It turned out to be a post about me anyhow
Sometimes you learn ugly truths about yourself. You want to look away from them. But maybe you shouldn't.
I'm a confident person. But confident people don't usually have to *state* that they're confident as often as I seem to be doing lately. And I've been doing it a lot around a specific person. She knows who she is.
When I was in high school, I wasn't confident. It may be cliche these days, but I didn't feel like I was in the 'in crowd' and it hurt. I remember that squirming, uncomfortable, gotta-prove-yourself feeling. I've been feeling its ghost around this person because I really want to be a part of her incrowd. She's been giving me plenty of positive feedback, but I screw up sometimes. I have moments of social awkwardness and insecurity, and I feel them sharply these days.
My friend asked me last week if I could change anything about myself, what would I change? I really thought about my flaws, and decided that they were appropriate to my current situation (ie: lack of ambition, moodiness). So I said that I would change nothing. But I'm changing my mind.
I've been watching the British "Office" recently, and I'm fascinated by Ricky Gervais's character. He tries so hard to project the image of a confident, cool guy which is cripplingly transparent. The surface of his mind honestly thinks that he's super cool, and he has this horrible compulsion to take over every conversation and make it about him. But it clearly comes from a very insecure place. I see a little bit of myself in that, which is A Bit Not Good.
I don't want to be that person. But sometimes I am. If I could change anything, I would try to be a bit more aware of the people around me. And not like aware of their opinion of ME, but aware of their wellbeing, and their honest state of mind. This...will take some time to adjust.
I'm a confident person. But confident people don't usually have to *state* that they're confident as often as I seem to be doing lately. And I've been doing it a lot around a specific person. She knows who she is.
When I was in high school, I wasn't confident. It may be cliche these days, but I didn't feel like I was in the 'in crowd' and it hurt. I remember that squirming, uncomfortable, gotta-prove-yourself feeling. I've been feeling its ghost around this person because I really want to be a part of her incrowd. She's been giving me plenty of positive feedback, but I screw up sometimes. I have moments of social awkwardness and insecurity, and I feel them sharply these days.
My friend asked me last week if I could change anything about myself, what would I change? I really thought about my flaws, and decided that they were appropriate to my current situation (ie: lack of ambition, moodiness). So I said that I would change nothing. But I'm changing my mind.
I've been watching the British "Office" recently, and I'm fascinated by Ricky Gervais's character. He tries so hard to project the image of a confident, cool guy which is cripplingly transparent. The surface of his mind honestly thinks that he's super cool, and he has this horrible compulsion to take over every conversation and make it about him. But it clearly comes from a very insecure place. I see a little bit of myself in that, which is A Bit Not Good.
I don't want to be that person. But sometimes I am. If I could change anything, I would try to be a bit more aware of the people around me. And not like aware of their opinion of ME, but aware of their wellbeing, and their honest state of mind. This...will take some time to adjust.