Failed Cracked article
Posted here for the curious.
“First Lady” and “bad ass” are not words usually associated with each other. “First Lady” and “tea party”, or “First Lady” and “ball gown” are better fits. The Smithsonian even agrees, memorializing the First Ladies in a faceless gallery of formal gowns. Their official biographies are sanitized of even a whiff of scandal, or character, leaving us to conclude that they didn't do much besides hang around the White House, throwing parties and giving neck rubs to their Presidential spouses during a foreign policy crisis. We here at Cracked would like to uncover a few truths about America's First Ladies.
Elizabeth Monroe
Who She Was:
Elizabeth was the wife of James Monroe, the fifth President of the United States. As First Lady, her poor health prevented her from engaging in the endless social duties her predecessor, Dolley Madison had excelled at. But before her husband's election, the couple had served as Ambassador to France, where the French were captivated by her grace and beauty, calling her “La Belle Americaine”. (Roughly translated “Beautiful American Woman. Because we didn't believe they existed.)
Bad Ass Moment:
Elizabeth's bad assery became known while she was living in France during the French Revolution. During the period known affectionately as “The Reign of Terror”, the Madisons were charged by President Washington to maintain good relations with a revolutionary government that was busy chopping off the heads of royalty and silencing dissent. The Monroes kept a cool head (heh) and stayed on the good side of everyone involved in what passed for the French government at the time. However, matters changed when Madame LaFayatte, the wife of the Marquis de LaFayette was arrested and scheduled for execution.
Unwilling to risk pissing off the obviously insane French radicals, James couldn't officially demand the release of the wife of America's long time ally and war hero. Instead, Elizabeth went personally to the prison, in the embassy's carriage and demanded to visit Madame LaFayette. Usually this resulted in you being thrown in prison alongside whoever you planned to visit, no matter who you were. But the French got the hint that America (fuck yeah!) was taking an interest in the case, and quietly dropped all the charges, allowing Madame LaFayette to go free. Elizabeth followed it up by securing the release of Thomas Paine, the professional revolutionary who's writings had influenced both the American and French Revolutions, proving again that nothing gets you out of trouble faster in a foreign county than having the American Embassy on speed dial.
Lucretia Garfield
Who She Was:
Lucretia was the wife of James Garfield, (the 20th President of the United States, not the cat). Her tenure as First Lady was as unremarkable as her life before it. She quietly kept house and raised her five children in Washington DC. She undertook the task of restoring the White House, which is always considered a good way to keep the First Lady occupied and away from important decisions.
Bad Ass Moment:
Honestly, if it wasn't for one man, Lucretia wouldn't be on this list at all. And that man is Charles Guiteau. One day, pissed that he'd been passed over for a job in the Garfield Administration, Guiteau bought a pistol and shot the President in the back at a train station.
Lucretia had been in New Jersey during all this, recovering from malaria. When she heard the news, she immediately boarded a train to Washington. Her insistence on speed, so she could reach her husband before his death, nearly derailed the train. Lucretia was thrown from her seat, but not hurt. Let's be perfectly clear on this. Suffering from malaria, a disease that's still deadly even today, she knocked a mother fucking TRAIN off the tracks and just bounced a little for her trouble. If that's not balls the size of Mount Everest, we don't know what is. Even Guiteau knew better than to fuck with Mrs. Garfield. He had originally planned to murder the president while seeing Lucretia off for her convalescence. He decided against it, claiming he didn't want to upset her. We like to think he was afraid she'd hulk out and destroy him with fire breath.
