about his father dying in a forest fire. Now, I assume Roy knows this-at least that basic fact. If he was never told, he would still have sought the information out. My father died of a heart attack when I was seven and my brother was three, so I do have some insight here; I’ll confess that the entire fic stemmed from me thinking about how I react when I see heart attacks in movies and books or when we discuss them in first aid courses, and then thinking about how Roy is a hero and must, at some point, have faced a fire. I also wrote this not long after a close friend died in a snowmobile accident, and there was very little information about how she died, so some of the frustration at not knowing what happened went into this, as well. So that’s the really long version of where this fic came from.
Roy’s feeling very frustrated and conflicted and I think this sentence shows that and sets the scene pretty nicely.
No one called them, no one asked for their help. It was just Dick watching the news-and what self-respecting teenage boy watches the news on a Saturday night, anyway?-and Donna, Wally and Garth having powers that actually made them useful in that kind of situation. It wasn’t like arrows-even his best trick arrows-have anything on a fire that consumes three city blocks and half the park and takes six fire departments and the Teen Titans to contain.
I like the small dig at Dick, because a part of Roy is blaming Dick for getting them involved in the first place, and-watching the news on a Saturday is something Dick would do, but it’s not normal teenage behavior. ;) Also, this was me establishing Roy’s insecurities about his role in the Titans. That, and I like the trick arrows, but… they wouldn’t be very much help, and Roy would totally be feeling that.
Not that he did much to help with the containing, he reminds himself as he shampoos his hair for the third time. No, he and Robin rescued survivors-pulled people from burning buildings, and dragged kids from behind couches and saved a fucking kitten from a balcony-and maybe that was just as important as putting the fire out, but they couldn’t get everyone. Superman could have helped, but he was off with the Justice League or maybe in space or Greenland saving the whales and anyway, this fire wasn’t the biggest crisis in the world at the moment.
I thought it was important to note that Roy did help, in important ways, and that he and Robin are in the same boat as far as not having powers goes. But Roy’s not seeing that right now, and when I wrote this I could hear the biting sarcasm he’s feeling.
Also, Superman in Greenland saving the whales was an amusing image.
Roy finishes his shower and returns to his room, where it smells like smoke. The smell is so thick he can almost see it, and it chokes him. He grabs his costume and manages to avoid his teammates while he bags it and tosses it in the bottom of a trashcan as far from his room as he can get. He’ll have to tell Ollie it got burnt or something and he doesn’t care. No amount of washing will get the soot and smoke out of that thing now, and he’d rather spend his allowance on a new uniform than wear it again.
He takes another shower.
Roy’s head is playing games with him.
After washing his hair five times, Roy returns to his room, his skin tinged pink from the rubbing and the hot water. His room still smells like smoke and he can’t get the images out of his head. He opens the window as wide as he can, strips his bed and changes the sheets. Sneaking into Donna’s room is tricky, but he manages and soon his room smells more like lavender and vanilla than charred wood.
In my head, Roy and Donna are either just beginning to date, or they’re about to, so stealing air freshener from her is not just a way to get rid of the smoke smell, but also to surround himself with a smell he associates with Donna specifically. Even if Roy doesn’t realize that consciously.
Lavender and vanilla? Is what my laundry detergent smells like and I folded laundry before writing this fic.
It smells entirely too girly, even if it is an improvement, so Roy leaves the window open-even though it’s February and cold-while he takes a third shower. He lets the hot water pour over his head and uses the last of his shampoo and stays there even when the hot water runs out, and his skin is raw from the washcloth. Roy focuses on the water pouring down the drain and decidedly does not think about the people he and Robin didn’t save. It wasn’t like he’d never seen a body before. It wasn’t like he’d thought they could save everyone.
I really like this passage because of the imagery. When I first envisioned this story, I knew it would involve Roy obsessively showering to rid himself of the smoke, and I’m happy with how this turned out. Also to be noted is that he is so not thinking of anything but the people he and Robin didn’t save. He thinks they should have been able to save everyone.
He just can’t get rid of that smell.
