fic post 2 of 2
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“I definitely am beginning to get Emmett’s preference for bear, it is much more flavorful than say, elk, moose, caribou, or deer of any sort,” I grinned, looking over my shoulder to Carlisle. I had just finished draining a polar bear. “I also like the wolves we have hunted.”
“They are carnivores, everyone tells me they taste more like human blood than herbivores,” Carlisle replied.
“And yet, you only feed on herbivores,” I posed, moving over next to him, gazing out over the bay. The men had gone hunting together for several days, heading further north toward Foxe Basin where there’s a dense population of polar bears. Emmett, Edward and I had tracked bears and wolves; we’d even sampled seal and walrus. Carlisle had stuck to caribou. I had to admit it is rather fun to chase after a huge bear and know I am the superior being. To feel my power, my strength. Unlike feeding on humans, where there was none that ever felt like they’d stood a chance, and brought me nothing but melancholy and gloom. This reminded me of my faint memories of racing horses with my friends back in Texas. Flying across the plains and marshes near home. Hot, humid, wind whipping through my hair, without a care in the world.
“I choose to only consume that which I consumed in my human existence,” he replied, pulling me out of my thoughts. “I do enjoy wild boar when we are in an area where they are native. It is a particular favorite of mine,” he grinned. “But otherwise I don’t consume the bears, wolves, or the mountain lions that the others prefer. Well, Edward in particular enjoys mountain lion, he also likes jaguar depending on the area where we have been in.”
“What’s a mountain lion?” I asked, not having encountered anything that brought that name to mind.
“They are a very large tan cat,” he returned, measuring a little more than half way up his body to signify height, stretching his arms out wide, indicating length, “they look something like a female African lion, as they have no mane like the African males do. Very ferocious. Quite beautiful, as well. Native to all parts of North America.”
“I think we might’ve referred to ‘em as cougars in Texas,” I provided, thinking about the ferocious cats that were abundant in much of the state and very plentiful in places like Big Bend. “When we get somewhere they’re local I’ll have to give ‘em a try, they might be quite tasty. Do you have a reason for only feeding on those things you consumed when you were human?”
“As you know my father was an Anglican minister, he believed in the existence of witches and monsters, and actively sought to root them out…”
I listened carefully. I’d heard much of this already, first from Alice, and then from other members of the family, but to hear Carlisle tell his own experiences, and why he had chosen the life he had was somehow different for me.
“I would say Kierkegaard was right, the presence of doubt is what makes me have more surety of my path, or he would say faith in my choices,” he finished.
“Have you been questioned by others of our kind very often?” I asked. This has interested me, his choice is so singular, and yet makes logical sense once it is explored.
“Oh, yes, of course,” he chuckled in response, looking out over the horizon. “You know of my time with the Volturi, and my friendship with Aro. It was my first real instance of living amongst those of our kind which I would call, ‘civilized.’ It was a true revelation. And it made me question many of my suppositions.”
“How so?” I interjected.
He took a moment to think, then said, “I thought that it was my lack of hunting of humans that gave me my civility, and yet they have that civility as well, and they adhere to the traditional diet. It took me a while to realize they are the exception rather than the rule. That my choice was the right one, for me. And ultimately it had allowed me to live the life I do, to find happiness in my work. My doubt cemented my belief in my choice.
“We are the largest coven outside of the Volturi themselves that I have ever heard of, even before you and Alice joined us. And we live together peacefully, as a family, not a coven ruled by the quest for blood and prey. Look at the four of us, if not for the lack of presence of guns we are just four outdoorsmen out tracking polar bears for sport. This camaraderie could never happen amongst human feeders. For me that is enough of a confirmation of the rightness of my choice to make me sure of my path.”
---
March, 1951
As the haze of bloodlust waned, the panic set in. I’d drained two hunters.
…What am I going to do?....How do I explain this to the family?....to Carlisle?...
“Jasper,” a voice cuts through fog of my anxiety. Carlisle. Of course Alice would have seen what happened as soon as I decided to feed on the hunters. What am I supposed to say to explain? “Emmett and Edward are on their way, we will make it appear as if a polar bear attacked. They are somewhat erratic, and if the hunters had gotten in the path of a newly awakened bear, they might very well have attacked.”