Dolley Madison
Who She Was:
Dolley was the wife of James Madison, the fourth President of the United States. Seventeen years younger than her spouse, she grew up during the American Revolution and was acquainted with all the Founding Fathers. While her husband served as Secretary of State to the widowed Thomas Jefferson, Dolley took over hostess duties at the White House, presumably because ol' TJ was too busy purchasing the shit out of Louisiana and banging chicks to pick his own china patterns. When Dolley's husband was elected next, she continued hosting receptions for members of Congress and their wives. She's credited with establishing many of the traditions of White House hospitality. In fact, 20th century First Lady, Hilary Clinton would later cite Mrs. Madison as one of her heroes when attempting to shore up her “Seriously not a harpy, I totally bake cookies and shit” credentials.
Bad Ass Moment:
While serving as First Lady, the War of 1812 broke out and the British invaded the United States, planning to give a little comeuppance to their cranky, break away colonies. At first, Dolley's duties were limited just to throwing parties for the officers, and keeping up soldier morale. However, the situation changed in August of 1814, when the British invaded Virginia and Maryland.
The barely finished capital city was evacuated, including the President and the majority of the government. Dolley calmly stayed behind, and organized the packing of the White House silver. She even went as far to cut the famous Gilbert Stuart portrait of George Washington (You know, the one they used for the dollar bill) out of its frame and walked out the back door with it, as the Redcoats came in the front. According to the legend, the soldiers found the main dining room set for dinner for 40. We like to imagine Dolley left a note inviting them to dine with her, IN HELL. While her husband was derided as a coward for leaving the city, Dolley was hailed as a hero of the republic.
Edith Wilson
Who She Was:
Edith Wilson was the epitome of Virginia gentry, being a direct descendant of both Pocahontas and Martha Washington. She attended the best private schools in the country and later on would move in the highest circles of Washington DC, where she met Widower in Chief, Woodrow Wilson. After a whirlwind romance, the two married and Edith began her tenure as First Lady.
Bad Ass Moment:
Edith's moment came in 1919 when Woodrow suffered a near fatal stroke. See, in those days, we didn't have the 25th Amendment telling us what should happen when the President is incapacitated. So Edith took matters into her own hands and started running the country, on behalf of her husband. When Senators and other officials would show up with legislation for his signature, Edith would very politely take the papers into the First Sickroom and then return later, her husband's shaky signature scrawled across the bottom. In a big “Fuck you” to the executive branch Mrs. Wilson actively kept the government from discovering the true extent of Woodrow's illness until his term was finally up in 1921. Many historians consider her to be America's first female President. Recent history would probably be different if Hilary Clinton had used Edith as her role model.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Who She Was:
Eleanor was the homily, bucktoothed wife of Franklin Roosevelt. She cared for her husband during his illness with polio. Eleanor tolerated his numerous affairs (including one with her own secretary, widely considered a dick move on his part) to support his political career. She used her platform as First Lady to champion the rights of the poor and downtrodden.
Bad Ass Moment:
It's important to understand that Eleanor wasn't just a Roosevelt by marriage. She was also one by birth. In fact, her uncle was Bad Ass in chief, Teddy Roosevelt, who despite his snuggly nickname, wrestled bears in the White House. So no one should have been terribly surprised that when Eleanor discovered her husband's infidelity, her reaction wasn't to stand by her man. Instead, it was to move out of his house, and in with a couple of lesbians and threaten him with a career destroying divorce if he didn't get rid of that strumpet, like, yesterday. Eleanor was lured back into her marriage by the promise of a more prominent role in Franklin's public life. She would campaign on his behalf for governor of New York state, and later President, all the time insisting on separate bedrooms. In the White House, she had her own legislative agenda, and was the first First Lady to hold her own press conferences. She refused Secret Service protection, preferring to get a gun license instead.
Remember those poor and downtrodden we mentioned earlier? That included blacks during the racially segregated 1930's and 40's. Her efforts on behalf of the nascent Civil Rights movement earned her the only Ku Klux Klan bounty ever placed on the head of a First Lady. It didn't slow her down. After her husband's death in 1945, she joined the board of the NAACP and drafted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights for the United Nations. If that isn't the best way to give the finger to a bunch of rednecks in bedsheets, we don't know what is.
