If Wishes Were Kittens
Okay, so I know I said I'd NEVER repost this here. But that was before I a) posted the equally cracktastic "Night at the Space Opera" and b) wrote something so dark, icky and foul that I figured you'd NEED this to clean the palate.
Title: If Wishes Were Kittens
Fandom: Farscape
Characters: Stark, Zhaan, John, Chiana
Pairing: Stark/Zhaan
Time Frame: I'm not entirely sure. Post La Bomba, Possibly post PK Wars
Spoilers: Through John Quixote
Synopsis: [Liza]: "You know what? It occurs to me that between the two of us, Stark is having a VERY bad month. He needs sex with Zhaan, or fluffy kitties, or something." [Astro]: "Sex, followed by fluffy kitties. Definitely."
Word Count: 577
Rating: PG
Warning: Diabetcs will want to avoid this one...
Disclaimer: Farscape and the characters and settings therin are the property of the Henson Company, and are used here entirely without permission but entirely with respect. This is for love, not for money.
Acknowledgements: Astrogirl for inspiring this fic in the first place, mrscience for badgering me about a mystical suitcase of porn all through the writing of "the Last Place" untill I had to do SOMETHING about it to make it go away and finally most especially to chazjazz for actually betaing this thing.
Author's Notes: Originally posted on my LJ in un-beta'd format, written to make up for what I did to Stark in "The Last Place". Re-posted in response to the fanfic100 prompt of 096: Author's Choice to make up for what I did to him in "Survival Instincts".
If Wishes Were Kittens
by LadySmith
There were almost as many visions of the afterlife as members of species to have them. One popular one was the idea of being in a life indistinguishable from your own, except that everything was perfect and wonderful.
Stark had never had much credence in that one, except for the fact that it's what seemed to be happening now.
Zhaan was alive, she was with him, and they had just made love for slow, sweet arns, and now were lying happily holding each other, covered from head to toe with small, furry creatures that had just appeared from nowhere. The memories from Talyn's John that Stark still carried told him they were "kittens"; a juvenile form of a domestic pest-hunting animal, famed for their connection to mystic forces. They were also very soft and fluffy and pleasantly ticklish to both Banik and Delvian skin, especially when they started to lick with their tiny, pink, rough tongues.
There were two things convincing Stark that this in fact was not the afterlife. One was that he didn't remember ever dying, although he had to admit that was fairly dubious as that might be the natural order of things; it would explain more than a few of the people he'd crossed over.
The other one was more convincing; Stark was reasonably sure that his own personal Paradise should not contain a version of John Crichton that stood in the doorway of their quarters whimpering and making odd faces.
"May we help you, John?" Zhaan asked smoothly, and Stark grinned pleasantly, glad that one of them was able to find their voice.
"Uh... kittens... Zhaan! Uhm... what the hell?" Crichton blithered.
"Jeesh, old man! Who cares? Can't you see they're busy?" Chiana came striding up the corridor, holding a carryall of some kind and grinned at Stark and Zhaan who returned the smile affably. "Why don't you find Aeryn and get... busy yourself?" She grinned at him wickedly, and added, "Or you could help me with these." She gestured to the pack in her arms, which Stark could now see was full of small, blinking, multicoloured blobs...
Crichton and Stark screamed in perfect unison, and each scooted backwards in horror, scattering kittens everywhere and startling Zhaan.
Chiana rolled her eyes. "Relax, would you two fekkiks? They're just sex sims. No adventure games of any kind."
Stark gingerly climbed back on the bed and allowed Zhaan to pull him back into her arms while kittens tentatively crawled back over to him, licking him to soothe his nerves.
Crichton blinked at Chiana. "You have a suitcase of porn?"
Chiana nodded, and grinned even wider. "I thought I lost it cycles ago, but it just showed up in my quarters like... magic! Drad, huh? I missed it really bad, too..."
Crichton looked from Chiana and her porn to Zhaan and Stark, then back to Chiana again. Abruptly he snapped his fingers. "That's it!"
"What's it, John?" Stark asked, slightly nervous but still curious.
"We're in that episode! On DS9, with the baseball guy and the ostriches!" Everyone in the room (including a few of the kittens) stared at John, but he didn't seem to notice as he shook his finger, saying "Noranti!" and ran off down the corridor.
From what Stark could remember, ostriches were large, smelly, aggressive and abysmally stupid flightless birds. He couldn't quite piece the rest together, and decided he didn't really want to.