“I’m so sorry,” I mumbled, staring down at the ice and snow covered ground, trying to not look at my blood covered hands. I feel no anger or accusation from Carlisle, only concern and compassion. But I know he had to be disappointed.
“Jasper, this life is not without struggle, even for me,” he returned quietly. “Mistakes happen, it is for each of us to gather strength and resolve for it to not happen again, when it does, that makes us stronger and more determined.”
I heard Emmett and Edward approaching quickly, no accusation or resentment coming from either of them. “Man, when you fall off the wagon, you do it with style,” Emmett offered with his usual joviality, making me groan.
“Or perhaps it is our basic id which we cannot fully control taking over and suppressing our conscious decisions,” Edward mumbled. “Perhaps it is our lacking of a soul, our most basic and monstrous nature, which we cannot escape…”
“Eddie, I know you love to be our resident tortured soul most of the time,” Emmett interrupted, earning a growl and a furious flash of his eyes from Edward. “I’m sure you’d pull a Van Gogh and cut off your ear if you could, to show the world your inner pain. But, honestly, sometimes a human is just tastier. You gotta admit that.”
Everyone laughs nervously, but it had relieved the tension that surrounded us, breaking the pressure and panic that was pushing down on me.
“I thought y’all’d be angry,” I whispered, after the laughter dies down, knowing all of them can hear me clearly, even over the whistling of the whipping wind.
“You are family, Jasper,” Carlisle stated firmly. “We protect family. Always.”
---
“Are you sure you don’t need me to stay here?” she asked anxiously, perching herself on my knee, weaving her hand through my hair.
I know Alice won’t leave my side if I ask her not to, she’s been with me almost constantly for the past five days, but I also know she’s been looking forward to this short trip with Esme and Rosalie for weeks. She’d managed to get all of our necessities at the small department store at Rankin Inlet, but this is her first ever shopping trip with the other girls, and I’m not about to let her miss it because of me. “Hon, there’s no need to baby sit me, y’all go have fun in Toronto for a couple of days.”
“If you’re sure,” she hedged, biting the side of her lip, moving a hand to fiddle with a button on my shirt. “Toronto isn’t that far away.”
“I am sure. Have fun with the girls,” I nodded, stroking her smooth cheek.
“Okay,” she conceded. “Don’t get too lost in the Siberian winter,” she continued, making both of us laugh. “You know, I read his Anna Karenin last week,” she offered tapping the copy of Tolstoy’s War and Peace I’m reading. “Or Anna Karenina, as Edward told me is the correct translation.”
“Did you enjoy it?” I asked, I’m planning to read it once I finish.
“It was amazing, but just so incredibly sad,” she replied, grinning. “But I suppose I can’t spend eternity reading and rereading Jane Austen.”
---
“I have to say, I find the transitional orange to be stranger than the red or burgundy of post feeding,” Carlisle mused. We’d been talking about Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment, which seemed appropriate. It’s been three weeks since my ‘encounter’ with the hunters and my eyes are rapidly losing their redness and transitioning back to gold.
“Orange has never been a color that looked good on me,” I threw out trying to make a small joke, which didn’t really work. I began again after a moment, “Perhaps it’s the fact that you’re used to our kind having red eyes, but the orange is an indication of failure…”
“I don’t view it as failure,” he cut me off, moving to sit next to me on the edge of the long back porch of the lodge. It’s the middle of the night and we’d been watching the aurora borealis, one of my favorite things since Alice and I’d arrived here. Tonight is the first night they had appeared in several months, the sky is awash in an eerie swirling green.
I radiated his frustration back toward him, “Carlisle, I know the family means everything to you, but I’m callin’ a spade a spade. Unlike Raskolnikov I was never goin’ to be able to cover up my crimes. The sign of guilt is right in the color of my eyes.”
“The parallel you set up is far too easy,” he threw back at me. “Is Alice not your Sonya? The one for whom you will find your redemption?”