When he starts shivering and his teeth start clacking, Roy turns the water off and gets out of the shower. He pauses in the hall, listening. He can hear voices in the kitchen-Dick and Wally-but he’s not hungry. He doesn’t want to see the others, but he’s too keyed up to go to bed yet-besides, it’s not even midnight. They left before noon and they should be tired, but he’s not. Roy has no idea where Donna and Garth are, but they’ll all probably be pretty pissed at him for using all the hot water.
I have no idea where they are, and originally this contained a scathing remark about how Garth should be able to heat water so that they never run out of it, but then I read up on Garth’s powers and had to cut it. Ah well.
Roy retreats to his room and locks the door. He throws himself face-down on his bed and breathes in whatever flowery air freshener he stole from Donna. It’s not long before he has to roll over and take deep breaths of the frigid air pouring in the open window. Even under layers of Donna’s smelly stuff he can make out that choking, acrid scent of burning wood and other things he’s not thinking about.
Maybe he needs another shower. Roy’s hair isn’t long enough for him to sniff at, but he knows from experience that it’s hard to get certain smells out of hair. Maybe one of the others will lend him their shampoo-except that would involve asking them for it, and he’d rather try and find a Seven-Eleven or something and buy a new bottle, but he’s not sure he has the cash with him if he wants to get home before school Monday morning.
And here is the first sign that things at home are not so good. It is also me being anal about small details and insignificant hand-wavy things that DC ignores, like how Roy can live in *California* but be on the *East Coast* on the weekends with the Titans. I try not to think too hard on it (it might give me an aneurysm), but the money he has I am assuming is for a cab or something to get him to his actual HOUSE, not for a plane ticket.
Before he can seriously contemplate getting up and stealing Dick or Wally’s shampoo, there’s a knock on the door. He curses under his breath.
"Roy?" Dick. Damn it. "Roy, we’ve got pizza."
"I’m not hungry," he calls out, hoping that Dick doesn’t notice the way his voice shakes a little. His stomach growls and makes him a liar, but Dick couldn’t possibly hear it from the hall-probably.
Roy’s not sure if Dick’s pause has to do with shock over Roy not being hungry or if he’s just thinking of all the ways he can break down Roy’s door. "I promise Wally didn’t make it. C’mon, Roy."
It’s a little of both, actually. I always knew Dick would come to talk with Roy. Dick knows something is bothering Roy, just not what. Offering food is his way of trying.
Roy can think of a million reasons why he shouldn’t go have pizza with his best friends right now, but the reason he should is why he ultimately gets up-Dick probably does know at least twenty ways to get into Roy’s room, and he’d rather not find out the hard way.
As much as Roy wants to just wallow and be left alone, he also really doesn’t want those things. He’s kind of hoping the others can distract him, and rationalizes eating dinner by assuming Dick will break down his door.
Dick wouldn’t, of course. He’d just override the security system.
It’s pizza with his friends, and it shouldn’t be as excruciating as it feels. But the pizza tastes dry and burns the roof of his mouth. It was a frozen pizza, and maybe it would have been better if Wally had cooked it-he’s too impatient to let it burn and it’s just this side of well-done. The crust scrapes Roy’s raw throat and the kitchen smells like bitter garlic and charred bread and no one opened a window. He thinks about doing it himself, but it would draw attention to him and right now he’s focusing on finishing his slice and getting out of there as quickly as possible.
Bitter garlic is all zoe_chan’s. I was completely blanking; just another reason she rocks. And Roy is rapidly realizing that he is not in the mood to be around anyone, especially his friends.
It’s baffling. Dick’s cracking jokes and Wally’s zipping around after napkins and red pepper and Donna’s laughing and Garth is talking about something he did with the fire hose and Roy wants to vomit, or yell at them, or something. They’re acting like it’s a normal Saturday night, and it is even while it isn’t.
I love this part, because what Roy is feeling right now? Is the beginnings of a panic attack, and he’s trying so hard not to face what is really bothering him that everything is bothering him.