“First Lady” and “bad ass” are not words usually associated with each other. “First Lady” and “tea party”, or “First Lady” and “ball gown” are better fits. The Smithsonian even agrees, memorializing the First Ladies in a faceless gallery of formal gowns. Their official biographies are sanitized of even a whiff of scandal, or character, leaving us to conclude that they didn't do much besides hang around the White House, throwing parties and giving neck rubs to their Presidential spouses during a foreign policy crisis. We here at Cracked would like to uncover a few truths about America's First Ladies.
Elizabeth Monroe
Who She Was:
Elizabeth was the wife of James Monroe, the fifth President of the United States. As First Lady, her poor health prevented her from engaging in the endless social duties her predecessor, Dolley Madison had excelled at. But before her husband's election, the couple had served as Ambassador to France, where the French were captivated by her grace and beauty, calling her “La Belle Americaine”. (Roughly translated “Beautiful American Woman. Because we didn't believe they existed.)
Bad Ass Moment:
Elizabeth's bad assery became known while she was living in France during the French Revolution. During the period known affectionately as “The Reign of Terror”, the Madisons were charged by President Washington to maintain good relations with a revolutionary government that was busy chopping off the heads of royalty and silencing dissent. The Monroes kept a cool head (heh) and stayed on the good side of everyone involved in what passed for the French government at the time. However, matters changed when Madame LaFayatte, the wife of the Marquis de LaFayette was arrested and scheduled for execution.
Unwilling to risk pissing off the obviously insane French radicals, James couldn't officially demand the release of the wife of America's long time ally and war hero. Instead, Elizabeth went personally to the prison, in the embassy's carriage and demanded to visit Madame LaFayette. Usually this resulted in you being thrown in prison alongside whoever you planned to visit, no matter who you were. But the French got the hint that America (fuck yeah!) was taking an interest in the case, and quietly dropped all the charges, allowing Madame LaFayette to go free. Elizabeth followed it up by securing the release of Thomas Paine, the professional revolutionary who's writings had influenced both the American and French Revolutions, proving again that nothing gets you out of trouble faster in a foreign county than having the American Embassy on speed dial.
Lucretia Garfield
Who She Was:
Lucretia was the wife of James Garfield, (the 20th President of the United States, not the cat). Her tenure as First Lady was as unremarkable as her life before it. She quietly kept house and raised her five children in Washington DC. She undertook the task of restoring the White House, which is always considered a good way to keep the First Lady occupied and away from important decisions.
Bad Ass Moment:
Honestly, if it wasn't for one man, Lucretia wouldn't be on this list at all. And that man is Charles Guiteau. One day, pissed that he'd been passed over for a job in the Garfield Administration, Guiteau bought a pistol and shot the President in the back at a train station.
Lucretia had been in New Jersey during all this, recovering from malaria. When she heard the news, she immediately boarded a train to Washington. Her insistence on speed, so she could reach her husband before his death, nearly derailed the train. Lucretia was thrown from her seat, but not hurt. Let's be perfectly clear on this. Suffering from malaria, a disease that's still deadly even today, she knocked a mother fucking TRAIN off the tracks and just bounced a little for her trouble. If that's not balls the size of Mount Everest, we don't know what is. Even Guiteau knew better than to fuck with Mrs. Garfield. He had originally planned to murder the president while seeing Lucretia off for her convalescence. He decided against it, claiming he didn't want to upset her. We like to think he was afraid she'd hulk out and destroy him with fire breath.
Dolley Madison
Who She Was:
Dolley was the wife of James Madison, the fourth President of the United States. Seventeen years younger than her spouse, she grew up during the American Revolution and was acquainted with all the Founding Fathers. While her husband served as Secretary of State to the widowed Thomas Jefferson, Dolley took over hostess duties at the White House, presumably because ol' TJ was too busy purchasing the shit out of Louisiana and banging chicks to pick his own china patterns. When Dolley's husband was elected next, she continued hosting receptions for members of Congress and their wives. She's credited with establishing many of the traditions of White House hospitality. In fact, 20th century First Lady, Hilary Clinton would later cite Mrs. Madison as one of her heroes when attempting to shore up her “Seriously not a harpy, I totally bake cookies and shit” credentials.
