(no subject)
I just spent the past half an hour--has it been an hour already?--reading through all of my entries to find one in particular. It was a complete waste of time when I could have been studying Japanese, but when the inspiration arrives it's hard to say "no." But as I was reading these entries, I realized a couple of things. The first thing was that it seemed such a pity that I had not been writing here, though I have little desire to seek comments on my emotions. Looking at this journal, it seemed similar to any of the other blank journals lying unused in my desk. That is what led to this entry, along with the love of typing on my keyboard.
The more important realization was how much I've grown over the past years. The person I was when I was writing in this journal in 2004 was a completely different person who was even more inclined to mood swings than I am now. She also felt like she had to be constantly hyper and nonsensical. For what purpose? To fit in, I suppose. As I continued to read, I came to dislike who I was then. I acted fake. I knew that then, also, as I could see in the entries I had kept private out of shame. I also felt far more lost, confused, and unhappy with who I was. Presently I can't say that I'm any less confused or lost, but at least I have come to accept myself. Something I thought today was that the biggest obstacle in anyone's life is shame. Shame stops us from growth, acceptance, happiness--all of those positive things that enrich our lives. Shame is also a false emotion that often appears to have some basis in reality and truth, in fact skews it. The worst part about shame is that it dives deep within the mind and corrodes everything. It's like a heavy rust. The only person who can get rid of it entirely is the bearer of the shame, but often other people help perpetuate it when in fact they should be helping the bearer accept herself or himself by respecting them and even loving them, and by most definitely showing them. The worst thing we can do for each other is sharing negative emotions in an uncaring manner. Sometimes we have to share negative emotions about each other, but this should only be in order to obtain positive results. To do that, we have to explain our emotions with care and listen with care. Getting insulted right off the bat won't help at all.
But I ran on a tangent. I came to the conclusion today that the best way to get rid of shame is to confront it, just like any other fear. Sometimes the only way to do so is by involving other people and challenging our worries that we will be rejected. What I have found growing up is that in most events rejection won't be there. Despite looking for it all of my life, I have never actually faced it since I was very young, but I feel that when I finally find myself facing rejection, it won't be as horrible as I had thought. I don't know if this is the final stage towards growing up, and I highly doubt it is, but I think that I'm happy with myself more now than ever because I have accepted if not my present permanent state, then my changing state. My personality cannot be defined and measured by a single moment, a single personality test, it is a compilation of development, change, and curiosity. I think this is true for everyone.
-Katherine Chillingworth-
The more important realization was how much I've grown over the past years. The person I was when I was writing in this journal in 2004 was a completely different person who was even more inclined to mood swings than I am now. She also felt like she had to be constantly hyper and nonsensical. For what purpose? To fit in, I suppose. As I continued to read, I came to dislike who I was then. I acted fake. I knew that then, also, as I could see in the entries I had kept private out of shame. I also felt far more lost, confused, and unhappy with who I was. Presently I can't say that I'm any less confused or lost, but at least I have come to accept myself. Something I thought today was that the biggest obstacle in anyone's life is shame. Shame stops us from growth, acceptance, happiness--all of those positive things that enrich our lives. Shame is also a false emotion that often appears to have some basis in reality and truth, in fact skews it. The worst part about shame is that it dives deep within the mind and corrodes everything. It's like a heavy rust. The only person who can get rid of it entirely is the bearer of the shame, but often other people help perpetuate it when in fact they should be helping the bearer accept herself or himself by respecting them and even loving them, and by most definitely showing them. The worst thing we can do for each other is sharing negative emotions in an uncaring manner. Sometimes we have to share negative emotions about each other, but this should only be in order to obtain positive results. To do that, we have to explain our emotions with care and listen with care. Getting insulted right off the bat won't help at all.
But I ran on a tangent. I came to the conclusion today that the best way to get rid of shame is to confront it, just like any other fear. Sometimes the only way to do so is by involving other people and challenging our worries that we will be rejected. What I have found growing up is that in most events rejection won't be there. Despite looking for it all of my life, I have never actually faced it since I was very young, but I feel that when I finally find myself facing rejection, it won't be as horrible as I had thought. I don't know if this is the final stage towards growing up, and I highly doubt it is, but I think that I'm happy with myself more now than ever because I have accepted if not my present permanent state, then my changing state. My personality cannot be defined and measured by a single moment, a single personality test, it is a compilation of development, change, and curiosity. I think this is true for everyone.
-Katherine Chillingworth-