Roy’s not in the mood, and when he finishes his pizza he goes to put away his plate. Dick grabs his arm to yank him back into his seat. Roy doesn’t even know what he says; something inside just snaps and everything stops. Wally’s pizza is halfway to his mouth-it has to be a record, how long Wally doesn’t move-and Garth puts his down and Donna does that little sharp inhale thing she does when he’s being extremely stupid and Dick. Dick lets go of his arm.
So, I love these sentences. Because Roy lost his temper and he judges his actions by how his friends react. I’m very fond of Wally’s non-movement and how that is the first thing Roy notices and the first clue that he crossed some invisible line. But it’s Dick’s reaction that really clues Roy in.
Roy can’t look at any of them, and he feels his face burning, but he drops his plate in the sink and leaves the kitchen, the silence and their eyes following him.
When he gets to his room, he’s surprised that he manages not to slam his door or to sink to the floor against it the way his knees threaten to give out. He’s got a lump in his throat and his eyes burn and he can smell burnt pizza, burnt carpet, burnt curtains, furniture, wood, flesh.
And I think that I had managed not to give any clues that were too specific before this, so this is the first time I let myself allude to the fact that Roy actually encountered some of the people he didn’t manage to save from the fire. And this is where everything is crashing in on Roy.
Roy’s leaning against the window frame before he realizes it, gasping in the night air so it burns in his lungs and he might be hyperventilating a little. He’s screwed up. He doesn’t know what he said, but it was bad and Dick let go and sometimes he’s so fucking stupid. Roy thinks dimly that he could probably get back to Star City tonight if he has to, and Ollie won’t be there but that’s not new and he’s clearly not fit for company anyway.
Oh, Roy. You’re such a bundle of insecurities and self-esteem issues. He is hyperventilating. And another mention of how things are starting to fall apart at home with Ollie, but at the moment Roy thinks he deserves to be alone.
Roy winds up on the floor under the window, arms around his knees. He’s cold, though he doesn’t feel it. He smells smoke, but it’s less powerful here where the air is washing over him. His room is dark, because he never bothered with the light. His chest hurts, like there’s something pressing on it; he can’t breathe, he can’t think and now he’s ruined everything.
When his door opens, he realizes that he didn’t lock it, and he’s momentarily blinded when light spills in from the hall. When he stops blinking, Roy sees Dick leaning against the doorframe, frowning. This is it, he thinks, even if he doesn’t know what it is. He should apologize, but he doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for and anyway, his throat seems swollen shut.
At this point the panic is being suppressed and Roy’s just… numb.
It’s forever, but Dick flips the light switch, and Roy’s blinded for a second time. When he can see again, Dick’s shut the door behind him and is sitting on Roy’s bed, watching him. "Roy," he says. It’s wary and annoyed but worried, too.
Dick let go in the kitchen because Roy pissed him off, and he didn’t come see Roy immediately. It’s been at least half an hour, and Dick’s not stupid. Roy hasn’t been acting like himself all evening, so he knows something is wrong. He’s still pissed off at this point. What he planned when he showed up at Roy’s door was to yell and ask what the hell crawled up Roy’s ass… but then he opened the door and found Roy practically in the fetal position. Which is why now he’s worried, and not sure what to make of things.
Roy drops his head to his knees. He asks it before he thinks. His voice shakes, but if anyone knows the answer to this, it’s Robin-Dick. "Do you think they knew what was happening?"
He can’t look at Dick. Roy can’t look anywhere because he’s asked and now he can’t breathe. He wants to take it back, he wants to un-ask, he wants to know. He’s asked and now he needs… He didn’t know how much he needed to know this. Dick takes forever to answer. "Why-What do you mean, Roy?"
I worried over this a lot, and rewrote it significantly from it’s original state. Dick has no idea what Roy is talking about, and as far as he is concerned, the question is coming from nowhere and he doesn’t know who Roy means. Roy, meanwhile, hasn’t been able to think of anything else.