“I’m not sure there’s such a thing as redemption for those like me,” I replied after a moment. Through all our discussions this one is the question that for me remains unanswered. Is there really any sort of a salvation for someone who had done the things I had done? I know Carlisle believes it to be so, but Edward believes we’re all damned. If that’s the case, then what is the point of it all? Why not give into our baser instincts? Yes, I have found more peace in this lifestyle, but the shame most of the family associates with ‘slipping’ is a new concept.
“Once again we come back to Saul, he persecuted the Christians, and God forgave him,” he returned. “Christ gave salvation to the criminal with whom he was crucified, in Luke. I believe if our hearts are pure then we all can be offered grace, even when we sometimes fail.
“I suppose one of the reasons I am attracted to Dostoyevsky in the first place is, like him, I fear a world without the presence and grace of God,” he continued, staring off into the distance. “The check on behavior that Belief brings. Look at the southern wars. Look at the atheistic state in what was once Russia. What they are doing to their own citizens.”
“I understand and respect what you’re sayin’,” I offered in return. “And in you I see grace and forgiveness. But for me, that doesn’t translate into belief.” That is really one of the core disagreements we’ve had.
“Who knows,” he chuckled, nodding, he understands my reluctance to embrace his beliefs, “perhaps in a few years you will change your mind. I can hope,” he grinned, turning to look over at me.
“There is that,” I smiled, sharing the comfortable silence between us.
“In the mean time,” he said after a while, “there is nothing that says just because I believe in you we should not take precautions. Perhaps it is best for the time being that you feed often?”
“I think that’d be best,” I conceded. I’m actually relieved by this suggestion. Emmett and Edward only feed once a week, Carlisle even less; I had been reluctant to bring up my fear that only feeding when they do might not work for me. I don’t want to be the weak link. “I had been thinking of suggesting that myself.”
“Perhaps as we go forward, as you become more accustomed to this lifestyle, we can test your limits…”
---
May, 1951
“Esme told me, while you were at work, that you’ve been offered a position at a hospital in Oxford,” I said walking through the door of Carlisle’s study, sitting opposite him.
“Yes,” he grinned in return, his face reflecting the excitement radiating out from him. “Queen Mary Royal Hospital in Oxford has offered me a position.”
“What does that mean for the rest of us? Well, I suppose for Alice and me to be more specific,” I asked, somewhat unsure. Esme’d assured me earlier that the family as a whole would make the decision, and that everyone was expected to go if that was the choice of the majority, but I had to admit having my own doubts as to if I was really ready to live that close to humans. I can’t, however, ignore Carlisle’s excitement.
“We will have a family meeting after we hunt tonight,” he began, “we all will make the decision together. As for you and Alice, you are both part of the family; my hope is that you choose to come with us if that is the decision we make. There are excellent prep schools in the area where I am sure we can get all of you enrolled. While the prospect of school might seem odd for you, the others have found it to be an easy way to live in an area for a good amount of time without raising too much suspicion And then I think both you and Edward, in particular, would very much enjoy matriculating at one of the Oxford colleges. I myself attended New College in another life.”
“Before your change?” I questioned, he’d never offered this information.
“Yes,” he nodded “the colleges were all strictly religious and theological institutions then, I studied there in preparation to succeed my father.”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for such close living,” I offered, after a few moments, being honest of my wariness at living that close and having that much interaction with humans. Despite the one slip, it’s been fairly easy here; we’re in the middle of nowhere, that’s not likely in England.
“Jasper,” he returned, looking straight at me, “I don’t thing we will ever know if you are ready until you try. I know it will be a challenge, but I also know that it is one that I believe you are up for. And I want you to know this; I am not just saying I think you are ready because I would like to live in England again. We will continue to take the precautions that we have recently, but I think you are ready. And you will have the family to support you, and Alice, of course.”
I nodded, feeling the sincerity of his confidence in me, which meant more to me than I could’ve anticipated the day we met.
“Esme and I would go first. Find a house for us outside of the city,” he continued once he knows I’ve really taken in what he said.
“Well, if we’re goin’, then I think I should find my own way there, maybe by way of Greenland and Iceland, meet y’all there,” I suggested after a moment. “I’m sure Alice would be happy to travel with me.”