Bad Ass Moment:
While serving as First Lady, the War of 1812 broke out and the British invaded the United States, planning to give a little comeuppance to their cranky, break away colonies. At first, Dolley's duties were limited just to throwing parties for the officers, and keeping up soldier morale. However, the situation changed in August of 1814, when the British invaded Virginia and Maryland.
The barely finished capital city was evacuated, including the President and the majority of the government. Dolley calmly stayed behind, and organized the packing of the White House silver. She even went as far to cut the famous Gilbert Stuart portrait of George Washington (You know, the one they used for the dollar bill) out of its frame and walked out the back door with it, as the Redcoats came in the front. According to the legend, the soldiers found the main dining room set for dinner for 40. We like to imagine Dolley left a note inviting them to dine with her, IN HELL. While her husband was derided as a coward for leaving the city, Dolley was hailed as a hero of the republic.
Edith Wilson
Who She Was:
Edith Wilson was the epitome of Virginia gentry, being a direct descendant of both Pocahontas and Martha Washington. She attended the best private schools in the country and later on would move in the highest circles of Washington DC, where she met Widower in Chief, Woodrow Wilson. After a whirlwind romance, the two married and Edith began her tenure as First Lady.
Bad Ass Moment:
Edith's moment came in 1919 when Woodrow suffered a near fatal stroke. See, in those days, we didn't have the 25th Amendment telling us what should happen when the President is incapacitated. So Edith took matters into her own hands and started running the country, on behalf of her husband. When Senators and other officials would show up with legislation for his signature, Edith would very politely take the papers into the First Sickroom and then return later, her husband's shaky signature scrawled across the bottom. In a big “Fuck you” to the executive branch Mrs. Wilson actively kept the government from discovering the true extent of Woodrow's illness until his term was finally up in 1921. Many historians consider her to be America's first female President. Recent history would probably be different if Hilary Clinton had used Edith as her role model.
Eleanor Roosevelt
Who She Was:
Eleanor was the homily, bucktoothed wife of Franklin Roosevelt. She cared for her husband during his illness with polio. Eleanor tolerated his numerous affairs (including one with her own secretary, widely considered a dick move on his part) to support his political career. She used her platform as First Lady to champion the rights of the poor and downtrodden.
Bad Ass Moment:
It's important to understand that Eleanor wasn't just a Roosevelt by marriage. She was also one by birth. In fact, her uncle was Bad Ass in chief, Teddy Roosevelt, who despite his snuggly nickname, wrestled bears in the White House. So no one should have been terribly surprised that when Eleanor discovered her husband's infidelity, her reaction wasn't to stand by her man. Instead, it was to move out of his house, and in with a couple of lesbians and threaten him with a career destroying divorce if he didn't get rid of that strumpet, like, yesterday. Eleanor was lured back into her marriage by the promise of a more prominent role in Franklin's public life. She would campaign on his behalf for governor of New York state, and later President, all the time insisting on separate bedrooms. In the White House, she had her own legislative agenda, and was the first First Lady to hold her own press conferences. She refused Secret Service protection, preferring to get a gun license instead.
Remember those poor and downtrodden we mentioned earlier? That included blacks during the racially segregated 1930's and 40's. Her efforts on behalf of the nascent Civil Rights movement earned her the only Ku Klux Klan bounty ever placed on the head of a First Lady. It didn't slow her down. After her husband's death in 1945, she joined the board of the NAACP and drafted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights for the United Nations. If that isn't the best way to give the finger to a bunch of rednecks in bedsheets, we don't know what is.