The premise I’m working with is that while Robin and Speedy were helping people out of burning buildings, they went into an apartment that was already gutted-and encountered a couple who had died in the fire. Dick obviously would have his own reaction to seeing that-but Roy’s reaction is based on a much more personal level. He asks that question with the image of that couple in his head, but he is not thinking of them while he waits for Dick’s answer-and the only person he would ask this question of, at this point, is Dick. At this point, Roy is thinking of his father. The sentence about not knowing how much he needed to know the answer was an attempt to show the shift in his thinking-from strangers to his father-and I’m not sure how well it worked.
He can’t ask again. He can’t. There’s something choking him and his eyes are burning. It’s a hell of a time for his voice to break like he’s thirteen again. "That last apartment. That… that family, Dick. Did they even have a chance? Did they know… did it hurt?" He hates how fucking young, how pathetic and shaky and desperate he sounds to himself. He shuts his eyes because he doesn’t want to see Dick look at him like he’s… he doesn’t know what, but he doesn’t want to see it.
And Dick is looking at him with real worry, because he’s managed to process what they saw and Roy obviously hasn’t. And it’s beginning to occur to him that Roy isn’t talking about the bodies they saw. (I assume that Dick knows about Roy’s past, just like Roy would know about Dick’s-they’re best friends, these are things friends know.)
The thing is, he can’t stop seeing that apartment, those unrecognizable bodies, the fucking curtains hanging in smoldering tatters. He can see them, trapped and waiting-for someone to save them, for their death, he doesn’t know. Roy can’t turn his brain off, he can’t stop wondering how long it takes to die when you’re burning alive, and he can’t stop imagining how much it must fucking hurt.
This paragraph was added after-the-fact, because I didn’t think I was being clear enough about where Roy’s head was. I’m still not sure if I’m being clear enough, because Roy is wondering how his father died, not the people he saw. I’m really pleased with this, otherwise.
Roy isn’t even aware that he’s crying in the long, silent moment after he’s spoken, but then Dick’s pulling him into an awkward embrace and he fights it at first. Dick says urgently, "Smoke inhalation, Roy. They were dead before the flames even got to them."
Oh, Dick. It was important to me that Dick move at this point, because Roy is hunched up and having a panic attack. Dick knows, at this point, what is bothering Roy, and he at least assumes that Roy is thinking about his father. I see both Dick and Roy as being very physical people, so hugging Roy is the first thing Dick thinks to do to help. Also, he isn’t certain about the smoke inhalation, but he knows that’s what Roy needs to hear.
He hears the roar of flames, sees the bodies, chokes on smoke. There’s a sound like an animal’s howl, and he can’t breathe, he's choking and blind-Roy grips Dick’s shoulders and tucks his head into his best friend’s neck and it’s uncomfortable but Dick’s got his arms around him. Now that he’s started, he can’t stop.
Dick holds Roy together while he falls apart.
And that last sentence went through about twenty changes, and they were all tiny, one-word changes, but then I reversed the order of the clauses and it clicked and made me happy. The animal howl was Roy giving in and breaking down. He would only fall apart and break down like this in front of Dick at this point, and I think I did a fair job of establishing how strained things between him and Ollie are getting.
So it was meant to be about Roy and his father, but it also became about Roy and Ollie, and Roy and all the Titans, and especially about Roy and Dick. I’m really happy with how this came out, and when I finished it I realized it deserved to be a stand-alone, instead of part of a larger “5 things” fic I intended it for.
That fic may still be written.
Summary: It took six fire departments and the Teen Titans to contain that fire, and now Roy can’t get rid of the smell of smoke.
I hate writing summaries and generally feel that my summaries are absolutely horrible, but I’m very pleased with this one, which mainly came about by happy accident.
"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered." -Tom Stoppard
I think this quote is perfect for this fic. I wrote the story, and then decided that I had no idea what to call it, and I knew it needed a strong title. Often when this happens, I go looking for quotes or song lyrics, which is what I did here-and since smoke is such a theme in this fic, I searched for quotations about smoke. I love this one; it’s got the imagery I want, and the title came directly from it. It’s one of the few stories of mine where I think the title really fits the way I want it to.