He decided he vastly preferred the kittens.
Apologies to those of you who've seen this before, and hell, to those who haven't.
Title: If Wishes Were Kittens
Fandom: Farscape
Characters: Stark, Zhaan, John, Chiana
Pairing: Stark/Zhaan
Time Frame: I'm not entirely sure. Post La Bomba, Possibly post PK Wars
Spoilers: Through John Quixote
Synopsis: [Liza]: "You know what? It occurs to me that between the two of us, Stark is having a VERY bad month. He needs sex with Zhaan, or fluffy kitties, or something." [Astro]: "Sex, followed by fluffy kitties. Definitely."
Word Count: 577
Rating: PG
Warning: Diabetcs will want to avoid this one...
Disclaimer: Farscape and the characters and settings therin are the property of the Henson Company, and are used here entirely without permission but entirely with respect. This is for love, not for money.
Acknowledgements: Astrogirl for inspiring this fic in the first place, mrscience for badgering me about a mystical suitcase of porn all through the writing of "the Last Place" untill I had to do SOMETHING about it to make it go away and finally most especially to chazjazz for actually betaing this thing.
Author's Notes: Originally posted on my LJ in un-beta'd format, written to make up for what I did to Stark in "The Last Place". Re-posted in response to the fanfic100 prompt of 096: Author's Choice to make up for what I did to him in "Survival Instincts".
If Wishes Were Kittens
by LadySmith
There were almost as many visions of the afterlife as members of species to have them. One popular one was the idea of being in a life indistinguishable from your own, except that everything was perfect and wonderful.
Stark had never had much credence in that one, except for the fact that it's what seemed to be happening now.
Zhaan was alive, she was with him, and they had just made love for slow, sweet arns, and now were lying happily holding each other, covered from head to toe with small, furry creatures that had just appeared from nowhere. The memories from Talyn's John that Stark still carried told him they were "kittens"; a juvenile form of a domestic pest-hunting animal, famed for their connection to mystic forces. They were also very soft and fluffy and pleasantly ticklish to both Banik and Delvian skin, especially when they started to lick with their tiny, pink, rough tongues.
There were two things convincing Stark that this in fact was not the afterlife. One was that he didn't remember ever dying, although he had to admit that was fairly dubious as that might be the natural order of things; it would explain more than a few of the people he'd crossed over.
The other one was more convincing; Stark was reasonably sure that his own personal Paradise should not contain a version of John Crichton that stood in the doorway of their quarters whimpering and making odd faces.
"May we help you, John?" Zhaan asked smoothly, and Stark grinned pleasantly, glad that one of them was able to find their voice.
"Uh... kittens... Zhaan! Uhm... what the hell?" Crichton blithered.
"Jeesh, old man! Who cares? Can't you see they're busy?" Chiana came striding up the corridor, holding a carryall of some kind and grinned at Stark and Zhaan who returned the smile affably. "Why don't you find Aeryn and get... busy yourself?" She grinned at him wickedly, and added, "Or you could help me with these." She gestured to the pack in her arms, which Stark could now see was full of small, blinking, multicoloured blobs...
Crichton and Stark screamed in perfect unison, and each scooted backwards in horror, scattering kittens everywhere and startling Zhaan.
Chiana rolled her eyes. "Relax, would you two fekkiks? They're just sex sims. No adventure games of any kind."
Stark gingerly climbed back on the bed and allowed Zhaan to pull him back into her arms while kittens tentatively crawled back over to him, licking him to soothe his nerves.
Crichton blinked at Chiana. "You have a suitcase of porn?"
Chiana nodded, and grinned even wider. "I thought I lost it cycles ago, but it just showed up in my quarters like... magic! Drad, huh? I missed it really bad, too..."
Crichton looked from Chiana and her porn to Zhaan and Stark, then back to Chiana again. Abruptly he snapped his fingers. "That's it!"
"What's it, John?" Stark asked, slightly nervous but still curious.
"We're in that episode! On DS9, with the baseball guy and the ostriches!" Everyone in the room (including a few of the kittens) stared at John, but he didn't seem to notice as he shook his finger, saying "Noranti!" and ran off down the corridor.
From what Stark could remember, ostriches were large, smelly, aggressive and abysmally stupid flightless birds. He couldn't quite piece the rest together, and decided he didn't really want to.
He decided he vastly preferred the kittens.
Apologies to those of you who've seen this before, and hell, to those who haven't.