“Probably not a bad precaution,” he returned, his head tilting to the side. “No I do not think you would do well either cooped up on a ship for a week or in one of the new passenger planes.”
“No,” I chuckled, shaking my head, “that sounds like a sure recipe for disaster.”
“Emmett might even enjoy traveling by way of Iceland or Greenland,” he mused. “And there is nothing wrong with taking precautions that is one of the keys to living this life…”
---
Mapledurham House, Mapledurham, Oxfordshire, England
November, 1957
I waited till Carlisle’s odd friend Alistair left before going downstairs to knock on Carlisle’s study door.
“Jasper,” he smiled, turning from the mullioned window looking out toward the gardens. Esme is probably out there, she’d very much enjoyed taking up gardening since we moved here six years ago. “Come in.” It had never struck me as coincidence that we rented a house outside Oxford that was a near contemporary of Carlisle. “What may I do for you?” his accent had become more pronounced and clipped in the six years he’s been back in England.
“Actually, I was hopin’ to do something for you,” I smiled.
"Oh?" he chuckled, his smile widening.
“Yeah,” I held out the book I brought with me. “This is one of the books I’ve read for my World War II class.”
“They Thought They Were Free, by Milton Meyer,” he read off the spine.
“It’s about a small village in Southern Bavaria during the Nazi movement and its rise, how these ordinary men thought they’re doing good, bein’ patriotic, all the while being whipped into a monstrous frenzy and turnin’ into people that they ultimately didn’t even recognize,” I relayed. “I thought you might enjoy it. I very much did.”
“Sounds interesting. Perhaps they are teaching you something worthwhile at Merton after all. Who knew?” he quipped, making me laugh. The friendly rivalry that had developed between Edward and Carlisle’s shared experience at New College and my decision to attend Merton is ongoing. “I will begin it tonight.”
I turn to leave to head back upstairs - I still have a great deal of reading to do before my Early and Medieval English literature tutorial with Professor Tolkien tomorrow and after that more reading to do for my upcoming All Souls qualification exams - he called out softly, “Thank you, Jasper.”
I smiled over my shoulder, sending out wordless acknowledgement in the way only I can, conveying more than I ever could verbally just how much I appreciated everything Carlisle had brought to my life.
FIN
AN/Endnotes:
(1) This is an idea that has rolled around in my brain for a while. Carlisle clearly completely trusts Jasper with the safety & security of the Cullen family. Edward even trusts Jasper with Bella’s safety in Twilight. But they have lived such disparate lives when they meet, so how did they develop friendship & trust? The thing they seem to have in common is scholarship. Jasper studies philosophy at Cornell in NM, and SM says that his most distinctive trait is his scholarly nature. It would seem that this is a place to begin with the two of them, and Jasper has been out of any sort of loop for the better part of a century, I don’t really see much sitting around reading philosophy, political pamphlets, poetry or novels in the environment Jasper lived in.
(2) Merton College was established in 1264, it is the oldest Oxford College, though this is somewhat disputed. New College (College of St. Mary) was established in 1379, and is the musical center of Oxford. It also has a very socially progressive motto, “Manners Makyth Man,” (in English which is unique too) meaning neither heritage, property, nor money make a man, instead it is how he treats his fellow man that counts. I felt this fit Carlisle well.
(3) JRR Tolkien was both the Merton Professor of English Language & Literature, associated with Merton College, and the Rawlinson Professor of Anglo-Saxon, associated with Pembroke. For the purpose of this story he would be fulfilling his duties at Merton College. Tolkien retired from Merton in 1959.
(4) All Souls College is the only completely post graduate college at Oxford. Only a tiny handful of fellows are admitted each year, one would have to graduate at the very top of your class to even qualify to apply to attend (Current enrollment is 8 fellows to give you an idea).
(5) They Thought They Were Free, Milton Meyer, (1955) is an absolutely phenomenal book I read for a class during my undergraduate days. If you’re a history buff I cannot recommend it strongly enough. It’s one of the few non fiction books I have read again and again because I find myself wanting to revisit the lessons to be found within.