***
It wasn’t anything like a normal mission-not that any missions were normal, but this one didn’t even have any kind of super villain or alien invasion or metas or even mob bosses or pickpockets, for cryin’ out loud-it wasn’t even a mission.
This sentence was the first thing to pop into my head, before I had any idea what I was actually writing, and I kind of love it. I love that an alien invasion is normal, and that Roy would have preferred pickpockets to a fire. Also, it set the tone of the fic and the internal monologue voice I wound up using--glib and stream-of-conscious.
The whole idea for this story came from reading up on Roy’s backstory and finding out about his father dying in a forest fire. Now, I assume Roy knows this-at least that basic fact. If he was never told, he would still have sought the information out. My father died of a heart attack when I was seven and my brother was three, so I do have some insight here; I’ll confess that the entire fic stemmed from me thinking about how I react when I see heart attacks in movies and books or when we discuss them in first aid courses, and then thinking about how Roy is a hero and must, at some point, have faced a fire. I also wrote this not long after a close friend died in a snowmobile accident, and there was very little information about how she died, so some of the frustration at not knowing what happened went into this, as well. So that’s the really long version of where this fic came from.
Roy’s feeling very frustrated and conflicted and I think this sentence shows that and sets the scene pretty nicely.
No one called them, no one asked for their help. It was just Dick watching the news-and what self-respecting teenage boy watches the news on a Saturday night, anyway?-and Donna, Wally and Garth having powers that actually made them useful in that kind of situation. It wasn’t like arrows-even his best trick arrows-have anything on a fire that consumes three city blocks and half the park and takes six fire departments and the Teen Titans to contain.
I like the small dig at Dick, because a part of Roy is blaming Dick for getting them involved in the first place, and-watching the news on a Saturday is something Dick would do, but it’s not normal teenage behavior. ;) Also, this was me establishing Roy’s insecurities about his role in the Titans. That, and I like the trick arrows, but… they wouldn’t be very much help, and Roy would totally be feeling that.
Not that he did much to help with the containing, he reminds himself as he shampoos his hair for the third time. No, he and Robin rescued survivors-pulled people from burning buildings, and dragged kids from behind couches and saved a fucking kitten from a balcony-and maybe that was just as important as putting the fire out, but they couldn’t get everyone. Superman could have helped, but he was off with the Justice League or maybe in space or Greenland saving the whales and anyway, this fire wasn’t the biggest crisis in the world at the moment.
I thought it was important to note that Roy did help, in important ways, and that he and Robin are in the same boat as far as not having powers goes. But Roy’s not seeing that right now, and when I wrote this I could hear the biting sarcasm he’s feeling.
Also, Superman in Greenland saving the whales was an amusing image.
Roy finishes his shower and returns to his room, where it smells like smoke. The smell is so thick he can almost see it, and it chokes him. He grabs his costume and manages to avoid his teammates while he bags it and tosses it in the bottom of a trashcan as far from his room as he can get. He’ll have to tell Ollie it got burnt or something and he doesn’t care. No amount of washing will get the soot and smoke out of that thing now, and he’d rather spend his allowance on a new uniform than wear it again.
He takes another shower.
Roy’s head is playing games with him.
After washing his hair five times, Roy returns to his room, his skin tinged pink from the rubbing and the hot water. His room still smells like smoke and he can’t get the images out of his head. He opens the window as wide as he can, strips his bed and changes the sheets. Sneaking into Donna’s room is tricky, but he manages and soon his room smells more like lavender and vanilla than charred wood.
In my head, Roy and Donna are either just beginning to date, or they’re about to, so stealing air freshener from her is not just a way to get rid of the smoke smell, but also to surround himself with a smell he associates with Donna specifically. Even if Roy doesn’t realize that consciously.
Lavender and vanilla? Is what my laundry detergent smells like and I folded laundry before writing this fic.
