LIGHT BULB jokes
since i have not posted jokes in a long time... and i was thinking of a certain group of Trolls who protect a certain bridge and usually have a bunch of these on hand.... i wanted to post some i found on the interwebs... :D
Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
________________________________________
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
________________________________________
Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. They always use candles instead.
A2. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.
________________________________________
Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. Atheists don't believe in light bulbs.
A2: One. But they are still in darkness.
________________________________________
Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
________________________________________
Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
________________________________________
Q:How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:10. One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one.
________________________________________
Q:How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what ... 30?
A2: (with dour expression) Change??
________________________________________
Q:How many members of the church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?
A:5. One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments.
________________________________________
Q:How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
________________________________________
Q:How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!
________________________________________
Q:How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
A2. One, and thirty natives to see the light.
________________________________________
Q. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, but they're really one.
________________________________________
Q. How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
________________________________________
Q. How many Hare Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant, and sing.
________________________________________
Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!
________________________________________
Q. How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1. None, they provide their own illumination.
A2. Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.
________________________________________
Q. How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Agnostics question whether light bulbs really exist.
________________________________________
Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to screw it in and one not to screw it in.
________________________________________
Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.
________________________________________
Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine - four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the new bulb to let the room stay dark.
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
How many football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- An entire team, and they all get a semesters credit for it.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- It depends on whather it has medical insurance.
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- It doesn't matter, We're all going to die anyway.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write about how it felt.
- Three. One to screw it in, and two to talk about the sexual implications.
- Four. One to change the bulb, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
- Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the socket.
- Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to kick the balls of any man who even tries to volunteer his help.
How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- "My god, it burnt out ! Sell all my general electric stock, NOW !!!"
How many cops does it take to screw n a lightbulb ?
- None. It turned itself in.
How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Five. One to force it with a hammer, and four to go out for more lightbulbs.
How many bankers does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
How many christian scientist does to take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- None. But it takes at least three to sit and pray for the old one to come back on.
How many Technical Support folks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- We have an exact copy of the bulb here, and it appears to work fine. Can You tell me what kind of system You have ? Okay, exactly how dark is it ? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong.... Have You tried the light switch ???
How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Eight. One to change the bulb, and seven more to make sure Microsoft gets $2 every time a lightbulb is changed anywhere in the world.
How many Beta-testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- We noticed the darkness; We didn't actually fix the problem.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness (TM) to be the new industry standard.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed lightbulb object would inherit a change method from a generic lightbulb class, so all You'd have to do, is to send a lightbulb change message.
How many developers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- The bulb works fine on the system in my office.
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. They glow in the dark.
How many Iranians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- One hundred. One to change the bulb, and ninety-nine to hold the rest of the house hostage.
How many Israelis does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- fourty to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another to screw the new one in.
How many dead politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- As many as possible.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.
How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. The seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
How many Maoists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- One to change the bulb, and on thousand to chant, "Fight Darkness. Fight..."
How many Apple Employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Seven. one to change the bulb, and six to design the T-shirt.
How many computer engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Why bother. The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- I don't know, but I could look it up for You.
How many Psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Just one. But the bulb has to really WANT to change.
How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Depends on what You want it to change to.
How many fishermen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Five. And You should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- That's all right, I'll just sit in the darkness.
How many gay men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Three. One to screw in an Art Deco bulb, and two to shriek, "Fabulous!"
How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Three, but they're really one.
How many irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Eleven. One to hold the bulb, and ten to turn the house.
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Only one. Men will screw anything.
How many potheads does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to hold the bulb against the socket, and the other to smoke up until the room starts spinning.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but it will take him 7 visits to do it.
How many rednecks does it need to change a lightbulb?
Screw that, we'll just drink in the dark!
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. The question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A'': Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
A': 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Note: FSE's are ``Field Service Engineers.''
Q': How long will it take?
A': That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
Q'': What if you have two dead bulbs?
A'': They replace your fuse box.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A': It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A'': Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A': 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. ``Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?''
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding?! Why would we let them do that?! The broken bulb is a national treasure, pointing to our rich, rich history and culture. No, we would rather build a shrine there, and charge admission to see the 'ancient luminosity device'...hmmm, maybe we could even sell little figurines...
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually they are afraid to do it...they think that if they remove the top layer bulb, that they will disturb the (presumed) earlier bulbs that are screwed in beneath the one that is currently showing...
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it will take years and years of initial site study...we have to first correlate all the surrounding furniture and domestic devices, and then decide whether the anthropological theory about the bulb being a cultic object (based on its central location in the room, its being up out of reach--symbolizing transcendence, and its obviously sun-like shape) is a correct socio-economic understanding...
How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, they won't do it--they have no sense of urgency about the situation--they aren't sure they're really in the dark...
How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.
How many Chinamen does it take to change a light bulb?
Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.
How many members of the starship Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
i went ahead and cut it. i remembered how. that's sad that i had forgotten. i used to post on lj like every other day.
Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
________________________________________
Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the lightbulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the lightbulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.
________________________________________
Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. They always use candles instead.
A2. Two, one to do it and a priest to hear him confess and give the old bulb last rites.
________________________________________
Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. Atheists don't believe in light bulbs.
A2: One. But they are still in darkness.
________________________________________
Q: How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.
________________________________________
Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
________________________________________
Q:How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:10. One to actually change the bulb and 9 to say how much they like the old one.
________________________________________
Q:How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:Well, it should require about five committees to review the idea first. If each is staffed with half a dozen members, that's what ... 30?
A2: (with dour expression) Change??
________________________________________
Q:How many members of the church of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?
A:5. One to change the bulb, 4 to serve refreshments.