(6) Lastly, but very importantly, it’s been almost 2 ½ years since I wrote or posted anything; so, I owe absolutely oodles of thanks & gratitude to the fantabulous FantasyMother for betaing this for me, and generally holding my hand through my shaking off the rust neurosis I went through. I seriously could not have done this without you.
This playlist is long, but it could be longer. I listened to many of my favorite (male) Texas country to write this, feeling the rooty & grittier feel of much of it really gives me the feel of Jasper. Well, that and some classic Willie, Waylon, & Jerry Jeff. Plus, if he’s alive somewhere I know he would listen to Red Dirt music, rather than the crap that comes out of Nashville. He’s a Texas boy! This is pretty extensive because I doubt many people who live outside of Texas or Oklahoma have ever heard of much, if any, of this stuff, so I thought I’d share.
New Year’s Day, Charlie Robison; Walkin’ Along the Fenceline, Wade Bowen; Lost Hotel, Wade Bowen; Broken Reflection, Wade Bowen; If We Ever Make It Home, Wade Bowen; Somewhere Beautiful, Wade Bowen; Why Makes Perfect Sense, Wade Bowen; Into the Arms of You, Wade Bowen; From Bad to Good, Wade Bowen; Stoned, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; Comal County Blue, Jason Boland and the Stragglers; Outlaw Band, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; God Is Mad At Me, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; Bottle By My Bed, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; Down Here On Earth, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; One Cord Song, Stoney Larue; Solid Gone, Stoney Larue, The Road Goes on Forever & The Party Never Ends, Robert Earl Keen; I Love Being Lonesome, Roger Creager; These are the Good Ole Days, Roger Creager, I Got the Guns, Roger Creager; Long Way to Mexico, Roger Creager; Having Fun All Wrong, Roger Creager; Cryin’ Moanin’, Roger Creager, The Everclear Song, Roger Creager; Bad Case of the Blues, Roger Creager, Love is Crazy, Roger Creager; A Good Day For Sunsets, Roger Creager; Habit, Roger Creager; Man I Used To Be, Roger Creager; Cowboys & Sailors, Roger Creager; He Carries Me, Cory Morrow; Radiates, Cory Morrow, All Said & Done, Cory Morrow; Love Finds Everyone, Cory Morrow; Worth It, Cory Morrow; Gettin’ Ready to Rain, Cory Morrow; Bulletproof, Reckless Kelly; Ragged as the Road, Reckless Kelly; Beat of Your Heart, Cory Morrow; Lawrence, Cross Canadian Ragweed, Dead Man, Cross Canadian Ragweed, Seventeen, Cross Canadian Ragweed, Ghost of a Man, Jack Ingram; Flutter, Jack Ingram; Dim Lights, Thick Smoke, Jack Ingram; Barbie Doll, Jack Ingram; Texas On My Mind, Pat Green; We’ve All Got Our Reasons, Pat Green; Crazy, Pat Green; Galleywinter, Pat Green; Carry On (Original Version), Pat Green; Beaumont, Hayes Carll, Bad Liver & a Broken Heart, Hayes Carll, It’s a Shame, Hayes Carll; She Left Me for Jesus, Hayes Carll; Long Way Home, Hayes Carll; Middle of the Night, Charlie Robison; Beautiful Day, Charlie Robison, Down Again, Charlie Robison, Nothin’ Better To Do, Charlie Robison, Reconsider, Charlie Robison; If the Rain Don’t Stop, Charlie Robison; Barlight, Charlie Robison; Copperhead Road, Steve Earle; My Hometown, Charlie Robison; Live Forever, Billy Joe Shaver, Georgia on a Fast Train, Billy Joe Shaver; Pearl Snaps, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; Last Country Song, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; Time in Hell, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; Lonely by Choice, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; Somewhere Down in Texas, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; Drinkin’ Song, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; If I Ever Get Back to Oklahoma, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; Alright, Jason Boland & the Stragglers; Gringo Honeymoon, Robert Earl Keen; Fifty Dollars & a Flask of Crown, Bleu Edmonson, Kick in the Head, Cross Canadian Ragweed