It smells entirely too girly, even if it is an improvement, so Roy leaves the window open-even though it’s February and cold-while he takes a third shower. He lets the hot water pour over his head and uses the last of his shampoo and stays there even when the hot water runs out, and his skin is raw from the washcloth. Roy focuses on the water pouring down the drain and decidedly does not think about the people he and Robin didn’t save. It wasn’t like he’d never seen a body before. It wasn’t like he’d thought they could save everyone.
I really like this passage because of the imagery. When I first envisioned this story, I knew it would involve Roy obsessively showering to rid himself of the smoke, and I’m happy with how this turned out. Also to be noted is that he is so not thinking of anything but the people he and Robin didn’t save. He thinks they should have been able to save everyone.
He just can’t get rid of that smell.
When he starts shivering and his teeth start clacking, Roy turns the water off and gets out of the shower. He pauses in the hall, listening. He can hear voices in the kitchen-Dick and Wally-but he’s not hungry. He doesn’t want to see the others, but he’s too keyed up to go to bed yet-besides, it’s not even midnight. They left before noon and they should be tired, but he’s not. Roy has no idea where Donna and Garth are, but they’ll all probably be pretty pissed at him for using all the hot water.
I have no idea where they are, and originally this contained a scathing remark about how Garth should be able to heat water so that they never run out of it, but then I read up on Garth’s powers and had to cut it. Ah well.
Roy retreats to his room and locks the door. He throws himself face-down on his bed and breathes in whatever flowery air freshener he stole from Donna. It’s not long before he has to roll over and take deep breaths of the frigid air pouring in the open window. Even under layers of Donna’s smelly stuff he can make out that choking, acrid scent of burning wood and other things he’s not thinking about.
Maybe he needs another shower. Roy’s hair isn’t long enough for him to sniff at, but he knows from experience that it’s hard to get certain smells out of hair. Maybe one of the others will lend him their shampoo-except that would involve asking them for it, and he’d rather try and find a Seven-Eleven or something and buy a new bottle, but he’s not sure he has the cash with him if he wants to get home before school Monday morning.
And here is the first sign that things at home are not so good. It is also me being anal about small details and insignificant hand-wavy things that DC ignores, like how Roy can live in *California* but be on the *East Coast* on the weekends with the Titans. I try not to think too hard on it (it might give me an aneurysm), but the money he has I am assuming is for a cab or something to get him to his actual HOUSE, not for a plane ticket.
Before he can seriously contemplate getting up and stealing Dick or Wally’s shampoo, there’s a knock on the door. He curses under his breath.
"Roy?" Dick. Damn it. "Roy, we’ve got pizza."
"I’m not hungry," he calls out, hoping that Dick doesn’t notice the way his voice shakes a little. His stomach growls and makes him a liar, but Dick couldn’t possibly hear it from the hall-probably.
Roy’s not sure if Dick’s pause has to do with shock over Roy not being hungry or if he’s just thinking of all the ways he can break down Roy’s door. "I promise Wally didn’t make it. C’mon, Roy."
It’s a little of both, actually. I always knew Dick would come to talk with Roy. Dick knows something is bothering Roy, just not what. Offering food is his way of trying.
Roy can think of a million reasons why he shouldn’t go have pizza with his best friends right now, but the reason he should is why he ultimately gets up-Dick probably does know at least twenty ways to get into Roy’s room, and he’d rather not find out the hard way.
As much as Roy wants to just wallow and be left alone, he also really doesn’t want those things. He’s kind of hoping the others can distract him, and rationalizes eating dinner by assuming Dick will break down his door.
Dick wouldn’t, of course. He’d just override the security system.
It’s pizza with his friends, and it shouldn’t be as excruciating as it feels. But the pizza tastes dry and burns the roof of his mouth. It was a frozen pizza, and maybe it would have been better if Wally had cooked it-he’s too impatient to let it burn and it’s just this side of well-done. The crust scrapes Roy’s raw throat and the kitchen smells like bitter garlic and charred bread and no one opened a window. He thinks about doing it himself, but it would draw attention to him and right now he’s focusing on finishing his slice and getting out of there as quickly as possible.