________________________________________
Q:How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
________________________________________
Q:How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing it is a woman!
________________________________________
Q:How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
A2. One, and thirty natives to see the light.
________________________________________
Q. How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three, but they're really one.
________________________________________
Q. How many Quakers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten to sit around in a circle until one feels the inner light.
________________________________________
Q. How many Hare Krishnas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Ten, one to do it and the rest to dance around, play the tambourine, chant, and sing.
________________________________________
Q. How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. THE BIBLE DOES *NOT* SAY *ANYTHING* ABOUT LIGHT BULBS!!!!
________________________________________
Q. How many Branch Davidians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1. None, they provide their own illumination.
A2. Nine, one to do it and the other eight to find a leg for him to stand on.
________________________________________
Q. How many agnostics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Agnostics question whether light bulbs really exist.
________________________________________
Q. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, one to screw it in and one not to screw it in.
________________________________________
Q: How many pro-choicers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to do it and one to assert that the bulb didn't exist before it was lit up.
________________________________________
Q: How many pro-lifers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine - four to block the entrance to the room, four to hold up pictures of burnt-out bulbs, and one to try and convince the person with the new bulb to let the room stay dark.
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
How many football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- An entire team, and they all get a semesters credit for it.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- It depends on whather it has medical insurance.
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- It doesn't matter, We're all going to die anyway.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write about how it felt.
- Three. One to screw it in, and two to talk about the sexual implications.
- Four. One to change the bulb, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket.
- Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the socket.
- Two. One to change the lightbulb, and one to kick the balls of any man who even tries to volunteer his help.
How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- "My god, it burnt out ! Sell all my general electric stock, NOW !!!"
How many cops does it take to screw n a lightbulb ?
- None. It turned itself in.
How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Five. One to force it with a hammer, and four to go out for more lightbulbs.
How many bankers does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
How many christian scientist does to take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- None. But it takes at least three to sit and pray for the old one to come back on.
How many Technical Support folks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- We have an exact copy of the bulb here, and it appears to work fine. Can You tell me what kind of system You have ? Okay, exactly how dark is it ? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong.... Have You tried the light switch ???
How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Eight. One to change the bulb, and seven more to make sure Microsoft gets $2 every time a lightbulb is changed anywhere in the world.
How many Beta-testers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- We noticed the darkness; We didn't actually fix the problem.
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness (TM) to be the new industry standard.
How many C++ programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed lightbulb object would inherit a change method from a generic lightbulb class, so all You'd have to do, is to send a lightbulb change message.
How many developers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- The bulb works fine on the system in my office.
How many Ukrainians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. They glow in the dark.
How many Iranians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- One hundred. One to change the bulb, and ninety-nine to hold the rest of the house hostage.
How many Israelis does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- fourty to storm the room and take control of it, one to forcibly eject the old bulb, and another to screw the new one in.
How many dead politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- As many as possible.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as lightbulbs.
How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- None. The seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.
How many Maoists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- One to change the bulb, and on thousand to chant, "Fight Darkness. Fight..."
How many Apple Employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Seven. one to change the bulb, and six to design the T-shirt.
How many computer engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Why bother. The socket will be obsolete in six months anyway.
How many librarians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- I don't know, but I could look it up for You.
How many Psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Just one. But the bulb has to really WANT to change.
How many magicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Depends on what You want it to change to.
How many fishermen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Five. And You should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- That's all right, I'll just sit in the darkness.
How many gay men does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Three. One to screw in an Art Deco bulb, and two to shriek, "Fabulous!"
How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Three, but they're really one.
How many irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb ?
- Eleven. One to hold the bulb, and ten to turn the house.
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
- Only one. Men will screw anything.
How many potheads does it take to change a light bulb?
Two: One to hold the bulb against the socket, and the other to smoke up until the room starts spinning.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but it will take him 7 visits to do it.
How many rednecks does it need to change a lightbulb?
Screw that, we'll just drink in the dark!
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. The question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A'': Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
Q: How many FSE's does it take to replace a dead light bulb?
A: Who can tell. FSE's are always in the dark.
A': 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)
Note: FSE's are ``Field Service Engineers.''
Q': How long will it take?
A': That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them.
Q'': What if you have two dead bulbs?
A'': They replace your fuse box.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There's a primitive for that.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
A': It only takes one to change your bulb...to his.
A'': Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb...
Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
: How many Harvard grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
A': 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
Q: How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None; assholes never see the light anyway.
Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
A': Only one. ``Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?''
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is nothing to change.
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Are you kidding?! Why would we let them do that?! The broken bulb is a national treasure, pointing to our rich, rich history and culture. No, we would rather build a shrine there, and charge admission to see the 'ancient luminosity device'...hmmm, maybe we could even sell little figurines...
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually they are afraid to do it...they think that if they remove the top layer bulb, that they will disturb the (presumed) earlier bulbs that are screwed in beneath the one that is currently showing...
How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it will take years and years of initial site study...we have to first correlate all the surrounding furniture and domestic devices, and then decide whether the anthropological theory about the bulb being a cultic object (based on its central location in the room, its being up out of reach--symbolizing transcendence, and its obviously sun-like shape) is a correct socio-economic understanding...
How many skeptics does it take to change a light bulb?
Actually, they won't do it--they have no sense of urgency about the situation--they aren't sure they're really in the dark...
How many DIY buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes him two weekends and three trips to the hardware store.
How many Chinamen does it take to change a light bulb?
Thousands, because Confucious say many hands make light work.
How many members of the starship Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.
i went ahead and cut it. i remembered how. that's sad that i had forgotten. i used to post on lj like every other day.