Bitter garlic is all zoe_chan’s. I was completely blanking; just another reason she rocks. And Roy is rapidly realizing that he is not in the mood to be around anyone, especially his friends.
It’s baffling. Dick’s cracking jokes and Wally’s zipping around after napkins and red pepper and Donna’s laughing and Garth is talking about something he did with the fire hose and Roy wants to vomit, or yell at them, or something. They’re acting like it’s a normal Saturday night, and it is even while it isn’t.
I love this part, because what Roy is feeling right now? Is the beginnings of a panic attack, and he’s trying so hard not to face what is really bothering him that everything is bothering him.
Roy’s not in the mood, and when he finishes his pizza he goes to put away his plate. Dick grabs his arm to yank him back into his seat. Roy doesn’t even know what he says; something inside just snaps and everything stops. Wally’s pizza is halfway to his mouth-it has to be a record, how long Wally doesn’t move-and Garth puts his down and Donna does that little sharp inhale thing she does when he’s being extremely stupid and Dick. Dick lets go of his arm.
So, I love these sentences. Because Roy lost his temper and he judges his actions by how his friends react. I’m very fond of Wally’s non-movement and how that is the first thing Roy notices and the first clue that he crossed some invisible line. But it’s Dick’s reaction that really clues Roy in.
Roy can’t look at any of them, and he feels his face burning, but he drops his plate in the sink and leaves the kitchen, the silence and their eyes following him.
When he gets to his room, he’s surprised that he manages not to slam his door or to sink to the floor against it the way his knees threaten to give out. He’s got a lump in his throat and his eyes burn and he can smell burnt pizza, burnt carpet, burnt curtains, furniture, wood, flesh.
And I think that I had managed not to give any clues that were too specific before this, so this is the first time I let myself allude to the fact that Roy actually encountered some of the people he didn’t manage to save from the fire. And this is where everything is crashing in on Roy.
Roy’s leaning against the window frame before he realizes it, gasping in the night air so it burns in his lungs and he might be hyperventilating a little. He’s screwed up. He doesn’t know what he said, but it was bad and Dick let go and sometimes he’s so fucking stupid. Roy thinks dimly that he could probably get back to Star City tonight if he has to, and Ollie won’t be there but that’s not new and he’s clearly not fit for company anyway.
Oh, Roy. You’re such a bundle of insecurities and self-esteem issues. He is hyperventilating. And another mention of how things are starting to fall apart at home with Ollie, but at the moment Roy thinks he deserves to be alone.
Roy winds up on the floor under the window, arms around his knees. He’s cold, though he doesn’t feel it. He smells smoke, but it’s less powerful here where the air is washing over him. His room is dark, because he never bothered with the light. His chest hurts, like there’s something pressing on it; he can’t breathe, he can’t think and now he’s ruined everything.
When his door opens, he realizes that he didn’t lock it, and he’s momentarily blinded when light spills in from the hall. When he stops blinking, Roy sees Dick leaning against the doorframe, frowning. This is it, he thinks, even if he doesn’t know what it is. He should apologize, but he doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for and anyway, his throat seems swollen shut.
At this point the panic is being suppressed and Roy’s just… numb.
It’s forever, but Dick flips the light switch, and Roy’s blinded for a second time. When he can see again, Dick’s shut the door behind him and is sitting on Roy’s bed, watching him. "Roy," he says. It’s wary and annoyed but worried, too.
Dick let go in the kitchen because Roy pissed him off, and he didn’t come see Roy immediately. It’s been at least half an hour, and Dick’s not stupid. Roy hasn’t been acting like himself all evening, so he knows something is wrong. He’s still pissed off at this point. What he planned when he showed up at Roy’s door was to yell and ask what the hell crawled up Roy’s ass… but then he opened the door and found Roy practically in the fetal position. Which is why now he’s worried, and not sure what to make of things.
Roy drops his head to his knees. He asks it before he thinks. His voice shakes, but if anyone knows the answer to this, it’s Robin-Dick. "Do you think they knew what was happening?"
He can’t look at Dick. Roy can’t look anywhere because he’s asked and now he can’t breathe. He wants to take it back, he wants to un-ask, he wants to know. He’s asked and now he needs… He didn’t know how much he needed to know this. Dick takes forever to answer. "Why-What do you mean, Roy?"
I worried over this a lot, and rewrote it significantly from it’s original state. Dick has no idea what Roy is talking about, and as far as he is concerned, the question is coming from nowhere and he doesn’t know who Roy means. Roy, meanwhile, hasn’t been able to think of anything else.
The premise I’m working with is that while Robin and Speedy were helping people out of burning buildings, they went into an apartment that was already gutted-and encountered a couple who had died in the fire. Dick obviously would have his own reaction to seeing that-but Roy’s reaction is based on a much more personal level. He asks that question with the image of that couple in his head, but he is not thinking of them while he waits for Dick’s answer-and the only person he would ask this question of, at this point, is Dick. At this point, Roy is thinking of his father. The sentence about not knowing how much he needed to know the answer was an attempt to show the shift in his thinking-from strangers to his father-and I’m not sure how well it worked.
He can’t ask again. He can’t. There’s something choking him and his eyes are burning. It’s a hell of a time for his voice to break like he’s thirteen again. "That last apartment. That… that family, Dick. Did they even have a chance? Did they know… did it hurt?" He hates how fucking young, how pathetic and shaky and desperate he sounds to himself. He shuts his eyes because he doesn’t want to see Dick look at him like he’s… he doesn’t know what, but he doesn’t want to see it.
And Dick is looking at him with real worry, because he’s managed to process what they saw and Roy obviously hasn’t. And it’s beginning to occur to him that Roy isn’t talking about the bodies they saw. (I assume that Dick knows about Roy’s past, just like Roy would know about Dick’s-they’re best friends, these are things friends know.)
The thing is, he can’t stop seeing that apartment, those unrecognizable bodies, the fucking curtains hanging in smoldering tatters. He can see them, trapped and waiting-for someone to save them, for their death, he doesn’t know. Roy can’t turn his brain off, he can’t stop wondering how long it takes to die when you’re burning alive, and he can’t stop imagining how much it must fucking hurt.
This paragraph was added after-the-fact, because I didn’t think I was being clear enough about where Roy’s head was. I’m still not sure if I’m being clear enough, because Roy is wondering how his father died, not the people he saw. I’m really pleased with this, otherwise.
Roy isn’t even aware that he’s crying in the long, silent moment after he’s spoken, but then Dick’s pulling him into an awkward embrace and he fights it at first. Dick says urgently, "Smoke inhalation, Roy. They were dead before the flames even got to them."
Oh, Dick. It was important to me that Dick move at this point, because Roy is hunched up and having a panic attack. Dick knows, at this point, what is bothering Roy, and he at least assumes that Roy is thinking about his father. I see both Dick and Roy as being very physical people, so hugging Roy is the first thing Dick thinks to do to help. Also, he isn’t certain about the smoke inhalation, but he knows that’s what Roy needs to hear.
He hears the roar of flames, sees the bodies, chokes on smoke. There’s a sound like an animal’s howl, and he can’t breathe, he's choking and blind-Roy grips Dick’s shoulders and tucks his head into his best friend’s neck and it’s uncomfortable but Dick’s got his arms around him. Now that he’s started, he can’t stop.
Dick holds Roy together while he falls apart.
And that last sentence went through about twenty changes, and they were all tiny, one-word changes, but then I reversed the order of the clauses and it clicked and made me happy. The animal howl was Roy giving in and breaking down. He would only fall apart and break down like this in front of Dick at this point, and I think I did a fair job of establishing how strained things between him and Ollie are getting.
So it was meant to be about Roy and his father, but it also became about Roy and Ollie, and Roy and all the Titans, and especially about Roy and Dick. I’m really happy with how this came out, and when I finished it I realized it deserved to be a stand-alone, instead of part of a larger “5 things” fic I intended it for.
That fic may still be written.